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Discussion Starter #1
The reason I'm asking this question is because of a recent unfortunate fallout I've had with my best friend that happened some time ago. A long time ago, I introduced her to MBTI and got her to take the test. She came out as an INFP at first, but then the second time she decided to take it, she came out as an INFJ. She must have connected way more with the INFJ text, and seemed to strongly believe she was one.

While I'm not saying she's not an INFJ, something about her personality really confused me, and acted completely contrary to how an INFJ would usually behave.

I don't want to make this thread just about talking her down, but my entire friendship/relationship (yes, we were dating at the time) with her completely emotionally drained me. She felt very controlling and I had to be online Every. Second. of the Day. I convinced myself that I was just more introverted than most because of the way I was raised, but it seemed every time I was around her, I would just get constant headaches and yearn for the other friendships I had with my other friends. :sad:

She seemed to hold grudges a lot and if you so much as hurt someone or her in any way possible, even if it was a mistake, she wouldn't be forgiving at all- not that I blame her- and thrived on gossip as well as drama, but her reasons for it were mainly, "I mean well". In general, she was a very strongly opinionated and rather .. blunt? But in a judgemental sort of way? :bored: It honestly made me very unhappy, every time I was around her, because she was always wanting this or that. And I mean she expected me to write with her every minute of the day.

Anyway, I'm sorry this got rather rantish, just something I needed to get off my chest. Now I have to ask you guys, have you ever heard any INFJ like this/relate to any of this in particular? Does this sound like an unhealthy INFJ to you? Or do you think there's a possibly she might not be an INFJ at all?

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to hearing your responses! :proud:
 

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I think unhealthy INFJs come two ways -

One is in Se grip... it is possible in this state, if it has lasted for a long enough time, for it to come with a dose of selfish uncaring (as Dr. AJ Drenth says the grip experience in any of the types causes emotional problems like distancing, anger, volatility, ect) ...
So this sort of unhealthy INFJ may treat others as a commodity for experience seeking, even if they continue to appear nice on the surface they won't be willing to invest in anyone and will have too many friends/aquantances they jump between in order to extract the most out of everyone.

The other type of unhealthy INFJ is when handicapping Se for a long period (Drenth uses the term "handicap" to describe a refusal to use the function at all and pretending to themselves that it doesn't exist), and eventually the retreat from the world becomes so eclipsing that they feel very apathetic and deeply antisocial all of the time.


Both grip experiences and handicapping are bound to happen in everyone as part of the development process, but excessive length of time spent in those states is indicative of a truly unhealthy mindset often caused by psychological trauma.

Your friend kind of sounds INFP'ish based on how you describe it, where you functioned as the positive charge to her negative draw, which can happen sometimes with Fe vs Fi when either one is unhealthy (if Fe overgives or Fi overtakes).
 

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You should do without the need to label as unhealthy what doesn't suit your personality, maybe? (
You and her had diverging needs, and were not well paired, that's it.

She sounds like an affection-thirsty INFP, not an INFJ.

Your friend kind of sounds INFP'ish based on how you describe it, where you functioned as the positive charge to her negative draw, which can happen sometimes with Fe vs Fi when either one is unhealthy (if Fe overgives or Fi overtakes).
Fi takes and gives a lot, Fe takes and gives a little. There's no difference that can be pictured as giving-vs-taking — although some may enjoy imagining it to be there.
 

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Yes, she's an immature INFJ.

Sadly, I was like that at one time early in life (early adolescence).

It comes from inexperience with people, insecurity, and lack of using the talent for multi-perspective at which INFJs are so skilled in due course.

Yes, in her heart, she does mean well. But she's all messed up. Experience with patient, understanding people will help her grow, hopefully without collateral damage to the patient, understanding people.

The INFJ/ENFP relationship is potentially the most wonderful thing on earth. I hope knowing it's not you helps you through her crisis-period. In one way, be there for her, but establish firm, very firm, limits, and don't hesitate to be straightforward with her and say, if you need to, "I'm sorry, I'm just unable to give you all you want." That may jolt her into re-assessing her ways. If not, just run, and wait for the storm to pass. It will. Eventually.
 

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I've been an unhealthy INFJ for a few years and this kind of behaviour would have been unthinkable. I got clingy, irritable and risk-taking, but never controlling. The closest I came to that was when my cheating girlfriend (at the time) insisted that we would still have a relationship. I reasoned that the only way for that to happen would be if she would never see the other guy again. My ultimatum was that we could only have a relationship if she made an effort never to be in the same room with him ever again.
Obviously it didn't work out, but that's basically the most controlling thing I could have done in any situation. Having her make a promise without any means of enforcing it other than blind trust.
I can't imagine her being INFJ and behaving like that.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I think unhealthy INFJs come two ways -

One is in Se grip... it is possible in this state, if it has lasted for a long enough time, for it to come with a dose of selfish uncaring (as Dr. AJ Drenth says the grip experience in any of the types causes emotional problems like distancing, anger, volatility, ect) ...
So this sort of unhealthy INFJ may treat others as a commodity for experience seeking, even if they continue to appear nice on the surface they won't be willing to invest in anyone and will have too many friends/aquantances they jump between in order to extract the most out of everyone.

The other type of unhealthy INFJ is when handicapping Se for a long period (Drenth uses the term "handicap" to describe a refusal to use the function at all and pretending to themselves that it doesn't exist), and eventually the retreat from the world becomes so eclipsing that they feel very apathetic and deeply antisocial all of the time.


Both grip experiences and handicapping are bound to happen in everyone as part of the development process, but excessive length of time spent in those states is indicative of a truly unhealthy mindset often caused by psychological trauma.

Your friend kind of sounds INFP'ish based on how you describe it, where you functioned as the positive charge to her negative draw, which can happen sometimes with Fe vs Fi when either one is unhealthy (if Fe overgives or Fi overtakes).
I'm not really sure, the Se grip actually seems pretty fitting for her. I was an entertainment source for her, if you will. Though I don't really know? She seemed to be more thriving on the fact that INFJs had strong intuition and were rare, and that was about it for her. And while, yeah, that's pretty cool, it goes completely beyond that and they are more than just a rare intuitive personality type. 😅

You should do without the need to label as unhealthy what doesn't suit your personality, maybe? (
You and her had diverging needs, and were not well paired, that's it.
Maybe I shouldn't have labelled it that way, but the reason I'm wondering about this is because of her past experiences. She's been hurt by people before, so I wondered if that had anything to do with it.

Yes, she's an immature INFJ.

Sadly, I was like that at one time early in life (early adolescence).

It comes from inexperience with people, insecurity, and lack of using the talent for multi-perspective at which INFJs are so skilled in due course.

Yes, in her heart, she does mean well. But she's all messed up. Experience with patient, understanding people will help her grow, hopefully without collateral damage to the patient, understanding people.

The INFJ/ENFP relationship is potentially the most wonderful thing on earth. I hope knowing it's not you helps you through her crisis-period. In one way, be there for her, but establish firm, very firm, limits, and don't hesitate to be straightforward with her and say, if you need to, "I'm sorry, I'm just unable to give you all you want." That may jolt her into re-assessing her ways. If not, just run, and wait for the storm to pass. It will. Eventually.
It makes me really happy to know it's not just me! ☺ Sadly, I think the friendship has already been severed too far. :sad: I've been friends with her for years, and out of nowhere, she completely disappeared, closed off social connection and turned two friends against me. There was a point where she got into a friend's account and made it seem like she blocked me, too. I don't feel like I could trust her again, and I feel terrible saying this, but I was admittedly a bit scared of her and what she could do.

Oops, I rambled a bit 😅

On a more positive note, I have an INFJ friend who acts completely contrary to what I had with my old bestie. We both understand each other and we both have the same morals that we will always stand strongly by. ☺

I've been an unhealthy INFJ for a few years and this kind of behaviour would have been unthinkable. I got clingy, irritable and risk-taking, but never controlling. The closest I came to that was when my cheating girlfriend (at the time) insisted that we would still have a relationship. I reasoned that the only way for that to happen would be if she would never see the other guy again. My ultimatum was that we could only have a relationship if she made an effort never to be in the same room with him ever again.
Obviously it didn't work out, but that's basically the most controlling thing I could have done in any situation. Having her make a promise without any means of enforcing it other than blind trust.
I can't imagine her being INFJ and behaving like that.
I don't even think what you did was controlling-- it sounds very reasonable and fair. Other than that though, I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one who thinks so.
 

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Though I can't speak with 100% accurancy, I believe I can be considered half-healthy or rather half-unhealthy. Also I am quite new to the MBTI stuff, so my opinion might not be on the spot.

I believe that the case with INFs is that at some point of their life they get lonely, to the point where they basically isolate themselves and lose touch with the world. They perfectly know this, and are aware that this is going to hurt them a lot. What I think is the case with your friend, is that she seems to try to escape the loneliness. Those people I'm talking about are so afraid of this loneliness, that they are ready to go to certain extremes to feel present and content. Your friend appears to be very fond you.

Those grudges, her being opinionated, I believe it's a result of her being hurt. Maybe as a child, she was a very kindhearted person, but after getting hurt she might have taken a different path.
 

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Though I can't speak with 100% accurancy, I believe I can be considered half-healthy or rather half-unhealthy. Also I am quite new to the MBTI stuff, so my opinion might not be on the spot.

I believe that the case with INFs is that at some point of their life they get lonely, to the point where they basically isolate themselves and lose touch with the world. They perfectly know this, and know that this is going to hurt them a lot. What I think is the case with your friend, is that she seems to try to escape the loneliness. Those people I'm talking about are so afraid of this loneliness, that they are ready to go to certain extremes to feel present and content. Your friend appears to be very fond you.

Those grudges, her being opinionated, I believe it's a result of her being hurt. Maybe as a child, she was a very kindhearted person, but after getting hurt she might have taken a different path.
Yes, that's extremely insightful.

With a world of feelings and affection to bestow, for one reason or another they are neglected and lonely, become afraid that the friends they might manage to make might slip away, and so do the worst possible thing: Become controlling, which in their minds ironically equals "protecting the friendship," become scared and defensive, succumb to desperation, and oh it's just terrible. Lonely young INFJs who chance to be reading this: Learn to disengage, learn to get outside yourself and see it from others' perspectives, cool it and show the world the lovable person you really are.
 

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Hmm, the grudge holding does sound a lot like unhealthy INFJ behavior (don't ask me how I know that, it's safer that way,) but I'm not sure if there's enough info to type her very well at all based on what you've said. But that's not really the point, as I can say for certain that she's acting immature and selfish. It could be immature Fi acting out, wanting to show how "right" she always is, which might place her as an ISFP or INFP (I've known some unhealthy ISFPs in my day, and ooh boy, they're a handful; DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying ISFPs are all a handful, or that they're unhealthy, just that I've known several ISFPs, and they were, as individuals, unhealthy emotionally; I digress.) Yet if her behavior is truly unhealthy, you're going to have a hell of a time getting a decent read on her. I don't want to cast aspersions on someone, let alone when they can't defend themselves, but what you've described sounds like the sort of person who is just chronically unhappy and doesn't realize the impact they're having on everyone around them. Sorry for that.

Anyway, as for an example of an unhealthy INFJ? As I only really know one (myself) I can try to give info in an academic sense at best. Firstly, inferior Se gets a lot of blame for bad behaviors in INFJs, but at best it's the source of the "impulse" to act. That is, in my own case, when someone does something that angers me and I suddenly see how easy and wonderfully fulfilling it would be for me to casually pick them up and hurl them through a wall. But oftentimes when I'm unbalanced, tertiary Ti likes to jump in and compile ready lists of reasons why the person, their plan, their face, their mother, their dog, their whatever, sucks. And Se loves to tell me to let people in on my "flawless logic" of their stupidity.

Now luckily, I don't give in to those temptations much (I mean I'm only human, sometimes you have to put someone through that wall while describing why their failure to use black pepper is why their cream sauces suck). But they're there, always whispering in the back of my mind. Well, Se doesn't whisper like Ti does. Se is more like when the wind comes up and suddenly your hair is blowing around. Ti feels a lot closer to the everyday, in my experience.

So where were we? Ah, point number two. Fe gets a lot of hype for wanting to be harmonious and all that, but Fe can be a straight up gangster if it wants to, especially when slaved to an angry Ni. In my head, I notice all these little things that get filed away (probably for Ti to organize into its lists) of how I could hurt someone. Like that thing about the sauces? That's real. Someone I know struggles when they try to make stuff like that, and I know they take pride in their abilities otherwise. Now, I could very easily say or even casually mention that to them in the right circumstance, layered in a veneer of false caring, if I wanted to injure them. Maybe do it in front of someone close to them, to add the bit of group shame to the mix. I'd make sure that I had ran the scenario several times in my mind to make sure that, should I pull the pin on that plan, maximum damage would be achieved. Because words hurt, but the negative opinion of someone kind (or a friend/family member) cuts deeper than anyone ever realizes at the time. You can mess a person up real good with a well placed social critique. Again, don't ask me how I know that. I'm only human, after all.

Anyway, I've rambled and probably spooked quite a few people. My point is, I suppose, an unhealthy INFJ is like a pit viper. It might not look the most threatening thing you've ever seen, but it can bring you pain that lasts a very long time. In respect to your friend, she's probably most likely showing either immaturity and/or stress in her behavior. Don't let someone toxic hold you back. No one deserves to endure that sort of thing, no matter how much you may think you're helping them. Once again, don't ask me how I know that.
 

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This thread has me curious; why you would resort to labeling someone unhealthy. You sound unsure if the person has identified their MBTI correctly, they cut off contact, which leads me to believe something you did or how you are is intrusive to them, yet you are still ruminating over them? It seems like, and I could be wrong on this, you are still upset they doorslammed and you want to remain the victim, as your content of the o.p. focuses on the negative aspects of the person. If you really wish to heal the relationship, I would take a look at two things: how you can better YOURSELF as a person, and how you played a part in what went wrong. Stop focusing on the INFJ and get in touch with yourself.
 

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I think it's normal to have some negative experiences sometimes.
1. Being close can be draining as it takes energy. So draining is good. It's a sign of closeness. Closeness is what people yearn for.
2. Controlling is good because that means that someone cares for you. Again closeness.
3. Strong opinions and coming across as judgmental is also normal. It's a sign of yearning for justice and having purpose in life. Again, what people yearn for.

Alot of times people are attracted by certain INFJ qualities and then when they get closer it feels too intense, but those were the same qualities that they liked in the first place. I would suggest just to endure the down times and stick it out. Sounds completely normal to me. Nothing and noone is perfect.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thanks for all your advice, guys :) I don't think I'd be able to go back to her, though. She crossed a few boundaries, and I honestly feel happier now that I've got a chance to move on.

Or maybe that's just me.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
This thread has me curious; why you would resort to labeling someone unhealthy. You sound unsure if the person has identified their MBTI correctly, they cut off contact, which leads me to believe something you did or how you are is intrusive to them, yet you are still ruminating over them? It seems like, and I could be wrong on this, you are still upset they doorslammed and you want to remain the victim, as your content of the o.p. focuses on the negative aspects of the person. If you really wish to heal the relationship, I would take a look at two things: how you can better YOURSELF as a person, and how you played a part in what went wrong. Stop focusing on the INFJ and get in touch with yourself.
Yeah, I'll admit, this thread was really more of just asking for reassurance and venting more than anything. And I may be wrong, but, I think you may have misunderstood my post and where I'm coming from. I don't really want to "act like the victim", and I'm not upset that they doorslammed me. I was upset she turned some close friends of mine against me and now they think I'm a "liar". What?? Hell, she broke into a friend's account and blocked me on there, in what appeared to be a way to try and get at me. Then proceeded to subpost about me and claimed that I had backstabbed her. :rolleyes: I probably sound childish, and if I do I'm sorry, but from the way I see it, there is nothing that could have upset her otherwise I would have known and immediately apologised for it. I'm just confused more than anything because this, like I said, was out of the blue. :unsure:

I'm sure people have a different perspective than I do and would have handled this situation in a better way than I ever could, but if there's anything I dislike, it's pettiness and trying to 'get back' at someone without even much of a reason as of why. I get that she may have been extremely insecure and hurt in the past, and she had her own faults I'm sure, but when you start hurting other people and thrive on the drama that comes with it, then that's when I draw a line.

However, I do agree with your perspective. I honestly can say that I usually always feel strong regret if someone's decided to break off contact with me. But with how our relationship progressed so far, I think I'm happy to just move on and forget about it all. :proud:
 

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Paralyzed in place, confident to the point of self destruction and like any other person resentful of life.
 
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