What is your greatest strength(s) in a relationship? What is something you offer that is more unique?

Double inch sword?



As for my strength in a relationship I'm not sure really ...I'll have to think about it and edit this later

0.M.I.A.0 said:

: a sword that has two sharp edges. 2. : something that has both good and bad parts or results. Freedom of expression can be a double-edged sword.

Click to expand...

Yeah I get that but your post says inch lol not edge...

I don't... think there's really such a thing as a strength not tied to a weakness. Any approach you can take would sometimes be trying to hammer a screw. Anything that comes naturally to you can be misapplied, and... if it comes naturally to you, there is plenty of temptation to misapply it.

For me, the greatest strength I have is flexibility. I can generally get along decently with most people, given some time to learn what they expect and who they are. On my better days, I can be the person that needs to... exist in a given situation, and change my approach to things as needed. That's... the nice version, anyway. The less nice version is that my identity and personality is kinda fluid and unstable under it all, and that has its own consequences. On my bad days, I'm capricious and inconsistent. I know what I should be doing in a stressful situation, and my emotions get the better of me anyway, and I take the exact wrong approach. Even if normally I can take a more useful one.

Not to mention, I've been fairly lucky in my relationships that I've found people who don't mind me being who I am too. The other downside of being like that is, well. Most people have an idea in their minds of who their partner and the people in their lives are like, what they would like for them to be like. I... can't do that. It actively stresses me out of I'm asked to consistantly be a certain way or act a certain way 100% of the time in response to a certain thing. That takes focus I don't have and can't apply to every moment in my life. That is... to say the least, not what most people are looking for in their relationships. People think they want someone who be their ideal lover for them, even at the cost of their self -- they don't. That's not how relationships work and not how people work.

1. Accepting: I tend to take people as they are. I am saying if I am willing to consider and entertain an ongoing relationship. If I am attracted enough to entertain the idea and pursuit of a relationship with the person, it means I enjoy most apsects of who they are or reveal in their current state. So I am not as likely to hold someones past over them, nor am I likely to try to change who they are as a person. If I think someone has a past that I cannot reconcile, or a needs changing I would not really entertain the idea of a relationship and even let it progress.

Con to this: Initially some people can mistake my being laid back as willing to allow someone else to gaslight me. The people who confuse me not throwing stones, or immediately reacting in interactions tend to later feel blindsided when I throw a boulder back at em, and cut em off. I am not usually avoiding out of fear or to obtain leverage. It is because I am collecting data to see if it is a pattern. If it is a pattern I will cut them off. They tend to be confused because I did not engage the dismembering. Of course all people are not like this. This is only the case/relevant with people who try to break people down to build a relationship. Anyways being accepting shot me more in the foot in younger years. Now I am better armed with balance. I still maintain myself, but I am quicker to not put up with others who are unaccepting or unproductively critical. I can take criticism. a good example an ex constructively helped me alot with work critique when I asked. I however was not interested in this person nitpicking how I arrange my clothing, dress, home, car, etc etc in my space I pay for. That is a fuck no.

2. Chill/Laid Back: I can be intense but not with my personal relations as much (romantic or friends/family). I am far more intense in other settings. I am often complimented for being fun & down to earth in personal settings. I am usually valued as an un-intrusive support person generally. And someone who will go with the flow. To a degree. I do not really argue to be in charge or not in charge. I usually have balance in personal social settings. I am not particularly overbearing, but also not really a push over either. Just there for the ride, unless I decide I do not want to do something. I am usually a sought after friend. And I tend to be chill even with most exes etc.

Con to this: Well obviously someone who likes to tackle potential intimate relationships with a large amount of enthusiasm straight away can have self doubt dating someone like myself. I am not apathetic. Actually far from. But I am not easy to put a leash on either. So my 'chilledness' has been mistaken and accused of not caring. Basically just because I did not just wear my heart on my sleeve. This trait has bothered both male & females I have dated. Also because I lack alotta that heart on sleeve stuff I come off less vulnerable. I have noticed a few people I was into seem to be drawn to more overtly emotional vulnerability. I.e. I suck at making any person feel like they are 'needed'. I sorta resent this though, because I'd think me wanting them would be more valuable than if I need them. Also this can result in having the chick form of being friend zoned. Lol.

3. I am Attentive: My number one love language is Quality. I care about being in the moment of the person I am with. I tend to not like to text etc while sitting with someone in live time for example. Like on a date. Even friends who are on the phone alot during a planned interaction I find rude. I observe small things about people and their comfort levels, and tend to be conscientious of others environments. Especially people I love. I can make people feel safe. I pick up on environmental idiosyncrasies and triggers others have, and patterns. I tend to be proactive in this way. I.e. my younger sis is neurotic as hell, I know her triggers and respect them. I will even accommodate to offset. I hear if someone mentions something important. An ex boyrfiend mentioned the irony in being born in New Orleans and seeing the other end of the Mississippi. So I decided to make a day adventure and drove him to the start of the Mississippi he really appreciated that. Anyways I tend to do my best to make people feel environmentally and emotionally secure and loved. I do my best to make people feel safe.

Con to this: It can sorta get hidden in #'s 1 & 2 though. I do reveal it, but it is more subtle and underlined. But to anyone that puts an emphasis more on #1 and having someone good on paper to them, or #2 preferring more overt emotional vulnerability it can get lost. My kids are actually the ones who notice this trait underlined the most about me. They joke I am a simp, just a secret one. Lol, no I would never buy someone a car or house who friend zoned me. They just mean I am a fricken sap. So yeah it is just a con if it is not valued. I still consider it one of my better attributes and I'd rather it be unappreciated than to not do it. Even if I can feel my subtle ways of showing love get pushed under a rug. It is funny though how this subtlety about me can go unnoticed and people can mistake the heart not on a sleeve. And then push me away, when I am showing them I love them in my way. I am actually a sap and sensitive.

Apparently none. I'm not trying to be funny. I've thought about this a lot lately.

I always thought I had plenty to offer, but most good points are lost on the people (men) I've been with. For starters, most have wanted me to be the same as someone from their past, which I can't do. Or they want me to be like some ideal woman (e.g., a movie star), which I also can't/won't do.

I've never cheated in my life, but I've been accused of cheating. I've never tried to "use" anyone (e.g., for a green card or for money), but I've been accused/suspected of this. I don't drink or do drugs, but I've been accused of being an alcoholic and a drug addict (by long-term SOs who should have known me better than that). I'm very intelligent and a good cook and many other things, but mostly they thought I was stupid or complained because I cut the sandwich "wrong," etc.

I have received a few compliments from a few men I was with (honorable, good in bed, intelligent, a good worker, beautiful) and a couple of comments I don't really identify with (feisty, nurturing).

One relationship was a bit different. The man actually liked me. (Unfortunately he died.) Of course one needs to have certain "strengths" in order to be in a relationship (e.g., patience) but often they are wasted.

@islandlight

I really am not going to invalidate the way you feel, from your experiences. As far as telling you how to feel with relationships.

I just wanted to say independent of that a few traits I really admire in you. Not that my opinion is that important. I just think I may not be alone on this perception: You exhibit...

-Tolerance
You do not virtue shame, but you are still honest about what you feel/think

-Respectful
You tend to be very respectful in your interactions with others, while still maintaining your own thoughts/boundaries. I can think of a number of times you have pointed out an alternative thought to myself or my opinion. However because you are so direct, but not attacking I find you are someone I can receive the information in a useful manner. You have a delivery people are receptive to. That is a very useful quality IMO.

-You are incredibly authentic/candid
I appreciate the sincerity in the things you speak about here. Even when they make me feel sadness you feel that way. I think you offer people a lot more insight coming from a perspective that is valuable.

Maybe your mates were threatened by you, for being the 'bigger' person. I wonder 🤔. I was not there though. You just have the possession of alot of traits that disbursed maybe many people have one or two. But more uniquely and less common is the combination of the integrity, and stoic disposition. Anyways I was not in a relationship with you, nor you so who knows.

The fact that my partner and have I are both queer and also neurodivergent is our big strength as a couple together. We cover for our neurodivergence related shortcomings for each other.

However, being queer together is a strength, but converted into a "weakness" by the shitstain of a country that America is becoming for people like us. Things weren't nearly as bad in 2015 even. I can't respect people who you don't even know want to end things like gay marriage, attack trans rightss or even from what I'm hearing lately that they're targeting interracial marriages here in the south.

You think a person is nice and the next thing you know they're ranting about abortion, vaccines, government conspiracies etc; they could be secretly voting in monsters that want to take away any kind of right to exist in this fuckhole of a country. It's like just constantly having your brain hammered by nonsense to the point where it becomes depressing really. I mean, I can't even go get a haircut in peace anymore here.

This keeps us in mainly online communities rather than have much in the way of a social circle IRL. I don't want to be around some fuckwad with horrendous "opinions" even accidentally.

SilentScream said:

It's like just constantly having your brain hammered by nonsense to the point where it becomes depressing really.

Click to expand...

So I can respect your opinion that you two offer each other the support you each value and require. That was what I got from that.

The rest seemed maybe more political. Which I am not sure I personally view politics or subjective morals as strengths/qualities. You are by all means entitled to believing that is a personal quality. I consider that more so a different thing. I was sorta jaw drop at how the thread went that direction. Like scratching head.

Personally I tend to have some views that align with ea. side a tad, and some that I disagree with each side. So I guess I do not necessarily view political/morality opinions as character strengths/qualities. Even if I understand people hold various views. I can recognize you and I view things different.

*By saying this in no way means I do not have any opinions on any issues. I just think not everyone is quite as black and white as how that was just put out. I believe that is just the right and left divided that is that black and white. I think most people have more depth, layers, and diversity than one or another.

SilentScream said:

The fact that my partner and have I are both queer and also neurodivergent is our big strength as a couple together. We cover for our neurodivergence related shortcomings for each other.

However, being queer together is a strength, but converted into a "weakness" by the shitstain of a country that America is becoming for people like us. Things weren't nearly as bad in 2015 even. I can't respect people who you don't even know want to end things like gay marriage, attack trans rightss or even from what I'm hearing lately that they're targeting interracial marriages here in the south.

You think a person is nice and the next thing you know they're ranting about abortion, vaccines, government conspiracies etc; they could be secretly voting in monsters that want to take away any kind of right to exist in this fuckhole of a country. It's like just constantly having your brain hammered by nonsense to the point where it becomes depressing really. I mean, I can't even go get a haircut in peace anymore here.

This keeps us in mainly online communities rather than have much in the way of a social circle IRL. I don't want to be around some fuckwad with horrendous "opinions" even accidentally.

Click to expand...

I'd like to say something as someone who very much identifies as bisexual.

I do not in my daily interactions feel that all of the LGBTQ community should even be placed together. I think it pegs different things together into a giant ass pool. That is like saying Italian Americans & Native Americans had the same exact issue and should just all believe the same thing because they were all labeled minorities at one point.

I am all for strength in numbers. I just think that the LGBTQ community went from fighting for rights, to now hate shaming and opinion shaming people. I grew up in a time where I saw my elders Gen X fight for rights for decades, to now seeing the other extreme of a generation that feels entitled to scream and shout at everyone that they deserve acceptance. I am not advocating to hate people. I believe in more outreach and support for every letter in that group. I just think how quick people have gotten to label anyone not a Q is just as discriminatory in a counter attack. It is hard to even type that without feeling like I am about to get counter queer shamed.

My experiences online certainly does not make me feel like I am represented in the LGBTQ category. I feel like I am mostly subjected to alotta couples in secured relationships and ENMs all shaming everyone. I see very little outreach for bisexuals. We are told we are supposed to adopt queer ideals because they are mainstream. We are questioned by heterosexuals, and gay people. We deal with our own set of issues. That are unique to us. We are barely allowed to speak about it, because it is going to get labeled as anti queer. I think Queer people should be judged individually, but why is it not relevant for me to state some of my experiences with the community as whole.

You brought it up so I thought I'd expand outside the OP topic I replied to.