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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My gut is screaming at me that my wife is having a virtual affair. She spends all her time on an MMO and she is with the same guy all the time. And it has brought our relationship to a halt. I have done some things that I probably shouldn't have (checked her internet history and online txt messaging history)of which I found that someone is texting her every morning before work and as soon as she found out she called our cell phone provider and had the user-name and password changed. She denies any wrong doing of course. But her actions speak louder than words. Until i know for sure it will drive me crazy but trying to find out is destroying the relationship. I know what my gut is telling me I'm just not sure if I should truast it...
 

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My gut is screaming at me that my wife is having a virtual affair. She spends all her time on an MMO and she is with the same guy all the time. And it has brought our relationship to a halt. I have done some things that I probably shouldn't have (checked her internet history and online txt messaging history)of which I found that someone is texting her every morning before work and as soon as she found out she called our cell phone provider and had the user-name and password changed. She denies any wrong doing of course. But her actions speak louder than words. Until i know for sure it will drive me crazy but trying to find out is destroying the relationship. I know what my gut is telling me I'm just not sure if I should truast it...
I don't mean to be a smart ass (this time), but did you even read what you wrote? I mean, aside from your instincts going haywire, you simply have no trust between you and your wife. If she wasn't doing anything wrong then she wouldn't be blocking you from the cell provider, but similarly you are sneaking and checking things behind her back too. I'm not saying either of you are at fault or placing blame because you both seem to be giving each other reasons not to trust the other and I don't know your real life situation.

Now, I have no idea what your wife is doing but I think you should trust your gut anyway. Still, I see the bigger issue as there being no trust between either of you. Without that your relationship is screwed regardless if she is doing anything on the side or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i know i don't know what I am expecting. Just an outlet for me to vent I guess. We are supposed to go on vacation in a few days and what has been happening between us has pretty much killed it and us. I want to be wrong. I would give anything to be wrong. But my heart says I'm not. And my brain says if I am it's going to lead to the same result. Why is loyalty and honesty so hard to find? Its like its a hindrance.
 

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That's something you have to find out on your own, I'm afraid, sorry :sad:

Usually when people connect in relationships/marriages, they should be connected via intuition.

I could tell when my long distance ex was cheating on me way before he told me and that wasn't even a marriage. Imagine that.

As for me personally, life is too short for me not to trust my instincts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
This was supposed to be our honeymoon. We have been married for just over 2 years. And our relationship has turned to shit in the last 2 months. She has put up with a lot. I can say the worst stuff when i get mad. But something is up. She just went to bed with the decision to either go because she wants to try or stay because she doesn't want to try. The outside influence is the wild card of which short of installing software on her pc to record her every move I have no way of knowing. So tomorrow I could be getting ready to go on my honeymoon or I could be looking for a new place to live. I don't know how much control I and in my life but now I feel I have none. And she could call it quits because I was verbally abusive one too many times or it could be because some dork in a game is giving her what i have not been. And my way of dealing with it has not helped.:frustrating:
 

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How verbally abusive were you?

I'm sorry to hear that :sad: Perhaps you should tell her how you really feel, gently? I know that can be hard for an INFP.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Abusive enough that if she booted my ass out tomorrow I wouldn't blame her. i am learning that I do not de4al with my feelings very well and when the come out the come out in anger and usually out my mouth. I have a hard time not saying whats on my mind. So I have said some terrible things to her and meant a lot of them either at the time or even still. Once I get to a certain point I will tell you exactly how I feel in great detail. I have gotten raises because of it. I will stand up for myself if I fell you are wrong. Its when I am wrong that I get into trouble.
 

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Perhaps, that's your cue to change. I sense you seem to feel a lot of guilt.. maybe you should talk to her about the communication issues? Tell her how sorry you feel?
 

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Unfortunately INFP gut feelings are almost always right; I don't think we're the jealous type unless there is reason to be jealous and her behaviour IS suspicious.

There is spyware stuff you can buy for her computer. I personally, wouldn't have qualms about using it to gain access to her email account, messenger, whatever. All bets are off with things like this. Betrayl usurps privacy.
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
The last few weeks have shown me that no matter what I need to get some counseling and can't wait to start. It just might be too late for this relationship. Right now the worst she is doing is txting and playing online together. She is way too much of a prude to be having an online cybersex thing. And he is half the continent away. But being emotionally intimate is just as bad as physically I think. Her heart is as important as anything else, you cant take her heart she has to give it to you. Tomorrow she will decide if we go on our belated honeymoon and work on things or we stay home and start counseling. To me if she is still mine we will be flying away to paradise on Monday. If you loved someone and wanted to make it work this would be just what the doctor ordered. If your heart was somewhere else then this would not be too inciting. So we will find out tomorrow. My gut feeling is I will be on here while balling my ass off. But I have been wrong before.
 

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Unfortunately INFP gut feelings are almost always right; I don't think we're the jealous type unless there is reason to be jealous and her behaviour IS suspicious.
Agreed with this; there's almost always something that seriously backs up our gut feelings when it comes to a situation. We don't get that kind of feeling out of the blue.

Even if she really did betray you, the first thing I would do apologize for being verbally abusive to her...then I'd vow to be a much better person to her. At this point I would think she would open up and spill the beans about her "virtual affair" if she really cared about the relationship. If she doesn't, for whatever reason, then I would proceed to confront her about that guy, and if she does confirm your suspicion, I would ask why. I wouldn't get pissed off about it--especially if I did my share of screwing up the relationship.

If she's really having this "affair" then obviously the relationship was on shaky ground for quite a while. I really feel that the marriage can be saved. I don't know how effective counseling is, but any move is better than no move at this stage. I wish you the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
And I do feel guilt. I feel that I have failed in our marriage and not even had the ability to be normal let alone a good husband. The father of her child used to smack her around and they were together 8 years. I didn't even make 5. I feel that I didn't try hard enough. Its hard to sit on the bench after the horn has sounded and think about all the things you could have done to change the outcome. If she is romancing some goof online I have been pretty shitty for her to have turned to that. Guilty that every time I called her some horrible name that it was one step closer to where I am right now. That i am too selfish to see her point of view. That my answer to her hurting my feeling was to try to destroy hers. And it worked. That I strangle the life out of my relationships and I am lucky she took it for so long.
 

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You have to let her know how you feel--the guilt, the pain--all of it. Things may be rocky, but I'm sure that can change. If she see's this side of you, then I bet she's willing to be vulnerable as well. I mean, no marriage is supposed to be perfect, even with years of preparations, things happen. Arguments happen. We're only human. As guilty as you feel, you need to make a stand. You don't want this marriage to end in disaster...communicate with her.

Whatever you do, don't give up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Ok I am not able to sleep. So I am going to document what I feel are signs that she is not being honest with me. The first sign was at the end of September. She used to play WOW alot before and I played too but when she joined the guild with the current people she is playing with she started playing full time. The stuff she used to do, like there were tv shows that she pvr'd and watched religiously stopped. i just checked and she has not recorded a show since the end of September. So she started not doing the chores she was doing before like laundry and would put it off until she had to do it. Thats when out of the blue she started on me not doing enough around the house. And I admit I am pretty useless when it comes to that stuff but it was not more than a mild irritation before this. And one night she stayed up until 4am which is totally not like her but it was only the once. Never thought too much about but my little voice was starting to whisper. Over the next couple weeks that is what life was like she had little to no time for me. So I started getting pissy about it. Still not thinking too much. Then one morning I heard her cell phone buzz when it got a text message just as she was getting up. Still never thought too much about it for about an hour when all of a sudden it was quite obvious that 7am is an odd time to get text messages. I work an afternoon shift so I was still in bed. When I asked her about it she said it was her son who doesn't live with us and he was playing WOW and had been up all night. OK whatever. It took me a few days to look online and the carriers here don't show the phone numbers they just say sent or received and she had alot in the mornings that she worked. Also a few showed a carrier called converse or something. Google said it was a cell provider in socal. She had mentioned playing with a guy from there so my hair stood up right away. When confronted she said it was a girl she was playing with and that she texted her every morning to see if she was going to work or if she was coming on to play. I know she didn't put alot of thought into that one. So a few days go by and I try to look online and see what is happening and my user name is not found. I punched in the user name that she usually uses and voila it works but I don't know the password. So I ask if she changed it which she denies until I point out her user name works then she gets pissy and says its my fault for looking. So a few days later she leaves her computer logged on and I start looking. She keeps her history pretty clean but she looks at a random my space profile daily of someone she can't know unless its this guy. She also emailed a dozen pictures of herself somewhere-she claims work. I also asked her if she had played with her friend lately and she says she has not for a few weeks, 3 or 4 days after she is supposed to be getting text messages about playing from her. Sh also was looking at porn which for someone who doesn't usually that I know of decided that in the middle of what could be the destruction of her marriage shes gonna start getting sexual of which there has been very little up to this point. And I have been working 12 hr shifts for 2 weeks straight so I am not around alot. And now she doesn't know if she wants to do this anymore or not. You see typing it out makes it pretty obvious that I am not being told the truth about what is going on. I have tried every thing I can to get her to admit to it but she won't. She plays from the time she gets home until I get home from work. And right now I have been locked out of all the sources of info although I could get back on her computer if I wanted. Whay can she not just admit it and let me go instead of blaming me and making it out to be my fault. You can not fix something when one of us doesn't have any interest in fixing. She knows that if its inappropriate I will be done and I kind of wish she would tell me. Ok trying to go back to bed.:unsure:
 

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Trust your gut..... I have gone through a very similar scenario and found out later that everything my gut told me ended up being true. I have no idea how it works but it's like a natural superpower or something.

The fact that you guys have such a lack of trust and abuse going on is another reason to trust your gut. I'm not saying what she's doing is appropriate or ok. But I'm not surprised she's turning to another guy to talk to about her relationship issues. It's not "safe" to discuss them with you because of the name calling and anger she receives. A person can only hold the anger and frustration in for so long before turning to somebody "safe" who will listen. Since this guy is online that sounds pretty "safe" to me.

You guys both need counseling...badly. She needs to understand why she went from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally abusive one....and why she's trapped in it rather than just being honest and walking away. And you need to understand why you're so angry and passive-aggressive. If you truly feel badly about the things you've said and the way you've treated her then counseling will help you understand the "why" and how not to repeat the behavior in a future relationship.

I hope this doesn't come across as bossy or bitchy...it just hits to close to home and sounds way to familiar. I truly hope you will both get help and stop the cycle.
 
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Listen to your gut. One of my relationships ended because I started to have those same kind of gut feelings and after several months of doubting turned out my gut was right all the time. That taught me to trust whatever my gut says.
 

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Far too many times in my life, I have ignored and rationalized my gut feelings when I felt something wasn't right... And guess what? I was usually right.

I was right when my first boyfriend cheated on me and was a big fat liar.
I was right when my second boyfriend didn't wanted to be with me anymore before he actually dumped me.
I was right when someone doesn't like me.
I was right when someone tried to trick me.
I was right when I knew that my ex's new girlfriends will dump him in less than a month and nobody believed me.
I was right every single time.

We are all blessed with a strong intuition and we should ALWAYS listen to it. It doesn't hurt to ask or talk things through with people when you feel something is up, but people lie and people deceive. So in the end, it's up for you to trust your guts and find the cold hard truth yourself, even if it hurts you beyond belief once you find it.
 
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