Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 64 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,800 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Men and ladies :)

Just like the thread title says, what is more valuable. What is the difference between being needed vrs being wanted.? Personally i would rather be wanted than needed. I could live and take care of myself, no problem, so why would i need anyone ?

What about you. Do you value to be loved because someone wants you, or because someone needs you, and what is the difference if any for you personally.?

Think of this quote " You complete me " . What does this mean to you ? And do you feel like it rings true for you personally, or do you think it doesn't make sense. Personally when i hear this quote i think that somehow the person saying it doesn't feel like they are already whole, like it took me to complete who they are. Yes, no ?

I'm curious to see if there is a difference between how men/women view the desire to be wanted or the need to be needed.
 

·
Fu Dominant
Joined
·
10,720 Posts
... Can't I have both? :eek:P

Anyway, I prefer to be needed. Not in the clingy, desperate way that you seem to indicate in the OP, but I would hope I make an impact in an SOs life that no one else does. I want that loyalty that says, "I'm not going to toss you out of my life when your novelty wears off or when things get tough". The honeymoon phase of a relationship doesn't last forever, and something substantial has to be there to keep things going.

And again, that's not saying my SO shouldn't be independent, or that I'm not independent without one. I haven't been in a romantic relationship in close to a decade, and I'm doing just fine. The point is being better with them than without. Wanting someone is all well and good, but at a certain point in a relationship, you have them. What keeps you from hopping over into someone else's arms (or lap, depending on your type :eek:P )? A need for them. A desire.

That all said, I still want both. There shouldn't be an either/or in a healthy relationship. An SO that needs, but doesn't want, shouldn't be in a relationship. An SO that wants, but doesn't need in some way, won't be in that relationship for very long. IMHO, anyway.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
676 Posts
Needed. This damn mothering instinct of mine insists on it, although I don't plan on having kids anytime soon. Or it might be an NF thing. You know, helping people :/

I feel odd being wanted, I'm not sure why. 'Wanted' usually translates in my head as you wanting to sleep with me :/
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
I would rather be needed. Someone who merely wants me can always change his mind. Being wanted isn't secure. Being necessary to someone is always better.

As for completing someone, I think that sounds lovely. I hope to complete the person who completes me, and in doing so, to become more than either of us could be individually. If we can't enhance each other, what is the point of being together? If we were already complete in ourselves, having everything we required in order to be fulfilled, there would be no motive for seeking each other. All relationships would be meaningless, and I probably wouldn't bother to be in them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,628 Posts
i think i want both.

i want to be wanted first of all. but i do want to be needed a little. what's the point if you and your partner don't bring some missing element, strength, or ability into the relationship that makes the other person's life better?

I can live without my husband. but i want him because i love him, and i "need" him in order to become better than i am now.
If you don't have anyone close to you to provide an POV outside yourself, then you won't grow.

To quote Grey's Anatomy, "He's my person."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
96 Posts
Honestly, I'd rather be wanted right now. I find I'm usually attracted to people with strength of character & resilience, so being wanted by choice is such a nice thing. One day, in my fantasy married future, sure it'd be nice to feel needed, but that takes time. I'd want to earn it :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,262 Posts
Wanted. Without a shadow of a doubt. I've probably said this countless times in these forums, but a successful relationship is based upon teamwork in my mind. So I don't think an effective team needs its players, but the players need chemistry. I suppose at root level I need to be wanted?

Need suffocates me, I can't handle that level of responsibility and I don't like the idea that I can need one individual. I know I need people but I don't want to need a person or be needed. It smacks of dependency and clinginess to me. If love is the art of going to the ends of the earth and back with a partner, well I'd rather make that journey with someone who wants me as a companion. Travelling with a companion who needs you strikes me as a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness on behalf of both parties.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,255 Posts
I'd rather be wanted . Being needed without being wanted may get u surrounded by ppl who use you to satisfy their needs.
 

·
Premium Member
INTP
Joined
·
11,905 Posts
Wanted, most definitely!

I don't want to complete someone else and don't expect others to complete me.

I'm responsible for my own happiness and personal growth and I think others should be responsible for theirs. Not shift responsibility onto someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Wanted.

As I said in another thread...
My dog needs me, my Husband wants me.

"Need" defines someone who depends on you for their survival or to make their life more convenient...like my dog needs me, my kids need me. My Husband is a grown man, capable of sustaining life for himself and being with me is a choice that he continuously makes until death do we part. He could leave at any time, I could leave him at any time, but we CHOOSE each other.

I may need him to go to work and earn money so that we have a roof over our heads, I might need him to do things I can't do, but that's not why I'm with him.

To be needed can be applied to these things:
I need you because I'm afraid I'll never find anyone else
I need you or else I'll die
I need you because I don't want to have to take care of myself
I need you because it's too complicated to leave you
I need you because I'm afraid I'm not worthy of better
I need you because you make a ton of money and I would be poor without you
Etc. etc. etc.

I want you is a choice...the person WANTS to be with me. Need means "without choice" which I say no thank you to that. I don't want anyone who feels stuck with me.

The love from my kids and the way they need me is different than my spouse. I love them differently. Love for my children is unconditional. Love for my Husband is conditional...that is not a cold statement, it's the truth. Everyone has deal breakers in romantic relationships. For instance, if he ever hit me, I would be gone...that's a condition.

I choose him and he chooses me, of course we can change our minds! But we don't want to...that's the beauty of it :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
657 Posts
Things I need: water, food, a house
Things I want: books, pictures, my violin

Hmm, 'want' is definitely more valuable. To me, 'need' doesn't imply a personal connection, or that I even like the needed thing. There must be a better word than 'want', though. I think it has shallow/materialistic connotations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Things I need: water, food, a house
Things I want: books, pictures, my violin

Hmm, 'want' is definitely more valuable. To me, 'need' doesn't imply a personal connection, or that I even like the needed thing. There must be a better word than 'want', though. I think it has shallow/materialistic connotations.
"Choose". Choosing to be with someone can replace the word want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
@Khys I like that...yes, I want my Husband to want me (choose me), but I like for him to depend on me in small ways, like knowing I will encourage him, I will comfort him, I will make him dinner, I will wash his clothes, and I will be there to listen :) I don't want him to need me because it would be inconvenient for him to lose me. I want him to choose me because he wants me in his life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
960 Posts
It's interesting. Reading through this thread it seems to me like everyone has different definitions of the words need and want. I just want to be content regardless of what my partner needs/wants. I want to be benevolent and warm yet able keep my distance when necessary. They can need me or want me or both or, at times, neither. I want to be OK no matter what.
 
1 - 20 of 64 Posts
Top