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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I am an INFJ, and am continuously curious about how others perceive me and what they truly think of me. More often than not, people describe INFJs as "quiet and nice people" but I would really like for someone to go more into depth.

So my question is: What do other personality types think of INFJs (both their good and bad qualities)?
 

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I'm not sure if you are seeking answers from other INFJs (about how we think other types perceive us) or from members that are actually other types. :p

No matter, though. Generally, we are described just like you said - "nice" and "quiet" and "thoughtful" etc. We can also be quite confusing to others, because our introverted intuition often leads us to conclusions more quickly and with less information than other types would need to come to the same conclusion. We can be perceived as mysterious or even psychic by some. Others enjoy our tendency to be understanding and agreeable.

Other things I have picked up from the forums are that the more extraverted INFJs are often seen as charming, persuasive, passionate, and even manipulative. More introverted INFJs are seen as modest, polite, gentle, dreamy, or distracted. On the other end, we can be mistaken as snobby due to our aloofness.

We are not generally considered to be the life of the party, and some may even see us as boring or predictable, because we can come off as very methodical and controlled on the outside. But we are still generally well-liked.

INTPs and ENTPs in particular seem very attracted to INFJs, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Any personality type is fine. Yeah, I have read a lot of descriptions about INFJs and most of the time I find them accurate, but the ones that are really spot on are the ones written by INFJs. One thing that I think a lot of people dislike about us is our tendency to be somewhat of loners.
 

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As not to generalize I'll focus on the only INFJ I know well, which is my significant other. Maybe you'll relate to some of this.

Her Fe is no indication of what she's actually feeling, and when it comes to INFJs I automatically separate the two. The only time I know what she's feeling or dealing with is when I pay extremely close attention to her and figure out what mind states and emotions to associate her subtleties with. The only reference I have for that, is the handful of times that I've caused her to cry or have some sort of meltdown. At which point I figured out that her Fe projects that which runs contrary to what she's actually feeling. From there I did a bit of testing, gauging her non verbal responses to statements and actions and now I've got a mental encyclopedia going on.

I read somewhere regarding the type; "INFJs anchor their identity in the idea of having an identity that's impossible for others to figure out." I think that's accurate. My INFJ doesn't want me to understand her, doesn't want to help me understand her, yet expects that of me. I can't really complain since I'm guilty of that as well, I think it's Ni related. In any case she is definitely a puzzle. That aspect of her is what I'm most enamored with, her intuitions and abstractions, how they differ and relate to mine. This would probably annoy her but I'm indifferent towards her ethics and external projections. She also shows a lack of interest in my Te i.e. my dealing with the world pragmatically and empirically rather than empathetically.

I care most for her inner world and that which doesn't get shown to others, as I'm a bit jealous and possessive. I don't know where that comes from since it's not characteristic of INTJs, it might me be rooted in my enneagram which is 8w9. As I implied, she's sometimes as caring to strangers as she is to me, which triggers my base aloofness.

She's overly affectionate but I don't really mind it since it's coming from her. She'll nag me to go to the doctor when I'm sick, brings me food for no reason, will force me to take days off, etc. She is very caring which is my second favorite aspect of her. She's also very patient with my aloofness and INTJ-ness in general. She doesn't project or look for her feeler aspects in me. I get the sense that she's trying to actually understand me.

Alright that was very mushy and disgusting to write so I'll stop there.
 

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Octavian's experience mirrors mine, except I inadvertently send my fiancee into her meltdown loops more often. During those episodes, I feel like a bull in a china shop -- on PCP. I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself, try to be as affectionate as I can manage, and let her work through them. She's learned to (mostly) accept that sometimes I just need a few minutes alone to sort out my thoughts, but that doesn't mean I'm [fill in the blank with any number of negative thoughts].

Sometimes I drive her crazy with my casual attitude toward society's problems, and her tendency to be overly helpful can feel a bit controlling at times. However, those last items only tend to emerge when we're both stressed by work or other outside issues.

The other 80% of the time, she's amazing to be around. Very sweet, artistic, and still very much a mystery. Like trying to put together a Magic Eye puzzle where all the pieces are cut slightly different, just when I think I understand her, I realize I put half the pieces in the wrong places. For the most part, we approach things in completely different ways, which sometimes causes tension, but often works out really well, as those approaches complement each other, and return results that surprise both of us.
 

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From my own experience, people who like me appreciate my caring, humble, honest nature, and most of them seemed to be INxx/ENxx people.

People who dislike me think I am numb, quiet and lonely (or even snobby), and most of them seemed to be probably ISxx/ESxx people.
 

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Likes:
loyal, capable of deep conversations, interested in a wide variety of subjects, excellent listeners, helpful. They have a high standing value system that cannot be infiltrated easily. Good way with words and language. Can be trusted on to provide an honest opinion.

Dislikes: Closed off and very hard to get to know. Yes, we get it, they don't like to open and up and be vulnerable, but good luck making connections with people without doing so. Tend to prioritize romantic relationships even over long standing friendships. Act or sound like "know it alls" and really don't know when to stop doing this. Do come across pretentious if they try to hard to be extroverted. Judgemental of many types of people. Far less accommodating in social situations than an extrovert would be. Often try to leap to conclusions about what other people 'need' or 'want', without actually letting others figure that out for themselves in a time and space that is appropriate to themselves. Argumentative over small things that just need to be done the way they are for sake of simplicity and the larger group. Sometimes inconsistent in their friendships or don't make enough time to socialize with others. Can be possessive and constantly testing loyalties. Nit picky.

I only know 2 INFJs in my life. These are just a few observations about them.
 

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Yeah, I knew an INFJ once. I thought I WAS an INFJ once, but listening to her convinced me how far off I was.

She was very interesting, and I loved talking to her. She was also very motherly, which was sometimes nice and sometimes annoying. The one thing that completely threw me for a loop was when she told me she got an "evil" vibe from spiders, which my rational mind absolutely rebelled against.

Basically I loved her to death. The two things that bothered me (which I guess were kind of related) were (1) that she could say something like "I get an evil vibe from spiders" and completely mean it, and (2) that it was impossible to convince her of anything.
 

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We're the proverbial riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of an enigma. If people want to believe that about me, I can play it to the hilt, and there is an element of truth to it so it's not that difficult to do. Subtly, nuance, and irony abounds here. We can be walking contradictions, (like most people), but we're actually aware of it. We revel in irreconcilable paradoxes and know the answer to the question before the question is asked. Sometimes, I don't know what to even make of me, and I have little time nor patience for what others may think. And yes, impossible to be convinced about anything, because we can always find the one flaw in another's argument, belief system, ideology...whatever. We're not pretentious, we're just right. Deal with it. ;-) (we really can have fun too!)
 

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Likes Of the Ones I Know:

Imaginative

Deep

Generally cordial

Like to talk about things other than the weather and sports

Are exceptionally dark

Value relationships with age

Come from a genuinely good place, regardless of politics

Like to talk about feelings

Like to keep the peace

Like change and differences in certain areas of life

Weren't afraid to "go there" with you, if they liked you


Dislikes Of The Ones I Know:

Secretive

Easily hurt

Never completely open about feelings and motives

Have difficulty with confrontation, even when needed

Have high standards which cripple them socially and emotionally

Would rather talk about issues than be active in solving them

Have trouble cutting ties with abusive relationships
 

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I see that a lot of them are readers and I'm all "YAY! People to share my hobby with!"

And then I find out what they actually read...and it's all philosophy and classics and boring stuff like that...:sad:

Other than that, it's variable. They seem to be more intelligent than average, more strongly opinionated...dare I say it, more heads in the clouds?
 

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I'll only say the jack ass things because it's more interesting that way.

(Disclaimer: Each point doesn't apply to everyone -- I know someone will feel compelled to quote me and inform me that they don't do this or that and while they admit to _______ it's with good reason or intentions!).

^With that said, snowflake complex -- I'm unlike anyone or anything.
Know it alls
Manipulative (consciously or not)
Controlling / Perfectionist tendencies
^ Potentially obnoxious
A bit vanilla in most scenarios (read as: boring)
- Too safe or withdrawn
- Guarded with high walls
- Difficult to be friends with
Goal oriented (possible ulterior motives).
Stubborn as hell
More judgmental than they'd like to admit.
I'll help you with anything, but if you don't make the effort or allow me to, then you're basically dead to me -- don't use me to purely vent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Yeah, I knew an INFJ once. I thought I WAS an INFJ once, but listening to her convinced me how far off I was.

She was very interesting, and I loved talking to her. She was also very motherly, which was sometimes nice and sometimes annoying. The one thing that completely threw me for a loop was when she told me she got an "evil" vibe from spiders, which my rational mind absolutely rebelled against.

Basically I loved her to death. The two things that bothered me (which I guess were kind of related) were (1) that she could say something like "I get an evil vibe from spiders" and completely mean it, and (2) that it was impossible to convince her of anything.
How or why do you think personality types change, as you said yours did?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
As not to generalize I'll focus on the only INFJ I know well, which is my significant other. Maybe you'll relate to some of this.

Her Fe is no indication of what she's actually feeling, and when it comes to INFJs I automatically separate the two. The only time I know what she's feeling or dealing with is when I pay extremely close attention to her and figure out what mind states and emotions to associate her subtleties with. The only reference I have for that, is the handful of times that I've caused her to cry or have some sort of meltdown. At which point I figured out that her Fe projects that which runs contrary to what she's actually feeling. From there I did a bit of testing, gauging her non verbal responses to statements and actions and now I've got a mental encyclopedia going on.

I read somewhere regarding the type; "INFJs anchor their identity in the idea of having an identity that's impossible for others to figure out." I think that's accurate. My INFJ doesn't want me to understand her, doesn't want to help me understand her, yet expects that of me. I can't really complain since I'm guilty of that as well, I think it's Ni related. In any case she is definitely a puzzle. That aspect of her is what I'm most enamored with, her intuitions and abstractions, how they differ and relate to mine. This would probably annoy her but I'm indifferent towards her ethics and external projections. She also shows a lack of interest in my Te i.e. my dealing with the world pragmatically and empirically rather than empathetically.

I care most for her inner world and that which doesn't get shown to others, as I'm a bit jealous and possessive. I don't know where that comes from since it's not characteristic of INTJs, it might me be rooted in my enneagram which is 8w9. As I implied, she's sometimes as caring to strangers as she is to me, which triggers my base aloofness.

She's overly affectionate but I don't really mind it since it's coming from her. She'll nag me to go to the doctor when I'm sick, brings me food for no reason, will force me to take days off, etc. She is very caring which is my second favorite aspect of her. She's also very patient with my aloofness and INTJ-ness in general. She doesn't project or look for her feeler aspects in me. I get the sense that she's trying to actually understand me.

Alright that was very mushy and disgusting to write so I'll stop there.
I can probably relate to 90 percent of what you said. I've never seen a relationship between an INTJ and INFJ so this is interesting. One thing though, what did you mean by INTJ aloofness?
 

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Too sensitive for me to be able to deal with.

I mean INFJs are great people, but I avoid them - I can never completely filter my words, and I have always ended up hurting the few that I knew.
 

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How or why do you think personality types change, as you said yours did?
Hate to derail the thread, but that's an interesting question.

I think the main problem was misconception. I assumed that because I felt strongly, I must be a Feeler (thinkers don't have emotions, right?) I loved working out systems and budgets, and my ability to organize concepts led me to believe that I was a J. To confirm, I looked up INFJ and really liked it, so I rolled with it.

I eventually realized that I was a P. INFJs seemed far too mystical for me. I had no real interest in being organized, and I loved keeping my options open and had a hard time sticking to decisions, so I jumped ship to INFP. I'm a pretty feely for an INTP, so I was comfortable for a good while. My F/T usually tested about 50/50, and so it didn't bother me too much that I was pretty cavalier and dismissive for a Feeler. During this period, I had at least one person mention that my posts felt more T to them, but I brushed it off.

I finally read a post suggesting that NTs actually have a harder time with their feelings than most other types, because they don't have well-developed Fe/Fi to help control it. NTs may appear stoic, but internally they get tossed around by their emotions a lot. That sounded suspiciously like me, so I did a little more research and decided that INTP is probably my type. Frankly, though, it wouldn't surprise me if it changes again.

I think types might be able to truly change, though, but that's probably a topic for another thread.
 

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One thing though, what did you mean by INTJ aloofness?
I do not naturally care about how others perceive me, or about their feelings. I tend to be preoccupied with my own thoughts and projects and utterly disregard everything and everyone around me, and when I do acknowledge those things I'm typically nonchalant or bitingly sarcastic in how I do it.
 
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