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Okay, well I’m having trouble with a “friend”. She seems to have a really beautiful soul, and she’s very amusing. However, she gets on my nerves! She’s so duplicitous, and dishonest. I fathom she might be kind of insecure, and that in return makes me pity her. She always has these rude remarks concerning me, and I just try to laugh it off.

Right now, I just feel like taking her out of my life. However, that’s impossible since she hangs out with my close friends, so I cannot simply avoid her. I honestly am at lost. I don’t know what to do! She never seems to be like this around other people, she only acts this way around me. I’m so weary of always having to deal with her disrespectful statements. She really is lovely, but she suddenly changes and begins to abhor me. What is wrong with her?

I honestly don’t know how to deal with her. Can any of you help?
 

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I've had similar issues with a friend. I've never been able to figure out if it was due to insecurity or arrogance of some form, but I suspect both.

Also, keep in mind that many types of people truly cannot appreciate the sincerity and 'questing' outlook of an INFP. Some types find true authenticity and soul-searching annoying, and will try to gradually undermine it. It could also be that she's offended on some level by your natural INFP vulnerability (that seems to be an energy we give off), and is passive aggressively attacking you.

I wish I could say this type of problem with a friend will lead to a happy ending, but from my own experience, I can't say it will. You might eventually have to cut her out of your life if she's starting to make you feel bad. Friendship is supposed to lift you up, not cut you down. That's what frenemies are for.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I've had similar issues with a friend. I've never been able to figure out if it was due to insecurity or arrogance of some form, but I suspect both.

Also, keep in mind that many types of people truly cannot appreciate the sincerity and 'questing' outlook of an INFP. Some types find true authenticity and soul-searching annoying, and will try to gradually undermine it. It could also be that she's offended on some level by your natural INFP vulnerability (that seems to be an energy we give off), and is passive aggressively attacking you.

I wish I could say this type of problem with a friend will lead to a happy ending, but from my own experience, I can't say it will. You might eventually have to cut her out of your life if she's starting to make you feel bad. Friendship is supposed to lift you up, not cut you down. That's what frenemies are for.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and reply. As I've mentioned, I've tried my best to cut her out of my life but I can't because I will run into her anyways. I don't want to be in an awkward situation if I'm ever to come across her. She seems to be an ESXP, I'm not sure if she's a thinker or a feeler. I'm presuming she's a feeler, but I don't really know.

I'd like to confront her, but then I don't know if she'll take me seriously.
 

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Sounds to me like you're right and she's insecure which probably indicates she's jealous of you.

I think you'd be right to confront her rather than suffer in silence - but that doesn't mean you have to go towards her guns blazing. You can explain to her in an approachable manner that her comments sometimes hurt your feelings, even if they're not aimed to do so.

You say she is a lovely person and if this is the case I'm sure she'll take into consideration what you have to say. If she doesn't then I'm afraid sometimes with people like this you have to put up a mental barrier between you and this person. If you can come to realise the jibes are purely an issue on her part then it should be easier in time to take her comments less personally.

Let us know how things turn out for you. :)
 

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I think the best thing you could do is just talk about it with her. In my eyes I probably wouldnt just cut her off (you might miss an explanation and the chance of a friendship with someone nice).
In a conversation never say things like "YOU do this and that....!!" because it will only provoke defensive behaviour.
Instead just tell her how you feel in certain situations. No judgements, no unnecessary accusations
-and then just hear what she has to say :)
 

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One of my BEST friends (who is definitely an EF) do also tend to get on my nerves and she can be very rude too.

I've come the conclusion as you too mention, that it can be a kind of insecurity. For me to deal with her (I actually live with her. Often her EF'ness is a very good combination to my IF and we are great together) I have different strategies. One of MY biggest problems is that when I don't have the energy to laugh at her criticism and sometime rudeness, I can be very hurt by her.

But what works for me in my situation, is to first of all try to understand her and why she acts like she does. Helps a great deal. Besides that it helps to stay focused on your self and not be too overwhelmed by the sudden rudeness. Stay calm and do not let her affect you.

Okay I don't know if you can use this at all. :) I just think its some kind of insecurity in her that is triggered and then her defence mechanism takes over. Ask her why she act like she does. Keep your feelings in control :) try to focus on her without being to subjective. Understanding and courage to dig into her behaviour is the key I believe.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Sounds to me like you're right and she's insecure which probably indicates she's jealous of you.

I think you'd be right to confront her rather than suffer in silence - but that doesn't mean you have to go towards her guns blazing. You can explain to her in an approachable manner that her comments sometimes hurt your feelings, even if they're not aimed to do so.

You say she is a lovely person and if this is the case I'm sure she'll take into consideration what you have to say. If she doesn't then I'm afraid sometimes with people like this you have to put up a mental barrier between you and this person. If you can come to realise the jibes are purely an issue on her part then it should be easier in time to take her comments less personally.

Let us know how things turn out for you. :)
Thank you for taking the time to comment.

A few days ago I sent her a text message concerning how I feel when she acts that way. She didn’t reply yet, and I believe she never will. I think she took as a joke or a prank of some form, and I have a feeling she’ll never take me seriously.

I want to confront her orally, but I’m really bad at oral confrontations because I never seem sincere. I guess I’ll just have to deal with her annoying behaviors, and put up a mental barrier like you mentioned in your post.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
One of my BEST friends (who is definitely an EF) do also tend to get on my nerves and she can be very rude too.

I've come the conclusion as you too mention, that it can be a kind of insecurity. For me to deal with her (I actually live with her. Often her EF'ness is a very good combination to my IF and we are great together) I have different strategies. One of MY biggest problems is that when I don't have the energy to laugh at her criticism and sometime rudeness, I can be very hurt by her.

But what works for me in my situation, is to first of all try to understand her and why she acts like she does. Helps a great deal. Besides that it helps to stay focused on your self and not be too overwhelmed by the sudden rudeness. Stay calm and do not let her affect you.

Okay I don't know if you can use this at all. :) I just think its some kind of insecurity in her that is triggered and then her defence mechanism takes over. Ask her why she act like she does. Keep your feelings in control :) try to focus on her without being to subjective. Understanding and courage to dig into her behaviour is the key I believe.
Yes, same here! I get along really nice with her, but sometimes I just can’t stand some of her remarks. Like you mentioned, I cannot laugh at her criticism and sometimes insolence as well, and at times I get hurt by her remarks.

I’m trying to understand why she acts the way she does, and I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s insecure. I believe I haven’t done anything wrong on my part, so I may not be the one to blame, but of course I’m not leaving myself out as a factor to her remarks. Perhaps, I am doing something unintentionally.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
just call her out on it and make her feel embarrassed. there's nothing that works better.
I would do that, but I can't as there would be no difference between me and her.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I think the best thing you could do is just talk about it with her. In my eyes I probably wouldnt just cut her off (you might miss an explanation and the chance of a friendship with someone nice).
In a conversation never say things like "YOU do this and that....!!" because it will only provoke defensive behaviour.
Instead just tell her how you feel in certain situations. No judgements, no unnecessary accusations
-and then just hear what she has to say :)
Thank you for taking the times to reply to my post.

Yes, well I’m tried by best to be assertive in the text that I’ve sent her. She hasn’t replied yet, and I guess she’s dismissing it as a joke or some kind of prank.

Sigh.
 

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Okay, well I’m having trouble with a “friend”. She seems to have a really beautiful soul, and she’s very amusing. However, she gets on my nerves! She’s so duplicitous, and dishonest. I fathom she might be kind of insecure, and that in return makes me pity her. She always has these rude remarks concerning me, and I just try to laugh it off.

Right now, I just feel like taking her out of my life. However, that’s impossible since she hangs out with my close friends, so I cannot simply avoid her. I honestly am at lost. I don’t know what to do! She never seems to be like this around other people, she only acts this way around me. I’m so weary of always having to deal with her disrespectful statements. She really is lovely, but she suddenly changes and begins to abhor me. What is wrong with her?

I honestly don’t know how to deal with her. Can any of you help?
When I had cats, my friends told me cats couldn't be trained, but they were wrong. Dogs are easy to train because usually they try to figure out why you're saying, "No." (I think; I know about cats because I never had a dog xD) Cats, to be trained, need very direct cause-and-effect discipline. When a cat's on the table, you clap your hands loudly to get them to jump. You don't wait until they've jumped down to punish them; they won't understand why you're doing that.

I think a lot of people are the same way. If you tell them, "I don't like it when you're rude to me," out of the blue, they will probably ignore you. But if they've said something rude and you say immediately, "Hey, that was rude," they are likelier to apologize.

If you can muster up the courage to call her out, gently, but firmly, right after she says something you don't like, perhaps with time she won't say those things as much anymore around you. Especially if you've tried to address the issue with her, enforcing your desire could be very productive. She'll know you are serious.

I know that's still oral confrontation, but for me, it's been so much less stressful and so much more effective than confronting someone with a couple of paragraphs out of the blue. No one will shame you for being assertive, especially if they're noticing that she's being bothersome as well. They may join you to gently discourage her from saying things like she does.

Sometimes I've been the described friend, come to think of it. xD I'm an introvert, but I think my Fe is pretty low. I mean well, but sometimes I say things I don't mean. My acquaintances take offense; my friends call me out, and I am actually grateful my friends do that, because I'm very oblivious and I do not want to hurt them or anybody else, either. D:

But I am not this friend, obviously. Even more obviously, your friend is not a cat. (... I hope. ;) ) This is just my experience I share.
 
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