Personality Cafe banner

1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
For me, I realized that the most helpful thing for me to hear in a tough situation is advice that validates my feelings. It's a bit tough to explain, but I didn't realize this until I started analyzing my interaction with my close ISTJ friend. All aside, I think the words that really calm me the most from her are "it's okay, this isn't your fault at all so you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened."

That's just my own example, but how about for you guys? With my ISTJ friends in general, they usually give me a TON of information about something that happened, and then there's a pause and I feel/sense them waiting for my response. And regardless of my reply, I'm never quite sure if what I said helped them or validated their thoughts. Same thing with my brother, who is ISTx - I'm pretty sure he is ISTJ, with his J preference developing... but anyway, I just want to understand my ISTJ friends and my brother better and be more helpful?

So yeah! What kind of advice/validation do you guys find helpful? And when you rant to someone about your woes or concerns, what is the type of response you are generally looking for?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,477 Posts
For me, I realized that the most helpful thing for me to hear in a tough situation is advice that validates my feelings. It's a bit tough to explain, but I didn't realize this until I started analyzing my interaction with my close ISTJ friend. All aside, I think the words that really calm me the most from her are "it's okay, this isn't your fault at all so you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened."

That's just my own example, but how about for you guys? With my ISTJ friends in general, they usually give me a TON of information about something that happened, and then there's a pause and I feel/sense them waiting for my response. And regardless of my reply, I'm never quite sure if what I said helped them or validated their thoughts. Same thing with my brother, who is ISTx - I'm pretty sure he is ISTJ, with his J preference developing... but anyway, I just want to understand my ISTJ friends and my brother better and be more helpful?

So yeah! What kind of advice/validation do you guys find helpful? And when you rant to someone about your woes or concerns, what is the type of response you are generally looking for?
How to fix the problem or how to best move forward.

I've never been a fan of the consoling advice which is naive and just trying to be positive. I just think the person isn't really thinking of the problem, and I need to rant elsewhere.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
17 Posts
I don't like to take advice from others when I have a problem, actually. If I do take advice then I see myself as incapable of solving the problem by myself. By the time I have consulted someone else, however, it is almost certain that I already know what I want to do to fix the problem and have it all worked out in my mind. Usually I just go to someone because want validation for my feelings of frustration and that I am doing the right thing in choosing my course of action. I want to make sure that I am being rational and objective and I can get that from talking to someone who isn't involved. Basically, I want assurance that I have a right to my actions and feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I just figured out what the + button is for!

How to fix the problem or how to best move forward.

I've never been a fan of the consoling advice which is naive and just trying to be positive. I just think the person isn't really thinking of the problem, and I need to rant elsewhere.
This makes sense. I always felt that when I offered possible ways to fix the problem, I was most appreciated. :p On the other hand, when I would try to "console" my friend/brother and point out positive aspects, my friend/brother were kind of like "k.... thnx."

It's funny, though. I'm the complete opposite - when I'm ranting and someone starts telling me all the ways I can fix the problem or move forward, I think that the person is somehow disagreeing with my feelings and I start feeling a little upset, because I feel that my feelings about this situation aren't being validated. BUT, there are many times when I also seek advice on how to move forward/fix the solution.

Overall I agree with Wake. However, there are times when I just need to vent and don't need a solution.
YEAH! I sensed this sometimes as well. I'll start getting into the mentality of trying to think about how to fix a specific problem (because I get the general gist that this has worked before), but there were times when I'd offer this feedback, and my friend/brother would continue for several minutes straight w.o. listening to me. In general, what has worked so far in this scenario is for me to just nod my head, say "yes" once in awhile and be somewhat attentive. I usually won't interrupt with much input once I get the gist that this is vent/rant mode, but it's usually after the vent/rant is finished, I feel awkward. I feel the need to say something to emotionally validate their frustration, but it seems like they don't need or want it?

I don't like to take advice from others when I have a problem, actually. If I do take advice then I see myself as incapable of solving the problem by myself. By the time I have consulted someone else, however, it is almost certain that I already know what I want to do to fix the problem and have it all worked out in my mind. Usually I just go to someone because want validation for my feelings of frustration and that I am doing the right thing in choosing my course of action. I want to make sure that I am being rational and objective and I can get that from talking to someone who isn't involved. Basically, I want assurance that I have a right to my actions and feelings.
It's interesting how I can relate all the posts I've had with my ISTJ experiences. I've also noticed that sometimes my friend will come to me with something worked out, and she just runs this by me, "I sensed this... and I think this... what do you think?" and my input usually solidifies her opinion. I do the same thing with her too - I feel a certain way about something but I've internalized things so much, so I just need a really grounded objective input from her (the ST!).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,245 Posts
For me, I realized that the most helpful thing for me to hear in a tough situation is advice that validates my feelings.
A speech that validates my actions: "Given the circumstances, you made the right choice to do what you did."

When doing something I take in the facts surrounding a situation, then weigh the respective options against each other based on that information. I put in that effort because I want my judgment to be accurate and correct. I'd like to believe that it was the best solution I could've come up with under those circumstances.
 
  • Like
Reactions: niss

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,477 Posts
I don't like to take advice from others when I have a problem, actually. If I do take advice then I see myself as incapable of solving the problem by myself. By the time I have consulted someone else, however, it is almost certain that I already know what I want to do to fix the problem and have it all worked out in my mind. Usually I just go to someone because want validation for my feelings of frustration and that I am doing the right thing in choosing my course of action. I want to make sure that I am being rational and objective and I can get that from talking to someone who isn't involved. Basically, I want assurance that I have a right to my actions and feelings.
Normally when venting I too have a solution, and want to make sure my path forward is the correct one, but at the same time it hurts to keep the problem to myself.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top