I remember feeling that emptiness that comes with no religious/ spiritual beliefs. I became an athiest when I was in like 6 grade or so. I remember just doing it to follow in the steps my sister was taking, at first. As time went on I started noticing this hole developing inside myself during High School. I remember thinking whether I should turn my back on atheism and fall back on what I was raised on, Catholicism. I couldn't though, even with the hole growing bigger as time went on and that feeling of emptiness expanding, if I went back on my decision of not believing then it would have caused more regret in the future. Looking back now, I am glad to have stayed with my belief in atheism. If I didn't I wouldn't have developed my own sense of spirituality that I needed to fill that empty hole I created that was leading me into constant depression. I am free from religious beliefs of others that only cause rejection and dogma. It has been a little under a year since I formed my own since of spirituality and sometimes not know how to use it for the benefit of myself and others, I have come to accept and appreciate the hard work it requires for it to not slip away back into the aether. The more I use and believe in it the stronger I come to feel that my problems in reality are not really problems but an illusion that there is a problem.Dying for sure. I attribute the sheer feeling of terror to the fact that I was raised with no religion, all people claim to feel it but I don't know if most do as deeply because even though many reject their religious raising, they don't seem to *get* the terrifying feeling I have or relate fully.
This is more compounded since I'm the only parent as well for my son. I'm also afraid of never feeling whole and always searching for 'something'. It's quite annoying.