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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After a lifetime of sexual repression (mostly self imposed) I'm afraid I'm becoming unhinged. These days when I'm in a relationship, I want sex at least once a day, sometimes twice. And even when I'm not, I still want it that frequently, though of course we're talking self-service. This seems rather excessive. Can years of repression have a boomerang effect? It also seems a bit surprising that I'm even capable of doing it that often...
 

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That number doesn't seem unusual for the beginning of a relationship, but often times couples taper down as time passes (from what I've read).

So twice a day (or more) might be normal in the beginning, but then they get more to a few times a week or less frequent as the months or years pass. That's at least, my anecdotal observations from viewing discussions like this.

Personally, I prefer no less than two times a week (once at minimum--but longer, then) while in a relationship (doesn't matter if we've been together for years). And when I am alone it's more like once a day, at least, preferably.

I think whatever works for the couple is fine--whatever is healthy for them.

I think that when you're single it's more of a physiological thing than a bonding/relationship thing, and I do think it could be good for people to continue to experience um...physiological things for the purpose of relaxation or whatever--every day seems healthy to me and as needed.

It's healthier than alcohol or heroin, at least, imo. Though I'm not, personally, a fan of pornography, and I think people who view it as unhealthy for them might be onto something and should respect their feelings (though I am a more sensitive person).

But with a partner you need to consider a whole lot of other needs.

And there are physical elements that affect frequency when you're in a relationship. Like penetration is different than other types of sexual activity. So a partner who's being penetrated a lot might need more time between and it can also depend on other aspects.

For me, I am fine with once or twice a day alone, but in a relationship I remember preferring more like two or three times a week. And part of it may be that when I'm alone I don't have penetration very much, unlike sex, which is much more work too.

And it's not like one is better than the other--sex tends to produce more satiation, calm-down hormones, I've read--penetration with another person...whereas people who don't have sex don't experience the same level of release and exhaustion. So sex with a partner might seem like "less" in frequency but be more, when it comes to satiation brain chemicals?

I'm not sure on the studies though--like maybe it isn't the aspect of penetration during sex, but the aspect of just sexual activity with another person that is more work...either way, it seems to produce more satiation and relaxation chemicals when it's sex and not masturbation, according to that study.

IDK though--I wish I was a sex therapist, but I just gather information from other people and my own experiences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
@WickerDeer Thanks, that's somewhat reassuring. A random and unscientific sampling of the Interwebs said about once a week was about normal. I know there's a lot of variation in this, but it still seemed over the top.
 

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@WickerDeer Thanks, that's somewhat reassuring. A random and unscientific sampling of the Interwebs said about once a week was about normal. I know there's a lot of variation in this, but it still seemed over the top.
I feel like it'd be what is most healthy for you and your partner. I don't think it really matters the frequency, but if it is helpful to you and works with both of your lifestyles.

Imo it also depends on whether it's once a week for four hours or once a week for ten minutes--and also what type of sexual activity it was--could be ten minutes penetration and four hours of foreplay would be much different than four hours of penetration with ten minutes of foreplay...for the person receiving the penetration, at least, I'd assume it'd be a pretty big difference between the two.

I think it's great to have a libido. I usually worry more about myself when it goes away than when I have it. I consider it healthy in myself, though I can see how it could disappear (for me, personally, it would probably be very unhealthy though, for it to disappear, but who knows...I don't...sometimes we must adapt to unhealthy situations with a lowered libido, because of the problems of the world).
 

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And it's not like one is better than the other--sex tends to produce more satiation, calm-down hormones, I've read--penetration with another person...whereas people who don't have sex don't experience the same level of release and exhaustion. So sex with a partner might seem like "less" in frequency but be more, when it comes to satiation brain chemicals?
I see it similar way for myself: one version of whatever sexual activity isn't better than another, they're just different experiences and fullfill different "places" in emotional state. Each different option seems to give different results and I pretty definitely need some other ways of stimulation in addition to "ordinary sex" regardless of being relationship. Like, using whatever other possible ways for stimulation from time to time, instead of penetrative sex. Or playing through some naughty kinky scenes together - that gives me personally very unique effect which is fullfilling in other ways, compared to ordinary sex. More like some drug-induced state of mind which can be addictive without actual substances.

I've noticed that frequency of ordinary sex and overall sex drive are a bit lower in long relationship - probably for reasons that it's mentally more fullfilling with partner, thus required pretty much less often than in case of "self service", while the latter may or may not result in mental release :)

I don't personally have fixed sex drive, it alters a lot over time depending on various reasons, thus I can't give a definition of "normal". For example it seems to be related to my perception: the fresher the impression of the recent experiences in mind, the more I seem to want everything related, while if that impression washes out, I lose some of the drive too. Also external triggers and factors affect it visibly: for example seeing my lady stepping into room in tight red dress, stating it's time for some "education", might put me on some constant flow of turn-on for extended period :p Wouldn't it be cool if it didn't wash out? Nope, it's mind's natural way to protect from overheating as otherwise one could get stuck into some bad impressions forever.
 

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There is no such thing as a normal libido though. Is there a normal appetite? Some people skip/forget to eat breakfast. Some people eat a larger breakfast. Some people snack all day, some people intermiment fast. Maybe your brain thinks you have some good genes to share and wants you to have lots of 'relations'. Libidos vary a lot. Appetites vary a lot, but there is shame associated with sex, so we think we need to control ourselves. And up until recently (1960s?) there were serious consequences for having sex, so our brain is warning us, especially women. Women used to die routinely in pregnancy, and in many parts of the world still do. So your brain/body is unhinged but scared because of the risks, but there aren't as many risks anymore. But our animal brain from 200,000 + years of evolution (and some religion thrown in for good measure), can't realize that.

Anyways, to get more to the point, there is a real 'kick off', as some people reach their early 40s. Biologically this is your last chance to have kids (if it hasn't already passed) and your brain knows it and we are wired to have kids, (even if you don't want to). So the desire might increase as this is the last chance to share your genes.
 

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Never experienced sexual repression. I have sex every day. Usually multiple times a day. Even when I had a cast on my leg after an accident, I'd prop it up on the bedside table and let her do all the work.

It's not a case of normal or not normal. It's a case of, is this working for you. If your libido is making your life difficult, like it was for me a while back, you can try fasting. It helps bring it down. Lower protein intake as well. Exercise a bunch. Lower your gaze. Stay busy with work.
 

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Wanting sex once a day doesn't seem abnormal when you're in love or feeling like you're lacking it. Your fear that it's "excessive" just sounds like the repression talking.
 

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There is no such thing as a normal libido though. Is there a normal appetite? Some people skip/forget to eat breakfast. Some people eat a larger breakfast. Some people snack all day, some people intermiment fast. Maybe your brain thinks you have some good genes to share and wants you to have lots of 'relations'. Libidos vary a lot. Appetites vary a lot, but there is shame associated with sex, so we think we need to control ourselves. And up until recently (1960s?) there were serious consequences for having sex, so our brain is warning us, especially women. Women used to die routinely in pregnancy, and in many parts of the world still do. So your brain/body is unhinged but scared because of the risks, but there aren't as many risks anymore. But our animal brain from 200,000 + years of evolution (and some religion thrown in for good measure), can't realize that.

Anyways, to get more to the point, there is a real 'kick off', as some people reach their early 40s. Biologically this is your last chance to have kids (if it hasn't already passed) and your brain knows it and we are wired to have kids, (even if you don't want to). So the desire might increase as this is the last chance to share your genes.
This is a good point about how emotions could affect libido--as you said women had a lot of things to be warned of/worried about.

I'm going to speculate about some of the weird psychological and emotional things that affect it:

I never felt that inherent risk was lowering libido, but I do see women who have their libido affected by the level of support they feel in a relationship.

A friend used to have conflicts with her b/f because he'd want to do things like get blow jobs and she just wouldn't want it--and for her it felt like she was tired all day at work and then come home and he'd not have cleaned the house...then she'd have to clean the house while he played video games. And she just didn't feel supported in some emotional way--she wanted him to help make sure everything was done, but he was tired from working all day too and wanted a bj (which he didn't get) lol

But I think this is common for women to say they just want help taking care of the baby etc.

I felt this sort of primitive anxiety about men being attacker vs. protector--like if I feel a partner isn't acting in a protective but threatening way, my libido shuts down. Because I suppose there is just this sort of primitive cave-man aspect to my psychology (or maybe I just read too much Clan of the Cave Bear novels) but I feel like a relationship must be a unit that works together for survival--mutually supporting, protecting, not harming the individuals within it...and I actually get this sort of flashback imagery in my head about previous times, like thousands of years ago, and how difficult survival was--so I feel like "you are threatening my survival by being a bitch to me right now instead of trying to work together to solve problems" (I wouldn't say it, but on retrospect that's what I felt) then it feels like something is deeply wrong. Maybe that's some Sp instinct or something, idk. But it's like this primitive instinctual feeling to me.

My libido is much lower when I do not feel safe--though I might still try to force myself to relax etc. when single.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Because I suppose there is just this sort of primitive cave-man aspect to my psychology (or maybe I just read too much Clan of the Cave Bear novels) but I feel like a relationship must be a unit that works together for survival--mutually supporting, protecting, not harming the individuals within it...
This is actually a pretty interesting observation. Years ago my fiancee said she felt like that if we were stranded in a jungle we'd be able to work together to survive and find our way out. (I have very few survival skills, LOL, but that's what she said.) So your observation about you being turned on by being part of a unit seems to be a shared phenomenon. She also mentioned a few times that getting help around the house was also a big turn on (presumably the teamwork thing again.)

As for me, I'll try to relax with what seemed like an overpowered libido. And it's tough for me to just be with it. Some lessons take a lifetime to unlearn. @ENFPathetic I'd also mention that for a long time I was on medication that suppressed most of my libido. At the time this seemed like a relief, but was merely avoiding the problem. Feeling desire still makes me uncomfortable (especially when it's very strong), but I'm slowly getting used to it. And @ESFJMouse I'm quite a bit past my early 40s. Which is also part of the reason I'm surprised by the sudden flood of lust...
 

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There is nothing wrong with you.
All people are diffetent.
I am worried about those who never wanna do it lol.
 

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This is actually a pretty interesting observation. Years ago my fiancee said she felt like that if we were stranded in a jungle we'd be able to work together to survive and find our way out. (I have very few survival skills, LOL, but that's what she said.) So your observation about you being turned on by being part of a unit seems to be a shared phenomenon. She also mentioned a few times that getting help around the house was also a big turn on (presumably the teamwork thing again.)

As for me, I'll try to relax with what seemed like an overpowered libido. And it's tough for me to just be with it. Some lessons take a lifetime to unlearn. @ENFPathetic I'd also mention that for a long time I was on medication that suppressed most of my libido. At the time this seemed like a relief, but was merely avoiding the problem. Feeling desire still makes me uncomfortable (especially when it's very strong), but I'm slowly getting used to it. And @ESFJMouse I'm quite a bit past my early 40s. Which is also part of the reason I'm surprised by the sudden flood of lust...
Maybe there is something affecting your hormone levels--even something you are eating. But it doesn't sound like a bad thing unless it's disrupting your life.

But yeah...I never had the direct connection between housework and libido, and I think it's in part because unlike many women I really don't care about housework on a personal level, aside from knowing I'm supposed to do it (supposedly...usually there is an assumption in a relationship that women are the domestic ones).

So I always felt sorry for the men in those stories because lol housework sucks. But many women not only internalized the responsibility of housework to such a deep degree that it's almost existential? Maybe? But they also seem to actually care about the house looking nice.

I will spend time organizing and don't want my precious things to break (or lose my art supplies etc.) but it's not a source of pride or a feeling of femininity to me to clean/organize/decorate the house.

So...maybe also the concept of masculine/feminine, that for some women when they see the failure to live up to the domestic ideals (baby happy, house clean etc.) they feel unattractive. But because men and women generally both work now, women struggle with the burden of full time work, and also the majority of childcare and domestic work. So it tires them out and it never gets done.

I guess for me a sense of feminine comes more from being able to have a date etc--dress up for a dinner or something like that. I really don't care if the house is a mess but I would like to find shortcuts to keep the thing operating well just for convenience. But my pride and image isn't really tied into it the way it is for some women. I would much rather be out gold-mining with their husbands or doing the "silly" hobbies men do--according to some more domestically oriented women.

But maybe that's also why there is that primitive sense of survival--like with your fiance, that it takes more of an adventuring form or something. I also used to backpack a lot with my ex and sometimes he would get into fights in the back country, which was horrible--I remember once I had to walk all the way back down a mountain and got lost...we're talking back in the wilderness and high elevation, and no towns nearby etc. I think it sort of shocked me how stupid and emotional he could become, as to me I consider love more close to "I will never hurt you, put you in danger etc." I do have some survival skills but I am also aware that there are many hazards in the mountains and throwing a fit about something stupid endangers us.

But I had to walk down a mountain, thousands of feet elevation, ALONE because he was angry at me over some emotional thing, like he was jealous of me talking to his friend (who I was never interested in in the slightest ew...about his friend's girlfriend) and I had to walk back alone and got lost and didn't get back till after dark. And this was the wilderness...I mean I roughly could have walked to the highway and hoped to see someone, but it makes me mad that he would put his own petty emotions above safety. So that's probably partly where it comes from. I don't like men who don't care about protecting others--I constantly think of others and their safety, whether it's children or other women or men too. I expect to be considered as well.
 

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By the way, sex drive is to some large degree dependent on testosterone and the amount are supposedly related.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
@WickerDeer I'm more of a homebody than the adventurous type, which makes her remark all the more surprising. I'm struggling a bit to remember the reason she gave for housework being a turn on, but I think she said something along the lines of it felt like she wasn't having to cope alone with housework. I should note that because she was disabled, she stayed at home while I worked. While that sounds very traditional, it wasn't what she would've chosen had she been well.

And yes, that sounds very immature (and reckless as hell) of your ex to force you to wander alone in the wilderness.

@Electra My last girlfriend claimed she could actually smell testosterone. While I'm somewhat doubtful of her claim, she said I reeked of it. Which is a bit odd if true, since I'm hardly the hyper-masculine Fight Club/Rambo type.
 

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By the way, sex drive is to some large degree dependent on testosterone and the amount are supposedly related.
Yes but how much testosterone varies by biological sex. Female bodies are more efficient at processing testosterone so the end result can be similar, relative to male bodies. Testosterone is measured by different ranges for normal, within males and females, where the male range is something like 10-15 times greater.
 

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@WickerDeer I'm more of a homebody than the adventurous type, which makes her remark all the more surprising. I'm struggling a bit to remember the reason she gave for housework being a turn on, but I think she said something along the lines of it felt like she wasn't having to cope alone with housework. I should note that because she was disabled, she stayed at home while I worked. While that sounds very traditional, it wasn't what she would've chosen had she been well.

And yes, that sounds very immature (and reckless as hell) of your ex to force you to wander alone in the wilderness.

@Electra My last girlfriend claimed she could actually smell testosterone. While I'm somewhat doubtful of her claim, she said I reeked of it. Which is a bit odd if true, since I'm hardly the hyper-masculine Fight Club/Rambo type.
I don't know, a man smells man, not sure about the testosterone smell, maybe unconciously
 
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Yes but how much testosterone varies by biological sex. Female bodies are more efficient at processing testosterone so the end result can be similar, relative to male bodies. Testosterone is measured by different ranges for normal, within males and females, where the male range is something like 10-15 times greater.
I didn't know that...
 

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After a lifetime of sexual repression (mostly self imposed) I'm afraid I'm becoming unhinged. These days when I'm in a relationship, I want sex at least once a day, sometimes twice. And even when I'm not, I still want it that frequently, though of course we're talking self-service. This seems rather excessive. Can years of repression have a boomerang effect? It also seems a bit surprising that I'm even capable of doing it that often...
What's normal? Everyone is different. It sounds like you might be making up for lost time. When one is in an intimate relationship, there's a bit of a rhythm that takes shape after a while. At first, you'll be like rabbits whenever you can, but after a while, you find a comfortable groove with it. so there's no real number one can put to it. Everyday life intrudes and opportunities don't always present themselves like they once did, so eventually, you sort of have to switch from quantity, to quality. So don't be hard on yourself here. Just go with the flow and do what feels right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
@tanstaafl28 That's the difficult part. I'm used to putting myself down - hard - for having lustful thoughts. But turning this battleship around is going to take time and effort. As will be trying to navigate the dating scene, something I have very little experience with. It's hard not to fall into those old thought patterns, but I'm doing what I can.
 
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