What happens after someone crosses the line?

Here's a relevant thread: http://personalitycafe.com/infj-for...ou-ever-find-okay-hurt-someones-feelings.html

My level of forgiveness depends on my assessment of the person and what kind of person they are. I can tell if someone is an overall nice person or an overall jackass, for example. I will be more stern with nicer people and more aggressive towards jackasses. I also assess how much potential they have to improve themselves. If I feel like it's a lost cause, I'll give it to them straight and leave them.

This is speaking in general, however. If we are discussing personal boundaries, people who cross the line will get slammed, and that's because I'll tell them not to in the first place. If I tell you not to cross it, don't be an idiot and do it. Simple.

I don't believe in being entirely unforgiving. It's unnecessary for me to hold grudges against people, that takes too much energy. I'll forgive the person if they earn it, and give trust back, but only after another round of testing. My respect for them will take an equal plunge - i.e. right down into the sinker. It will take an equal amount of effort on their part to earn my respect back.

It's hard for me to renew respect and trust in people who've lost it. But I know that a lot of people are good-intentioned, and as long as they try to keep being a good person - and not screwing up all the time or giving bullshit disingenuousness - then they have my respect, and they have potential to earn my trust. It's never permanent. It's run on a very basic scale: I have the minimum required and if you wish to go deeper you must earn more. Anybody can take a turn at the high striker, but not everybody's strong enough to hit the bell and get a prize.

I'm not perfect, and I shouldn't expect that of other people; but I have very baseline expectations that should be fulfilled, and if you can't even meet the baseline standard, I'm just not going to waste my time with you.

I have this strange complex in which I door-slam some and yet let others trample on me indefinitely.
I suppose it has something to do with the context, but I'm not completely sure...

My husband, for example, is one that I never could shut out, even after a very rough few years of dating (and many, many hurtful breakups). I loved him so much and was so magnetized to him that I never could or would allow myself to shut him out. I just kept forgiving him.

Then there is a half-sibling who repeatedly has tried to claw her way into my life now, when I am an adult, although she cared very little about me when I was a child. I doorslammed her around the age of 18 and have absolutely no emotional attachment to her, despite her being somewhat blood-related. She crossed the line many times, though, before I finally stopped pretending to care about her and just started ignoring her completely.

There are also times where someone crosses the line and I want to completely shut them out, but circumstances require that I do not. It's in these cases that I feel especially vulnerable, and essentially "go through the motions" of having a relationship with them without allowing them to be close to me, in order to protect myself. It's especially hard to forgive these people in situations like these (it may prove impossible; I suppose I'll find out).

Overall, I would sum up my reaction to boundary-crossing into stages like this:
1. I make excuses for the other party but am hurt deeply, and try extremely hard to win affection.
If the person changes behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I forgive and move on immediately.
If they apologize, I'm likely to deflect it and deny it hurt me in the first place.

2. I internalize the hurt even deeper, and try harder to please.
If the person changes the behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I am hesitant to trust, but will forgive after I believe the behavior is authentic.
If they apologize, I'm likely to accept the apology but downplay its necessity, and forgive and move on immediately.

3. My hurt begins to turn to anger, and I become guarded.
If the person changes the behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I am very slow to trust and forgive, but it is definitely possible.
If they apologize, I am likely to forgive, acknowledge that I was hurt, and move on.

4. I become defensive and withdraw emotionally.
If the person changes the behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I will struggle with forgiveness but after a while of seeing the changed behavior, move on and trust again.
If they apologize, I am likely to forgive, acknowledge that I was hurt, and give them another chance to try, albeit hesitantly.

5. I withdraw verbally and/or physically, and become indirect and avoidant to conflict
If the person only changes the behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I will likely not pursue a relationship with them further.
If they apologize, I am likely to forgive, but to wait for a change in behavior before trying again in the relationship. If the change comes, I am likely to move on and begin building trust towards them again.

6. I decide the relationship is not worth keeping and "doorslam" - attempts to keep harmony in the relationship are abandoned at this point, and I may be more willing to pursue, or at least accept, open conflict.
If the person only changes the behavior at this point (and does not apologize), I will not accept any type of relationship with them.
If they apologize, I am likely to forgive, but not to give them another chance at a relationship. It is highly unlikely that, once I've reached this stage, I will want any type of relationship with them again- although, sometimes, time can heal and years later I am able to have an acquaintance relationship again.

Robert2928 said:

Hello everyone (if anyone reads this lol) I'm usually very forgiving of people. We are all human and make mistakes right? Now I'm curious. How forgiving are INFJs are after a deep held value has been violated? Does that person lose your trust and/or respect? If so, for how long or is it a permanent loss of respect/trust?

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Hi. Yes, we're human. If someone violates a deeply held value it depends on whether they're aware of it's value to me or not. If they disregard the value of my friendship for instance I can and will stand up for myself and do what has to be done. If they choose to let it die and my values keep me in the light then I will work for the friendship even if they would let it die (I.E. they break my trust, I call them out, they say they don't care, I stand up, they don't respond or try to keep the friendship, I make an effort after a little while if I feel it's necessary..).

Of course they lose my trust. I'm not a doormat and I refuse to be treated like one (I feel sad when I know I am in a position to rightfully challenge other individuals' self worth through their actions on me). The only people who get away with treating me badly are the ones who choose to be disillusioned in closed scenarios of ethics that is created under the social context we call social groups. Everyone has a level of respect from me. If they disrespect me I will treat them with a facet that guards me against any further disrespect, a facet of much less trust. Family or not. If they don't take responsibility for their actions they will not be permitted to see what they have done. The cause of my view on this may just go to the grave with the ignorance of the person who started this trend.

As for how long..It depends on how dire. If it's something like say..How someone treats me when they have power over me in a vulnerable state, it depends on who it is. They should consider themselves lucky if they do this as family. I'm not sure how I would act if someone fringed in a deep way. The last time I picked on their weakness in a fit of anxiety. They ran away to lick their wounds thinking they were some damaged person when a lose lose situation came out of it, sparked by a reactionary response by me to a reactionary response from them to a misunderstood response from me. As in they misunderstood my response and reacted negatively, causing me to react negatively in response.

It seems like these misunderstood interactions cause permanent damage in my life so I will go with permanent damage to my relationships if my values are hurt from the bonds I form. Like the creases in paper and aluminum, the carvings on a tree, the damage to our psych as children..

I went all over the place with my response. Your answer is in there though along with the relevant information.

quaggy said:

What if the person doesn't know what line was crossed or why you are shutting them out?

One day an INFJ friend was constantly stopping in my office, chatting online, and texting - he is very comical and does not seem to take much seriously most times. The next day it all comes to a dead stop with no explanation. You inquire as to what is wrong, if you did anything, etc, but no response. The INFJ went from practically my best friend to a cold shoulder in a milisecond. How is one supposed to recover from that without at least some brief discussion?

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Obviously, I don't know your friend or the details of your situation, so I can't give you too specific of advice...
But, I can tell you this-
First of all, I've been that friend, who "randomly" shuts people out without telling them why. I'm not proud of it. :/
Second, I always have a reason. It's never actually random. Sometimes it's that I'm worried I made a fool of myself and I withdraw in hopes that they'll pursue the relationship, proving they actually do care about me. Sometimes it's that they said something that offended or hurt me and I withdraw in order to avoid it again. It's situational. But it always is for a reason.
Third, I rarely, only in the most extreme circumstances (if you read my earlier post, stage 6, specifically), directly tell someone why I'm upset. If they ask, I might tell them, depending on how severe it is. If they know why and apologize, I'll accept the apology. But I don't go out of my way to discuss it unless it's gotten so extreme that I no longer care to keep a harmonious relationship of any kind with them. So if you're waiting for him to come to you and tell you what's up...it's possible he might not.
Fourth, sometimes I get over it. If it was no big deal, or if I withdrew because of something I did, not the other person, I'll usually come back in a matter of time and pretend nothing happened.

The other thing I was wondering about your INFJ friend is, are you 100% sure he's an INFJ? The doorslam makes sense, but the comical light-heartedness seems a little "off" to me. Although, to be fair, I've given the impression to people in certain situations that I didn't take life seriously and was all about fun... Anyway, do you know for sure? Or was that just an impression you got of him?