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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So since I'm here I thought I'd take the opportunity to ask a long time question I have for the "Doers".

My father is an ESTP. I believe he has some intimacy issues within his own family and I must frighten him or something. I'm the youngest out of 4 and "should" have been a boy.

If I were to call him and say something like "Hey dad I miss you. When can we do lunch?". He will hem and haw and respond "Well yeah. I'm really busy right now. Work has trippled. I'm on a trip. I drove 16 hours today. Perhaps in 2 weeks I will give you a call? We will work some things out. I also have a big deal I'm working on. "

BUT

If I were to call my dad and say, "Dad, my car is in the shop. I need to go out of town in the next week and drive 300 hundred miles..." Before I am even finished with the sentence he will interject, "I hope you're ready. I will be there to pick you up and take you in about 15 minutes." Then we have some trip where it's not really "in and out". He takes me shopping. He takes me to the best restaurants, etc. He will dedicate his whole entire day to it. And he will be really cheerful the entire time. I can tell he loves it. :confused:

What. The. Hell? I've been dealing with this crap all my life. Can my father only love me when he is doing something for me? Does it make him nervous to plan with me?

How can he drop everything in a minute to help me do a task but we can't schedule a dinner or something.

I run marathons because of him, however. The man literally flies to come and watch any of his children or grandchildren compete in a sport. He loves to go and coach us right before. He takes it very seriously. He will drop anything he is doing for that. So as long as I stay in a sport (or doing shows) he will show up in a moment's notice.

But dear God, schedule time for a lunch. Oh yeah. He also will throw parties a lot. I get to see him then, too.

Does he not understand anything but doing? Does he just like to feel like he's a rescuer?
 

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This is perfectly healthy ESTP behavior. We don't mean it maliciously, we like doing for the one's we love and don't like to be tied down to schedules. Oh yes, I love to host parties and will kick the ass of any ESFJ or ESTJ in a hostess competition. :)
He doesn't require quality time the way you do.

If you say to your Dad, "Dad I need for you to make time for lunch, I need this." He will be there.
I have three daughters and my worst habit is getting caught up in what I am doing at the moment. A nice friendly reminder always helps.

Correct me if I'm wrong, your mom is ESFJ and Dad is ESTP?
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you!!!

This is perfectly healthy ESTP behavior. We don't mean it maliciously, we like doing for the one's we love and don't to be tied down to schedules. Oh yes, I love to host parties and will kick the ass of any ESFJ or ESTJ in a hostess competition. :)
I will admit, everyone has a very good time at his parties because he doesn't stress. He cooks, blends some sort of "miracle" drink with the "Dave" edge. And manages to float about making sure everyone has a good time. I mentioned him giving parties because I think this must be another way he expresses himself?

For instance, I made my daughter call my dad to tell him about her grades. She got off the phone a little perplexed. She said, "Grandpa says he is going to throw a party in couple of weeks to celebrate how good I'm doing." I had to let her know that it was better than a lunch date. He wants family around, etc. He's proud and this is his way of showing how proud he is (he rarely does small gestures).

And yeah, he HATES for others to dictate a schedule. But then again so do I. So I'm wondering if this is where I might suffer tension in the relationship. I have to drop everything when he wants to finally do something. This is just as hard for me as it is for him. But I do it because he's my dad. Even though it kills me to not be in control of my own schedule or confined to someone else's. And in all fairness I would think he understood because I'm the only person in the family that became an entrepreneur like him. There is a reason we both can't work "for the man".



He doesn't require quality time the way you do.
I don't understand this. I wish I could "bond" better but the problem is I don't really have patience for football viewing like my bro and sisters. I'm hyper and rather be doing. I do drink beer, however. But I'd rather be singing. But I did have a bonding moment with my dad last year when I dated a guy who was a addicted to football. But personally, I prefer just to have crushes on quarterbacks like Mark Sanchez *swoon*

If you say to your Dad, "Dad I need for you to make time for lunch, I need this." He will be there.
I have three daughters and my worst habit is getting caught up in what I am doing at the moment. A nice friendly reminder always helps.
Wow. I never thought of that. I never "need" my dad unless I really "need" something. Lol. But I could see how rephrasing my question would help. I remember calling him once in college and complaining about being poor or something. I remember he was silent and then said, "Okay. What is it you need then?" I remember thinking he was a bit rude. I have learned since then. My dad is not into idle chit chat. I just need to cut through the chase with lunch. "need to do lunch".
Wow. I need to tell this to my daughter too.

Correct me if I'm wrong, your mom is ESFJ and Dad is ESTP?
Yes, but they are divorced. My mom is really XSFJ. She no longer likes people. And she is very crotchedy. She would crap on my dad's dreams and tries to crap on mine. My dad actually is the only one who understands me in this family. We just don't spend very much time together. :sad:

My dad remarried 20 years ago. I'm not sure what his wife is. She doesn't have much of a personality though.

And do you guys hate initiating phone calls to your loved ones and would rather have them come to you? Is this an ESTP thing? Please explain to me the phone call thing. What are phones for?
 
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Wow. I never thought of that. I never "need" my dad unless I really "need" something. Lol. But I could see how rephrasing my question would help. I remember calling him once in college and complaining about being poor or something. I remember he was silent and then said, "Okay. What is it you need then?" I remember thinking he was a bit rude. I have learned since then. My dad is not into idle chit chat. I just need to cut through the chase with lunch. "need to do lunch".
Wow. I need to tell this to my daughter too.

Yes, but they are divorced. My mom is really XSFJ. She no longer likes people. And she is very crotchedy. She would crap on my dad's dreams and tries to crap on mine. My dad actually is the only one who understands me in this family. We just don't spend very much time together. :sad:

And do you guys hate initiating phone calls to your loved ones and would rather have them come to you? Is this an ESTP thing? Please explain to me the phone call thing. What are phones for?
Yes, I need very direct conversation. Your example of your phone call to your Dad and his response is very precise. I would ask the same question in the same manner. I don't need details to give the people I love what they need. It's just enough that they need it from me and I have it to offer. Most ESTPs I know are very generous and will do almost anything for those they love. We just don't need many words and don't want a lot of praise for it either.
We are not the greatest of communicators, I'll admit. Our communication is wrapped up in our deeds.
Actions speak volume to an ESTP and wording needs to be direct.

Growing up in a family of all daughters, I was the "fix it" person. If it needed fixing or there was a crisis, even Dad was looked over, it was always me who was called on. Weird family dynamics for most but clearly in the ESTP role.

Yeah, I hate initiating phone calls but I love the thought, I've mentioned this in other threads. I'm just not good at it. You may have to just deal with being the one who does the calling first.

The reason I mentioned your mom is because I am ESTP, husband is ESFJ and my 15 year old is ENFP. How's that for coincedence?

I think we need to remember as humans that no one person can be everything. It sounds like he fulfills the ESTP role in your life perfectly but don't be afraid to be direct. Once he finds out you need it from him, I think it will hit him differently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes, I need very direct conversation. Your example of your phone call to your Dad and his response is very precise. I would ask the same question in the same manner. I don't need details to give the people I love what they need. It's just enough that they need it from me and I have it to offer. Most ESTPs I know are very generous and will do almost anything for those they love. We just don't need many words and don't want a lot of praise for it either.
We are not the greatest of communicators, I'll admit. Our communication is wrapped up in our deeds.
Actions speak volume to an ESTP and wording needs to be direct.

Growing up in a family of all daughters, I was the "fix it" person. If it needed fixing or there was a crisis, even Dad was looked over, it was always me who was called on. Weird family dynamics for most but clearly in the ESTP role.

Yeah, I hate initiating phone calls but I love the thought, I've mentioned this in other threads. I'm just not good at it. You may have to just deal with being the one who does the calling first.

The reason I mentioned your mom is because I am ESTP, husband is ESFJ and my 15 year old is ENFP. How's that for coincedence?
Even more of a coincidence- I still act like I'm 15! :shocked: She needs you so much to encourage her that anything is possible.

I think we need to remember as humans that no one person can be everything. It sounds like he fulfills the ESTP role in your life perfectly but don't be afraid to be direct. Once he finds out you need it from him, I think it will hit him differently.
Yeah. I think due to your posts I just discovered that in a big way.

I think I'm also seeing an ESTP. He was pissing me off via text and I didn't know how to plan with him how to go about my arrival in town. We went back and forth. Then he finally texted me about the same time you posted me "From where do you need me to get you?" I realize I'm not being direct enough because I have issues with "needing" someone. :unsure: I think it stems from growing up with my mom. She didn't want anything direct. She preferred "hints" and guilt tripping. Lol.

Anyway, it's not rocket science. Even I have a preference for directness. But maybe I have sort of issue with men and asking them to do stuff for me. I don't know.. About a million years ago, my mom told me that my dad came to her and asked her "How come the kids can't come to me and ask me directly if they need something? If they did, I would work my damnedest to give them anything in the world."

Sigh...I don't like rejection, even if it's in my own mind. :unsure:
 
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