Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Imagine this scenario - someone you know (acquaintance or friend, but not a close friend or family member) wrote you an email to you about you.

What words would crush you? What could this someone have possibly said to have crushed you and to thrown you into depression and confusion and feelings of guilt and worthlessness? (Someone I know who is an ENFx recently posted a status about this on her blog, where a friend's friend sent her a letter saying some things about her. and I'm wondering, what could have been said about her that was so bad, that made her crumble like this). Any thoughts or insight? I've always seen ENFx as unshakeable in this sense.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
"You're so insincere."

I've never had anyone say this, but I always fear that someone will. I sometimes think that when I tell people that I love them, they don't believe me because I tell so many people this. The truth is, though, that I actually DO think about these words and make sure that I'm feeling them before I say them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hm, thanks for the insight. As an INFJ, I think if someone said that to me, I would be crushed as well. To even think about someone I love saying I am insincere is painful, so I relate to what u wrote.

is there something that would just throw an ENFJ (or ENFP) into a sense of worthlessness, guilt, fear and a loss of confidence? This is what happened to the person I know and I can't imagine at all what could've been said to her. Ive been so surprised at this person's behavior because she always struck me as confident and so sure of herself, but now I see her wavering in feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I guess perhaps someone pointed out something about her, but I'm curious as to how and why this had such a huge impact on her. I guess maybe a better title would have been "what words would destroy your confidence?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,063 Posts
"You're an hypocrite."

"You are annoying."

"Stop being so stupid."

"You ruined everything."

It depends on the person, the circumstance and the way it is said.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,473 Posts
Hm, thanks for the insight. As an INFJ, I think if someone said that to me, I would be crushed as well. To even think about someone I love saying I am insincere is painful, so I relate to what u wrote.

is there something that would just throw an ENFJ (or ENFP) into a sense of worthlessness, guilt, fear and a loss of confidence? This is what happened to the person I know and I can't imagine at all what could've been said to her. Ive been so surprised at this person's behavior because she always struck me as confident and so sure of herself, but now I see her wavering in feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I guess perhaps someone pointed out something about her, but I'm curious as to how and why this had such a huge impact on her. I guess maybe a better title would have been "what words would destroy your confidence?"
I think that an ENFJ loses confidence whenever, we get rejected and that includes that our ideas get rejected. We hunger for relationships that are reciprocal no matter if they are intimate or just everyday friendships. When a relationship doesn't appreciate us I think that affects us. Another big confidence dropper is when we give to people and spend money and time. Then the person calls us "selfish" since we are more introspective cautious this cuts like a diamond on glass. Not being a "Teamplayer".

I will say personally the biggest shutdown conversation has happened twice to me as an ENFJ.
I was in serious relationship and I began fishing after a year about proposing to a girl. We started discussing the idea of marriage and she said she wasn't ready to marry for a awhile. She couldn't see marrying me right now. Well...we broke up and two weeks later she was dating my friend and two weeks from then they were engaged! Talk about a kick in the pants that really changed me. I was very depressed for 2 months. Cheating is another one because I would never do it.If someone calls me a liar or cheater that hurts too!

Now flipping that if you challenge me that can't do something I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong. My personal quote to not be able to do something."Watch Me."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
basically, if you make us feel like you don't need us.
or that we're not good enough.
or that we've failed at being there for you.
or, any form of rejection.
we like to make others happy, so when this isn't the case, we get spiraled into a state of complete confusion and depression, we just want everything to be okay :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
in my expereince

I am new to Personality Cafe so this is my first post :)

In my experience the worst thing said about me by a good friend of over a year was, "being friends with Heather (me) is easy I just listen and she does all the rest of the work in the friendship."


I learned boundaries because of that and to check my concept of a person with a trusted friend since I have realized I see positive in anyone and miss realistic evaluation of people sometimes.
 

·
MOTM Feb 2011
Joined
·
8,080 Posts
"You seem superficial" - this would hurt if someone said it, as I believe myself to be very genuine, and when I say something I really mean it, unless I am being sarcastic.:unsure:

Basically anything that suggests that I am incapable at what I feel I do best, or what defines me.

That I am a bad friend.

The problem with being ENFJ is that you are very sensitive to criticism and anything that you could perceive as negative, you read into stuff alot, and analyse what you think people meant, you interpret what you think people's body language meant, the look on their face, their tone of voice may sound a little off.
Far out I have gotten myself tied in knots sometimes trying to figure some peoples comments out, and their possible motives.:confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
I’d look at the ENFX’s motives for making her hurt feelings a status update. Why would she post this information? Her feelings could’ve gotten hurt and she's posting it as her status to get support from her friends? Or maybe she posted it just to release her hurt feelings? If the friend that wrote the hurtful letter reads her blog she could be hinting that the friend owes her an apology? Or she could be enacting revenge by painting the friend in a bad light by making it public? ...us ENFX’s can be pretty cunning. ;)

Substantively, the letter could be about anything.

Personally, despite the fact my Fe is very dominate I don't let myself be crushed by anyone or anything. I've had temporary set backs were someone has been a jerk and/or said something mean, but ultiimately their behavior is not my problem...it's their problem. She probably just needs to vent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,834 Posts
Nothing an acquaintance or friend said could hurt me.

First of all, why would I give a sh*t what an "acquaintance" thinks about me?

Second, all of my current friends have been in my life for over 15yrs. If any of them had something critical to say, it would be done out of love and respect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Last Christmas, I hand wrote a letter to my friend (who is an ENFJ, too), about my concern for her drinking problem. She lives out of state so I don't see her often but I explained that I was very concerned because every time she called she was drunk or high, she had been in several abusive relationships and she called me at 2am in a drunken/drugged state of mind that really troubled me a great deal for her physical and mental well being. I explained to her in my letter very carefully and thoroughly that I genuinely care about her; that's she's a very good person with a big heart, a talented artist, kind and caring who has a good sense of humor but her drinking was leading her down a destructive path. I didn't call her an alcoholic outright but it didn't take a genius to figure out what I was saying. I avoided sounding "preachy" or lecturing because that doesn't do any good but I was honest and reaffirming of my friendship to her. Sadly, I haven't heard anything back from her, I even sent her a birthday card in May but to no avail. I've known her for many years and I don't doubt she's hurt and perhaps even angry with me while possibly thinking I've "abandoned" her as a friend. That couldn't be further from the truth.
If there is something that would shatter anyone's ego, regardless of being an ENFJ, it's the hard, cold truth because she knows in her heart that she has a problem but she's in denial. Perhaps ENFJ's take "perceived insults" more to heart than other types but as a friend I couldn't remain silent any longer. We are known to be very loyal and although she may be pissed at me, I'm still here. :sad:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
I really really hate being told that I am "Too Much". I still have no idea what that means...
 

·
MOTM Feb 2011
Joined
·
8,080 Posts
It would also crush me (and has) if someone just shut me out of their life with no explanation or good bye. I would wonder for ages what went wrong and if it was something I could have fixed or changed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
You are Fake
You Disappointed Me
You Let me Down
YES!!! Awful words. I recently lost a friend -- as in, they are no longer my friend anymore. I had the experience described... I couldn't get out of bed because the words she had said stung so horribly.

Here's kind of what happened:
I'm a typical ENFJ who tends to avoid conflict. I was going through the worst traumas of my life and needed my dear friend. She wasn't there. I would call, text, fb message -- nothing. It hurt. I had been there for her when her dog died a few months prior... My father was severely ill and she wasn't there for me! I knew that I shouldn't avoid conflict, that I needed to express my feelings as soon as I felt them. So I wrote her a message that only said these words, "I'm not gonna lie, it hurts my feelings that haven't responded to my messages while I'm in so much pain." She went ballistic.

How I felt:
I was completely taken aback -- I thought I had lost all my crazy friends in, like, 7th grade! People in their 20s don't get reactions like this from friends unless don't choose them wisely. I felt like I was going through puberty all over again and it was my own fault. I also felt like my effort to change -- by not avoiding conflict -- was an utter failure.

Also, her words were partially true lies. They had the appearance of truth, but were the farthest thing from being true. Her verbal language was abusive, using "!!!!", "you" words, ALL CAPS, and phrases like "I'M disappointed in YOU", and "How DARE you!!!" Okay, I realize it looks/sounds so immature. This is what made it hurt so bad. I couldn't believe all this time I had been friends with such an immature person and hadn't seen it. It made me question everyone in my life. I don't know another person who is this way, is this because she slipped through the cracks in my radar or because I am completely blind? I felt like I couldn't talk about the traumas I was going through with anyone. The language was abusive. Being a sensitive ENFJ, the words stung like HELL. If it had been a stranger, it would have been different, but it was someone I trusted.

Things she said:
She brought up the most sensitive subject -- my hospitalized father -- and used it against me. She brought up every negative thing I have ever said about my father in my entire lifetime. Being an ENFJ, this things were already haunting me. She judged every tiny thing I have ever said or done. I haven't done many bad things, so they were tiny things, like the occasional gossip that I shared. I'm pretty sure that every sin I have ever committed or mistake I have made in our 10 year friendship was mentioned. She accused me of being manipulative, of trying to make her feel guilty. She mentioned every instance of happiness I have felt, and said I was a sick person for being happy while my dad was in the hospital. She said I didn't care about my dad and only cared about myself. All from saying that one line, "I'm not gonna lie, it hurts my feelings that you haven't responded to my messages."

What I did:
I responded to her message ignoring all the awful things she had said. I focused on the point. I asked if my line had made her believe I was about to emotionally attack her. I said that I wasn't going to attack her, I was simply sharing my feelings so we could discuss what happened and I could better understand the situation. I explained that she knows me very well, and she knows that I love my father more than anyone and none of those things are true. She didn't respond, and deleted me from facebook, her cell phone, etc and will never speak to me again. It is ridiculously immature, but hurts all the time. It makes me feel naive and stupid.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you fellow ENFJers let things go? I really need to work on this!
 

·
MOTM Feb 2011
Joined
·
8,080 Posts
I told my friend about this, about how awful it made me feel. Later, she was too preoccupied to speak to me for weeks/months. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't there for me. She wrote me a long message about how disappointed she is in me, about how I am self-absorbed

Has anyone experienced something similar? I guess I have always wanted to see the best in people, so I ignored this fault in my friend for many years.
Yes! How judgemental. I have also been shat on by 'friends' like this. They aren't worth the trouble are they?
 
  • Like
Reactions: smiley

·
Registered
Joined
·
207 Posts
Does anyone else have this problem? How do you fellow ENFJers let things go? I really need to work on this!
When I was 20, my best friend wrote me a horrible 'break-up' letter where he told me he thought I was a social-climber and a pathetic loser who only cared what other people thought of me and who had never really been there for him as a friend... his parting words were: "As a friend, you are dumped. Got it? Good. P.S. your sister is ugly"

I know this sounds completely immature and kind of ridiculous. But it crushed me. The parts about me kind of hurt- but the thing about my sister just killed me. My older sister is not ugly by any means- but she was always kind of nerdy and too mature for kids her age and she had a really hard time socially in school... I was always protecting her and standing up to people who might hurt her- so this comment of his really hurt me- he knew how I felt about people picking on my sister. And to see him go out of this way to toss in a mean comment about her tore my heart out. Like you said- to see my friend's true colours was so shocking and disappointing... no one can hurt you like a close friend or family member can.

At the time this all happened, I was going through a clinical depression and I just about crumbled. 4 years later- my friend came over to my house and apologized, leaving me a 10 page letter about how he had been going through some really intense stuff at that time (coming out as gay to very conservative parents) and felt I wasn't there for him enough- but later he realized I had been one of the only ones there for him- but was going through a depression and couldn't fully be there. He said he regretted it every day for the past 4 years. I took a little while to come around, but I forgave him and so did my sister- but he'll never hold that same spot in my heart that he did- because I know that he can be deliberately cruel and that disgusts me.

I would get the most hurt if someone said something hurtful about someone I love. If they are talking about me, I can get over it- because my self-esteem is rather healthy. :crazy:
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top