[Vikka]

Awhile ago I read about the Enneagram and discovered that I am very strongly a Type 4. But as a Type 4, I wonder (and worry) what could other types possibly find attractive about this type. Please don't misunderstand me, I would never actually want to be another type, but as a Type 4, I feel like I am a lot of...work? You know? Like I see myself as moody, anxious, neurotic, etc.

What are some positives about Type 4's? What do other people enjoy about them?

I have been asked out in the past by guys who were definitely not Type 4's. They were laid-back, calm, steady and level-headed. Unlike me. layful:

I guess I am just having a hard time seeing what others could like about me, as a Type 4, since I am a Type 4. It's like I only see the positive qualities that I lack.

 

[Quernus]

I find it funny that a Four is asking this!

I've noticed that some people seem to have a trend of dating a certain type, or at least a trend of dating Fours. A lot of my exes have a Four-liking problem.

From what I've gathered, a lot of these people are:

-Level-headed and laid-back. Most Fours are not -- so, balance?
-Identify with having some sort of "darkness" inside -- relateable?
-Identify with not feeling particularly understood by a lot of other people (even though they're not Fours)
-Have a lot of quirks of their own and appreciate when they're not judged for it (I think Fours are often good at celebrating differences)
-Are critical of the status quo and appreciate when people go against it (yeah)
-I think Fours are pretty good at mirroring and helping people feel good about themselves, idk

*Shrug* Just some thoughts. Hopefully that makes some people feel a little bit good for a minute

 

[ElliCat]

What Quernus said.

In my case, they also like(d) my "what you see is what you get" attitude. That I know who I am and actually want(ed) to share it with them instead of pretending to be who I thought they wanted me to be. And my current boyfriend appreciates my sensitivity (at least most of the time). He's pretty cynical about most people so maybe I give him a break from that, I dunno.

 

[fawning]

People who have asked me out have:

- mostly been introverts (but not all...)
- mostly identify with feeling misunderstood, but tend to be in control of that (unlike myself)
- very curious! apparently I have an air of 'mysteriousness' that intrigues some people.
- very physically oriented, I am getting a lot of feedback that I am a 'beautiful' person, and beautiful + mysterious + unattainable is just a toxic attraction trap for some people - and a lot of those people are the ones I see giving me eyes
- a few seem attracted to my? charisma? if I have that? in that they fall for me after we've talked for a bit. I find myself quite droll with a real self-depreciating, gallows sense of humour that goes over very badly in most situations, but I can think of at least two people who found that hilarious and flirt with me using it
- and there's a few who just seem moved by my quietness/warmth? I go out of my way to be accepting, accommodating and kind, and some people like that (only to be taken aback when the really vile grudge holding comes out, but that's another story)

ditto OP, though: I feel like a lot of 'work', especially emotionally, and most of the people in those categories are just woefully ill-equipped to deal with someone 'beautiful, mysterious and unattainable' suddenly being very intimate, needing a lot of intimate time, and/or ugly weeping about being 'broken and unloveable'.

It used to be, back when I was very anxious and uncomfortable about expressing myself in any way, that men who wanted to 'rescue' me were attracted to me. You know the type. I fucking hated it. Bores every single one.

 

[prsvrnc]

Mmmm!!!! Many fours have a GREAT delicacy of perception. Great... "discriminating awareness" (this is what I want to call it). A fine sensitivity to subtle changes in feeling... (well, duh). But when I see it in another four, it opens up a new pocket of reality that is generally overlooked in the day to day and that can be both moving and beautiful.
Some 4w3s: a generous "bounce" of life and gaity, unending friendliness and open arms. Genuine (and not so genuine!) emotionalism.
Some 4w5s: a calming accepting presence, truly open to others however they are. completely unique and one of a kind.
I find myself draining... I find other 4s draining... but often share touching friendships with them. I love to love 4s because sometimes I think I know what they need (love, as in, girls and guys-- friendship, specifically).


4s can have so much passion!!!! and for the softest things... tenderness. VALUES elevated above all else!!! can be strong and ruthless in the face of what matters to them.
very healthy fours-- truly demonstrate the ability to transform all circumstances into something life-creating and i am in total awe.

fours can be really authentic communicating subtle truths about human condition blah blah blah. right, that is basically from a book but ITS TRUE and i'm really touched by it. it DOES remind me of our deepest humanity. it's great.

 

[g_w]

Type 4s tend to have
a) deep knowledge of emotions (their own, especially) and of the vagaries of the human heart
b) the willingness (under the right conditions) to share and discuss this knowledge
c) depth
d) various intuitive gifts

Some types find these traits attractive.

 

[ersatzcat]

Type 4s tend to have
a) deep knowledge of emotions (their own, especially) and of the vagaries of the human heart
b) the willingness (under the right conditions) to share and discuss this knowledge
c) depth
d) various intuitive gifts

Some types find these traits attractive.

the question is WHICH types

the vast majority of INFP 4w5s in LTRs seem to be with 5w6 INTJs so they must like something about us (i hope)

 

[Dabbling]

Mmmm!!!! Many fours have a GREAT delicacy of perception. Great... "discriminating awareness" (this is what I want to call it). A fine sensitivity to subtle changes in feeling... (well, duh). But when I see it in another four, it opens up a new pocket of reality that is generally overlooked in the day to day and that can be both moving and beautiful.
Some 4w3s: a generous "bounce" of life and gaity, unending friendliness and open arms. Genuine (and not so genuine!) emotionalism.
Some 4w5s: a calming accepting presence, truly open to others however they are. completely unique and one of a kind.
I find myself draining... I find other 4s draining... but often share touching friendships with them. I love to love 4s because sometimes I think I know what they need (love, as in, girls and guys-- friendship, specifically).


4s can have so much passion!!!! and for the softest things... tenderness. VALUES elevated above all else!!! can be strong and ruthless in the face of what matters to them.
very healthy fours-- truly demonstrate the ability to transform all circumstances into something life-creating and i am in total awe.

fours can be really authentic communicating subtle truths about human condition blah blah blah. right, that is basically from a book but ITS TRUE and i'm really touched by it. it DOES remind me of our deepest humanity. it's great.

So true. And also what @g_w said.

But it's not always about VALUES, sometimes it's about longing or a love for a subject which might be very academic. It's the curtailing or the controlling of the unbridled passion which fascinates me...I'm always asking 'how do you deal with that feeling, how does it help you, what makes it useful...' And I learn a lot from them.

I would be a Four in the Heart triad, and I'm a 5w6 INTJ otherwise...so yeah. There's that. I think quite a few of my closest friends are INFP.

 

[Saldron]

People who have asked me out have:

- very physically oriented, I am getting a lot of feedback that I am a 'beautiful' person, and beautiful + mysterious + unattainable is just a toxic attraction trap for some people - and a lot of those people are the ones I see giving me eyes

Hahaha... I think it's also 4s that like to torture themselves over mysterious, beautiful unnattainable people.

But looking at my self, that's mostly the image I give to others... except maybe the beautiful part...
__

As for me I often don't know what the hell could somebody possibly find attractive about me, unless I fake being something I am not (positive, outgoing, funny) which I can be with no problem for a while (well, depending on the day); but then I realize I'm just being that mostly to be liked.

 

[Le9acyMuse]

I've doubted the appeal of 4ness to others, too. We have a perky, attractive drive to test ourselves, but personal failure for us is like electrocution. That same perkiness urges us to create a vantage point out of various weakened states we find ourselves in. I'll agree it gives us hindsight, like empathy for things subject to misinterpretation. That can be attractive. However, that 'perk' makes weakness a strength out of desperation following personal failure. Our 'perk' is afraid of not meaning something to itself; being unable to attach its purpose to something memorable. Without the benefit of meaning you're falling down a well away from relevance, light, and your humanity, which is all you possess, whatever humanity even is.

My point is we're vain. Being attracted to that takes having your own problems...which I guess is the point of attraction: finding others that can make you forget your problems til you can't run anymore. So, whatever attracts others to us may coincidentally help them forget what haunts them the way we're also haunted. Vice versa if it's worthwhile. Leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, really.