Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 121 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,249 Posts
* sometimes, it does not make sense to continue a relationship

* sometimes, you should not be flexible in how things are going to end

* sometimes, you realize that you should not have gotten married in the first place - and looking back, you can see the signs

* sometimes, you have to look at everyone else and just shake your head and go your own way
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
1) Divorce is HELL. It is absolutely awful, and I would nevereverever recommend it to anyone.

2) Divorce is the best damn thing to ever happen to me, because in another 5 years, I would have committed suicide in that marriage.

3) You get very little support being divorced as opposed to being widowed. You are just expected to go back out and get another one.

4) It is devastating being the one left behind.

5) If you take the lessons to heart and really work to heal, the person you can become out of the rubble of your divorce is AMAZING.

6) The biggest lesson I have learned? Life is short, and it is beautiful, and there is no point in subjecting yourself to illusions or misery. Dig in yourself, learn, grow and become who you are meant to be. Life will meet you there.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. Conflicted much? LOL. )
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
@Elizindrhythm - I agree on all but one point.

At this stage, all that seems to be left of me is a wasteland of ice-cold steel and stone bones.
Oh, yeah. I know. It hurts like all fucking hellfire until it's nothing but bitter numbness.

How long has it been for you? To put my statement in perspective, my ex found his girlfriend in October of '03, I confronted him and demanded counseling in January of '04, he demanded a divorce in March of '04, and I finally had my settlement and left in May of '04. So, damn near 10 years, and tons of tears, therapy, bitchiness and psychodrama. But in that time - 2 months of dating, no more. ; )

Would you accept a hug? (I'm an ENFP. Hugs for us are like chicken soup for mothers.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,521 Posts
I learned that if the core values & goals are different, the marriage has an expiration date on it. We had good chemistry, laughed at the same things, liked the same music & had sex constantly in the first few years but it went downhill from there. The last year we slept in separate bedrooms & rarely spoke because we pulled in opposite directions. There's a saying about unequally yoked oxen going in a circle. That was us. I also learned after the divorce that bipolar disorder can be invisible in strong willed people & that was the other problem. And even if you're in love, watch for red flags, like getting cars reposessed & maxed out credit cards. Marriage is a heart AND head decision. And, divorce hurts like hell. Even if you're the one filing the papers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
414 Posts
1) Divorce is HELL. It is absolutely awful, and I would nevereverever recommend it to anyone.

2) Divorce is the best damn thing to ever happen to me, because in another 5 years, I would have committed suicide in that marriage.

3) You get very little support being divorced as opposed to being widowed. You are just expected to go back out and get another one.

4) It is devastating being the one left behind.

5) If you take the lessons to heart and really work to heal, the person you can become out of the rubble of your divorce is AMAZING.

6) The biggest lesson I have learned? Life is short, and it is beautiful, and there is no point in subjecting yourself to illusions or misery. Dig in yourself, learn, grow and become who you are meant to be. Life will meet you there.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. Conflicted much? LOL. )

All of this is totally true. It is a last resort, not a resort to head to when the going gets rough. I did my best, but it wasn't meant to be. So instead of going completely suicidal, I had to pack it in. Someone was going to get hurt and it wasn't going to be me. It was something I did out of love ultimately. I did it for his own protection. ;-)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
All of this is totally true. It is a last resort, not a resort to head to when the going gets rough. I did my best, but it wasn't meant to be. So instead of going completely suicidal, I had to pack it in. Someone was going to get hurt and it wasn't going to be me. It was something I did out of love ultimately. I did it for his own protection. ;-)
Oh, I get that! I used to joke that I'd become a widow before I got a divorce. Towards the end, it wasn't a joke.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,249 Posts
Oh, yeah. I know. It hurts like all fucking hellfire until it's nothing but bitter numbness.

How long has it been for you? To put my statement in perspective, my ex found his girlfriend in October of '03, I confronted him and demanded counseling in January of '04, he demanded a divorce in March of '04, and I finally had my settlement and left in May of '04. So, damn near 10 years, and tons of tears, therapy, bitchiness and psychodrama. But in that time - 2 months of dating, no more. ; )

Would you accept a hug? (I'm an ENFP. Hugs for us are like chicken soup for mothers.)
Meh, it's only been a year and a half since mine. Another 6 months and it'll be final divorce/split/gone. The system is a little different here in NZ, you separate for 2 years and then you actually divorce. (So technically my "love life" of the last 6 months has involved a lot of adultery. Stupid system in NZ.)

Yeah, I accept hugs. I'm ISTJ so don't worry if I seem a little stiff and reserved about it. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
Meh, it's only been a year and a half since mine. Another 6 months and it'll be final divorce/split/gone. The system is a little different here in NZ, you separate for 2 years and then you actually divorce. (So technically my "love life" of the last 6 months has involved a lot of adultery. Stupid system in NZ.)

Yeah, I accept hugs. I'm ISTJ so don't worry if I seem a little stiff and reserved about it. :p
:::::hugs:::::


I know it sounds totally cheesy, like Velveeta processed cheese-food cheesy, but it really does get better. But it does take time and a desire to heal and learn more about yourself and what you want, need and are capable of. I think it will be totally worth it in the long run... has been so far. We'll see once I actually get back out into: *duhn duhn daaaaaaa* dating. Eek!

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,891 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
#1 lesson for men:

Get a watertight prenup!
It's an important lesson for BOTH sexes. You'd better believe I'd get a pre-nup.

If he has more money: a show of good faith that I'm not after his dough.
If I have more money: protecting my finances.
No matter who has more money: starting off the marriage with the understanding that neither one of us is entitled to the other's money.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
It's an important lesson for BOTH sexes. You'd better believe I'd get a pre-nup.

If he has more money: a show of good faith that I'm not after his dough.
If I have more money: protecting my finances.
No matter who has more money: starting off the marriage with the understanding that neither one of us is entitled to the other's money.
As a woman who *NEEDED* the alimony, I would say circumstances matter entirely.

My ex was making nearly $100,000 per year (I say nearly, because during the divorce I learned that he had been lying to me about some money matters - like not putting any money into an IRA account for me, so that my IRA was about half the size I thought it was, and now I don't trust *anything* he told me), and when we divorced I was averaging $10,000. Living in Fairfax county, Virginia - one of the top three areas with highest cost of living in America. (Seriously - we qualified for state aid to buy our house when we were making $45,000 in 1992!)

Why was I making $10,000? Because I had quit my technical writing job that required 50% travel so I could stay closer to home. However, I quit before I had either a new job or even an idea of what to do. Instead, I had a nervous breakdown and a failing marriage. So when he wanted me to leave (I could not have afforded the mortgage was his rationale), he decided to find some legal papers on the internet and file with minimal costs. Boy, did I piss him off when I found a lawyer! But I am so glad I found my lawyer, because she fought for me but fought fairly. Virginia state law designates alimony amounts using a formula, and we basically worked within that frame, but took into account my age and background so I got help getting off the ground on my own but didn't milk it out forever to hurt him.

I guess the whole point of this is that prenups make sense, but sometimes there's a reason for the way divorce settlements work out in the courts (when all the bitterness, anger and vengeance is removed.)
 

·
Maid of Time
549 sx/sp
Joined
·
14,749 Posts
Most of what has already been mirrored in this thread:

1.Commitment and perseverance are virtues, but so are common sense, self-care, and knowing when it's time to let go.

2. Especially if you have kids, try your best to listen and work through it together as best as you can. In situations where the other party is not being reasonable, keep a good long-term perspective.

3. Don't take the divorce as an indictment that you have nothing to offer anyone. It's just this relationship that didn't work out, and if there are persistent flaws you have that you can work on, then work on them.

4. Let go. Stop living in that dead relationship. Let go of expectations and guilt. Work through the divorce, to "see each other off," and then let go of it.

5. Kids love both parents, even if you think the other has been a schlunk. Don't put them in the middle. Let them decide how they want to deal with each of you. Be there for them.

6. You can learn something / get stronger from the experience, if you can orient yourself correctly. But it's hard. Figure out who your friends are, lean on them, and let the non-supporters (again) go. You don't need the poison.

7. Use the marriage to help you figure out who you want in life and use it to shape your future dating choices. Do not compromise on things that you already know don't work for you or will leave you miserable.

8. Likewise, learn how to be happy being alone again, even if you are lonely. Don't rush into a new commitment just to avoid the hard work of facing life on your own for the first time in a long time. Needy people make bad decisions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,891 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
As a woman who *NEEDED* the alimony, I would say circumstances matter entirely...
I guess the whole point of this is that prenups make sense, but sometimes there's a reason for the way divorce settlements work out in the courts (when all the bitterness, anger and vengeance is removed.)
But a good pre-nup isn't about making sure the other spouse gets nothing if he/she has given up a lot for the marriage; it's about setting out in advance what you both agree on. Eg. " If you give up your job because we both want you to stay home, $-- is how much money we both think is fair for you to receive." Stops people trying to screw each other in court while the lawyers get rich.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
624 Posts
I'm still going through my divorce, so the lessons aren't final.

1: Never marry someone you need to improve/change for you to have a healthy relationship. No matter how sympathetic you are, no matter how easy their problems seem to fix. If you couldn't spend the rest of your life with them exactly as they are do not, I repeat, do not say "I do."

2: If you feel your marrage is stale, but not broke do something about it now. If you wait untill one party feels hurt it could likely be too late. So if you would rather spend time apart and don't share much in common seek help. It means you aren't meeting each other's needs and trouble is just around the corner.

3: Be very careful who you trust. Many people have an agenda and if they aren't willing to look at you as an individual and pull out a play book when giving you advise shut up and stay away from them.

4: I do have a few very good freinds. I value interpersonal relationships very highly now, I didn't before.

5: It takes two to tango.

6: I should've married an ISFP.
 
1 - 20 of 121 Posts
Top