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What Drives You?

  • Family. Providing for them and representing my heritage.

    Votes: 14 6.8%
  • Friends (Some Family). Being my best for them.

    Votes: 6 2.9%
  • Faith. Life has meaning and purpose from God/higher power.

    Votes: 36 17.6%
  • The World. Being altruistic and giving what I can to everyone I meet.

    Votes: 29 14.1%
  • Myself. I live for me and enjoying all I can.

    Votes: 54 26.3%
  • Nothing. I just go through the motions.

    Votes: 17 8.3%
  • I don't know. I'm searching but haven't found it.

    Votes: 49 23.9%

  • Total voters
    205
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I voted the world, just cause I feel like I always ask myself, what can I give to help out other people?
 

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I've been debating whether or not to post in this thread because I will probably end up saying too much... It's just I am going through a dark time in my life and finding a purpose for carrying on has been pretty hard at times. I think what really started to tip me over the edge a couple months ago is that I was getting these excruciating stomach pains, like Kurt Cobain levels of painful...I have never been in so much pain in my life, I'm not exaggerating. So I went to the emergency room and realized I need to eat more regularly and consciously, and later on I read an article about how high levels of calcium cause abdominal pain... Well I've just been so stressed out from the changes I've made in my life over the course of the past year that I've been craving way too many dairy products, and I've read that dairy products (especially combined with carbs, like ice cream or pizza) are anti depressants, basically. So...I'm eating regular meals now that I cook and cutting back on dairy products (trying to at least). Also working on the medicine that was prescribed to me...haven't had stomach pain in a while now, thank goodness.

But anyway...the stomach pain was so bad that I started visiting the Lost All Hope website, which I only visit when I'm at my most desperate. It's a very dark website, but it's been helpful for me, honestly... Sometimes I just feel way more helped by someone telling me they know how it feels, instead of someone telling me, like, "You're not alone. Now call this hotline." Plus I'm pretty sure the author is a 3 which is my integration point, so that's nice. Anyway I was reading the "help me" section of the site and he emphasized that as humans, we need touch to feel okay. And it made me realize that ever since my cat died three years ago, it's left a void in me that I can't stand anymore. So I finally adopted a kitten recently... It's a lot of work sometimes, and painful...I mean she needs a lot of attention and she has way more energy than I do, and I feel guilty when I can't always be around. I also feel real pangs of guilt thinking about the other cats and kittens I looked at that I was unable to adopt, but I try to remind myself that I made a choice, took action in some way. And it's just so worth it... I knew I wanted her immediately because she was so affectionate and when I feel bad, she's always happy to be touched and cuddled and it just makes everything better. So that's been really helpful.

So I guess I'm realizing those are three things I need to feel good about life...basic health, the feeling I am not alone, and touch. Just today I told my friend from school that I feel stressed this semester, and she just said, "Tell me about it," and it was so relieving, knowing I'm not the only one struggling there. It makes me feel bad about my social anxiety because I know I would feel better if I wasn't so reluctant to seek and maintain that kind of support, but I'm trying to get better with it anyway. It's just a very two steps forward, one step back kind of deal, though, to put it mildly.

I guess what I struggle with more than anything is just knowing what the hell to do with my life. I don't really feel that what fulfills me in that way is the same as it was ten years ago... At that point I think what I needed most was self expression, I needed to find my voice and write and record an album's worth of songs because it was something I wanted in my heart, more than anything in the world. But now, ten years later, I have done that (it was hard for me, for a number of reasons) and I don't feel self expression is really enough for me anymore... I don't really, honestly feel that my calling is to express myself above all. I think it was something I needed for my self esteem, but deep down I think what I really want is to help someone... I've had a pretty hard life, but I think it's kind of a blessing because it's given me an awareness of something I could possibly help someone avoid... It's just very, very hard. I made a decision to go to school to be an art therapist a year ago, but it's very hard to keep myself going there in spite of my depression, my social anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior, everything. Some days I just want to drop it all and run away, or disappear. And in those moments I guess what drives me is remembering that I want to be practical for my family, and hopefully someday, someone who could use my help. I don't think running away would make me feel as good as it used to anyway, I actually like my boring suburban life, honestly. I do need to be outside, though, after a long day...just move around like a kid a bit. Humor helps too, I'm a big comedy person.
 

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Believe it or not and this sounds depressing (it used to be) but I've found out that I live my life mostly through escaping into fantasy worlds/artistic things. Even knowledge, which some might say is a real tangible thing, a factual thing, the reason I enjoy it is because I use it to escape into and immerse myself in. I never feel satisfied with experiencing things for what they are or appear to be. (Nature is another thing but again, I use my imagination and inspire myself through ideas in my head so again I'm not necessarily present in the sense of experiencing things for what they are)

It used to be a depressing thing but I've realized it's a really great thing when turned productive and positive.
 

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I have chosen myself, although I don't think it describes everything.
To me, the meaning of life is to learn, to understand how things works, understand the underlying laws of things.
 

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family. not the one i currently have, but the one i will have in future. that's what motivates me to work hard and have a stable life.

but also yeah the world. in my everyday life i'm trying to support everyone and give whatever i can.
 

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The universal puprose does not exist for me.
Biology gave me some clues, but hey... how for can one get with fu*king?
Higher purpose - god choose you like a pokemon - no thank you
self-made goals are imperfect, do not matter in the grand scheme of things
 

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Some of you might not like this, but I'm only going to have one option. The question is what drives you? Although the emotion might not always be sustained, we all have a worldview of sorts that inspires us to be the best person we can be. Best, of course, is a relative term. What's best is subjective to each individual person. While some might believe there are objective measurements for life success, those metrics cannot be forced on us. Thus, or happiness is subjective based on our personal values in life. These values can be altruistic, but they might be self-absorbed too. Either way, we all have something that drives us, even if it doesn't seem like anything.

Added: I made this poll anonymous so can you could be honest.
I don't believe in God or a Higher Power, and none of the others fit so I didn't vote, but in case it helps you--I know it'll help me to try articulating it:

To deconstruct the constructs, what some call brainwashing, others 'socializing' so I can see whatever comes up inside or outside me more clearly, for what it is, rather than what I was led to believe was there, should be there--and if it wasn't there (inside or outside me) the flaw had to be with my vision, not what I was taught.

So I'm practicing the Dharma, focus on Vipassana meditation, using the breath as my object of concentration to calm my mind, because with a jumpy mind I'm not gonna be seeing anything for what it is--just jumping to the future (where I hope to be) or back into the past (where something hurt too much) or hearing some landscaper outside and feeling irritated he's weed-whacking while I'm trying to meditate.

Noticing all of that... but not "following it" down the rabbit hole as some would say, getting stuck rather than little by little untying the Gordian knot that took so long to tangle:

That is what drives me:

Breaking on through to the other side, i.e. Reality.

I know I won't make it, of course but damn, it's a good Goal.
 

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I guess it would be myself, although family and friends do have some importance. They're just not what I base decisions around.
 

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My anger basically. I felt so miserable and pathetic in my past, I do not wish to be like this ever again and since then, I've wanted to take everything under my control and to make progress....like some sort of revenge toward Life itself.
 

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Birdie Borracho
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Discussion Starter #32
I don't believe in God or a Higher Power, and none of the others fit so I didn't vote, but in case it helps you--I know it'll help me to try articulating it:

To deconstruct the constructs, what some call brainwashing, others 'socializing' so I can see whatever comes up inside or outside me more clearly, for what it is, rather than what I was led to believe was there, should be there--and if it wasn't there (inside or outside me) the flaw had to be with my vision, not what I was taught.

So I'm practicing the Dharma, focus on Vipassana meditation, using the breath as my object of concentration to calm my mind, because with a jumpy mind I'm not gonna be seeing anything for what it is--just jumping to the future (where I hope to be) or back into the past (where something hurt too much) or hearing some landscaper outside and feeling irritated he's weed-whacking while I'm trying to meditate.

Noticing all of that... but not "following it" down the rabbit hole as some would say, getting stuck rather than little by little untying the Gordian knot that took so long to tangle:

That is what drives me:

Breaking on through to the other side, i.e. Reality.

I know I won't make it, of course but damn, it's a good Goal.
So you live for yourself, which would be "Myself. I live for me and enjoying all I can."
 

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@Parrot

So you live for yourself, which would be "Myself. I live for me and enjoying all I can."
I can see how you'd think that but no; I use Dharma Practice for the work I'm doing--and Metta Exercise?

I wake up and recite it; when I roll over at night and am in pain, get up to use the bathroom, I recite it. I recite it when my husband leaves for work, later before sitting meditation. I recite it at night, at light's out:

If you read up on The Noble Eightfold Path, it has nothing to do with a Higher Power.

Read the Buddhist's core teachings, and desire or "Myself" doesn't exist; it's part of the delusion I'm working to let go of.

And I've never believed it was the goal in life to live "to enjoy all I can."

Read up on Metta and it's got everything to do with starting with myself and extending the loving-kindness (or in Pali, Loving-Friendliness) out from myself further and further... to include all living beings, so it isn't just me but it isn't altruistic, either.

Vipassana meditation of which metta is a part is difficult, brings up a lot of unpleasant truths about where I am on this mind journey; I'm no arahant.
 

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I'm constantly looking for it. No matter what I find or how, the most of the time I end making it feel worthless and looking for something in advance. I have a dynamic desire style.
I also want to add a thing and it is that, having friends with the same desire style, I'm usually keep myself as a pragmatic and fighting person, the reason why I keep myself like that is because I'm a achiever, while my friends do it in a opposite way, they don't like to make assumptions about life while they love to enjoy and experiment(experiences).

The only thing I'm certain within my drives and motivations are the mastery, competence and knowledge, highly linked to my enneagram 5.
 

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To become king! (not really, but this was me when I was a kid :proud:)

In all seriousness, I just want to feel like I know who I am.
 

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Birdie Borracho
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Discussion Starter #36
@BranchMonkey sounds like you believe in some type of higher power/spirituality concept
 

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@Parrot

The only way I've heard Higher Power used is a euphemism for God (an Entity) and in 12-Step programs it often leads the unwilling to the Entity some "choose to call God" while others stick with Higher Power but mean, essentially, the same thing, sans a lot of Christian dogma.

Are you defining Higher Power differently? If so, be precise, then I got a better chance of answering that accurately for what I am exploring, because "what I believe" is part of the deconstruction process, central to the "clear it away" part of Dharma practice.

And "spirituality" is another euphemism, maybe messier, less precise than Higher Power, so I'd have to know what you mean by that, too.

You know the phrase, "Let's define our terms"? Often, it's not a case of "mere semantics."
 

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Birdie Borracho
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Discussion Starter #38
@Parrot

The only way I've heard Higher Power used is a euphemism for God (an Entity) and in 12-Step programs it often leads the unwilling to the Entity some "choose to call God" while others stick with Higher Power but mean, essentially, the same thing, sans a lot of Christian dogma.

Are you defining Higher Power differently? If so, be precise, then I got a better chance of answering that accurately for what I am exploring, because "what I believe" is part of the deconstruction process, central to the "clear it away" part of Dharma practice.

And "spirituality" is another euphemism, maybe messier, less precise than Higher Power, so I'd have to know what you mean by that, too.

You know the phrase, "Let's define our terms"? Often, it's not a case of "mere semantics."
Basically, you do all this because you think it's real. No point in wasting time if there's meaning behind it
 

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@Parrot

I don't understand what you mean. You went from asserting I do what I do to get as much enjoyment out of it as I can; also, that I believe in a Higher Power... to I do "this" because I think it's real.

We're not gonna get anywhere this way.

No worries.

And I hope you have a good night. I gotta sign off, do the Nightly Routine, almost none of which I enjoy, but good lord, I do I care about that (b)rat of mine, and I got one more coming--if all goes according to plan, tomorrow evening, and one more in a month. A lot of work, and worth it all. :)
 

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Some of all of the above, but faith first, and that's not only my personal religious beliefs, but wanting to see higher ideals and principles made manifest and trying to be a part of that.
 
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