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What are your needs in an romantic relationship with someone?

I know the stereotype answer: independence, freedom and space. But I´m interested in what you seek beyond that!
 

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I try to keep the needs to a minimum. Here are my wants:

I want a man to be

1. unpredictable and fascinating (like, I can't predict what he's going to do all the time, and I'm a predictor)
2. a horndog and a incorrigible perv
3. to understand my particular weirdness, and able to talk to me to clarify the parts he's still trying to understand.

#2 ensures I get my way a lot by batting my eyes. #1 ensures that the times I don't get my way are worth hanging around for. #3 ensures the aforementioned freedom and space, among other things, because if he cares, he understands all that, too.

He also has to be flawlessly trustworthy on the big things, and almost flawlessly trustworthy on the small ones. Those are requirements more than wants or needs. There just isn't a relationship without them.

But honestly, I didn't even know these were my wants until I met someone who had all of them. And that's my gagworthy sweet admission for the day. :hearteyes: Don't tell my husband. He thinks enough of himself as it is.
 

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This has me wondering when is the best time to let someone you've been seeing know that you are in fact a horndog and an incorrigible perv? When is it okay to remove that veil of propriety?
you always find out along the way, women aren't the same on this matter. Some women are easy going on being pervy, some are a little more innocent and demand time to open up. Same goes for you, try it out, if she seems to withdraw stop and wait.
 

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Not really sure what I'm seeking, except it's got boobies involved.

Seriously, though, I've been proven time and time again that it's futile making any kind of "list" for what's "preferable" and what I should expect and do in an uncertain future. Everything is about circumstances and opportunities that only exists in the now, because times change, people change, and whatever dumb "rule of thumb" I made a year ago is irrelevant today, although I do keep certain wisdoms in mind. That way, I just trust that future me will know how to adapt and do the right choices for whatever scenario I'm in then.
 

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Not really sure what I'm seeking, except it's got boobies involved.

Seriously, though, I've been proven time and time again that it's futile making any kind of "list" for what's "preferable" and what I should expect and do in an uncertain future. Everything is about circumstances and opportunities that only exists in the now, because times change, people change, and whatever dumb "rule of thumb" I made a year ago is irrelevant today, although I do keep certain wisdoms in mind. That way, I just trust that future me will know how to adapt and do the right choices for whatever scenario I'm in then.
I agree fairly strongly with this.
 

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This has me wondering when is the best time to let someone you've been seeing know that you are in fact a horndog and an incorrigible perv? When is it okay to remove that veil of propriety?
*Trigger Warning. Not PC*

Ah. Well, this is where you use your masculine intuition. The one that used to help you track deer. What kind of deer is this? Can you get closer? Which way is the wind blowing? Sniff and see. Remember, fortune favours the brave. Respect her later. Hunt her now. It's nature's way.

If there's just too much doubt, though, always err on the side of more gentlemanly. Even the wildest ones don't want to be taken for granted as easy prey. They know they're the tastiest, and they want you to earn it. After a respectable passage of time, however, the question of easy prey is pretty much dispensed with, and if she's not become bored and moved on, you're going to be fine.

After you've moved in successfully, all bets are off. Articulate the perviness to her in terms of worship and you can get away with almost anything. You'll both be after a heart connection, and there are many paths to the heart.

For anyone whose heart's not fueling the perviness, I don't know what to tell you. See a doctor? :tongue:
 

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How does he meet these criteria ?
Well, every one of them is specific to his personality. And what a hard question! (But kind of delicious to think about, so thanks.)

 


It's a combination of surprising and inconsistent.

He comes up with hilarious metaphors (he's Ne-heavy) that make me belly laugh. These are surprising.

He has weird plans for building things I wouldn't have thought of. And then he builds them. Also surprising.

I'll have a long, convoluted problem, explain it to him, and he'll say, "Oh, (five words)" and he's right. I'm always surprised at what I overlooked. However, most of the time he listens to me on everything, because he knows I have a better sense of what's going on.

Then there are the contradictions, so that I never really know who I'm dealing with, hence more surprises:

He doesn't let me push him around because he has a clear vision of what he wants. He might change it suddenly to what I want, but I can see the compassion happening there, it's not a reflex (he's not "trained.") He doesn't always get the balance right, but when he's present, when his heart is open, he does. (I have ways of helping keep his heart open. And no, no one can ask me about those.) I must be crazy if I think I can order him around, but he is, by his own account, my devotee whose primary joy in life is seeing me happy.

He believes men and women are equal (if anything, women are slightly better) but DIFFERENT. For example, he defers all parenting questions to me because obviously, as the mother, I know more about these things. And yet, people of whatever gender can obviously do anything they want. That sort of contradiction. He treats me like a lady, in both the good ways (respect, courtesy, protectiveness, courtly manners, not expecting me to take out the garbage) and more "chauvinist" or presumptuous ways that he knows turns me on. He feels guilty about this behaviour/these beliefs and revels in being such a cad in turns. So I never really know what he really is. And I love that. (I'm not exactly sure what I believe, either, and I probably embody similar contradictions for him.)

He thinks I'm better than he is in every single way (smarter, prettier, more moral, more creative) but he still deserves me, nay, deserves to take me for granted, even, because he's him and he's still the greatest thing ever. It's a hilarious contradiction, and he doesn't feel obligated to justify it.

He's a math whiz, self-taught programming whiz, but he writes comedy radio shows in his spare time and actually gets them produced. He wrote novels when he was younger, but he thinks in numbers.

He's a brown person whose parents hail from the tropics, but he would feel most at home in a tweed jacket in a leather chair by a fire listening to Handel. He loves stinky cheese, Yorkshire pudding and pickled herring, but also curry and steel drum music. He hates hipsters but is a vaping enthusiast.

His day-to-day attire is faded and often has holes in it, as do his shoes (until I throw them away). And then he'll have a meeting and show up in one of his Italian suits that cost thousands. When he gets his coffee beforehand, the baristas do not recognize him. That's how different his two modes are. Just when I get used to one of them, he'll show up as the other guy. It keeps things fresh.

He's a goofball, often needs simple things explained to him, but people pay him a lot of money to do complicated things because some things, he can do better than anybody else.

He's elegant and handsome to behold, but he is not graceful, is downright clumsy and has two left feet. He also doesn't bathe frequently enough if I'm not around.

I guess, in short, he's tried a lot of things, kept the ones he likes, and is passionate about them, even if they don't exactly mesh together. He's a weirdo, but if someone were trying to systemize this behaviour, that's what I'd tell them to do: try a bunch of things. Pursue vigorously the ones you like. Stay passionate about them. Then, try not to do or be the things you don't care about. That's how you learn to be your unique self, and that's extremely attractive.
 

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Not really sure what I'm seeking, except it's got boobies involved.

Seriously, though, I've been proven time and time again that it's futile making any kind of "list" for what's "preferable" and what I should expect and do in an uncertain future. Everything is about circumstances and opportunities that only exists in the now, because times change, people change, and whatever dumb "rule of thumb" I made a year ago is irrelevant today, although I do keep certain wisdoms in mind. That way, I just trust that future me will know how to adapt and do the right choices for whatever scenario I'm in then.
Pretty spot on. Many of my preconceived, abstract ideas, have fallen to the wayside in regards to relationships of any kind.
 

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I've just exited a long term relationship that disintegrated around me, and left me wondering what a desirable relationship or connection would be. I feel overwhelmed by the human condition and I literally dont know what to think anymore.
Be it friendship or a relationship, it feels as though each person is their own little package of chaos(myself included) and I can never establish a connection that feels anything beyond superficial. I dont really ever feel like I can share anything with others.

In less existential terms and more practically speaking, I can't be too picky. I first need to find a woman that sees me as a man and finds me physically attractive, something which has never really happened. Another reason not to bother with writing a long list of criteria.
 

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@Richard

You seem to be quite articulate, so maybe online discussions could help you meet a like mind. Being articulate is an increasingly rare and desirable attribute. Look into forums and spaces for things you enjoy and see who's there? If you just got out of a relationship, now probably isn't the best time for evaluating yourself. That's a hard thing to go through, and it's hard to be yourself just after.

But you're right, each person is a little package of chaos.
 

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I'm in a pretty strong pattern of avoiding relationships altogether.

What I want in a relationship is understanding. Which is hard enough to come by, anything else is just icing on the cake.
 

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Seriously, though, I've been proven time and time again that it's futile making any kind of "list" for what's "preferable" and what I should expect and do in an uncertain future. Everything is about circumstances and opportunities that only exists in the now, because times change, people change, and whatever dumb "rule of thumb" I made a year ago is irrelevant today, although I do keep certain wisdoms in mind. That way, I just trust that future me will know how to adapt and do the right choices for whatever scenario I'm in then.
I just read something recently about how compatibility (or what we call compatibility) is not in any way correlated with the success of long term relationships. Most couples, when asked how they managed to stay together so long, say it's because they wanted to and put the effort in that was required. Couples that break up will blame it on issues of compatibility, so in a way compatibility is just a way for shitty people to justify doing shitty things to other people or to excuse their terrible relationship skills. So... I'd agree with you. Their is no magical criteria that someone will fit that will equal a perfect relationship, but their are some guidelines that should be followed to avoid the crazies.

What's a veil of propietitty?
First I was like, "Something you need not concern yourself with, I don't think you use one anyway." Then I was like, "did i misspell veil? No, but that's a weird looking word." And then I was like, "but he misspelled propriety--... or did he?..." God, I'm super interesting.
 

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Thank you for the lovely thought-provoking question!

In other threads I've discussed what I want in a partner. I think what one wants in a relationship is a separate thing.

I want honesty and respect. Without these, we aren't "relating" at all.

Commitment. I'm currently facing some financial challenges. My bf said, "That's okay, we can spend less money." We? Wow! And he talks about our future in a matter-of-fact way. I like it that I can assume that we'll be together for years, and maybe until one of us dies.

A compatible lifestyle. For example, we both want a peaceful life in a natural setting. We have similar needs with regard to sociability, togetherness, thrills, routine, noise levels, etc.

I used to think other things were important--for example, passion. Now I think some of those things are nice but not necessary.
 

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I have no freaking idea. But I know I'll recognize it immediately. Everything is just going to be easy and feel right.
 
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