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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Guys I really need your help. I am an INFJ girl and I have this shy INTP friend. Nowadays we live far away due to studies. We text occationally and he has said that he misses me, that we should hang out more and once he sent a ❤. Those are very rare things coming from him. Last weekend I was in his town and spent most of the time with him.
First night we hung out at his place just talking. Then we had dinner out. At dinner he asked why it ended with my ex who he never seemed to like and after that he told me he had given up on finding a girlfriend and that he has never had romantic feelings for anyone. He also said he has trust issues and trusts nobody. When we talked about the time we got to know each other he said ”somehow you captured me.”
After this he brought me to meet his friends for drinks. Before saying goodbye he kinda tickled my waist and we shared a long hug.

We decided to meet the next evening as well and after hanging out at his place for hours I told him I have feelings for him. He got nervous and said "I dont know what to say" and then he said he enjoys my company, that I'm easy to talk to, that I'm beautiful and funny but that he "didn't feel more than that but had been thinking about it."

Later he walked me to the bus and I said he didnt have to wait with me. He replied ”I’m happy to.” On my way to the hotel he texted me it was really nice seeing me. The next day he texted me to ask of my flight home went ok. It’s not really like him to text like that.

Now I found out from his best friend he has been talking to him about me and our talk. What does he feel for me?
 

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Without trying to be a jerk about it- I think he's thinking about it. Rationals don't immediately trust or understand their own feelings on things. He probably needs to overthink for a bit and then likely will let you know. I would just be patient. If you get weird about it or push the issue, it might scare him away.
 
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Disclaimer: could be deflecting, but this is about emotions so-

He also said he has trust issues and trusts nobody. When we talked about the time we got to know each other he said ”somehow you captured me.”
877208


He likes you.
After this he brought me to meet his friends for drinks. Before saying goodbye he kinda tickled my waist and we shared a long hug.
He likes you.
"didn't feel more than that but had been thinking about it."
He likes you.
talking to him about me and our talk.
He likes you!

Okay, just my opinion, I could be wrong - but he's so relatable! He has trust issues, so he probably doesn't know what to do next; he's probably trying to follow his "rare, surprising" feelings, which is really hard for us. Try to press him a bit, make him trust you, make him feel it's okay to feel this way, that it can be comfortable and that you can go deeper step by step.

Keep making him interested, he needs to notice he doesn't want to lose you and thus, he needs to get out of his comfort zone, because if he keeps overthinking about this, it will never stop and probably could end up by sabotaging your relationship and pushing you away. If I'm right, he's scared, he wants to try, but he's scared.
 
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INTP has inferior Fe. Fe is in my understanding "being receptive to emotional energy." This is why you as an INFJ are so drawn to anyone who is being emotional. You have Fe in your secondary function.

Since INTP has inferior Fe, the inferior function is the thing "people don't like doing usually." This means INTP actively don't really enjoy receiving emotion.

As an INFJ, you actively don't like receiving Se - sensory experience that distracts or annoys you. You like calm, peaceful, nothing too fancy, nothing out of place, nothing too flashy.

So an INTP with inferior Fe is going to respond to receiving your emotion in a very thinking-oriented way. They want to gather information about you, and then come up with an idea of how the relationship will work, before they have feelings for you.

With all this said, it's obvious he does in fact like you. But, if you go all heavy emotional on him, he will pull away. It would be the same if he showed up full of metal chains and face piercings and all sorts of 'distractions' for your Se. You just wouldn't like it. So instead, the best thing you can do is rely on your Ti, and deal with your emotions "matter of fact" style. Tell him you like him, and that's it. That's enough to get him to want to use his Ne to find out more about you and then decide with Ti if he is ready for the relationship. It seems this is the case. All you need to do is be patient and not push things, not go strong on emotion. He'll respect you actively avoiding emotion and being an equal.

One tip though. You have dominant Ni, and INTP have secondary Ne. He needs information to make his decisions. He needs to gather information. You should tell him a lot about yourself. In detail. Give him lots of data to work with. Not emotional stuff, just... what you like to eat. What your favorite color is. Any mundane data, he uses to piece together an idea of how the relationship will work. Tell him what you ate for dinner for example. Just in passing. Like, "Hey I had steak and broccoli for dinner." That's all. It might seem dumb but he will use these bits of information to build an idea of you. "Today I wore a pink shirt." Things like this build his world. Literally any data he can get about you is going to be good as long as it is factual data and nothing emotional. If you tell him you're crying and missing him and really need him, he's going to fall away.

This is, of course, all coming down to the INTP function stack and how INTP might think.

@PersonaBelle makes videos that you should find very helpful.

Here is a video on how INTP work in love. I think her videos are amazing and so accurate and should help people understand the types they are dealing with. Watch this video and more.

 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Without trying to be a jerk about it- I think he's thinking about it. Rationals don't immediately trust or understand their own feelings on things. He probably needs to overthink for a bit and then likely will let you know. I would just be patient. If you get weird about it or push the issue, it might scare him away.
Thank you! Really appreciate you input.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Disclaimer: could be deflecting, but this is about emotions so-


View attachment 877208

He likes you.

He likes you.

He likes you.

He likes you!

Okay, just my opinion, I could be wrong - but he's so relatable! He has trust issues, so he probably doesn't know what to do next; he's probably trying to follow his "rare, surprising" feelings, which is really hard for us. Try to press him a bit, make him trust you, make him feel it's okay to feel this way, that it can be comfortable and that you can go deeper step by step.

Keep making him interested, he needs to notice he doesn't want to lose you and thus, he needs to get out of his comfort zone, because if he keeps overthinking about this, it will never stop and probably could end up by sabotaging your relationship and pushing you away. If I'm right, he's scared, he wants to try, but he's scared.
Thank you very much for great explanation. A very helpful insight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
INTP has inferior Fe. Fe is in my understanding "being receptive to emotional energy." This is why you as an INFJ are so drawn to anyone who is being emotional. You have Fe in your secondary function.

Since INTP has inferior Fe, the inferior function is the thing "people don't like doing usually." This means INTP actively don't really enjoy receiving emotion.

As an INFJ, you actively don't like receiving Se - sensory experience that distracts or annoys you. You like calm, peaceful, nothing too fancy, nothing out of place, nothing too flashy.

So an INTP with inferior Fe is going to respond to receiving your emotion in a very thinking-oriented way. They want to gather information about you, and then come up with an idea of how the relationship will work, before they have feelings for you.

With all this said, it's obvious he does in fact like you. But, if you go all heavy emotional on him, he will pull away. It would be the same if he showed up full of metal chains and face piercings and all sorts of 'distractions' for your Se. You just wouldn't like it. So instead, the best thing you can do is rely on your Ti, and deal with your emotions "matter of fact" style. Tell him you like him, and that's it. That's enough to get him to want to use his Ne to find out more about you and then decide with Ti if he is ready for the relationship. It seems this is the case. All you need to do is be patient and not push things, not go strong on emotion. He'll respect you actively avoiding emotion and being an equal.

One tip though. You have dominant Ni, and INTP have secondary Ne. He needs information to make his decisions. He needs to gather information. You should tell him a lot about yourself. In detail. Give him lots of data to work with. Not emotional stuff, just... what you like to eat. What your favorite color is. Any mundane data, he uses to piece together an idea of how the relationship will work. Tell him what you ate for dinner for example. Just in passing. Like, "Hey I had steak and broccoli for dinner." That's all. It might seem dumb but he will use these bits of information to build an idea of you. "Today I wore a pink shirt." Things like this build his world. Literally any data he can get about you is going to be good as long as it is factual data and nothing emotional. If you tell him you're crying and missing him and really need him, he's going to fall away.

This is, of course, all coming down to the INTP function stack and how INTP might think.

@PersonaBelle makes videos that you should find very helpful.

Here is a video on how INTP work in love. I think her videos are amazing and so accurate and should help people understand the types they are dealing with. Watch this video and more.

Thank you for a great explanation of these functions. Also very helpful video. Will definitely check out the rest of the content.
 

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I am intp, just from reading your post, it sounds like he probably dont have feelings for you but rather feeling unsure of whether if he truly have feelings for you or not. A fear of loss or fear of making the wrong choice here maybe.

With the texting thing, probably... fear of hurting your feelings and playing nice or something.

Well, I could be very wrong here, better ask him yourself.
 

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He likes you but I suggest you to think more about this: do you really want a relationship with someone who have trust issues?

I wouldn't recommend that.

People should just solve all of their "trust" related problems before seeking a partner.

Love implies trust. At this moment, I highly doubt that he is able to love you. I highly doubt that he is even able to love himself.

Think in perspective and act accordingly.

And no. Please don't believe that you are able and want to play the saviour role.

Expect from a partner a relatively similar level of trust, love, support, self-esteem.

It feels like the gap is too big between you two.

Don't make huge compromises when it comes to relationships because life is short and there are plenty of better people for you out there.

Prioritise yourself first, because if you won't do that, nobody will. It is your responsibility to do that.

Good wisdom! I hope.
 

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Please don't believe that you are able and want to play the saviour role.
He has trust issues, he's not a murderer or suicidal?
life is short and there are plenty of better people for you out there.
I mean, sure, think about the easiness of the relationship, that's clearly going to cover it all.

@Mallona
Don't take it too far if he's not available and doesn't want to change that, I agree, you're not a therapist, but, as I see it, he's trying. Trust issues are way more common than people think, the difference is he's saying it. Don't ditch him because he had issues in the past, wtf... No, if you think that way, ditch him immediately. That's pointless.

But that's the thing, you choose what you want in a relationship. Some people come with armors, but if you, the being feeling the norepinephrine kicking in, think it's worth giving him a chance, I don't see why not. You will never find a perfect partner, we all just try to choose what challenges we want to deal with in a relationship. Even if you get the “perfect partner”, problems will develop overtime, you do work as a healer sometimes and others play the part who needs help. If you're not looking for humans with human mistakes, stay single.
 

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He has trust issues, he's not a murderer or suicidal?
She said about him that he "trusts nobody".
That implies most of the time an inability to create and maintain healthy relationships with people because trust is fundamentally necessary for that.
Trust issues affects the quality of relationships.

I mean, sure, think about the easiness of the relationship, that's clearly going to cover it all.
So you suggest that it is not a good idea to think about the easiness of the relationship?
 

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About trust issues. There are trust issues and trust issues. I see no red flag in this case, no possessivity, no shit testing, no playing weird shitty hot-cold, no aggressive paranoia, and so forth. Instead, I see a person who's willing to open up, willing to show vulnerability, and comfortable enough to try to bond with another person despite his own weaknesses. Kinda screams "CUTE!!!" and good romance potential actually.

As for what does this INTP feel for you (a.k.a the infamous "Does he love me?!!"), I'm not in his head so I won't know. He doesn't seem to know either. But as @Nannerl says, he likes you very much. Can't say if he loves you (him neither), yet he made it very clear with his verbal and non-verbal communication that he appreciates you a lot.

A little twist about his "didn't feel more than that but had been thinking about it". Some years ago, a friend of mine told me "I wonder if I love this person, how can I know?". (They weren't together yet, and she was the one who started "giving signals".) I replied "Would you wonder about if you love this person if you didn't feel hint of love for this person?". Her eyes opened up and she said "Ah, yes, it sounds so logical.". She's now dating and happily living with his person.

Feelings of love aren't always clear-cut, I myself didn't know if I loved my husband before dating him, it took me years of relationships before noticing that, ah yes, I fondly love him. I just was never "in passionate love" with him so that was confusing. So again, who knows? I think a more answerable question would be, what do you want to do?
 

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That implies most of the time an inability to create and maintain healthy relationships with people because trust is fundamentally necessary for that.
You could be jumping out like months, don't you think? They're not even dating, they're still knowing each other, she's interested, he's interested, that's it. She must think about this, sure, but when she looks a red flag. He's honest saying he doesn't trust anybody (c'mon, is that so abnormal? lol) but that she "captured him", that's kind of leaving an open door, also because they're friends already.

Sure, a relationship needs trust, but it doesn't mean trust needs to be "there" once they met. He (they) can develop it once they start going deeper (if he wants, of course, but we can't tell right now). That's literally what you always do with a human interaction: building trust, trying to be close, some issues come and you try to solve them together, etc. Yes, some people have more problems with trusting in people, but it doesn't mean they're incapable of that, just that is harder for some reason. It's her issue if she wants to deal with that or not, but not necessarily because it's a red flag, but because it's a preference. If he likes her, that's already a good sign. But we're too early to say anything else, I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
So you suggest that it is not a good idea to think about the easiness of the relationship?
It's not a good idea to think easiness is that important, simply because no relationship is easy, no human is easy. Why would you want to get involved with someone? Because you like them, right? You're always going to have obstacles, it all depends where you limit is and how much you like the other person. If you're not capable of that, why start dating in the first place?
 

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You could be jumping out like months, don't you think? They're not even dating, they're still knowing each other, she's interested, he's interested, that's it. She must think about this, sure, but when she looks a red flag. He's honest saying he doesn't trust anybody (c'mon, is that so abnormal? lol) but that she "captured him", that's kind of leaving an open door, also because they're friends already.
All the more so now at the beginning she has to pay attention to details. The small and insignificant things at the beginning, will become big and significant as she gets closer and deeper.

Being honest about something bad doesn't mean that suddenly that thing becomes more good. Also being honest when you want to establish relationships with other human beings is a pretty normal thing.

Sure, a relationship needs trust, but it doesn't mean trust needs to be "there" once they met. He (they) can develop it once they start going deeper (if he wants, of course, but we can't tell right now). That's literally what you always do with a human interaction: building trust, trying to be close, some issues come and you try to solve them together, etc.
A minimal level trust has to be there once they met. It is called decency. Of course the trust can develop FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP. But it matters a lot the neutral level of trust from where they start to build that.

It's different when the man has the foundation and you start to build the pillars and the walls together.
It's different when that man doesn't even have a foundation built.
A foundation is very important and difficult to build. It's not about the relationship between them two, it's about all his relationships with all the other people.

That's what she has to think about.
"Do I want to advance emotionally with a person who trusts nobody?" - If the answer is yes, it's ok. Go for it!
Each person has different tastes and needs. Maybe she likes people with trust issues (or maybe that person has a lot more qualities which eclipses this weakness) or maybe she's in the same situation (we don't know that, we just assume) and then they can bathe together in the comfort of a trust issues jacuzzi, feeling good together because they're accepting each other that way.

Yes, some people have more problems with trusting in people, but it doesn't mean they're incapable of that, just that is harder for some reason.
When it comes to relationships (actually that's true in every aspect of life), it doesn't matter if he is capable or incapable. What matters is what he does. And at the moment, he admitted that he trusts nobody.
It really is important why, the reason for why that happens. This will most likely reveal other abnormal things, most often. Sometimes not. That's why you have to pay attention to that.

It's not a good idea to think easiness is that important, simply because no relationship is easy, no human is easy. Why would you want to get involved with someone? Because you like them, right? You're always going to have obstacles, it all depends where you limit is and how much you like the other person. If you're not capable of that, why start dating in the first place?
It all depends on her interests.
I'm just saying this: as long as you're not very limited in terms of choices (meaning you're not on another planet with 10 men and you have to choose one of them, and it happens that the one you really like is an INTP who trusts nobody), still search and don't settle.

Now it depends on what she wants.
I started from the assumption that she would want a healthy, long-lasting relationship. She may want something completely different.
My opinion is this: that INTP is not currently capable of a healthy long-lasting relationship.
As long as she wants something else, it's perfectly ok.
 

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As much as my inner romantic would like it to be different, @impulsenine is actually spot on here.

great response.
 

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It appears he is being transparent and respectful. It does not appear like he is trying to use you for his own agenda. That is a plus. A few things I agree could be considered red flags as stated by others. Personally, I think he appears to be trusting in you somewhat with what he has divulged thus far. I think he likes you. I am not sure if it is friendship or romantically. He may need time to sort that out.

One of the BIG red flags women should pay attention to imo is if he tries to demean you/verbally attack you/others in any way. It means they do not respect you. They probably do not respect their self either. Women (previously myself included until I have learned the hard way too many times) tend to think they can help someone that has that issue. Leave that up to a professional or let them find a male mentor of good character/substance to assist them. That red flag usually escalates to other types of abuse and there is no need for anyone to become a victim/subject their self to that even if they have good intentions. That is something he would need to work out/fix before entering into a healthy relationship. Just my two cents.

Please give us an update. I am curious to see how this progresses.
 
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While I didn’t necessarily see anything “wrong” with the INTP you’re interested in, your post left me wondering whether or not he is someone you will connect well with.

If you consider yourself a “romantic” person, this individual may be difficult for you to form a mutual emotional bond with. You may find it frustrating over time as you move forward more based on your feelings and he prioritizes logic to determine the future progression of your relationship, if it becomes romantic. So, I would definitely consider what you need out of a romantic relationship, and whether or not this individual can provide it.

At the very least, I’d suggest letting him move the relationship forward, initiating most of the contact and bringing up the future. If he is not ready—or not sure enough to make that leap—I think it would be better to find someone who is more sure of their feelings for you.
 
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