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I don't see how what I said paints people who value words of affirmation as tone deaf. From what is provided it is implied people who value words of affirmation might not be able to take a joke.
I don't see where you got that based on what you posted. If the jocular intent is clear, it shouldn't matter that it's words of affirmation. It shouldn't make the person less likely to take a joke. Placing importance on words doesn't make one more prone to ignore intent.

The importance of words of affirmation is less about the compliments, and more about having a feed on the person's thoughts, and how they read when taken in conjunction with the rest of their actions. Originality of thought and eloquence of delivery carry more weight than the positivity/negativity of what's being said.

And I should know, I'm a massive shit disturber that thrives on playful antagonism.

Also since you watered down the other 4 languages to fucking, chores, token dates and knicknacks I think it's only fair I share the overview provided for all of the love languages:

Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.


Physical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Just in case someone unfamiliar with the 5 love languages wants to learn enough to contribute to the thread.

Just dishing some of what I took. :)
 

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INteresting question. Mine is quality time and words of affirmation. My partner's own is Physical touch and quality time - the quality time works but the physical touch gets under my skin sometimes. Partner likes to kiss and hug and slap my bum as I pass by and it's very annoying sometimes! He says that's the way he shows his love. Meanwhile, he forgets to say the things that really make me feel good - like affirming, validating things. :-( So there's a disconnect there. He also thinks that I'm not affectionate enough.. So...yeah. We both agree quality time is important, though.
 

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This is a good system to begin parsing your most important needs. But something I've noticed about myself. That when an ingredient is missing from a relationship, it levels up on the priority list so I'm starting to wonder if these languages are snap shots in time for people in long term relationships who are trapped in holding patterns for unmet needs.
 

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I'm a big fan of showing rather than telling, so words of affirmation tend to fall flat unless you're illustrating something deeper with them like an observation. I generally despise gifts, having had such crappy experiences with people happy to throw their money around and call it love, and I'm not really a "stuff" kinda person anyway.
Give me touch and quality time.
 
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I'm touch all the way, so much so that I barely notice the others. If it wasn't for my Fe, I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't 70+ % touch as well. As it is, I can "mirror" my SO sufficiently to tap into acts of service at least. I think I suck at words of affirmation (I'm a good listener but don't say much) and I absolutely detest gifts, so much so that they register more as offensive than caring.

I don't much mind quality time either way, but it probably doesn't work if it tops the list for my SO since I need a solid chunk of alone time.

Never been with anyone who appreciated touch as much as I do. No idea what that would look like, especially since I suck at sex. Cuddles for the win? Not much so far :-/
 

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I'm touch all the way, so much so that I barely notice the others. If it wasn't for my Fe, I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't 70+ % touch as well.
I am the same way. Only one person I've been with was at the same level for me with physical touch and he was an ENTJ. It was fantastic. Lol
 

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My love language is a cross between Quality Time & Acts of Service

I can’t stand when someone’s love language is, Words of Affirmation

I have just learned over the years it’s not suitable to me and it crawls under my skin and repels me. I don’t want to imply I don’t ever pay a compliment when I think it is due. Or assert my affection verbally. Because sometimes I do. But i absolutely cannot stand when the person requires it to feel whole or further more thinks that is the way to my heart. As I view it coming to me in abundance, as blowing smoke up my ass and very unnecessary. I also tend to think there is too much implied expectation built around words of affirmation type of people earlier on in dating. I don’t like reassuring people to that kinda level as it feels like a betrayal to my self just on how I conduct myself as a human. Anyways I just noticed I am very incompatible with people who require this expression.
I agree. Also, gifts in excess or without thought is off putting. Were your Quality Time & Acts of Service close? Mine are something like this;
Acts of Service 11
Physical Touch 10
Quality Time 10

Almost nonexistent;
Gifts 3
Words of Affirmation 2

 

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I know mine is quality time, I think mostly because my own time is precious. I really have to care about someone a lot to want to spend every day conversing with them. I find my fiance does give me a lot of time and attention when I need it. He often listens when I ramble on regarding most topics, and it's lovely. For him, I'd say it's acts of service, because he said to me once, when I asked him how I can support him as he supports me, and he said it was by helping him with his projects and tasks, and he appreciates such things more than anything else. I enjoy doing those things for him, because it facilitates more opportunities to spend time together.

Touch I'm 50/50 on. With a romantic partner, it's nice, but with most people, especially strong extroverts, I find their way of hugging and kissing to be overwhelming.

I don't want to upset anyone who does like to give gifts, but I start to feel uncomfortable when people give gifts instead of spending time and getting to know me. Gifts tend to make me feel a bit obligated to appreciate a person. I don't mean to imply that people who give gifts generally do this, only that I correlate my own life experience to it.

Words of affirmation are probably the 'love language' I trust the least, because people constantly lie in order to make the other person feel better. Not to say that the people I associate with me are liars, at least not intentionally. Sometimes people get caught up in other people's feelings. I generally don't believe the nice things people say to me, particularly when they say they like me a lot or think highly of me, unless I see something to back up that claim.
 

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I hate gifts and if someone expect them from me or want to give me them...I would be disgusted.

For me Quality time is the most important thing. If we can't have it, then there is no "US". Then comes the Physical touch (But I appreciate more the mind touch - when she stimulates my mind to give the best out of it). Third is Acts of Service but that doesn't really makes much sense to me. I don't want someone to do me favors, I want to be me who does the job done.
Words of Affirmations? That's pretty important for me because I know that words are a form of expressing thoughts and thoughts is what one conciousness produce. But...if there is enough Quality Time and Physical and Mind Touch then I don't need any words of affirmation. I want them rarely.

So yeah, I think it is very important in a relationship to share love languages with partner but that's not a must.
 

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Sometimes I think it is about your history, or the way that you grew up and honestly what you didn't get. You are looking for that now from a partner.

For example, my partner's (INTP) are Words of Affirmation, followed by Physical Touch. He is a tough and reserved guy, but growing up he had it a bit rough with his dad especially, and only heard some really negative things that brought down his self-esteem. He also didn't have positive experiences with physical touch. So now, it matters to him that I notice when he does positive things and comment on them so he feels like he is doing a good job (not BS - but positive reinforcement or praise that is due). Receiving loving touch calms him and also makes him feel safe and happy in our relationship.

Mine are Acts of Service and Quality Time. When I was a kid I had an aggressive parent and an absent parent. I was told I needed to do things myself without asking for help or I was failing and bad. I raised myself and my brother to a large extent and left home as a teenager to work. When someone keeps their word and does something (like a chore around the house) or helps me with something, it means love to me. I was alone for a good amount of my life and ignored as a child (except by my younger brother whom I took care of, who is wonderful and still my best friend), so when someone spends time with me, it means everything.

So, I think a lot of the time we don't choose our languages, they are the languages we learned as a kid (the ones we were missing and starved of). This is just my theory. And that is why for a relationship to work we need someone to speak them to us.

This idea came to me because I could never understand how someone would choose Gifts as their number one love language, but if growing up you never had anyone give you anything new, or you ended up in a family where the other kids got birthday and Christmas gifts and you didn't, someone taking the time to pick out a special gift for you and show they care - I can see that mattering a lot actually. It isn't something you are consciously choosing to matter, it is just something that your heart learned meant love or lack of love when you were a child.

Love Languages are one thing my partner and I are working on in our relationship.
 

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My love language is words of affirmation, followed by quality time. My past partners have tended to be touchy people. Which is fine with me. I can accommodate any love language but I’d really prefer a guy who especially liked either words of affirmation, quality time, or acts of service
 

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This idea came to me because I could never understand how someone would choose Gifts as their number one love language, but if growing up you never had anyone give you anything new, or you ended up in a family where the other kids got birthday and Christmas gifts and you didn't, someone taking the time to pick out a special gift for you and show they care - I can see that mattering a lot actually. It isn't something you are consciously choosing to matter, it is just something that your heart learned meant love or lack of love when you were a child.
Gifts is one of my love languages (I agree it's pretty misunderstood though, just from reading through the thread).

It definitely relates back to my childhood, but I think that for myself it was more so because there were times when I was not able to see my loved ones for a long time--they were gone or else times when I moved and I wasn't able to see my friends or talk to them much for a long time.

Quality Time is probably the strongest love language for me.

Gifts to me is about having something to remember a person by when they are not around. It's a tangible way that they show you they've thought of you and how important you are to them.

Gifts are a way of staying connected, in a way, to people who you can't be around. And also they symbolize a memory sometimes.



And I think people assume that if gifts are your love language you are just super into getting wealth from people.

Actually, once I picked flowers from the home town of an ex, pressed them in a book, and then took hours arranging the pressed flowers in a frame to give them as a gift.

To me this is a meaningful gift--it's pieces of a home that they rarely ever get to see, and I put a lot of time and energy into making it.

But money wise it is worthless--it's still a meaningful gift. Just as much as an expensive musical instrument (another gift I got the same person, when we were together) is. I don't judge the gifts by how expensive they are, but by the quality I see in them and for me that's the subjective value to the person--a bit of their home or something they have wanted to do for a long time.

It's the thought that is put into the gift--not just that it is a gift. If it doesn't seem like any thought was put into it, it's just kind of pointless. And if it's not something I really like, or it's specifically something I don't like (like cheap souvenirs made in china that you only bought because they are so cheap--wow the cheapest earrings!) then I feel let down.



Funny though because when I do reach back on childhood memories--none of the gifts that I received seemed bad. It didn't matter if they were ill-fitting, because they showed someone thought about me and I was important enough for that--plus I also know exactly what those gifts meant to the people who gave them. I know why they gave them, and can wonder about what they were thinking, and I appreciate the gesture because I know what it meant to them.

Perhaps I know the people who gave me gifts as a child loved me. So the gifts reflected that love--they didn't create that.

But I guess that's also true that I knew about my ex's motivations, that I know to him it just meant "cheap earrings that should make you say 'thank you' and now you'll have to wear them or I'll get upset." Because that was how our relationship was. It didn't matter if I didn't like them or they didn't fit, or they even hurt--because he got them for me I should worship them.

I mean, I don't throw a fit but I do secretly judge. And I don't GAF about anyone else getting me gifts--coworkers on Christmas. I'll get them socks...it's not worth it. I don't really love them and they don't love me. If they can offer a thoughtful gift then I'm impressed, but it doesn't matter.

But if it's someone who's supposed to actually know me, I do judge a little on if they have paid attention to my interests or put effort beyond "oh there's something cheap I have to get out of obligation b/c I visited somewhere or it's expected as a holiday."

Mostly I give myself gifts anyway, and I am perfectly happy with knowing myself well.

But it has always been a fantasy that someone else might also be able to give pleasing gifts, because they would understand me and what things mean to me. But the majority of the pleasure of getting a gift is knowing and learning what thought the person put into it--that's always so great.

Even when it's something I wouldn't expect or really need or want on my own, if the person really put thought into it I love knowing what that is and what it means about their feelings (and also their preferences, and their cares). So it's like there is a little bit of them in the gift, and maybe a little bit of me. And that's what makes it something special.

I was already thinking about writing something on behalf of gift giving, and then I saw your post and I had been thinking about a lot of the same aspects.

Anyway--if I had gifts all the time I would probably have a bunch of stuff I don't need. Quality over quantity. It's not about obligation, but about something fitting for one's life.

Idk--it's not my highest, but I do tend to give gifts as an expression of love and it does end up misunderstood, for sure.

It's also taxing--it takes time and effort and sometimes money to give a gift. I get that it's not easy--it's not easy. If it were all the time it would be too much. Whereas with love languages like Quality Time, that can never be too much.

Also there is overlap. Acts of service can be gifts if thought of that way--especially something like a massage. Words of affirmation can also be gifts if written down into a poem or something--then they become an object that's exchanged. Even words of affirmation, I might treat something someone said like a gift and turn it over in my mind.

For me it probably goes Quality Time, Words of Affirmation/Gift-Giving, Touch, and then Acts of Service.

In some ways I feel like the complement is the most necessary for me, because of my blindspots--like Acts of Service might be one of the more useful love languages to meditate on and learn about because it's what I don't tend to notice first (or read into as being loving).
 

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By love language, do you mean compatibility?
Well... Mine is "Speaking truth at all costs at all times no matter whatever the situation. Speaking truth and being straightforward! no matter how much it upsets the other person"
I consider being honest as the highest form of respect. And respect is essential for true love (according to me)
That's my love language.

Did I find anyone like that?
No... Unfortunately not!
Not even my parents. I guess there's no person on this earth like that (except for me ofcourse) .
 

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By love language, do you mean compatibility?
Well... Mine is "Speaking truth at all costs at all times no matter whatever the situation. Speaking truth and being straightforward! no matter how much it upsets the other person"
I consider being honest as the highest form of respect. And respect is essential for true love (according to me)
That's my love language.

Did I find anyone like that?
No... Unfortunately not!
Not even my parents. I guess there's no person on this earth like that (except for me ofcourse) .
I wasn't sure what article to choose, but here's an article outlining the five love languages:

I agree with you that honesty is important though.
 
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