[hohum70]

I have recently ended a relationship with an ISTJ that at times I found impossible and would like opinions from ESFJ's who have experienced this type.

This ISTJ was often verbally aggressive, would hardly ever see anyone elses point of view, selfish, tight with money, had three subjects of conversation only - sport, work and himself, extremely private and unreachable. However the worst of it for me was being criticised constantly for things that were so minor, most other people wouldn't have registered them, let alone made such an issue out of them. Sometimes they were out of nothing. I bought a bottle of wine for my father and ISTJ got angry because I didn't buy him one too! What - I can't buy a present for my Dad now without buying one for him!

There were loads of other similar instances, I called him Babe which made him angry. My life was becoming smaller and smaller and i was increasingly oppressed and losing my self esteem. Being an ESFJ, I wasn't going to be controlled or taken for granted so fought back and then got out of it. He seemed to be reliable, trustworthy, affectionate and oddly, sweet at times which for me was the attraction.

 

[evenflow87]

Ever since I first knew about Myers Briggs, I've always though ISTJs/ ESTJs are the worst types of people. They always think they're right, if you dispute what they say they'll raise their voices and shout at you to stop you voicing an opinion and when you prove them wrong rather than apologising they go off and sulk like spoilt pathetic little children.

They always make really nasty, unhelpful, obnoxious, sarcastic comments, they force their beliefs and ways of doing things on you and if you do something differently to the way they would do it they'll be a complete moron about it.

I had an ISTJ housemate once and he drove me absolutely insane- had no respect for other people's beliefs other than his own, he would have a go at people for never doing the washing up and he never did it himself, if you didn't use up the old butter/ milk or whatever before opening a new one he'd have a right go at you- I remember one time someone had left a pack of sausages in the fridge until they went one day out of date and he went around everyone in the house asking who did it. You would argue with him KNOWING you were right but he would still keep going and when you proved him wrong, he just got up and left.

If you made a mistake or asked something he thought was obvious he would make really obnoxious condescending comments, but if he made a mistake he would always make it out to be someone elses' fault. Yeh rant over. So in answer to your question, I don't think much of ISTJ's at all, and as an ESFJ I don't know how you managed to date one! I find it hard to even be friends with them!

 

[hohum70]

Thanks for your comments evenflow. Am relieved it is over now and I have my happiness back.

 

[vocalist]

I don't know, but I took an online test once to see which type I would supposedly like best as a mate and my result was ISTJ. I don't know, though, I really like my INTP husband, so...I'll think I'll stick with him

for what it's worth, there might be some really _good_ ISTJs out there that you might get a long with really well, who have acknowledged their flaws and weaknesses and try hard to improve themselves and be good and tolerable people. Just because you have one bad experience with an ISTJ doesn't mean the whole lot of them is bad...

There are "bad apples" present in every personality type.

 

[Caius20]

Certainly we ISTJ's can act like that, but I have a hard time believing that all of these negative things were constants in the ISTJ's life. If it was, he or she must have been under a lot of stress, or just one of those bad apples.

You can't all have only negative experiences with us. I have a friend whom I am fairly certain is ESFJ, and although we don't always agree, we get along quite well.

 

[hohum70]

Thanks Caius20, trust me that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had to take extra cash and taxi numbers with me when we went out for the evening as he would lose his temper regularly, drive off or walk off leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere at night. This happened at least once a week and we didn't see each other much more than that. There is loads more but I don't want to go into it on here.

 

[Frannyy]

I will admit that I have a rough past with the majority of ESFJs I know, but it's just that we don't see eye to eye on most things, they are not bad people and I would hope you realize the same about ISTJs. One of my dearest and closest friends, however, is indeed an ESFJ so it is possible. there are also a few ESFJs who I get along famously with so I wouldn't rule it out. Your friend may have just been immature.

 

[teddy564339]

Yeah, I always think situations like this remind you that you can't base everything on type. I really think that all types can get along, it's just some may have more difficulty or some may have to compromise more. But for all sixteen types there are good and bad people, healthy and unhealthy people, and so on.

I've talked to a number of ISTJ's here, and they seem like great people to me (of course, I've never lived with them). My mom is also an ISTJ and she's an amazing person. I don't know for sure, but one of our family friends strikes me as an ESFJ. They get along just fine.


So again, you always have to be careful about basing your perspective of an entire type on just one person (or even a few people), especially if it was a bad situation. I've heard people on here talk about ISFJ's they know that sound very different than me. Type is only part of a person, and in all four categories people can share the same letter and have varying degrees of preference for it.

 

[evenflow87]

Oh he's not the only ISTJ I've had a bad experience with- There's at least 3 or 4 others I've known who have driven me insane. I've only come across one who doesn't annoy me at all and she's lovely- but then again, I've never lived with her or spent that much time with her- It's when I've spent more time with them that I've really started to notice their negative traits which I haven't liked at all and obviously this gave me a negative view of that particular personality type. It's very narrow minded I know, but in my experience, the ISTJ's I've known well have been very similar to my housemate I described above.

 

[NeonBomb]

My ESFJ mother has been married to my ISTJ father for twenty years. I do feel for her sometimes when my dad is just to harsh and blunt with her. It's like he hasn't got the patience for her F sometimes. At the end of the day they're there for each other, I guess.

Thought I'd throw that out there!

 

[Sela]

Thanks Caius20, trust me that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had to take extra cash and taxi numbers with me when we went out for the evening as he would lose his temper regularly, drive off or walk off leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere at night. This happened at least once a week and we didn't see each other much more than that. There is loads more but I don't want to go into it on here.

That person's behavior was not indicative of his personality type, in my opinion. He was just being nasty and mean-spirited. I don't care HOW angry I am, I would NEVER leave someone stranded somewhere without a ride. I'm the person that makes sure my passenger gets safely into their house before I drive away. If I'm responsible enough to take them somewhere, I'm responsible enough to take them home as well.

 

[pliqht]

My mom (ESFJ) separated from my dad (ISTJ) because they both find each other impossible

 

[Ash]

I think some are awesome.....some not so much

Initially,

Once I meet someone and we instantly have this RIFT of energy....its usually an istj. But, at times, I misread them (human imperfection aye?). Interestingly though, over a bit of time WE BEGAN TO CLICK DEEPLY AND ON A WAVELENGTH THAT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED. I personally can relate very well to ISTJ's and they can strive to understand where I am coming from as well. 3 out of 4 of my best friends are ISTJ's. The other is a borderline ISTJ/ESTJ (if that tells you something...) They are loyal, don't trip off of the small stuff, competent, accomplished, great listeners. What more can anyone ask for?

(Yawning)....All in all, I think they're mighty cool.....

 

[indiharisn]

Hi, this is my first post ever on any of these boards, though I've been lurking for a while. I'm pretty new to typing people, but I've recently realized almost all my close female friends are ESFJs (assuming I've typed them right, of course.) I'm an ISTJ, though my T preference isn't very strong. Maybe we relate through my almost ISFJ-ish side. --As for your ex, I think he's just rude. Leaving someone to walk home would violate my sense of duty. I would never do that.

 

[Random Ness]

Are you interested in socioncs? That could help you understand why your relationship ended, too. An ESFJ is an ESFj or ESFp in socionics. An ISTJ is an ISTj or ISTp in socionics. ESFj + ISTj or ESFp + ISTp = semi-duality, which is compared to the "moth and flame"--a rollercoaster. ESFj + ISTp or ESFp + ISTj = supervision, which is an unequal relationship where the ESF is the master and the IST is the student. Neither relation is easy.

 

[personalityjunki]

I feel that I would enjoy being in a relationship with an ESFJ.

 

[Effay]

Well, my wife is an ESFJ, and we have a strong relationship, probably due to the fact the we both know we each have strong traits to bring to the table. (I may show how certain decisions may be better for our current circumstance, but she is far better at showing how we can develop our humanity and become better people.)

One caution to remember, SJ's are strong willed with strong opinions, and when one is a T and the other an F, (especially if both are strong T's or F's), there can be huge clashes.

Example: before we were married, we were in a choir together. Someone said or did something that hurt her feelings, so we left. For some reason, I then got upset, (maybe because it seemed like we didn't attend this choir often, and I wanted to stay. I don't remember) and threw the music at her feet. I then demanded she pick up the music, and we fought for another couple hours.

Because we both have the SJ, but have an opposite T/F, we often disagree about things. It's when we don't have the sense to sit down and work out a common decision that we argue a lot.

 

[chickpeaax]

sounds like that ISTJ was a very unhealthy ISTJ. Most of them are lovely, you were just unfortunately to have found one of the worse ones...

 

[rickybobby]

At work, I function best in ISTJ mode.
At not-at-work, I default to my ESFJ.
I try not to let the worlds collide. I find this to work for me. It's not a hard transition as I can somehow compartmentalize. Also, besides the S, I can go 49/51 on the other traits.
That's just me though. Self-control and a good filter allow me not to be the "Monica-type" that everyone seems to label ESFJs. I hate labels but I have no problem committing. But that's just me.

 

[The Proof]

Ever since I first knew about Myers Briggs, I've always though ISTJs/ ESTJs are the worst types of people. They always think they're right, if you dispute what they say they'll raise their voices and shout at you to stop you voicing an opinion and when you prove them wrong rather than apologising they go off and sulk like spoilt pathetic little children.

They always make really nasty, unhelpful, obnoxious, sarcastic comments, they force their beliefs and ways of doing things on you and if you do something differently to the way they would do it they'll be a complete moron about it.

I had an ISTJ housemate once and he drove me absolutely insane- had no respect for other people's beliefs other than his own, he would have a go at people for never doing the washing up and he never did it himself, if you didn't use up the old butter/ milk or whatever before opening a new one he'd have a right go at you- I remember one time someone had left a pack of sausages in the fridge until they went one day out of date and he went around everyone in the house asking who did it. You would argue with him KNOWING you were right but he would still keep going and when you proved him wrong, he just got up and left.

If you made a mistake or asked something he thought was obvious he would make really obnoxious condescending comments, but if he made a mistake he would always make it out to be someone elses' fault. Yeh rant over. So in answer to your question, I don't think much of ISTJ's at all, and as an ESFJ I don't know how you managed to date one! I find it hard to even be friends with them!

just because you met a few who were nuts doesn't mean everyone is like that