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Okay, first off I hated reading this description about type twos because I will admit to a lot of it being extremely accurate. The one thing that irked me the most was the part about type twos not realizing that they're manipulative, aggressive, etc. I am not a self-deceiving, I know I can be all of those things I will admit to hiding from others my "dark side." However, I can't hide this from myself. I am acutely aware of my flaws. I've had people tell me I have a strangely accurate perception of myself (those who really know me). I'm being totally serious here when I say I'm fighting to not make myself look like a total beotch in front of you random strangers, because I do care A LOT about my image. It's maddening really.

That all being said, I want to be a healthy type two. And I have had glimmers of it before. Short lived, but there still. So I'm not too sure how you be able to answer this but I will be totally grateful if you tried. How does one become a healthy type two? I want to be a genuinely altruistic person, so much. Thanks for reading, any feedback would be totally appreciated.
 

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Okay, first off I hated reading this description about type twos because I will admit to a lot of it being extremely accurate. The one thing that irked me the most was the part about type twos not realizing that they're manipulative, aggressive, etc. I am not a self-deceiving, I know I can be all of those things I will admit to hiding from others my "dark side." However, I can't hide this from myself. I am acutely aware of my flaws. I've had people tell me I have a strangely accurate perception of myself (those who really know me). I'm being totally serious here when I say I'm fighting to not make myself look like a total beotch in front of you random strangers, because I do care A LOT about my image. It's maddening really.

That all being said, I want to be a healthy type two. And I have had glimmers of it before. Short lived, but there still. So I'm not too sure how you be able to answer this but I will be totally grateful if you tried. How does one become a healthy type two? I want to be a genuinely altruistic person, so much. Thanks for reading, any feedback would be totally appreciated.

The short answer, try to let go (of the need to control).




 

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Why the fuck do you care about the descriptions anyway? Just cuz you're a two doesn't mean you have to be like the stereotype. I'm a 4 and I'm sooooo different than other 4s.
 

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To be honest, I agree with you with that opinion. Actually, it's extremely aggravating when you keep pushing yourself into these thoughts of perfection. However, I agree. This must be let go if you not only want to be a healthy type two but a healthy person in general.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
I understand where you're coming from, but the reason I care so much is because I DO fit the stereotype. I figure if other people out there fit it too, they may have some insight on how to be a happier, better person. @The Wanderering
 

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That all being said, I want to be a healthy type two. And I have had glimmers of it before. Short lived, but there still. So I'm not too sure how you be able to answer this but I will be totally grateful if you tried. How does one become a healthy type two? I want to be a genuinely altruistic person, so much. Thanks for reading, any feedback would be totally appreciated.
It's definitely a hard transition going from the manipulative stage to the genuinely helpful stage, and it's something that I struggle with on a daily basis. Just letting go (of people or of the manipulative side of myself) has never been good advice, at least not to me, because it's not as simple as that. Letting go of people leaves me depressed and lonely, and letting go of your innate tendencies isn't exactly as easy as saying it.

For me, it's never been about growing while separated from others, but rather growing with others. The biggest help for myself has been finding the people who make me feel loved and important regardless of how much I give them, and after that it's just been reading and discussing issues of type.

The former allows me to let myself out in little bits and pieces in relative safety, giving me the opportunity to be genuine instead of just putting the images on display. That being said, I do still wear all the different faces that I used to, because it's good to keep myself from being hurt by others I don't trust as much, and because it takes a lot of effort to let myself out from underneath them.

The latter has helped me accept myself on an objective, intellectual level, which after enough repetition seeps into an emotional acceptance as well. After having accepted who I am to some degree, it has been easier to realize when I'm being disingenuous and hold myself back from those actions that would be just for personal gain. This obviously isn't 100% effective, as I do still manipulate others (including my closest friends), but I do it more honestly, and I try to go back to them to apologize for not being fair to them.

It's a long process, and one that will probably take you a while to go through (if it's really a task that can truly be completed). I've only just started, myself, but I've made good progress and it certainly makes me feel good about myself, which motivates me to keep trying. You just have to get started on it, and you'll get the ball rolling.
 

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I'm not saying it is easy. It may even sound like 'suicide' or giving up (what you attempt to protect or secure) and counter-intuitive, as it is also discussed in this thread on the Type 8 forum. Which is what makes it difficult, because the behavioral strategies are based on fear and ego-defense. Although we are not always aware of that fear or shame or anger when we act on it, or that it actually controls us rather than the other way round. Usually, the stronger the fear, and related to that lack of confidence (in others, ourselves), the stronger the need to control.

So, I'd take it step by step... With succes being the best remedy. You may experience setbacks now and then, return to old habits (control, pride, whatever), for instance when a situation is new or unfamiliar -even in a good way, but uncertain with strong emotions involved, and feeling (increasingly) vulnerable... Unfortunately in a relation, things (like feelings, trust, confidence in self/others, expectations, faith) hardly ever develop or grow proportionately or mutually, or in a straight curve. So there will always be moments of insecurity and stress. Which kinda sucks, I know. To some extend fear (and stress) is healthy and necessary for survival, to steer clear from harm.

However, like with all other ennea-types fear can become a fixation and take control over us, and the more it controls us, the more we tend to cope with it trying to control either our environment or ourselves (actually both), using strategies that may have worked on the short term in a particular context, but on the long term, as we grow older and apply them to more and different situations, may become maladaptive. Meaning counterproductive, sometimes self-defeating or violating and disconnecting us from others, ourselves and from reality. Without reducing, and perhaps even reinforcing fears, like running in circles of selffulfilling prophecies, and interfere with the experiential process we call personal growth.

We can escape these cognitive-behavioral loops and deadlocks with a leap of faith, being prepared to accept some level of insecurity and vulnerability or risk, being wholehearted and courageous, at least when it is really needed. And if we can't make this jump, we need to reexamine our strategy, what we try to control and why we think the risk-assessment (fear) is realistic (is the situation really like former hangups?), and really outweighs the benefits of letting go of this need to control. (for instance what are the real costs of acting out of pride and how much do you really gain?)

A big problem to begin with is to admit to shame, fear or anger, and I think many people would rather just hear what to do, without needing to soulsearch and confront oneself with deepest fears, let alone talk about it. Which is totally understandable. So recognizing it is a step in the right direction. If you want to do it alone and by yourself, I would recommend Vipassan膩 meditation. That's how I helped myself, without any help or even knowing enneagram theory. But it's what Naranjo also recommends in combination with enneagram.
 

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I don't think it's really so easy as loving yourself. A healthy two is able to integrate to four. I think the most important aspect of being healthy as a two is a) being able to acknowledge what you want (what you need as well, but want is easier to identify and will help you meet your needs) and b) reminding yourself that YOU can give it to yourself. You don't have to wait for someone else to come along and grant all your wishes. Fours are naturally able to notice what's missing. Healthy twos should be able to see what's missing, what's keeping them from being happy, and go after those things on their own, without waiting for permission. I think the manipulative, deceptive twos are the ones who DON'T do this, who lie about their needs while waiting for others to read their mind and satisfy them, and getting meaner and more bitter all the time.
 
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