[The Mighty Quyn]

My story is quite a long one, so I'll save it for another time.

I know there is no clear cut answer, depends on my circumstance and my feelings towards the matter.

What do you do when the love and the trust isn't there anymore in a "relationship"? You want to get it back, but you don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. There are wrong-doings on behalf of both, and one may be more serious than the other depending on how you look at it; but the love and trust has been violated on behalf of both, no question.

I'm in this predicament right now, and it feels like absolute shyt...I never thought I would or could get to a point like this in a relationship but I'm at a crossroads and it feels like a win and a loss no matter which direction I take.

Time doesn't seem to be the answer.

 

[Promethea]

Sometimes the infatuation will fade, but that doesn't mean the love has gone. The infatuation will come and go during the relationship.

How was the 'trust violated?'

 

[starri]

Why does this remind me so much of an article I read about monogamy killing marriages?

What I can tell you however is that feelings don't just *disappear*, they change. So the question is, what was the feeling? what did it change into? and can it change to something more agreeable in the future?

 

[DMack]

Both sides have to be willing to work on things. You both have to go back to your roots that brought you together. Focus on what made you two like each other. Trust is built over time, you can't recover that right away. But that doesn't mean you can't rebridge the relationship.

If one of the two parties isn't interested in going all out, then it won't work. I've been through that. I will say it took about a year an a half of trying before I was willing to give up.

If your married find a serious counseller that will help each side work through the relationship. If your not married and theres no kids involved it may be best to just move on.

 

[The Mighty Quyn]

No marriage or kids...we broke up about 8-9 months ago over something petty, but our relationship was on the rocks by that time anyway so that's why we broke up so easily. But we maintained contact during our split, and towards the holidays we decided to give it another go, slowly I might add; but neither one of us was quite ready to let go of the new "relationships" we made during our hiatus and basically caught each other in lies or deception.

Genuinely we both want to make it work, but now we don't trust each other lol...it's somewhat comical now that I think about it. And because of that it seems like neither wants to move foward because we don't want to put ourselves out there and get hurt.

I guess "Love" was the wrong choice of word, it definitely is still there or else I wouldn't be here asking that...but once again I am starting not to care about what we have.

 

[MNiS]

Some questions you may want to ask yourself:

Do you love her? Y/N?
Does she love you? Y/N?
Do you think the relationship is worth saving? Y/N?
Is your old relationship worth abandoning for your new one? Y/N?
^-- I'm not judging you but seriously? The two of you met new people while you were split up? lol
Can you see yourself in a long term relationship with her? Y/N?

Answering those honestly should help you decide what you'll want to do.

 

[JackParrish]

1. Porn and alimony (assuming marriage).

2. Mutual effort by both to try and "rekindle" their feelings. (The basis for this is to consider the chemical reactions behind what you're dealing with. Lots of good stuff to read but start by googling "dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and love").

3. No effort to rekindle, or failed effort, but the relationship continues on for social/financial reasons and not personal "love" or attraction.

Really, these are the only three options available to you (the first simply worded to mean, it breaks apart and both of you move on with the consequences).

I highly recommend studying #2. At least figure out what is going on inside of you biologically. Then socially (counselors can help), and then bring that together as a couple and see what can be done. Human beings are incredibly socially and chemically complex, and as much as it may feel like an "accident" to fall in love in the first place, it requires great effort to create it a second time. But it is possible and those who do it find it to be rewarding.

If not you can either stay together for logistical purposes or break apart and deal with the financial and personal consequences (sometimes it's no issue and both are great, sometimes it's brutal). No one can tell you which is right or wrong, and it always sucks. Always.

 

[EdR]

Quyn,

You have what I term the "Old Car Conundrum". Assume you have one car, about 10 years old worth about $2500. It doesn't start one morning, and repairs cost $300. Not so bad. A few weeks later you need brakes, another $600. Tough luck. Then a tire blows and you realize that four new tires are required, another $600. Another big one! Then the transmission won't engage in reverse, which will run $1400. You think that you now have to spend that because you have invested a lot in the car.

Finally the annual inspection rolls around again and it will cost $1200 for a new catalytic converter and other small stuff to get a sticker. What to do? You think that you have to spend the $1200 because the car is worth more, but still only $2500, and you already have put $3000 into it.

What I have presented is a common issue. At no time does the cost exceed the value of the whole package, yet in the end you get nibbled to death and end up spending much more than it is worth. Not a single step in the process was a mistake, but in total the whole process was wrong.

You just have to guess where and when to draw the line without the benefit of hindsight.

 

[Nintendo 64]

Hate to say it man, but seriously, so many fish in the sea.

I've rekindled a relationship after a breakup before, and it never works out for the best. It's like extremely temporary patchwork.

You sound so full of doubt that I think you've already arrived at the conclusion it's time to move on anyway.

Similarly, my relationship is currently on the ropes, except there have been no serious violations of trust, and a bit of time is almost guaranteed to fix the problem. I feel for you and hope things work out however you hope they will.