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This is where i meant to stick this post...

This is a question about your morals and ethics INFJs.
I ask this because I was involved in a scenario like this.

Imagine your close, maybe even best friend was cheating on their long term partner. We'll call her X.
That you found out about it somehow. Maybe they told you.
Their long term partner was also a good friend of yours. We'll call him Z.

If you could see Z was being badly affected by this. Expressing signs of severe depression and clearly in pain about this.
If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.

What would you do?
Would you tell Z the truth?
 

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Spam-I-am
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I've been involved in the same scenario in the past
I never told either of them
they will find out eventually
it was not my concern
 

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This is where i meant to stick this post...

This is a question about your morals and ethics INFJs.
I ask this because I was involved in a scenario like this.

Imagine your close, maybe even best friend was cheating on their long term partner. We'll call her X.
That you found out about it somehow. Maybe they told you.
Their long term partner was also a good friend of yours. We'll call him Z.

If you could see Z was being badly affected by this. Expressing signs of severe depression and clearly in pain about this.
If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.

What would you do?
Would you tell Z the truth?
Yes.

I wouldn't broach the subject; but, if someone involved in the matter would ask me, I'd feel obligated to testify what appeared to me to be the objective truth. It can be a very grim duty; but it's a duty nevertheless.

Don't ask "But what if X knew you knew and asked you to say nothing about it?": I would have responded to X, "Sorry, can't promise that," and, if pressed, would have continued, "Don't draw me into your deceit."

In truth, by that point I'd no longer consider X to be a friend. Who needs deceptive friends?
 

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I've been in a similar spot. However, for me the couple wasn't super close. Kinda more on the edge of my circle friends; would see each other at parties and bars and hang out together when we did, invite each other to parties and such: so definitely friends but not like best friends. So when I became aware that the guy was cheating on the girl, I ended up giving the guy the cold shoulder when I would see him. I'm not going to blow up someone's spot, it's up to them to be honest w/ their SO..but I'm also not going to want to be friends and associate w. anyone who doesn't respect their SO. We were close enough that I'm sure he picked up on my disapproval of him cheating on his gf, but we weren't close enough that I'd be obvious to others and that he couldn't easily ignore it. If we had been close friends, I'm not sure how I would have reacted, maybe I would have talked to him, or maybe I would have done the same thing.
 

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I have been in the middle of this too. I didn't like it at all. The female confided in me and told of the meetings and affairs with other men, while, I might say, I was with her boyfriend. She even used me once to keep him at my home while she sneaked out, and lied to him saying that she came back to my home ans stayed with me. Fucking liar!

I eventually had to let that shit go and passed on the information through a third party.

they split up. Both are happier now than back then.
 

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This is where i meant to stick this post...

This is a question about your morals and ethics INFJs.
I ask this because I was involved in a scenario like this.

Imagine your close, maybe even best friend was cheating on their long term partner. We'll call her X.
That you found out about it somehow. Maybe they told you.
Their long term partner was also a good friend of yours. We'll call him Z.

If you could see Z was being badly affected by this. Expressing signs of severe depression and clearly in pain about this.
If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.

What would you do?
Would you tell Z the truth?
I'll definitely tell Z the truth, and I'll present the evidence too.

By keeping it from Z, I'm being a shitty friend to him. Friendship is about honesty. As for X, I'll distance myself from her and she will no longer be my close friend anymore, because she has poor morals.
 

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I'll definitely tell Z the truth, and I'll present the evidence too.

By keeping it from Z, I'm being a shitty friend to him. Friendship is about honesty. As for X, I'll distance myself from her and she will no longer be my close friend anymore, because she has poor morals.
Wow I would do exactly the same thing for the same reason! Cause people who cheat usually don't care about it being known anyways. Sorry I'm not an INFJ posting here...
 

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Delphic Seer
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In cases like this, neutrality is the best course of action (in terms of convenience). Since it doesn’t affect my vital interests, I think there would be no logical reason for me to intervene. Plus, the importance of preserving stability is ultimately critical.
 

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If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.
This is what would compel me to spill the beans. Z suspects, X denies. Z basically already knows and is being denied the decency of the truth. It's not much of a secret anyway. I'm not doing anything wrong by sharing what I know - especially if Z is in deep distress over the whole thing. That's hardly fair. If X didn't want it to come out that way, X should have shared it with Z when Z asked about it. Z would find out in the end anyway if Z already suspects. I'm just moving it along faster and helping out a friend. If X is mad at me, I can deal with it. X was the one who created the scenario in the first place so I see X as responsible, not me. I'm just the one who got caught in the middle and has the right to help a friend.
 
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*double post*
 

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This is where i meant to stick this post...

This is a question about your morals and ethics INFJs.
I ask this because I was involved in a scenario like this.

Imagine your close, maybe even best friend was cheating on their long term partner. We'll call her X.
That you found out about it somehow. Maybe they told you.
Their long term partner was also a good friend of yours. We'll call him Z.

If you could see Z was being badly affected by this. Expressing signs of severe depression and clearly in pain about this.
If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.

What would you do?
Would you tell Z the truth?
I know exactly what I would do. I would go to X and say to X, "If you don't confess it to Z, *I* will tell Z. Take your pick."
 

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If I knew the answer and Z asked me, then yes, I would absolutely tell them. I would apologize for not saying anything sooner as I felt it wasn't position to be an informant, but I can't lie. Especially to someone with whom I'm close. It goes against one of my core values.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thankyou all for your replies!

I was in some ways surprised by some of your replies, however, this is what my ex-friend did. Refused to get involved.
Not her prob. Between us.
"Said she didnt know, but even if she did she wouldnt betray X".
I had what the doctor calls a "mini stroke" after that.
Eventually eX told the truth. Blamed everyone else. Dobbed in everyone else.

I had thought that this might have been a common set of core values INFJs might uphold.
*Help those in need.
*Protect those whom it is within your power to protect.
*Honesty and integrity
Especially when it is your friend in need.

Im glad most of you feel the same way i feel about it.

Unfortunately I was Z in this scenario.
I have been the role of the ex-friend previously also though and i have told the truth.
I first gave the ultimatum (AODIII style)
Then when that failed i told the hard truth.
To be betrayed by the one you love is bad enough.
To be betrayed by your friends aswell.
Doesnt leave you with much inside.

In my case, our relationship lasted over 11 years.
95% near perfect relationship.
We werent together for 11+ years for nothing...well, in the end yes we were :p
5% soul destroying pain.
That ex-friend in question found out about eX cheating in the 5th year.
Eventually my eXs lies were uncovered.
The truth has taken almost 2 years to recover from...so far.
When i say recover i mean drink less haha the world has some colour again now though.
Several people knew about eX cheating. Nobody helped me.
That has changed me.

The madness i have been through :p

Thanks again for your replies.
Ive been struggling with the ex-friend part of this for a while.
Still cant believe it. Any of it.
 

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If they asked, I would tell them the truth. May be the severe depression is related to being in a bad relationship and would improve if they decide to get out of the relationship. I would also encourage them to get help. As a friend, you can be supportive and that sort of thing, but I also think you aren't responsible for "fixing others". Only they can do that themselves. And getting help might help them with that. Know what you're boundaries are so you know if they are being crossed.

You might also consider what is holding you back from telling your friend?
 

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I'll definitely tell Z the truth, and I'll present the evidence too.

By keeping it from Z, I'm being a shitty friend to him. Friendship is about honesty. As for X, I'll distance myself from her and she will no longer be my close friend anymore, because she has poor morals.
Off-topic: if you see this, may I see why you closed your account, Schizoid? I always liked your posts :(
 

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damned if you, damned if you don't. If you feel a sense of guilt which would totally be understandable you can expose the situation by telling how you feel about it. It's never wrong, especially if you deem that person close
 

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Off-topic: if you see this, may I see why you closed your account, Schizoid? I always liked your posts :(
I'm back. xD

I closed my account as I've been depressed and wasn't really up to getting online, lol.
 

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This is where i meant to stick this post...

This is a question about your morals and ethics INFJs.
I ask this because I was involved in a scenario like this.

Imagine your close, maybe even best friend was cheating on their long term partner. We'll call her X.
That you found out about it somehow. Maybe they told you.
Their long term partner was also a good friend of yours. We'll call him Z.

If you could see Z was being badly affected by this. Expressing signs of severe depression and clearly in pain about this.
If Z then came too you, asked for your help and said they think X is cheating on them. That they have spoken to X and X denied it.

What would you do?
Would you tell Z the truth?
Absolutely. In fact, I wouldn't have waited so long. I would have gone to X and said that either you tell Z or I will.

So she said it wasn't her problem? Meaning you aren't her problem. Meaning she doesn't give a hoot about your feelings or your interests. You thought she was your friend but she wasn't. She's not even an ex-friend. She was a fraud.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Yeah, they were her words. Cant get involved.
Its been an interesting time.
Very confusing.
"Friend" for over 10 years.
So many ways to interpret it.
I think its best not to though in the end.
The impact has been substantial.
A general indifference/apathy has been the result.
There are alot of things I had thought were givens concerning decent ppl.
I thought more of ppl.
I think I thought only scumbags did these things. Or I wanted that to be the case.
I was wrong.
They werent that bad on the ppl scale.
Somewhere in the middle.
Cheating and lying seems to be the norm.
But still makes me wanna become a crazy hermit cat lady...but that would require a sex change and a pricey visit to the pet store.
My wallets not big enough for either.
 

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I take my friendship with a person seriously and have trust as a key component in how friendship stays intact for my life. Now, some people would like to jump in and put hostility into any relationship any chance they get if someone were to cheat on them or do something wrong. The problem with that is is that humans are flawed anyway and not giving them 2nd or 3rd or how many chances can make you look less welcoming and more self-absorbed. Life can make that backfire on you if you are not aware of your outer world enough. It is your life, though.
 
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