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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I just came back from an awesome party/get together with my ENTP friend. We have been on and off friends for about 4 going on 5 years but I personally feel as an INFP that we have never been exceptionally close. Through our relationship he has disclosed to me that he feels that we are friends, I personally hold that term to a much higher standard then he does I feel (friends to me are people who constantly keep in contact and who share intimate information with eachother and I don't feel we ever really got past the initial stages of our friendship). That being said during our night out tonight he went threw great pains to express that he greatly cared about my friendship, even reminescing on past events and showcasing our relationship to his other friends he interacts with on a more daily basis. Out of his current crop of friends I am one of only two who have endured consistently threw his college career. I am one of only two who can say they have known him for his entire time at college. Yet I still feel only at arms length from him and don't really feel that close to him, is that a common occurrence with you guys or is he an anomaly?

I think we have had pretty strong ties initially, we both got along well during my early years in college and we have hung out more then a handful of times but whenever I try to contact him or engage with him (mostly threw text) our conversations are static at best. Yet once in the blue moon we interact with eachother and it seems as if no time has passed by in our friendship and connection - we seem like very close friends who have not met with each other in a long time.

He always seems to give me mixed signals, when he is there he is really there. Yet when he isn't it's like he and I don't even exist in the same world together. I guess what I am asking is do I mean anything to him as a friend? He seems to say he loves everyone whenever he is around a lot of people. He loves everyone he is around and talks everyone up but then he doesn't follow threw with those words of true friendship outside of those occasions when I am in front of his face. We don't seem to have too much in common. We both like to drink and we can both drink a ton but that seems to be where most of our interactions come from.

He was there for me when I was in the hospital and he was cracking jokes and made me feel very at ease during my surgery (during an accident that happened during one of our first meets) so I do feel he cares somewhat for me but why is he so cold/dejected/absent at other times? I think I just need to know if this relationship is one that has meaning to him even at some deeper level as we are both approaching graduation soon and I need to know if this is a friendship that means as much to him as it does to me. I know he once told me that he felt I was too involved in trying to be his friend at one point during our early relationship (year 1) which is why he pushed away from me, but since that point it seems that he has been much more receptive to me. He often seems very excited to see me and seeks me out in social situations even when I am speaking to others. I can give more information but I am just hoping to get some feedback from fellow ENTP's at this point. Am I just a toy that he likes to play with sometimes or am I truly a real friend to him that has worth outside of the college playground?
 

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So I just came back from an awesome party/get together with my ENTP friend. We have been on and off friends for about a 4 going on 5 years but I personally feel as an INFP that we have never been exceptionally close. Through our relationship he has disclosed to me that he feels that we are friends, I personally hold that term to a much higher standard then he does I feel (friends to me are people who constantly keep in contact and who share intimate information with eachother and I don't feel we ever really got past the initial stages of our friendship). That being said during our night out tonight he went threw great pains to express that he greatly cared about my friendship, even reminescing on past events and showcasing our relationship to his other friends he interacts with on a more daily basis. Out of his current crop of friends I am one of only two who have endured consistently threw his college career. I am one of only two who can say they have known him for his entire time at college. Yet I still feel only at arms length from him and don't really feel that close to him, is that a common occurrence with you guys or is he an anomaly?

I think we have had pretty strong ties initially, we both got along well during my early years in college and we have hung out more then a handful of times but whenever I try to contact him or engage with him (mostly threw text) our conversations are static at best. Yet once in the blue moon we interact with eachother and it seems as if no time has passed by in our friendship and connection - we seem like very close friends who have not met with each other in a long time.

He always seems to give me mixed signals, when he is there he is really there. Yet when he isn't it's like he and I don't even exist in the same world together. I guess what I am asking is do I mean anything to him as a friend? He seems to say he loves everyone whenever he is around a lot of people. He loves everyone he is around and talks everyone up but then he doesn't follow threw with those words of true friendship outside of those occasions when I am in front of his face. We don't seem to have too much in common. We both like to drink and we can both drink a ton but that seems to be where most of our interactions come from.

He was there for me when I was in the hospital and he was cracking jokes and made me feel very at ease during my surgery (during an accident that happened during one of our first meets) so I do feel he cares somewhat for me but why is he so cold/dejected/absent at other times? I think I just need to know if this relationship is one that has meaning to him even at some deeper level as we are both approaching graduation soon and I need to know if this is a friendship that means as much to him as it does to me. I know he once told me that he felt I was too involved in trying to be his friend at one point during our early relationship (year 1) which is why he pushed away from me, but since that point it seems that he has been much more receptive to me. He often seems very excited to see me and seeks me out in social situations even when I am speaking to others. I can give more information but I am just hoping to get some feedback from fellow ENTP's at this point. Am I just a toy that he likes to play with sometimes or am I truly a real friend to him that has worth outside of the college playground?
ENTP's don't seem to need constant contact OR intimate knowledge in order to call someone a real friend .... they just need to decide that that's what you are. We have our own methods outside of those standards that determine if you are or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
ENTP's don't seem to need constant contact OR intimate knowledge in order to call someone a real friend .... they just need to decide that that's what you are. We have our own methods outside of those standards that determine if you are or not.
Would you mind disclosing a bit of what those standards are? I'm just simply curious and want to see if those attachments have been made. Maybe I am overthinking our relationship a bit but I do kind of feel insecure about this relationship in particular. I value him a lot and he is probably one of seven people in my life I met through college that I would strongly consider keeping ties with. I just want to know that my feelings/attachments are not in vain. I know people are all different but I think just being aware in general of your values/thought processes could help me. I know I am at a loss in personally trying to think like him much to my chagrin and disadvantage. :(
 

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@Arrow I'll try to work up a reply for you tomo while I'm goofing off at work. I gotta head to bed for now though because I have to get up in 4 hours.
 
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Okay gonna start with a copy and paste of a reply I did in a diff thread. It'll shed some generic light on things. If you want me to get more specific though I'll need to know if we're talking about a regular friendship or a romantic relationship here because that fact is a game-changer.

I'd say some of the reason we don't always know dumb details about our friend though may be because we don't care if we know or not. Those details (or I think you called it "not knowing them very well") aren't really required for us to place you into a position on our social ladder. I don't care where you work, I don't care what you do, I don't care about your friends and family .... what I care about is that your eyes dart around the room almost as fast as mine do, that when that girl behind you almost spilled her drink you were halfway to catching it before anyone else even noticed what was happening, that you can't keep a stable speech pattern because your brain is to disorganized, that you have a slight tick in your right eye when we talked about living with your parents, and that your hand shakes a bit when you want to change the subject. Any of those other "normal" things that people want to know about other people are just bonus material that will come out eventually, but non of it REALLY matters unless it's relevant to a current situation.

So it's not that we don't know anything about them. It's that we know DIFFERENT things about them. It doesn't make them any less our friends.
 

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Would you mind disclosing a bit of what those standards are? I'm just simply curious and want to see if those attachments have been made. Maybe I am overthinking our relationship a bit but I do kind of feel insecure about this relationship in particular. I value him a lot and he is probably one of seven people in my life I met through college that I would strongly consider keeping ties with. I just want to know that my feelings/attachments are not in vain. I know people are all different but I think just being aware in general of your values/thought processes could help me. I know I am at a loss in personally trying to think like him much to my chagrin and disadvantage. :(
I think the standards are not really important. I think what's important is that he kept coming back to you over the course of your college career. He is dedicated to you, but your definition of dedication is probably different. I can personally go a long time without talking to someone I consider a close friend and still remain dedicated in our friendship. I can be there when they need me, I will remember times together with happiness, and eventually I will think, "Wow, it's been a long time since I hung out with so-and-so. I should call him/her." I don't do that with people I am lukewarm about or dislike.

What an ENTP's standards are differ from person-to-person, but there is a pattern of similar behavior towards friends. Ultimately, the one criteria among all types and people is whether or not an ENTP likes someone enough to call them friend.
 

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So I just came back from an awesome party/get together with my ENTP friend. We have been on and off friends for about 4, going on 5 years, but I personally feel as an INFP that we have never been exceptionally close. Through our relationship he has disclosed to me that he feels that we are friends. However, I personally hold that term to a much higher standard then he does I feel (friends to me are people who constantly keep in contact and who share intimate information with each other and I don't feel we ever really got past the initial stages of our friendship). That being said during our night out tonight he went through great pains to express that he greatly cared about my friendship, even reminescing on past events and showcasing our relationship to his other friends, whom he interacts with on a more daily basis. Out of his current crop of friends, I am one of only two who have endured consistently through his college career. I am one of only two who can say they have known him for his entire time at college. Yet I still feel only at arms length from him and don't really feel that close to him; is that a common occurrence with you guys or is he an anomaly?

I think we have had pretty strong ties initially; we both got along well during my early years in college and we have hung out more then a handful of times but whenever I try to contact him or engage with him (mostly through text), our conversations were static at best. Yet once in a blue moon, we interacted with eachother and it seemed as if no time has passed by in our friendship and connection - we seemed like very close friends who have not met with each other in a long time.

He always seems to give me mixed signals; when he is there he is really there. Yet when he isn't it's like he and I don't even exist in the same world together. I guess what I am asking is - do I mean anything to him as a friend? He seems to say he loves everyone whenever he is around a lot of people. He loves everyone he is around and talks everyone up but then he doesn't follow through with those words of true friendship outside of those occasions when I am in front of his face. We don't seem to have too much in common. We both like to drink and we can both drink a ton but that seems to be where most of our interactions come from.

He was there for me when I was in the hospital and he was cracking jokes and made me feel very at ease during my surgery (during an accident that happened during one of our first meets) so I do feel he cares somewhat for me but why is he so cold/dejected/absent at other times? I think I just need to know if this relationship is one that has meaning to him even at some deeper level as we are both approaching graduation soon and I need to know if this is a friendship that means as much to him as it does to me. I know he once told me that he felt I was too involved in trying to be his friend at one point during our early relationship (year 1) which is why he pushed away from me, but since that point it seems that he has been much more receptive to me. He often seems very excited to see me and seeks me out in social situations even when I am speaking to others. I can give more information but I am just hoping to get some feedback from fellow ENTP's at this point. Am I just a toy that he likes to play with sometimes or am I truly a real friend to him that has worth outside of the college playground?

First, some grammar/convention corrections. Maybe there are more errors, but I can't be bothered to keep reading.

Second, are you gay?

Third, you really shouldn't be so worked up. My best friend is an ENTP, and he is notorious for disappearing for long periods of times. They are quite strange for being dominant extroverts, are they not?

It actually works out brilliantly, because INTPs are also keen to disappear for no reason at all.

The world would be a better place if one would stop questioning why we disappear, don't you think?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
First, some grammar/convention corrections. Maybe there are more errors, but I can't be bothered to keep reading.
This isn't an excuse but I was drunk when I wrote this, if you can see from the time posted it was 2 am. That being said I may very well commit those errors while sober. I apologize if those grammatical errors caused your eyes to hurt. Believe me that was not my intention.

Second, are you gay?
I'm overly preoccupied with my friendships. Those which have lasted a substantial amount of time mean that much more to me. Looking back on it now I think I was a bit trigger happy and might have been a bit dramatic in wanting an answer from like minded individuals. I wanted to know where I placed on his "food chain" so to speak. As an introvert I am fixated in my own head space when it comes to the value of my importance/roles in others lives. I value him as an intellectual mind and feel kinship with him as a person - we both love to have fun and interact with different people - so I feel there is value there in our friendship. I am not attracted to him on a physical level, nor am I looking for a romantic relationship with him as an individual. As to answering your question I believe I can be attracted to either sex if several aspects of their personality mesh well enough with my own preferences and stimulate me enough. Gender doesn't much play a factor in that for me.

My best friend is an ENTP, and he is notorious for disappearing for long periods of times. They are quite strange for being dominant extroverts, are they not?
Yeah, I get this response a lot. I think I just want more stability/regularity in our interaction. But that just might not be possible.

It actually works out brilliantly, because INTPs are also keen to disappear for no reason at all.
It's been said about INFP's and ENFP's as well.

The world would be a better place if one would stop questioning why we disappear, don't you think?
Another interesting point. My ENTP friend also hates it when I probe or ask why. He tends to like the answer it just is. Is that a commonality with you as well as an INTP? Do you not like to explain yourself or justify your reasoning in regular situations? Merely curious.
 

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I like to disappear, for numbers of reasons. Most of the time it's because I simply don't have/want to expend the energy to deal with other people. Dealing with people requires compromise. I cannot speak for ENTPs, because I am not one. I want to revel in my thoughts, let my intuition roam, and dive deeply into the abstract realm. It is only when I have exhausted myself from introspecting and self-analysis, that I will typically want to pursue external opinions on some subject I deem particularly important or interesting.

I will tell you something interesting - my ISTJ friend is incredibly annoyed with me right now, because I have been ignoring him for quite some time now. I either forget or simply don't return phone calls and text messages, and the more he probes me, the less keen I am to respond and the more annoyed I become. I don't like to explain, because feelings may get hurt. INTPs also hate conflict, so instead of giving the honest answer, we are more prone to just... not answering. I've burned several bridges in my life, not by a bang, but with a whimper. I simply chose to disappear, completely, from their lives. Selfish? Sure. However, I'd rather not deal with the repercussions that comes with "finding closure."

This may seem cold, and it probably is, but oftentimes we... rationalize our relationships, even with close friends. "Is it worth the effort to do X, Y, or Z together when the byproduct of these activities are A, B, and C?" If the conclusion seems unfavorable for whatever reason, it's very easy to decide that doing something together, hanging out, etc. is something of an illogical or sub-optimal decision.

I've stated this many times and I'll state it again - I absolutely hate compromise. If I am tired, I will not go out just to satiate someone else's need for external stimulus, unless that is a good friend and is about to kill himself/herself, or something equally extreme, such as an accident or medical emergency. I really do not make a good friend, I think - it is difficult to find people who operate similarly to myself but I have a few, thankfully, and we have been close over many years now. Perhaps we speak... a few times a week, briefly, at most (types are ENTP, ESTP, and INTJ).
 
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