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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, just wondering what your experience has been in cutting people off? A lot has been mentioned on the INFJ doorslam, and how permanent it can be, so looking for boundaries that need to be crossed in order for you to cut someone off.

As for me, am normally quite patient with family or friends who have offended me - if they apologize am normally willing to accept them back into my life. However, repeated offenses or people who just won't listen to me and do things that I still find upsetting or angers me warrants a more permanent cut off. I just won't want anything to do with that person anymore. If I see them or bump into them, I don't want open conflict so may be civil but won't want the relationship to go any further after that meeting.

If I'm stressed out I might 'cut off' people who have upset me for a few weeks or months. It may appear I may have cut them off, but in reality it's cos I'm coping with my own stuff and haven't got the energy or resources to cope with responding to them, if the previous conversation ended badly. So, in reality, am still open to the relationship and haven't yet cut them off.

If a girl has a crush on me, or appears interested but I'm not interested in them I might start to avoid them, or lessen contact. It may be appear that I've cut them off, but it's not easy to deal with someone who has feelings for you and you don't reciprocate. I think it'll also to do with letting them down gently and not getting their hopes up so they can meet someone else who reciprocates their feelings. Unrequited love is painful, and INFJ are very sensitive to pain, so the sooner they can get their feelings off you and on to another guy the better for everyone. If I girl likes me, and I don't like them, I have never changed my mind no matter how many weeks, months or years pass since she made her feelings known. I think my strong Ni makes me know deep down whether this person will work out or not in the long term, and so for her to hang around would not be good for anyone.

Just being friends is also going to be difficult, as once she makes her intentions are out I read into every little thing she does as something that is aimed at moving my heart. Fe is secondary to Ni, so there is a lot of pressure to be in a relationship to please her (Fe), even though it may go against my values/beliefs (Ni).
Fe can indeed be moved by displays of love, interest, and affection, but the problem is if the feelings are in conflict with my Ni.
This causes me to stress out, and before long a more permanent breakaway or breakdown in the friendship is the only solution unfortunately. Relationships based on Fe rather than Ni have never worked or lasted very long for me. I found that my admirers find it hard to fall out of love with me, and so for their own good it means not being in contact anymore, which is sad, 'cos now I've lost a good friend too!
 

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Ugh, I feel like there's too many to list.

- People that treat you like an emotional punching bag. We all struggle to cope in our own ways, but some people are just so hostile and often treat their friends or partners worse than they treat strangers. You can talk to me, you can vent to me, but you can't take it out on me.

- Patient syndrome. A lot of my first interactions with people often involve helping them through a tough spot. It's only natural that afterwards they would either have a favourable impression of me, perhaps feelings of affection, and just generally pursuant of something more (closer bond or what have you). Sadly, I feel the original circumstances of our meeting effectively taint anything that may come from it afterwards. In other words, are you just clinging to me because I'm the only arm that reached out to you when you were drowning? Once I bring them ashore, I basically close the door and eventually drift away.

- If they have a negative impression of me I'm not going to fight to correct it, I'll let it stand no matter what it is and may in fact act out to help them reinforce it to further sever that tie.

I'll leave it there for now~
 

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You hit the nail on the head with the aspect of things having built up over a period of weeks and months before taking action.

With me, I'd go along with 'business as usual' for the longest time until the little score-keeper in my head warns me that the bad moments are outweighing the good ones.

Once things get to be toxic, it's only natural for one to rid themselves of the source.
It's even harder to start anew with them with a clean slate, whilst all of the bad moments are replaying themselves in our subconscious. I'd probably be more forgiving if I could turn off the memories that stay vivid, but then I'd be letting down my defenses at the same time.
 

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It's the accumulative effect, little something here and there that I could not even recall (very weak Si). One day I'd decide that it's enough.

Family: I can't cut off but fortunately no one in my family would irritate me to that point.

Friends: using an old fashion word to describe would be that I "cut" that person. It's a way to politely ignore someone if I bump into him/her. Simply put, it's a way to allocate a person further out of my awareness zone while being cordial but distant.

Romance: this is the thorniest. The realization that it's a dead end and being disillusioned is disheartening. I'd wait for him to make a faux pas to give me an excuse to bow out.

Overall, I don't believe in being hostile or antagonistic. No matter what, no one is perfect. I am sure there are ppl who can't stand me for whatever reasons, too.
 

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I've only done the doorslam twice, to ex-boyfriends who were abusive. Exes who aren't abusive I will still communicate with. If my friends have been getting on my nerves (like other people say, little accumulative stuff) and then do something slightly "bigger" to annoy me, I'll back off--just not contact them while I'm feeling pissed--but I don't doorslam; usually a few weeks on they'll give me an invitation to something and I'll decide I've had enough space from them for now.

There have been times when I have "temporarily" doorslammed my parents when they were being unsupportive but as soon as they apologized and I felt like they heard me and I felt supported I un-doorslammed.
 

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I know it when it happens. It's not like it's a single thing that causes it to happen, people talk about the doorslam like it's some marked transition of a binary switch that gets turned. Everyone gets fed up eventually and looses the drive to make a place in their life for someone. That's all it is. We may be 'people people', but we're introverts and we don't feel socially obligated to hold on to a lot of relationships, especially if we're only going to pay for it.
 

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I know it when it happens. It's not like it's a single thing that causes it to happen, people talk about the doorslam like it's some marked transition of a binary switch that gets turned. Everyone gets fed up eventually and looses the drive to make a place in their life for someone. That's all it is. We may be 'people people', but we're introverts and we don't feel socially obligated to hold on to a lot of relationships, especially if we're only going to pay for it.
Well the "doorslam," how I interpreted it, is a binary thing--or it has been the two times I applied it. Then there's the letting-people-drift-out-of-your-life thing, which happens a lot more often. There are tons of relationships I don't feel like I want hold on to, but if that person were to contact me, want to meet at a cafe, Facebook message me or whatever, it wouldn't be an automatic no and I would likely be very open to it. If someone's been doorslammed that is not going to happen. Usually for a "doorslammed" person, I try to make even contacting me really difficult (through blocking, avoiding, etc).
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
- Patient syndrome. A lot of my first interactions with people often involve helping them through a tough spot. It's only natural that afterwards they would either have a favourable impression of me, perhaps feelings of affection, and just generally pursuant of something more (closer bond or what have you). Sadly, I feel the original circumstances of our meeting effectively taint anything that may come from it afterwards. In other words, are you just clinging to me because I'm the only arm that reached out to you when you were drowning? Once I bring them ashore, I basically close the door and eventually drift away.
I completely know where this is coming from. I looked back at a lot of my friendships, and so many of them seem almost one-sided in the help/receiving help category. I don't know if it is because INFJ are natural at understand and helping others, and really seem to go all out to help them. Whereas, being on the receiving end it is much more difficult, as firstly INFJs are so complex and even though our friends may want to help us, there is always going to be such disconnect between what they say and where we are. Or maybe we haven't let them in enough to know the full extent of our complexity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well the "doorslam," how I interpreted it, is a binary thing--or it has been the two times I applied it. Then there's the letting-people-drift-out-of-your-life thing, which happens a lot more often. There are tons of relationships I don't feel like I want hold on to, but if that person were to contact me, want to meet at a cafe, Facebook message me or whatever, it wouldn't be an automatic no and I would likely be very open to it. If someone's been doorslammed that is not going to happen. Usually for a "doorslammed" person, I try to make even contacting me really difficult (through blocking, avoiding, etc).
Yes, would agree with this binary doorslam. But only after years or tolerating! One door-slammed person for me made my work life unpleasant for years. Didn't go so far as confronting him as conflict avoidance mechanism kicked in, didn't want to appear that it affected me badly even though it did. It's hard to tell someone that to their face. Since I left the place of work I now want nothing to do with him, as I don't need to see him anymore even though he has tried to reach out. He probably doesn't really know what he did that pissed me off so much - one of those extrovert types who doesn't really consider others feelings, and gets kicks out of making fun of people, putting them down, etc.
 

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Someone who exhausts me emotionally.. where I put so much of myself into them and see nothing out of it, no improvement on their part, no reciprocity, nothing. Someone who just takes and takes and takes.

Also people who are unfair or unjust to me, or especially to those I love and care for.

I shut someone out last month because he refused to give up his negative and unfair attitude about someone I cared for, but had also shut out. He couldn't understand that I had cut her off because I felt it was in her best interests in terms of her personal journey of growth as a human being, and not because I hated her.. that even though I had cut her off, I still cared and expected fairness in the way he conducted himself. Instead, he was wrathful, expressing an opinion that she deserved to be punished and suffer for what she did to me. I tried repeatedly to help him empathize with her, to humanize her, but he refused. I immediately shut the door and haven't looked back.
 

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I may doorslam due to:

1. Being hurt;
2. Potential to be hurt;
3. Your beliefs violate my own;
4. You are a bad person;
5. You are not interested in bettering yourself;
6. You are cold;
7. You are vulgar;
8. You are ignorant;
9. You are boring.
 
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Ugh, I feel like there's too many to list.

- People that treat you like an emotional punching bag. We all struggle to cope in our own ways, but some people are just so hostile and often treat their friends or partners worse than they treat strangers. You can talk to me, you can vent to me, but you can't take it out on me.

- Patient syndrome. A lot of my first interactions with people often involve helping them through a tough spot. It's only natural that afterwards they would either have a favourable impression of me, perhaps feelings of affection, and just generally pursuant of something more (closer bond or what have you). Sadly, I feel the original circumstances of our meeting effectively taint anything that may come from it afterwards. In other words, are you just clinging to me because I'm the only arm that reached out to you when you were drowning? Once I bring them ashore, I basically close the door and eventually drift away.

- If they have a negative impression of me I'm not going to fight to correct it, I'll let it stand no matter what it is and may in fact act out to help them reinforce it to further sever that tie.

I'll leave it there for now~
This. Pretty much accurate. As others have said, there are usually a myriad of reasons by the time the door actually slams - but they mostly boil into these categories.
 

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I may doorslam due to:

1. Being hurt;
2. Potential to be hurt;
3. Your beliefs violate my own;
4. You are a bad person;
5. You are not interested in bettering yourself;
6. You are cold;
7. You are vulgar;
8. You are ignorant;
Yes, to all of these.

Unfortunately, the one person I clash with the most is my mother, and I came very close to door-slamming her a few days ago. We've never agreed on most things, but she crossed a few of my serious boundaries (insulting people I care about for no reason, being close-minded, insulting me, not listening to me, and saying ignorant BS).

She kept making snarky comments and I ignored most of them. I tried to calmly explain that she was insulting me and that it was very rude, but she didn't relent, and after a bit I just couldn't take it anymore (we have one or more of these arguments every time I see her) and I snapped and stormed out of her house.

She said something like, "After everything I do for you, I can't believe you'd be this upset over some comments" and I said, "If having you in my life means i need to constantly be subjected to your insults, ignorant commentary, and nasty comments, then I don't WANT you in my life."

Dangerously close to a door-slam...I talked to my father privately after the incident and he said he's not sure what is wrong with my mother lately (she has a lot of anxiety and just freaks out over the smallest things now) and that he's trying to get her to get help...he asked me to call her and patch things over that night, so I did, even though I don't think I should have, because I wasn't wrong about a damn thing, and she should have apologized to me for being a jerk. :frustrating:
 

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Hi, just wondering what your experience has been in cutting people off? A lot has been mentioned on the INFJ doorslam, and how permanent it can be, so looking for boundaries that need to be crossed in order for you to cut someone off.

As for me, am normally quite patient with family or friends who have offended me - if they apologize am normally willing to accept them back into my life. However, repeated offenses or people who just won't listen to me and do things that I still find upsetting or angers me warrants a more permanent cut off. I just won't want anything to do with that person anymore. If I see them or bump into them, I don't want open conflict so may be civil but won't want the relationship to go any further after that meeting.

If I'm stressed out I might 'cut off' people who have upset me for a few weeks or months. It may appear I may have cut them off, but in reality it's cos I'm coping with my own stuff and haven't got the energy or resources to cope with responding to them, if the previous conversation ended badly. So, in reality, am still open to the relationship and haven't yet cut them off.

If a girl has a crush on me, or appears interested but I'm not interested in them I might start to avoid them, or lessen contact. It may be appear that I've cut them off, but it's not easy to deal with someone who has feelings for you and you don't reciprocate. I think it'll also to do with letting them down gently and not getting their hopes up so they can meet someone else who reciprocates their feelings. Unrequited love is painful, and INFJ are very sensitive to pain, so the sooner they can get their feelings off you and on to another guy the better for everyone. If I girl likes me, and I don't like them, I have never changed my mind no matter how many weeks, months or years pass since she made her feelings known. I think my strong Ni makes me know deep down whether this person will work out or not in the long term, and so for her to hang around would not be good for anyone.

Just being friends is also going to be difficult, as once she makes her intentions are out I read into every little thing she does as something that is aimed at moving my heart. Fe is secondary to Ni, so there is a lot of pressure to be in a relationship to please her (Fe), even though it may go against my values/beliefs (Ni).
Fe can indeed be moved by displays of love, interest, and affection, but the problem is if the feelings are in conflict with my Ni.
This causes me to stress out, and before long a more permanent breakaway or breakdown in the friendship is the only solution unfortunately. Relationships based on Fe rather than Ni have never worked or lasted very long for me. I found that my admirers find it hard to fall out of love with me, and so for their own good it means not being in contact anymore, which is sad, 'cos now I've lost a good friend too!

This, I dont know if i can describe it better.


When repeated offenses are made, then I will cut someone off. When I cant bend or stretch any further.
However that person often dont really care, or is clueless as to why i act that way. And they cant see their wrong doing no matter how much i may point it out.
And i only try to point it out when it is a relation I really want to keep, but i cannot stay if the situation is not resolved.

I very rarely experience momments where people are trying to get close to me, where i haft to more actively shut someone out.
but more often just drifting away.

People whom i deemed unfit or bad in some way against me or others usually never even gets close.
When people do get close and they are hurtful or whatever, it is VERY horrible.

I always like to describe it like this: My interpersonal boundaries are pretty tight, partly because my sense of self boundaries or what you want to call them. Self boundaries are rather diffuse.
From outsiders view, i may appear very closed etc.
But I am open to new experiences, thought, understanding, etc.
My line of defense is out in the field, and not so much at an close personal level.
You know, some people will know alot of people, but they are very rigid, closed.
Deep down, I ofcourse tho however, ofcourse also have some rather rigid sets of rules of what i dont or do like.
Anyway, for me, these defensive walls are some that constantly change over time. You know, if we get hurt, we may build them up, but then taken them down again.
 

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. Seeing someone repeatedly behave as though they are inconsiderate of others
. Realizing that someone is a "vampire" (they use me for emotional support/someone to rant to with no intention of contributing to the relationship)
. Coming to the conclusion that someone is just complaining to me about their lives over and over without making any effort at changing it
. Repeated instances of crossing boundaries that they were aware of
. Constantly disapproving of my life choices and preferences

I've had to emotionally "doorslam" my father recently. He's an ISTJ, and I've finally realized that he just isn't going to understand me or my ENFP SO. He's too stuck in the mire of tradition and what he considers to be "acceptable", and I'm tired of being hurt by his judgements. It's painful, because he's trying to repair our relationship from a really bad conflict that we recently had, but I'm honestly done with it.
 
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I doorslam, due to: 1)any sort of verbal and emotional abuse, such as put downs and screaming 2) trying to control me and not getting the hint that I'm not interested in being who you want me to be 3) you don't have a positive impact on my life 4) I should have door slammed you a long time ago, but chose to let your nonsense to go on for too long.
 

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I doorslam, due to: 1)any sort of verbal and emotional abuse, such as put downs and screaming 2) trying to control me and not getting the hint that I'm not interested in being who you want me to be 3) you don't have a positive impact on my life 4) I should have door slammed you a long time ago, but chose to let your nonsense to go on for too long.
 

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I quietly shut the door on my entire life to date a bit more than three years ago, pretty much vanished and have completely started again. I don't even use my old name.
While I still mourn aspects of that old life, have sad moments remembering the good parts and the mountain i lived by that I considered mine, it was the best (only really) thing I could ever have done. That old life was literally killing me.

I'm thriving now.

I think ultimately the door shutting thing is an act of self preservation.
A survival tactic on which ever level and only a bad thing if you have regrets.
Which would mean you could have done things another way and possibly got a better out come.

The thing about burning bridges is once burnt It's permanent. So not to be done casually.
A last resort only.

Think carefully about what else you can do before taking such a drastic measure.

For those that have had the door slammed on them, it is not necessarily your fault as such, it would mean something was incompatible with the other person, and they felt threatened, be it overwhelmed or peace of mind or somehow toxic to them, that they have withdrawn so thoroughly.

I think the bottom line it's incompatibility that creates it. That takes two (or more) to create.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
. Seeing someone repeatedly behave as though they are inconsiderate of others
. Realizing that someone is a "vampire" (they use me for emotional support/someone to rant to with no intention of contributing to the relationship)
. Coming to the conclusion that someone is just complaining to me about their lives over and over without making any effort at changing it
. Repeated instances of crossing boundaries that they were aware of
. Constantly disapproving of my life choices and preferences

I've had to emotionally "doorslam" my father recently. He's an ISTJ, and I've finally realized that he just isn't going to understand me or my ENFP SO. He's too stuck in the mire of tradition and what he considers to be "acceptable", and I'm tired of being hurt by his judgements. It's painful, because he's trying to repair our relationship from a really bad conflict that we recently had, but I'm honestly done with it.
I don't what it is between ENFP and ISTJs. According to socionics they are conflicting pairs. I had a similar experience once. At first they got along, but I think the ISTJ couldn't handle the ENFPs optimistic outlook and multiple ideas. The ISTJ just wanted to stay within a small comfort zone, and wasn't open to different points of view. Eventually, after a lot of pent up resentment, the ISTJ exploded on the ENFP and the relationship is now still in tatters. The ISTJ has yet to apologise, which I think they find really hard to do, and while the ENFP is open to reconciliation, the ISTJ has gone into an unhealthy isolation.
Conflicting relations between psychological ("personality") types
 
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