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@Le9acyMuse

In a way, yes. I try to control my thoughts to make things better for me. I try to control my moods and my abilities to make them better for the situation I'm dealing with. I'm working on not doing this as much though because I don't think it's healthy to try to control all these things. Not having control, scares me because of reasons, but if I'm trying to control myself the whole time then I'm not going to be happy.
 

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I guess I try to control my moods by consciously trying to turn them around, which is good, or by blocking them out, which probably isn't so beneficial... I also try to control my energy levels by taking uppers and sometimes drinking a lot of caffeine. It feels like it helps me to be more of the kind of student that I want to be and that I used to be without using chemical help... I actually feel motivated to get out of bed, and I enjoy getting things done and being productive. I try to control my weight, too, but I don't think that will ever stop. It doesn't make me that unhappy, though, because now I'm always close to meeting my standards. I can't think of anything else right now...
 

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You try but you can't feel 'complete' somehow. Do you try to control or manipulate some quality about yourself to step into your envisioned identity?
Oh, I absolutely do, and it's taken me quite a while to realize the extent of how thin I can stretch myself. I used to force myself to pursue a certain hobby, listen to a certain kind of music or watch certain types of movies because brought me closer to my Fantasy Self. The person I so desperately wanted to be, and wanted to be seen as - the two concepts are very closely intertwined for me. For example, I made myself sit through an old French movie, because I felt I just had to like them. As it turned out, it wasn't my thing at all and I got so incredibly bored.

I took the time to write down a list of the personality characteristics of my ideal personality. And I realized.. this doesn't even sound like a real person. It sounds like a character in a book or a movie. It's someone to admire from far away, to be inspired by, but not someone to love. I'd rather be someone people relate to, connect with, care about.
 
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