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Discussion Starter #1
Hi guys, this is my first post. I'm kind of obsessing right now and I need help.
I am a 4w3 and I have been dating a 5 for almost 3 months now. When we are in school every thing is great. I mean I would like him to text me more, but nothing major. However, when we go on school breaks he does not keep in touch (college)? It was not bad for thanksgiving because it was only a couple days and he asked me out right when he got back. But Christmas break is three weeks and not to be dramatic but I'm dying. He has stopped sending me Snapchats (he let our streak end!) and has not texted me first. I texted him merry Christmas and he replied but that has been it.

I guess my question is, should I reach out to him more or should I continue to give him his space?

I'm trying to not mess this one up because I actually like him. Any advise is appreciated. :)
 

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aw this is so cuteee. I'm not a 5 but I just wanted to say I used to think 5's were just like me, withdrawing but low-key wanting people to come to me. But 5's are actually really different and they withdraw for different reasons so it's good that you aren't assuming you know what he wants. But idk how to answer your question- if there are any 5's out there lmk because I want to know too. When I am in my 5 zone (I'm a 4w5) I just really feel like I could not go out into the world because I am not competent enough, but in my case it's more like, who I am is not good enough to be out in the real world. yeah idk if that helps...
 

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Yeah, 5's value personal space, as it gives us the opportunity to introspect and think about questions that preoccupy us. It probably wouldn't be disastrous to touch base again now, but going radio silent over a break isn't in itself cause for concern.
 

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If it's really an issue I would suggest telling him directly that you'd like to talk with him more. Personally, I don't like talking with other people if I can help it and I enjoy being alone. However, if I was dating someone who likes to talk every day, I would try to communicate more for their sake. Probably not everyday, but I'd definitely start messaging more.

So I think you should be upfront about it so you can resolve the problem.

If you keep messaging him without getting to the point he might get annoyed. I don't know him personally so this is just a suggestion.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you everyone!

It's not like I need to talk every day. I just like to know that he is still there and to show me that he still cares. I defiantly want to talk to him, but in person.
 

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As a 5 and an INTJ, I tend to obsess over the partner in initial stages of relationship. Sudden end of everyday communication may mean that I just need some space, work on things, I may be depressed and I'd rather not bother my partner during that time. Doesn't mean I don't love them anymore, it's just that at some point the obsession fades into something healthier, less intense and more stable.
If there is a problem, I need to be told DIRECTLY. I'm not a psychic. I can't fix problems I don't know about. So tell him, preferably without drama or accusations, just ask something like "hey, we used to talk every day and lately it's been less frequent. Is everything okay?" etc.
Granted, I don't know how old you guys are but I suspect less mature people may not be capable of honest and direct communication. So there may be a small chance that he's letting things slowly fade away and end, rather than taking responsibility and telling you honestly he's not interested in you anymore. I'd like to believe he's just 5 being 5 but some people are just jerks about relationships, no matter their type.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
So I finally texted him and asked why he does not text me and if everything is okay. However I forgot guys have a problem where they can only answer one of the questions. He did not tell me why he doesn't text me. Instead he just said he's okay and asked how my break has been.
I'm going to just assume that as a 5 he is simply trying to fix the problem to make me happy rather than explaining what's going on in his head?
 

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There are times when the honest answer to a question would be insensitive or rude, inviting unwanted reactions.

For example, if I were asked why I haven't texted my boyfriend my answer would be "because I didn't feel like texting you."

It's a plain-faced answer, but to some people it's interpreted negatively, implying some nefarious or callous intent and inviting other questions based on insecurity, like: "You don't feel like texting me? Why not? Am I boring? Am I not interesting enough to you? Have I done something wrong? Why are you being so inconsiderate? Don't you love me? Don't you enjoy texting with me?"

Enneagram type 5 isn't, by nature, an attachment type.

I enjoy my time away from significant other. The time away gives me a chance to feel that I miss particular characteristics of a person, or my partner. When we're again together, if enough time away has passed between us, I'm more likely to appreciate the person's presence and quirks in their personality. I can more fully show them how I feel when in their presence, as opposed to typing words that lack true substance and have no actual voice or tone. There are things that I'd much rather feel and express in person which lose their vitality in text. In a way, text is easy to disassociate with. It's easier for me to hear a person's voice, really, and then try to connect through that.

If someone wants too much of my attention, that's when I get tired of them. It's like instead of a relationship my brain is just getting notifications left and right that someone else has needs that they want me to fulfill. What about -my- needs? and it's not a crime that I can fulfill some of them on my own. It really isn't. Likewise, I want a person in my life to understand that I can't and won't be their whole world. It doesn't matter how much love there is between us, if I don't get breaks I will become an unpleasant version of myself. Spending energy on different people in my life and also on my own interests is a negotiation. If I'm not feeling that I've been able to replenish myself, or focus on other people or things that are also important to me in my life, I can begin to resent anyone tugging at my sleeve to replenish -them-.

Most people don't want this lengthy type of answer explaining things. Most 5s likely won't bother articulating it that much. The person in a 5's life wants to know what they can do to obtain what they want from the 5. Sometimes, with a 5, there are things you will want from the person that you just can't get, or can't immediately get. It's best to be direct, and to be patient while a 5 works out how to communicate their own explanation for their action. The feeling behind something may not be immediately apparent but the 5 will eventually figure it out.

That's the gist.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you. I really appreciate the depth of your response! All my friends are 2's so everyone keeps telling me to drop him because he obviously doesn't care if he isn't texting me everyday and that's what is making me nervous. But there's other parts of him that makes up for that lack of texting that they don't understand. I just like to hear that this is normal for 5's. I have only texted him 3 times in 2 weeks. I hope that is not too much, but if it is what ever - I'm pretty confident he will get over it when he sees me in person.
 

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Just speaking about myself, I'm pretty bad about this too. If someone doesn't message me first there is little to no chance of me messaging them unless I have a specific reason to do so. Personally, if you just want to touch base every day, I would try not to make it too in-depth; keep it casual. Maybe send them a random funny anecdote about your day, an interesting article, or maybe just a funny joke once a day. If it were me I'd actually rather enjoy that. It's a non-committal action from a social perspective, but it tells me more about that person in a way I would find interesting/endearing. Maybe don't always expect a response for this, but it's safe to assume they'll always read it and be thinking of you.
 

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I have only texted him 3 times in 2 weeks. I hope that is not too much, but if it is what ever - I'm pretty confident he will get over it when he sees me in person.
Oh, that's not too much!

I think what could be too much is that there could be other demands on the 5's attention at the same time. Perhaps, the 5 is overwhelmed. I mean, I don't know what he's doing while on break, but perhaps spending time with friends and/or family, or accomplishing some errands, that kind of juggling.

I can feel the frustration of wanting to be a part of it, a part of a person's life even at a distance, to still feel close somehow, and yet not having even a clue what's going on, which I say because I can feel frustrated when I want to know what's going on with my enneatype 9 friend but have heard nothing for awhile. My impulse for the longest time was to take it personally. I didn't know much about 9s and how to navigate their needs, how they're similar and how they're different from my own. I'm still learning. It made me realize how my mom feels when I haven't talked with her in awhile, heh!

When you said you're confident that he will get over it when he sees you in person it gave me a good chuckle, because you do sound confident and that's great! I wanted to high five you!

Likely, if you tell the 5 that you missed 'em and what you missed about 'em (including the conversations), there will probably be a moment of "I really missed you, too, and I'm sorry." once the realization hits the 5 about what you were feeling, and then there may be regret about not keeping in contact. It can improve the relationship for future times apart so that the 5 finds ways to manage and cope with it better to meet your needs and the 5's needs at the same time. A person who typically sustains their own emotional needs gets to learn the wondrous revelation of being wanted by another person, and having the opportunity to want/need what another person offers them, instead of handling so much on their own in their internal world. It's life changing.
 

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Can you not arrange a meet up just between the two of you? It sounds like you're trying to do everything in text.

You're better off asking these questions in person than through writing. He might not answer them wholly in person, and instead write you a long answer when he goes home, but at least he will get a better idea of how you truly feel. If you come across as needy and in-your-face, he might see you as sticky gum under the shoe he needs to scrape off. Instead, show how interested you are in his lifestyle and the things he is learning/studying, rather than focusing on how you feel. This way, you can also understand what he wants out of this relationship: perhaps he has commitment issues, and has run away in fear he's losing his independence.

Three texts in two weeks isn't many. I still opt to seeing him in person. Texting is small talk and usually something an E5 wouldn't invest time in. Savour what you have to say, then have a deeper conversation face-to-face. If he feels like he has nothing to contribute to communicating with you, he will randomly go silent. Don't take offense. If he discusses something with you and comes to realise he doesn't know as much as he thought, he will go home and religiously research what he didn't know even if there's no hope for that subject ever to arise again.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I have to wait until school starts again to see him in person :(.
I keep going through extreme moods. One second I want to give up on him and the next I'm willing to be patient. But it's hard to not lose interest in someone when they don't keep in touch. It almost feels like that's what he wants...
When he doesn't tell me what's on his mind I start to imagine all the possibilities.
 

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That's a good question... personally I had to hit rock bottom and be screamed at a lot as well before I finally made the choice to create more connections, and even then I had been doing it with certain people for years... I'm 41, and I probably text my GF more than she does me (she's an 8), though she does text me a lot as well. But I guess you'd have to say he has to want it, cultivate it and get there. It took me years to create motivation to do that. I know that doesn't sound great, but at least personally for me, I was happy when people reached out, and would often go weeks, wondering why someone I liked and had a good repoire with hadn't contacted me. I know that sounds ridiculous since I could have contacted them, but I guess my advice is if he really likes you, and unless he specifically says to stop contacting him, it may be fine to call on a much more regular basis, but average 5's like to rely on themselves, so they are not that likely to call, however if you call and ask his opnion on something, or even ask him to look into it, I'm sure he'd be happy to do the research for you, if he really is a 5.
 

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Maybe he's going through his personal problems and trying to sort things out? I kinda think it may have to do with his MBTI type too, as I personally wouldn't do detached to a person I'm really interested in (I'm INFJ). It's probably a good idea to ask him directly why he didn't try to keep in touch, but not in a needy or emotional way. Imho I think it's better to ask Enneagram 5 for their reasons of detachment while you're still not mad at them (lol, trust me, we suck at dealing with emotional outbursts). Enneagram 5 Thinkers probably have a more difficulty understanding why people need them so much, so you may need to explain to him that it's not appropriate to just disappear if he still wants to stay in a relationship. Being straightforward but calm is the best policy for the 5. :happy: Wish you luck.
 
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