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Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

I am child abuse survivor. I am a 6w5, and suspect my sister may be a 6w7 (we don't talk anymore, but she is a *huge* conformist). My parents, though, are harder to type. My dad abused me, and my mother enabled him (by not saving me and my sister as children, defending him- to the end- she would say shit like "At least he's not a cheater" or "At least he's not a child molester".) And yes, she really did say those two statements. Here is a description of the two:

Abusive Father: He is a very black and white man. Deeply religious, and prejudiced against those who don't subscribe to his faith (he probably knows by know that I lost my faith- I'm probably on his death wish list for it, too). Everything is either right or wrong with him. He is suspicious to the point of being paranoid. Has the world's worst temper: will yell, swear, threaten (and at times commit) violence, threaten murder (thank god this has not happened). He is psycho, and belongs in the mental ward. He says he doesn't need friends, doesn't want strangers in his home, did not allow me to have any kind of social life growing up, etc. He showed affection only if I made him proud (like by getting good grades, etc). If I didn't comply with him, or challenged him (I do that when threatened), he would either yell at me, hit me, or both. I've always thought he was an unhealthy type 1, but I didn't think that type had such an explosive temper, usually.

Enabling Mother: Complies with *everything* her hubby says, for fear of being abused. Has a stable job that she's been in for decades, but won't leave because her faith disallows remarriage after divorce. She is also black and white about her faith, but shows her prejudice in a more quiet way than my dad does towards religion. Got a lot of useless advice from her like, "Pray for your father" and "Be cheerful and people will like you". She admitted that she's been praying for him to change for years (it's not happening, woman). She seems to be in self-deluded state, having convinced herself that things are not as bad as they really are. She has resigned herself to her life. Another reason she won't get divorced is because, in her words, "I deserve a house" (she fears losing it- come on, it's in *your* name, and in N. America, the judge usually gives the woman the house, among other things). So, she doesn't want her standard of living to go down. I can't even guess what type she is- possibly an unhealthy two, as one of her strategies is to try and be generous with her time (like listening to people talk, etc). But she's pretty terrible at helping, so probably not a two. Also, she has bad OCD- that she refuses to get help for. She has been that way for over 50 years, too (since her teens). She once said, "I'd be bored without my OCD". Her rituals are messed up, trust me.

Anyone want to take a (figurative) stab at these two?
 

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I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a tough life with parents who gave you such difficult time :(......I have a hard time tying these behaviours to a specific type, but they all sound like they're in unhealthy levels (lvl 7 & below)
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Looking at my mother again, I'm also wondering if type 4 could be a possibility for her. She doesn't believe in wallowing in depression- so she says. But she wallows in her mental illness like you wouldn't believe, and again, refuses to get help.
 

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I wouldn't be looking at any specific type and focusing more on your parents background. Abuse is something that is carried over from previous family upbringing, the same can be said for enablers. This isn't type related, it has everything to do with how they were raised, their parents, surroundings and environment. I think you will find some interesting data if you trace back the history of your parents, their parents, siblings etc. Likely they are all connected somehow.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
You are right, there are background issues. Both were raised by strict discipliniarians. My late grandmother (maternal) also developed OCD- after my mother got it (huge genetic potential in my family for that disease. Mother was socially isolated by her mother, who was paranoid.
 

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You are right, there are background issues. Both were raised by strict discipliniarians. My late grandmother (maternal) also developed OCD- after my mother got it (huge genetic potential in my family for that disease. Mother was socially isolated by her mother, who was paranoid.
Background information usually explains a lot of behaviour about people. I'm sorry to hear you had to endure all these things, no child should have to suffer from the hands of unstable parents. The upside to that is you are intelligent enough to recognize this pattern and hopefully will change that within your own family dynamics in the future, starting new family values. Leaving happy memories for your kids etc.
 
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I think one sounds fair for your father. I think four is possible for your mother, but nine could work too. At very low levels, she could be a nine who has taken on her husband's traits as a defensive measure.

As a side note, I'm pleased to see you've distanced yourself from these two and recognize their role in all this.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you for your input. Background issues (genetics, environment) absolutely play a role. I think type can play a role too (i.e. it may influence the specific way in which someone may abuse/enable another). So I would say there may be some relevance as far as type goes. Also, some people can really influence others. To say my mother has been "influenced" by my father is, again, putting it mildly.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I think one sounds fair for your father. I think four is possible for your mother, but nine could work too. At very low levels, she could be a nine who has taken on her husband's traits as a defensive measure.

As a side note, I'm pleased to see you've distanced yourself from these two and recognize their role in all this.

You know, my mother could be an unhealthy nine. She often tried to be a peacemaker- and failed at it miserably. She liked to quote the Bible verse, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall inherit the earth". That seemed to be her motto.

Yikes, unhealthy 1 with an unhealthy 9= a match made in the lowest levels of hell. That low-functioning 9 is going to get *stomped on* by an unhealthy 1.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Another thing: shame motivates this woman. For example, she is embarrassed by her OCD (told me so herself), and says that is one of the reasons she won't get help, because "No one will really understand." She allegedly tried to get help in the 70s and it failed miserably (surprise, surprise). But it is not 1975 anymore, hasn't been for some time, and information about this disease has improved, so while it is a complicated problem (I've had it myself, more episodically) there is *way* more understanding on how to help people who have OCD than 35-40 years ago. She makes *a lot* of excuses to avoid change, and is a very unmotivated person.

I'm not happy with my so-called "mother" today. :(
 

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Omg... Whats your age ? Did you quit this environnement ? how do you feel that situation ? These type of situation are kind of worst for children... Plz talk to our sister, she seem denying herself, try make it just aware of how she feel, because she seem in the route of your mother.

After that your mother 6w7 co-dependent PD (I think codependence is a 6 problem not a 2 one contrary to enneagram...), father ???? 1w9 or 6w5, unhealthy at least, narcissistic (if 1) or covert narcissistic (if 6).

My family is the same lol, even there is no aggression and its far less serious, its based exactly on the same shema. Codependence-narcissist. How delusionned I was, when I came to be aware of that . aware that there is same very tendency in myself too.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
@ no_id

I'm 30. I've been outta there for years (how young did you think I was? I like being told I sound twenty-something. Any-wayyy....).

The events took place from age 3-22, with diminishing violence in the adult years (the threats, yelling, and emotional abuse never stopped, or slowed down, even).

Father is an overt narcissist. He has a *massive* superiority complex. He thinks others are jealous of him (hell, no!). I would pick 1w9 over 6w5 for him, given those those two options.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
... Plz talk to our sister, she seem denying herself, try make it just aware of how she feel, because she seem in the route of your mother.
I miss my sister like you wouldn't believe, but it is unsafe for me to be in contact with her right now, because I think she may still be living there (she is almost 29, but is afraid to live alone. What about her "many friends"- she can live with some of them, no?).

I do want to get back in touch with her some way eventually, if/when safe. She has disclosed very private secrets about me to my parents before. She also used to play mind games with me about reading my diary (eg. making me guess if she'd read it a certain day or not, etc). Don't know what motivated that behaviour. How do you ever trust someone who has repeatedly broken your trust in serious ways???

I don't ever want my sister- or anyone else I know- to become like my mother. I am more disabled, health-wise, than she is, and I am better able to function than her.
 

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1w9 seem more likely, yes. Question about age was just curiosity, I cant determine the age of a person just looking at the post :D


He thinks others are jealous of him
Narcissistic PD. You can do nothing. Too late. He is grandiose. What he do for the world is grandiose. Even his paranoia is grandiose.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Self-love, Narcissism, Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Relationships with Abusers, Stalkers, and Bullies - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited
 

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I miss my sister like you wouldn't believe, but it is unsafe for me to be in contact with her right now, because I think she may still be living there (she is almost 29, but is afraid to live alone. What about her "many friends"- she can live with some of them, no?).

I do want to get back in touch with her some way eventually, if/when safe. She has disclosed very private secrets about me to my parents before. She also used to play mind games with me about reading my diary (eg. making me guess if she'd read it a certain day or not, etc). Don't know what motivated that behaviour. How do you ever trust someone who has repeatedly broken your trust in serious ways???


Idk in this case... You know my bro is a bit like that (but just superficially compliant and insidely have emotionnal problem/ambivalance he try to repress - for your sister it seem thats too much ingrained), sometime when ppl open about what they really feel you can find ground, and see that was finally not the person you imagine.

Don't know what motivated that behaviour.
God (ie father) acceptance. Thats classical in this type of conflict. And you are u healthy ? You seem grounded at least.
 
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Discussion Starter #18
@ no_id

Holy fucking hell (can't put it any other way).

You got that right. His paranoia is grandiose. I'm surprised he doesn't think he's the Pope or some other holy figure. He once bragged about how he deliberately sings loud in church, because "God is especially happy with that, and more likely to to take you to heaven". Where, in his religion, does it say *that*? Nowhere. He cherry picks the strict rules of his faith, and comes up with even stricter, more extremist standards of his own to follow.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
@no_id

You think Daddy may have been the reason she likes mind games? Maybe. She is depressed, but hides it. Has OCD, and self-harms (or she used to- and tried to cover that up for many years before telling me about it).

I'm quite ill myself. I have chronic pain and a myriad of mental health problems (I bet the stress did that to me- mind and body are *absolutely* connected). I am seeking help, though- I can't live the way I have been.
 

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Imo, and just imo you should tickle his emotionnal side or problem... I like to think that when problematic ppl come to cry when speaking about their problem, they touch their real self, not the usual facade they display. In a vast majority of case these person deny herself and accumulate emotionnal inconsistency (I too, lol.). I recommend you to read about OCD (neuroticism, obsessionnal nevrosis more than current psychiatrist view wich lead to nothing in human term), or about co-dependency and narcissistic relationship.

You think Daddy may have been the reason she likes mind games?
I was reffering the disclosing secret part

I'm surprised he doesn't think he's the Pope
Perhaps he does x)
 
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