[Xiong Mao]

From what I hear, INFJs are not quick to get angry or hate...but when they do, all hell breaks loose. I hear they have the amazing ability to help people or destroy them in an instant. Obviously, the INFJ is not a person I'd purposefully try to upset. Quite frankly, their ability to unsuspectingly wreak havoc and mass destruction upon my entire world in sheer seconds terrifies me. Having experienced this, consequently, I quiver with fear in the INFJ's presence. (the only type with whom I do so)

So, my question is: do you guys give second chances? It takes a lot for the INFJ to finally explode; but when you do, are you willing to work things out and start over if the ignorant provoker is truly sorry? And how exactly does can said idiot show the INFJ that they are truly sorry?

All responses and insight are greatly appreciated. :happy:

 

[Bast]

Personally, once I've gotten to "the point of no return" in my interactions with someone, it's highly unlikely I'll give them another chance. What said point actually is varies from person to person and from situation to situation, but it's always there. I also weigh the cost-benefit ratio of maintaining the relationship versus letting it go.

 

[Remcy]

I do give second chances, but there's always going to be some kind of wound.

It's natural for me to expect people to learn and improve, so giving a second chance is kind of an inherent characteristic. However, I will never forget what happened, and sometimes splinters in the wound may cause infection.

 

[Mav_]

Hi new here.


I would assume the INFJ you are referring to is either a person with a position of power over you, of the opposite sex in which you have feelings for or a friend of yours. Regardless, if that person is pushed into rage mode then they can lash out with no empathy what so ever. They will more than likely attack you in a way that they know can hurt you and I would assume most INFJ's have a talent for exploiting peoples weaknesses. Chances are though that if they were pushed to this point, they probably had a valid reason. As said above, depends on the situation and the benefits of continuing contact. From what I gather it was your ignorance that pushed them to this point? Sounds like a forgivable offense. I would suggest confronting the INFJ in person and show that you are genuinely sorry. They will respect you for acknowledging and owning up to your mistake. Also note that they probably already feel ridicules for lashing out and apologize themselves. Just don't make the same mistake twice. It won't be forgiven a second time unless you are family.



Don't be overbearing when apologizing. INFJ's get annoyed by really apologetic and overly nice people. At least I do. I’m sure that is just an introvert trait however.

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

Well, for me personally, the second chances come long before the final "judgement call", so to speak. If you've provoked me to the point of me actively rebuking you on something, you've long since had your second, third, forth, etc chances. But I'm also a 9w1, so I'm really patient with people and try to give them as much leeway as possible on most things.

I'm pretty sure you would be aware of a healthy INFJ's annoyance with you long before it got to the point of no return. Unless you are incredibly oblivious and/or ignorant. We have Fe, after all. Even if we don't say anything, our face will show disdain/disgust/annoyance/etc. The only time our face is neutral is when we're lost in thought, and it's probably not even neutral then.

So what do you do if you've somehow ticked off an INFJ to their breaking point? Pray, if you believe in miracles. ;o) I'm pretty sure an INFJ's inner circle won't be broken more than once per privileged guest. Mine wouldn't be, anyway.

 

[Kaly]

You are being pretty vague here and you are not telling us what exactly happend (I can understand the need for privacy ), so responses you will get will be vague too, unfortunately.
It depends of a situation and the person I am involved with, but generally speaking, no, I don't give second chances (nor I would ask for a second chance for myself).
When someone breaks my trust it is forever lost and I don't see any point in having any kind of relationship with that person anymore, because I could never forget the thing they did that hurt me so much and I could never be the same with them.

That said, my trust can't be lost that easily, I give hundreds of chances to the people I let in my inner circle, it's extremely hard for me to just let go of someone that I once had feelings for.
I also communicate with them what bothers me long before I cut them out, so it's their fault if they didn't take me seriously.

Oh, I can lash out at people if having a bad day and I am being cranky, but then I feel ashamed and very sorry. I don't think you are talking about that here.
My rage is something really scary... when I explode it means you have done sth unforgivable to me or someone else.
Like in hurting really badly someone I love, attacking someone weak and helpless, etc.
I don't want to sound harsh or rude but you must have done sth really bad to the INFJ to make them explode, since, I believe we have a pretty good control over our emotions and for the reason we know how badly we can hurt people we don't let them see our ''dark side''.
We hate conflicts too. With some of my closest friends I have never had a real fight and we have known each other for years, so that also tells sth.

After I explode, I don't actually care how much a provoker is sorry, my empathy disappears and I attack their softest points, it can be really destructive for the other person since they would never guess I can be that scary. Yeah, no second chances from me, sorry.
One thing is to get angry at someone (I think that's normal) or having some problems with the person, but real rage is something completely different.
It's like letting the beast out of it's cage. Not a nice sight. And the beast is then out of control and thirsty for blood. Like someone already said, you can only pray for a miracle then.

 

[frietfriet]

Communicating with my INFJ friend is like walking through a minefield. Oops, I just stepped on one.
:dry:

 

[setzer]

I have never doorslammed anyone. But everyone deserves a second chance. If were talking third? Well... No, then you're out of my life. I'll forgive, but I wont forget.

 

[Melanthe]

So, my question is: do you guys give second chances? It takes a lot for the INFJ to finally explode; but when you do, are you willing to work things out and start over if the ignorant provoker is truly sorry? And how exactly does can said idiot show the INFJ that they are truly sorry?

I was married for 20 years. I have learned to give 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc., chances.

For me to do that, once someone has truly, really screwed up, is:

1. Honesty - I need the person to be completely honest with me about the situation, and any related situation, or I'll smell the lie and no progress forward can occur.

2. Remorse for hurting me. Not just "I'm sorry I did it" but communication that exhibits that they genuinely understand how I FEEL and feel bad for that.

3. Explanation for WHY it was done. Unfortunately, humanoids sometimes do stupid things that we really don't understand the reason for. But I want to see the person try to get to the bottom of it, try to understand why they did this thing. My philosophy is - if they don't understand WHY they did this crappy thing, then how can I trust they won't do it again? I need to see the other person doing some soul-searching.

4. Willingness to let me talk about it, and to sit through my tears, anger, whatever, if the situation has hurt me to that degree. This could go on for months or even years, depending on the situation.

That's actually all I need, but yeah, the scar remains, as others have said.

My ex made out with my best friend (or so I'd thought she was), early on in our marriage. That actually hurt for about a dozen years. Every now and then I would cry about it still, or feel angry, betrayed, etc. It took about a dozen years before it actually didn't hurt anymore. 12 years is a long time.

You have decide whether going through all that for the INFJ is worth it. I've had a few guys decide it's not, after they screwed up and saw just how intensely it hurt me. I was willing to work it out, but... they saw how difficult it was, and I think they didn't like the way I kept looking at them with distrust and disappointment after that.

 

[abysmalbeauty]

No. Once you have gotten beyond that point there is no second chance. Obviously one wouldn't have to walk on eggshells by any means.... But if you are going to completely undermine my values feel free to walk away and don't bother saying bye. If you try to come back and poke at it be ready to get emotionally hurt because chances are its probably going to happen.

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

Communicating with my INFJ friend is like walking through a minefield. Oops, I just stepped on one.
:dry:

I identify a lot with what has been written thus far. I am slow to anger and forgiving of a lot of slights (too forgiving honestly). Second chances (and thirds and fourths) are given well before the final judgment as @GoodOldDreamer put it. I can still be "facebook friends" with someone who has crossed this line, even have empathy toward them. However letting them back in to a place of privilege in my life? Hardly.

That being said, what @frietfriet concerns me. I don't want to become that person that you have to tip toe around lest you hurt my ever exposed feelings. I don't want to be temperamental, and i dont want people to feel like walking through a minefield with me. I want to put on a genuine mature thick skinned front. I want to be a person who has control of their thoughts and emotions. I try to keep in mind the quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

[frietfriet]

That being said, what @frietfriet concerns me. I don't want to become that person that you have to tip toe around lest you hurt my ever exposed feelings. I don't want to be temperamental, and i dont want people to feel like walking through a minefield with me. I want to put on a genuine mature thick skinned front. I want to be a person who has control of their thoughts and emotions. I try to keep in mind the quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Oh, not all INFJs are like that, I'm sure. My friend just seems to have trouble with trusting me, even though I feel like I have done so many things to earn her trust. She has been ignoring me for weeks now, and I know I don't deserve it. I realize my comment may have been a bit harsh, I was just really upset earlier :sad:.

 

[Lightlilly]

if it is just a friend or a relative that has wronged me then I'll give many chances, so long as I can tell they sincerely regret whatever it was.....it takes a lot for me to shut someone out completely

I have let someone back in after deciding I was completely through with them before, but it required a major REAL change in the other person in order for me to let them back in my life, someone can't just say they will "change" I have to see that whatever was upsetting me is gone and that they are a new person in order to let them back in....

I want to point out, that if I was to shut someone out, it does not mean I don't forgive them, because I do, it means I don't want to give them the chance to hurt/wrong me again, I don't believe in letting instances of hate for another person rot in side you, to let your heart heal from the situation is forgiveness to me....doesn't necessarily mean I'll trust them again just because I forgive them.

when it comes to people I'm in a relationship with, I 100% do not give second chances for cheating EVER
there is just absolutely NO tolerance for that sort of thing inside me, which is probably why I haven't been cheated on.
I can tolerate a lot, and forgive a lot of things, but that is one thing that would result in an automatic door slam.... no excuses

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

Oh, not all INFJs are like that, I'm sure. My friend just seems to have trouble with trusting me, even though I feel like I have done so many things to earn her trust. She has been ignoring me for weeks now, and I know I don't deserve it. I realize my comment may have been a bit harsh, I was just really upset earlier :sad:.

Oh you are perfectly fine, I felt bad that you felt that way honestly. I hate you feel that way and are in that position. I wouldnt want to do that to anyone.

 

[DEARJULIET]

I wouldn't say I forgive, I just brush it off, but I dont recognize the person as they once were. I view them differently. I don't really care about them once they have done something wrong to me. But at the same time I still accept them. Sorry if I don't make sense.

 

[Melanthe]

I wouldn't say I forgive, I just brush it off, but I dont recognize the person as they once were. I view them differently. I don't really care about them once they have done something wrong to me. But at the same time I still accept them. Sorry if I don't make sense.

That makes perfect sense to me. I'm like that with people that I don't have a really close relationship with in the first place.

 

[Arclight]

From what I hear, INFJs are not quick to get angry or hate...but when they do, all hell breaks loose. I hear they have the amazing ability to help people or destroy them in an instant. Obviously, the INFJ is not a person I'd purposefully try to upset. Quite frankly, their ability to unsuspectingly wreak havoc and mass destruction upon my entire world in sheer seconds terrifies me. Having experienced this, consequently, I quiver with fear in the INFJ's presence. (the only type with whom I do so)

So, my question is: do you guys give second chances? It takes a lot for the INFJ to finally explode; but when you do, are you willing to work things out and start over if the ignorant provoker is truly sorry? And how exactly does can said idiot show the INFJ that they are truly sorry?

All responses and insight are greatly appreciated. :happy:

I can become angry quite quickly. I call it flash anger..It lasts about 10 seconds and then I have collected myself. Hate is the polar opposite of love.. I feel it about as often.. which is to say.. Not very. People use the word hate way too liberally I think.

I am going to assume you mean a second chance after the "that is IT " event.. This rarely comes. By the time I have gotten to the "that is it" stage.. The person has likely had many chances.

How to be sorry.. and mean it? It takes a long time. Often you can never fix what's been done. The only way you can be sorry is to not do whatever you are sorry for ever again.
The thing is.. I am not going to wait around to see if you really are sorry.. I need to move on because life is short.
I have learned this way myself. I can't fix the past I can only apply the lessons learned as I move forward.
It's too bad it takes losing things and people that matter to teach people this.
That's because people most often don't know what sorry really means until it's too late.
Don't forget to wear your regrets.. They remind you how not to behave.

 

[milli66]

I agree with most of what's been said here. I typically give second chances, but the first offence is still not forgotten. In most cases (depending on relationship) I try sticking to the baseball rule; 3 strikes and you’re out. Anyone who gets ejected moves straight to the “acquaintance” group and they are either ignored or the passive-aggressive tactics are used.

 

[Xiong Mao]

Wow. I really appreciate everybody's comments. Here's a new perspective...

What if said idiot is truly sorry but doesn't really know what he or she did that was so wrong in the eyes of the INFJ? Obviously, when asking what did I do wrong? the classic response is somewhere along the lines of don't act stupid, you know what you did wrong...honestly, I hate when people say that. I'm an INTJ. I know what I know, but more importantly, I know what I don't know!...and I don't know what I did wrong...

 

[Mav_]

If you honestly have no idea what you did wrong then chances are you shouldn't be so worried about it. That person may just have a serious chip on the shoulder. Otherwise you are going to have to give more details because I am sure you have a general idea of what it is you did to upset this person. If this is a situation you find yourself getting into often, the problem may require you to look at yourself a little deeper. Nobody can really help you without more details. They can only assume.