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MOTM Dec 2011
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What do you need people to recognize about you in relationships? What do you need them to appreciate or admire about you? There is often a lot of talk about what people would like in a partner as far as the partner's existing traits, or what kind of affection they prefer to receive/give, but what about how the person views you?

It may be an e4 identity thing, but I find it important that I am viewed a certain way. It's nice for someone to recognize positives about you that you don't see, but it may also be important that they see you in the way you need to be seen, in the way that you value yourself. Example: one common idea is that (straight) men need to feel "masculine" in their relationship; this may or may not be true, but it's just an illustration of how people may need to be valued or seen in specific ways in relationships. I definitely see emotional motivations playing out here, so considering enneagram may shed some light on your needs in this area.

Consider how these needs play out in different kinds of relationships.

The 4 major types of relationships in life:

Friendships
Family
Romance
Work
 

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4w5 here..

Family & Friendships

I want them to know that I am usually sincere when I care about them, even when I make mistakes... I also want them to understand that some of my thoughts and feelings are valid, even if they differ from me. I want them to understand that I always appreciate intuitive understanding and empathy. Overall, I just want them to see my sincere and empathetic side at the same time don't overlook the other strengths in me that are often overlooked by most other people.


Romance


I want the person to feel emotionally connected to me most of the time. As I sometimes portray many complex layers of my personality, I want him to understand that I am actually not deceptive, to understand why I am that way and see the real me. I want to be appreciated for my romantic intensity in spite of me having the tendency to be indirect in communications and for my ability to make huge sacrifices even when I don't articulate them. I just want him to see all the good things in me that I have trouble showing other people. I want him to appreciate that I feel things deeply, I cry easily but I am very strong, thus although I want independence, I want him to be there guarding me with his life.

Work

Ideally I would want to be appreciated for being unique, insightful and creative. I just want to be understood that I can get too curious about certain things and I am not needing extra fame, I just want to be appreciated to some extent but get some more growth in return.
 

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Actually, all I really want is reciprocity, but I don't require it, because I understand that most people, well, they just don't hold themselves by the same kinds of standards that I do, and I've learned to accept that. What I would like is for them to appreciate my strengths and beauty, as I appreciate theirs, and make efforts to show their appreciation, as I do for them. That doesn't really change depending on the kind of relationship.
 

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MOTM Dec 2012
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Family:
I'd like it if they would call me once in a while to see how I'm doing!

Friendships:
Respect my need for personal space, time. At the same time, they won't think I'm arrogant or aloof.

Romance:
I would like to meet someone who I could share everything with without feeling inhibited. She would also have a delight in seeing the simplicity in complexity. Basically I'd like someone who would know me so well that she could finish my thoughts/sentences.

Work:

I'd like to be praised for the little things that I do right, and not be criticized constantly for mistakes. I can handle criticism, but when it is personal, ad-hominem attacks on my character, I cannot survive.
 

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Friendships: My caring, empathy, and being the one you can always turn to for absolutely anything.

Family: This is hard because I don't feel close with my family..I guess......recognize that I am my own person and that I'm busy and don't have time to do much when at home besides study. And that when I'm not studying it's because I'm so damn burnt out that I need a break, not a list of chores and expectations. I feel bad about that answer a bit because it really shows how low on my priority list family is, and I wish that it wasn't...

Romance: Value my love and my displays of it..enough to reciprocate :happy:

Work: I want the fact that I work hard and try hard rather than screwing off to be noticed above my mistakes. I make a lot of small mistakes when I'm new and uncomfortable, but I put all my effort into my time spent on the clock.
 

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This may sound like I am saying what I need them to be like in order to appreciate them, but really, everything I have listed is about what I need in order to feel liked, respected and appreciated.

Friends, family and romance: I need them to communicate with me on a regular basis, to be open with me about their feelings, to allow me to be open with them about mine, and to not be harmful or disrespect those feelings one they have been shared. I need them to be supportive when I come to them for comforting, without accusing or giving advice, without withdrawing, without fighting me. I need to feel like they accept me at all times and will not abandon me or stop loving me. I need them to have appropriate values that do not cause them to disrespect me or to disrespect others I can empathize with.

Work: I need my boss to give signs of approving of my work when I have done a good job or have put in a lot of effort, in order to keep me productive and happy. It is vital that I feel like I am liked. I shut down otherwise. I need a boss to be clear about what is expected rather than treating me like I should just automatically be able to read his/her mind, especially if any organizing or cleaning is involved. I tend not to noticed what needs to be done unless I am explicitly told. I must have the ability to withdraw when necessary in order to avoid overstimulation, which can lead to anxiety and panic attacks. Therefore, it is absolutely crucial to have a boss who respects my special sensitivity and does not treat me in a dehumanizing way. If a boss ever yells, condescends, verbally abuses me or shames me for crying when I feel overwhelmed or upset, it is a dealbreaker, and I will be unable to continue the job. Victim blaming is probably my biggest panic trigger, and I cannot work under any conditions in which it occurs. I cannot hide my emotions, and cannot be in any job where I would be required to be inauthentic. Ideally, a boss would place a lot of value on my creativity, my kindness, my depth of caring, and my willingness to go to extreme lengths in order to be pleasing. It is also very important that my boss not have any requirements for how I must organize my personal work space, because I am territorial and do not do well when I am required to avoid making a mess.
 

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MOTM Dec 2011
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Okay....I'll do it also. Qualities I'd like to be appreciated for.....

Friendships: interesting, insightful, unique, silly - It's hardest for me to gauge how friends see/appreciate me. I'm not sure if this can be as defined as other relationships, because friendships have so much variety within the category. I don't think I will ever be the fun or funny friend, and that's okay with me, but I sometimes resent being the therapist friend....I have a light-hearted side also.

Family: caring, compassionate, loyal - I find my family would probably be more likely to appreciate the friend qualities above. They're far more likely to accuse me of being cold, which I find frustrating (because I don't feel cold, and I feel I do make efforts to show softer emotion with them). It would be nice to have my efforts & track record recognized.

Romance: intelligent, independent, unique - I feel almost insulted if someone finds me attractive just based on looks & because I seem sweet. Not that those are not nice to hear, but I feel like a bunny being patted on its head: "Oh, aren't you cute & sweet". It's kind of demeaning. Although it was a rather dysfunctional friendship (slightly romantic, so I'm putting it here), but I appreciated when an INTP friend told me once that I had a "hot brain". That's a compliment to me.

Work: creative, smart, capable, indispensable - I think I undersell myself, so it may be my own fault that I don't often get opportunities which I feel would utilize my potential. Generally, once I have a job, I can earn this rep, but it's not established immediately.
 

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I think what is essentially at the heart of all kinds of relationships is what rowingineden said: reciprocity.

I know that life is not supposed to be lived on the basis of a profit-loss balance. But If you keep giving without getting back, your energy is bound to drop and any relationship that is affected by this one sidedness will deteriorate. At some point, depending on many factors, you will stop going the extra mile.

Essentially in life you will meet two extreme kinds of people with almost everyone being somewhere in the middle. On the one hand you have the takers who will suck up whatever you give them and never return anything.

Than you have the givers. Those people will radiate positive energy toward you no matter what you do in return. My gf is one of the most naturally giving people I have ever met.

Most people are somewhere in between these extremes and their behaviour is often further modified by the nature of the relationship.
 

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In all my relationships -- I must have respect and comfort. If I ain't feeling comfy, I turn into Dexter and start to get out the plastic sheets and implements of destruction.

That last sentence was a joke. Hehe. I just said it that way to illustrate a point.

To summarize - comfort and respect.
 

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Friendships:

I don't like to get too close emotionally to a friend. I'd rather divide that emotional closeness between few close friends. But I want my friends to appreciate me for being me. As a friend, I want to be unique and irreplaceable.

Romance:

Now, this is where I want to give my whole self to one person and not divide it. I want to be appreciated for the same things as in friendships, only much stronger; I simply need to be that one guy who was made for her and not the lesser of more evils. "Alright" isn't gonna cut it, I need to be exactly what she was looking for, exactly what she needs and I need to be the absolute most important thing in her life. In her eyes I have to be the most handsome and the most attractive guy in the world and I have to be the person with the best personality in the world, in her eyes.

Slowly starting to see why women hate me..

Family:

Actually, I want nothing to do with them emotionally. To me they're really only good for helping out with practical stuff.

Co-workers:

Work-wise I need to be seen as flawless and even over-working; a good but independent member of the team. But I also want to be seen as unique and special.


I'm Type 4, btw.
 

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MOTM Dec 2011
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
There are a lot of answers which are saying "I need them to give me XYZ" or "I need to be treated in XYZ way" which are all fine & dandy, but the thread is asking how you want to be viewed by a partner (or friend or whatever). What qualities do you want them to appreciate YOU for, not what they bring to the relationship or how they treat you. Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate? For instance, let's say you feel being funny is a strength of yours, but despite caring for you & appreciating your other qualities, your SO does not find you funny; would this affect the relationship? Would you feel "misunderstood" in a sense?
This is really asking to consider your own identity in relationships.
 
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One of the reasons my relationship history is non-existent (excluding a lack of attraction of course) is that my heart has always desired a large degree of freedom, perhaps too much. It makes an idealised image of the relationship beforehand but when I have the chance to have more my mind wonders about my freedom. I have fallen in love with the freedom being single brings, the freedom to go where I please and choose my own beliefs. My mind will have to choose between two loves. This is the same for all my relationships. I live with my family yet I tell them nothing about myself, my life or anything. All my advice comes from those at work or on the Internet. At work it is the same, I love freedom and nothing irritates me more than micromanagement or being judged by managers who take their first suspicion as concrete fact and ignorantly act on it.

I would look for love and freedom in a relationship. Perhaps thats immature of me but is there a way for a solitary individualist to feel content from the situation without feeling chained?
 

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In all my relationships -- I must have respect and comfort. If I ain't feeling comfy, I turn into Dexter and start to get out the plastic sheets and implements of destruction.

That last sentence was a joke. Hehe. I just said it that way to illustrate a point.

To summarize - comfort and respect.
Sily... you have failed. BAD Sily. BAD Sily! Now answer the question right.

There are a lot of answers which are saying "I need them to give me XYZ" or "I need to be treated in XYZ way" which are all fine & dandy, but the thread is asking how you want to be viewed by a partner (or friend or whatever). What qualities do you want them to appreciate YOU for, not what they bring to the relationship or how they treat you. Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate? For instance, let's say you feel being funny is a strength of yours, but despite caring for you & appreciating your other qualities, your SO does not find you funny; would this affect the relationship? Would you feel "misunderstood" in a sense?
This is really asking to consider your own identity in relationships.

Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate
? Okay I'll try and answer this again, rightly --> the me I need them to appreciate me for is the real me. Like the lazy me, happy me and the me that farts in bed. I have about 400 different flavors of me, so they have to be able to keep up.
 

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MOTM Dec 2012
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Family:
I'd like my family to view me as someone who is creative, out-of-the box thinker who is capable of doing great things in this world. Bonus, if they can appreciate those things...although it's probably wishful thinking.

Friends:
I'd like my friends to view me as someone who is passionate, gentle, sensitive and generally trustworthy. I don't want them to see me as weak-minded, wishy-washy, uncaring, and indecisive. I may be act like the aforementioned, but I certainly don't try to be those things intentionally.

Romance:
Ah, I'd like my partner to view me as cool, caring, funny and trustworthy. I want to them genuinely enjoy my sincerity and sometimes corny humor. I also have a dark side which I don't tend to show, so if possible, I'd like her to feel that my dark side isn't an impediment or character weakness but an integral part of me. Bonus if, she can empathize with my pain.

Work:
I'd like my co-workers to view me as reliable, loyal and creative. Bonus if they can appreciate my deep well of empathy and personal attention.
 

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There are a lot of answers which are saying "I need them to give me XYZ" or "I need to be treated in XYZ way" which are all fine & dandy, but the thread is asking how you want to be viewed by a partner (or friend or whatever). What qualities do you want them to appreciate YOU for, not what they bring to the relationship or how they treat you. Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate? For instance, let's say you feel being funny is a strength of yours, but despite caring for you & appreciating your other qualities, your SO does not find you funny; would this affect the relationship? Would you feel "misunderstood" in a sense?
This is really asking to consider your own identity in relationships.
I guess going by this, I need them to simply appreciate that I'm both a man and an INFP at the same time and even though you get a mix of masculinity with romanticism, that comes with not always being able just to bury my emotions.

I try to go with and use the best side of me for each situation as it comes, but sometimes the side I wish wouldn't come out has to. If I have a problem with something that is really upsetting me then I don't want to be called an "emo whiny baby" as my ex-wife used to say just because I didn't "suck it up" as most guys would let it go. Bitch :angry:

Still, I think you can find someone who can fully appreciate you, where you don't have to settle and pick and choose to be satisfied with only some things while being miserable about others. That doesn't mean you'll never fight or anything but this is just my idealism about finding 'the one' as I think they should be fully able to accept you and be ok with all those sides of you if they are really right for you, even your faults.

After that, as far as interests and stuff, I just want the person to have more in common with me than not. I'm not picky as to what... if we have a lot of stuff in common then we'll spend most of our time together doing those things, and the few things we do separately will be a good time to be alone for just a little bit.
 

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There are a lot of answers which are saying "I need them to give me XYZ" or "I need to be treated in XYZ way" which are all fine & dandy, but the thread is asking how you want to be viewed by a partner (or friend or whatever). What qualities do you want them to appreciate YOU for, not what they bring to the relationship or how they treat you. Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate? For instance, let's say you feel being funny is a strength of yours, but despite caring for you & appreciating your other qualities, your SO does not find you funny; would this affect the relationship? Would you feel "misunderstood" in a sense?
This is really asking to consider your own identity in relationships.
I don't really have any needs or expectations in that sort of way.
 

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it's the same for all of them: trust, openness, understanding and mutual caring
 
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If I could sum up my thoughts in one sentence, I'd say "Please love me for who I am, warts and all."
 

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There are a lot of answers which are saying "I need them to give me XYZ" or "I need to be treated in XYZ way" which are all fine & dandy, but the thread is asking how you want to be viewed by a partner (or friend or whatever). What qualities do you want them to appreciate YOU for, not what they bring to the relationship or how they treat you. Who is the "you" that you need them to appreciate? For instance, let's say you feel being funny is a strength of yours, but despite caring for you & appreciating your other qualities, your SO does not find you funny; would this affect the relationship? Would you feel "misunderstood" in a sense?
This is really asking to consider your own identity in relationships.
Oh, now I understand.

As Enneagram Type 4, I can get obsessed with identity O____o. It just comes with the parcel.

In personal bonds, I want them to see me as I really am; someone dramatic but deeply empathetic, intelligent but not in the conventional sense - intelligent in my own sense, someone who needs to be protected when the times call for it but not someone who lacks having a backbone, etc.

Most importantly, overall, I want them to see me as completely sincere to them, intuitive and empathetic. Those qualities are what I want people I care about to see and appreciate in me.

In the workplace, I just simply want to be seen as someone who can do the job well, responsible, unique, insightful, intellectual and cooperative but not ''doormat'' in any sense.
 
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