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What are some times you've broken up with an S/O, and for what reasons?

I've seen a lot of breakups at a year and a half mark, so i'm curious as to what would make you decide to leave after lasting such a long time?
 

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Hmmm... I never broke up with someone at the 1.5 year mark. But the one big break-up I had was in a relationship that had drawn out too long. I remember looking at him one day and realizing that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. After I had that realization, the end was inevitable. He's in another committed relationship and much happier now. And I'm happy for him, because he found someone who could give him what I couldn't: the love that he deserved. (^_^
 

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Hmmm... I never broke up with someone at the 1.5 year mark. But the one big break-up I had was in a relationship that had drawn out too long. I remember looking at him one day and realizing that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. After I had that realization, the end was inevitable. He's in another committed relationship and much happier now. And I'm happy for him, because he found someone who could give him what I couldn't: the love that he deserved. (^_^
Yeah. That's how my story went. 1.5 years into the relationship I started getting vibes that my ESFP and I we're already in over the period where we were both just dragging it out. Managed to force another 1.5 years and then one day we were both just done. I was done with her around October and she left around March. The period in between was just fighting everyday.

Ok. That said. She's married with a kid and obviously happier. I'm married ... We've both had our latest relationships last over 7 years and we're happy. I think that a little unhappiness seems to be an issue for ESFPs overall. Correct me if I'm wrong. Personally I've never met an ESFP that said they were content. I mean sure they say it but I'm a keen spotter of lies and half truths so I always tell when they're putting up a front.

Why is that? Why tell someone everything is fine when it's not ... It just delays the inevitable and doesn't resolve issues that need to be fixed. (I'm not saying you have the answer to this. It's mostly rhetorical and if it doesn't apply to you that's fine, but I've enjoyed reading your insight so I would like to know what you think from your perspective.)
 

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Why is that? Why tell someone everything is fine when it's not ... It just delays the inevitable and doesn't resolve issues that need to be fixed. (I'm not saying you have the answer to this. It's mostly rhetorical and if it doesn't apply to you that's fine, but I've enjoyed reading your insight so I would like to know what you think from your perspective.)
There's a few things at play here. With my one relationship that dragged out way beyond its expiration date, this occurred because I was young and immature. I looked around and there was nothing that I could really complain about on a grand scale. He treated me well, actively supported me with things that I wanted to do (though he rarely participated in them with me), and listened and valued me as a person. But the passion was gone. I didn't want to hurt him by admitting that. I didn't want to have to tell him, "You're a great guy but I'm just not attracted to you anymore." It felt like that would just be an ego-crusher.

I may also not reveal my true problems with someone because I hold them close and dear to my heart. There are things that I am willing to share because they don't leave me as raw and bare when I do, but conversely, there are things that even my best friends don't know about me. I would rather say that everything is 'fine' rather than reveal my inner depths for the world to pick at.

I think the problem with contentment is that it seems like settling. We actually seek happiness... it's what drives us. In life, you can choose to be happy. Why waste precious time, a non-renewable resource, in a situation that doesn't do that for you? It's strange, we pursue perfection in our own way. We're looking for that perfect moment of happiness and when we find it, we want to enjoy it for as long as possible. And we expect it to be fleeting. After it ends, we're off to pursue the next moment. We seek variety rather than stability. Contentment reeks of stability. And stability can lead to stagnation. Constantly looking to improve, seek challenges and experiences... that is the path to growth. I'd rather grow than be content. (^^
 

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There's a few things at play here. With my one relationship that dragged out way beyond its expiration date, this occurred because I was young and immature. I looked around and there was nothing that I could really complain about on a grand scale. He treated me well, actively supported me with things that I wanted to do (though he rarely participated in them with me), and listened and valued me as a person. But the passion was gone. I didn't want to hurt him by admitting that. I didn't want to have to tell him, "You're a great guy but I'm just not attracted to you anymore." It felt like that would just be an ego-crusher.

I may also not reveal my true problems with someone because I hold them close and dear to my heart. There are things that I am willing to share because they don't leave me as raw and bare when I do, but conversely, there are things that even my best friends don't know about me. I would rather say that everything is 'fine' rather than reveal my inner depths for the world to pick at.

I think the problem with contentment is that it seems like settling. We actually seek happiness... it's what drives us. In life, you can choose to be happy. Why waste precious time, a non-renewable resource, in a situation that doesn't do that for you? It's strange, we pursue perfection in our own way. We're looking for that perfect moment of happiness and when we find it, we want to enjoy it for as long as possible. And we expect it to be fleeting. After it ends, we're off to pursue the next moment. We seek variety rather than stability. Contentment reeks of stability. And stability can lead to stagnation. Constantly looking to improve, seek challenges and experiences... that is the path to growth. I'd rather grow than be content. (^^
Thank you for this. Seeing it in written form confirms what I had been thinking all along. I had a lot of similar issues. She wasn't evoking any passion in me. We were being pulled in different directions because of our dominant functions. Just one small example is that I didn't want to stay in Pakistan and continue to move around the world for job opportunities and I have wanderlust. She was hesitant to move too far from her family. I didn't want kids. She clearly did. We weren't sexually compatible. The list was growing. I was switching jobs because I too was seeking my own whims. I had a ton of female friends. She had started creating a social circle. Mine was different from hers as well etc etc. The initial passion that we felt for each other was gone within the first year and a half and the rest was really just obligation and you know that both ESP types hate that.

Now, this leads me into my next question. Having seen many ESFP's in life that seem to struggle in their pursuit of happiness (some do settle, while others never do), is it even possible for an ESFP to find long term and consistent happiness which is what they're seeking if what brings them happiness continues to change? (I'm sure it is, but it does make me wonder at times given what I've seen of my friends and family that are ESFP's).

I know for a fact that ESFP's are dreamers (big ass dreamers) .. however, I think that that's where the F vs T issue arises. As a T, I look at my dreams from a more practical mindset. They way I value the pros and cons of any decision and whim chasing is very different from how ESFP's do it.

My path to growth was acceptance that sometimes when you put something on a pedestal and chase after it, and you get there, it's not always what I thought it would be like in my mind. That's that inferior Ni and for me growth was learning through experience that my mind tends to play tricks on me. I think something is going to be amazing and I chase after it, only to realize that I had hyped it up in my head and it isn't great ---- therefore, it is better to make what I have better and more stable as opposed to change its course entirely. You see what I'm saying?
 

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Thank you for this. Seeing it in written form confirms what I had been thinking all along. I had a lot of similar issues. She wasn't evoking any passion in me. We were being pulled in different directions because of our dominant functions. Just one small example is that I didn't want to stay in Pakistan and continue to move around the world for job opportunities and I have wanderlust. She was hesitant to move too far from her family. I didn't want kids. She clearly did. We weren't sexually compatible. The list was growing. I was switching jobs because I too was seeking my own whims. I had a ton of female friends. She had started creating a social circle. Mine was different from hers as well etc etc. The initial passion that we felt for each other was gone within the first year and a half and the rest was really just obligation and you know that both ESP types hate that.

Now, this leads me into my next question. Having seen many ESFP's in life that seem to struggle in their pursuit of happiness (some do settle, while others never do), is it even possible for an ESFP to find long term and consistent happiness which is what they're seeking if what brings them happiness continues to change? (I'm sure it is, but it does make me wonder at times given what I've seen of my friends and family that are ESFP's).

I know for a fact that ESFP's are dreamers (big ass dreamers) .. however, I think that that's where the F vs T issue arises. As a T, I look at my dreams from a more practical mindset. They way I value the pros and cons of any decision and whim chasing is very different from how ESFP's do it.

My path to growth was acceptance that sometimes when you put something on a pedestal and chase after it, and you get there, it's not always what I thought it would be like in my mind. That's that inferior Ni and for me growth was learning through experience that my mind tends to play tricks on me. I think something is going to be amazing and I chase after it, only to realize that I had hyped it up in my head and it isn't great ---- therefore, it is better to make what I have better and more stable as opposed to change its course entirely. You see what I'm saying?
Thank you for sharing your side of things as well. It's interesting to see where we overlap, but where we diverge as well. I totally get what you are saying about inferior Ni and growth. And how you've used your experiences to become more stable rather than changing courses.

I try to weigh the pro's and con's of my choices, but being inherently an optimist works against me when it comes to my dreams. I tend to downplay the negatives and focus more on the positives of my choice. And once I have a vague goal in mind, I race towards it 110%. I think that every goal that I have attained, whether it be right for me in the end or not, has helped me grow as a person. Helped me realize something about myself in the process of pursuing it. So I think even if I end up disappointed in the end, the pursuit of that goal was worthwhile. I guess I am starting to learn that it isn't always the destination that matters, but the journey along the way.

As for happiness, I'm still seeking it. But I have found that when I find happiness in one area of my life, be it professional, social, or romantic, it ends up spilling over to all the other areas of my life. There's a positive chain reaction that probably has something to do with the energy that I am putting out into the world. I have had moments of complete happiness in my life and after having experienced it, I don't want to settle for less. At the same time, I'm trying not to take what goodness I have in my life for granted. I guess I'm trying to find a way to balance them both. Hmmm... strange, I kinda think we may be at the same point in our lives.

Now a question for you: What type is your new wife? How is she similar/different to the ESFPs in your life?
 

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Thank you for sharing your side of things as well. It's interesting to see where we overlap, but where we diverge as well. I totally get what you are saying about inferior Ni and growth. And how you've used your experiences to become more stable rather than changing courses.

I try to weigh the pro's and con's of my choices, but being inherently an optimist works against me when it comes to my dreams. I tend to downplay the negatives and focus more on the positives of my choice. And once I have a vague goal in mind, I race towards it 110%. I think that every goal that I have attained, whether it be right for me in the end or not, has helped me grow as a person. Helped me realize something about myself in the process of pursuing it. So I think even if I end up disappointed in the end, the pursuit of that goal was worthwhile. I guess I am starting to learn that it isn't always the destination that matters, but the journey along the way.

As for happiness, I'm still seeking it. But I have found that when I find happiness in one area of my life, be it professional, social, or romantic, it ends up spilling over to all the other areas of my life. There's a positive chain reaction that probably has something to do with the energy that I am putting out into the world. I have had moments of complete happiness in my life and after having experienced it, I don't want to settle for less. At the same time, I'm trying not to take what goodness I have in my life for granted. I guess I'm trying to find a way to balance them both. Hmmm... strange, I kinda think we may be at the same point in our lives.

Now a question for you: What type is your new wife? How is she similar/different to the ESFPs in your life?
With age my pro/con analysis has become a lot stronger. It was not as solid as this when I was in my 20's. I too chased after the more optimistic side of the coin. I've made several mistakes in my youth based on my inability to do a proper analysis too so of course, in that us ESP's are always going to be the same ;)

My wife is an ISTJ. Very stable. Mature. Reliable. I mean, she's pretty much the stereotypical SJ. She gives me the stability I need to chase after my whims but I stay rooted to her because she's the one that's got the handle on making life stable for the both of us.

I would say that she's pretty much opposite but not entirely because the Te/Fi in the middle gives her a strong emotional and ethical core, but without a lot of the inconsistency and hidden / buried feelings (but obvious ones to me) that happened with Fi/Te. I think this is where since I experienced both, I have a bit of a personal insight. Te/Fi vs Fi/Te makes a surprisingly big difference, while simultaneously being similar in a lot of ways.

What I value the most is actually her introversion because it makes her calm. Our relationship has passion in the bedroom where it matters and the intensity I get from her is her rational mind and fierce determination.

Fewer emotional needs is a big plus as well.

As an ESTP, I'm not as attune with the emotional needs of a feeling type so with her own lack of emotionality, it just creates a more functional life.

She was also raised by an ESFP, so knows and understands Se dominance which is a huge bonus in our relationship because she's also ready to go knowing that spontaneity simply for the sake of it isn't bothersome to her personally as much as it might be to another ISTJ.

Funnily enough, I was raised by an INTJ mom, so I just really, really GET the introversion and Te/Fi as well. It makes me a lot more at ease because I can discuss just about anything under the sun and not expect a dramatic response. I mean .. I can even sometimes say mean things (but without any malice) about her family and she will talk me through it rationally and help broaden my perspective.

I'm happy with the whole 9 yards kind of lifestyle .. with the well planned and organized life. The planned out vacations and holidays. The well kept budget. The lack of materialism. (Since I'm praising these qualities of hers, you can probably infer that I haven't had those experiences with the ESFP's in my life).
 

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My wife is an ISTJ. Very stable. Mature. Reliable. I mean, she's pretty much the stereotypical SJ. She gives me the stability I need to chase after my whims but I stay rooted to her because she's the one that's got the handle on making life stable for the both of us.

I would say that she's pretty much opposite but not entirely because the Te/Fi in the middle gives her a strong emotional and ethical core, but without a lot of the inconsistency and hidden / buried feelings (but obvious ones to me) that happened with Fi/Te. I think this is where since I experienced both, I have a bit of a personal insight. Te/Fi vs Fi/Te makes a surprisingly big difference, while simultaneously being similar in a lot of ways.

What I value the most is actually her introversion because it makes her calm. Our relationship has passion in the bedroom where it matters and the intensity I get from her is her rational mind and fierce determination.

Fewer emotional needs is a big plus as well.

As an ESTP, I'm not as attune with the emotional needs of a feeling type so with her own lack of emotionality, it just creates a more functional life.

She was also raised by an ESFP, so knows and understands Se dominance which is a huge bonus in our relationship because she's also ready to go knowing that spontaneity simply for the sake of it isn't bothersome to her personally as much as it might be to another ISTJ.

Funnily enough, I was raised by an INTJ mom, so I just really, really GET the introversion and Te/Fi as well. It makes me a lot more at ease because I can discuss just about anything under the sun and not expect a dramatic response. I mean .. I can even sometimes say mean things (but without any malice) about her family and she will talk me through it rationally and help broaden my perspective.

I'm happy with the whole 9 yards kind of lifestyle .. with the well planned and organized life. The planned out vacations and holidays. The well kept budget. The lack of materialism. (Since I'm praising these qualities of hers, you can probably infer that I haven't had those experiences with the ESFP's in my life).
Awwww... it sounds like you guys really balance each other well. I always love hearing about relationships like this, where you really appreciate each other for your differences because you know that they complement you and make you better. I've always been attracted to introverts because I like their quiet intelligence. I found out just recently that both of my parents are introverts, so I think that's why I can appreciate them in my life. I like how they can slow me down and make a wonderful moment seem to last forever. I don't know, I can explain it well, but they seem to change the space-time around me so that it operates in its own unique way. (^_^
 

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Awwww... it sounds like you guys really balance each other well. I always love hearing about relationships like this, where you really appreciate each other for your differences because you know that they complement you and make you better. I've always been attracted to introverts because I like their quiet intelligence. I found out just recently that both of my parents are introverts, so I think that's why I can appreciate them in my life. I like how they can slow me down and make a wonderful moment seem to last forever. I don't know, I can explain it well, but they seem to change the space-time around me so that it operates in its own unique way. (^_^
I can relate because it is like that for me as well. There is more depth in a relationship with an introvert because by and large introverts are more dedicated to you. Something about the quality of Introversion forming habits around you. This is sort of most true with SJ introverts.

I like being the center of someone's universe and ISJs tend to facilitate that a lot ;)
 

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I can relate because it is like that for me as well. There is more depth in a relationship with an introvert because by and large introverts are more dedicated to you. Something about the quality of Introversion forming habits around you. This is sort of most true with SJ introverts.

I like being the center of someone's universe and ISJs tend to facilitate that a lot ;)
Hahaha... I can relate to this so well. I like the idea of coming first in someone's life. At the same time, I want someone independent who can stand on his own two feet. I like the idea of him *choosing* me but not absorbing himself in me, because I don't like feeling the burden of always reassuring or having to respond in kind.

I will throw myself into a relationship in the beginning, but I gradually back off and have noticed that this backing off can leave some people feeling insecure, as if my emotions are wavering. They're not, but I do need to feel free to pursue my curiosity wherever it takes me. My SO will always be my preference, but as an Se-dom, I dislike routine. I need to change it up once in a while. It doesn't mean that I want to change them up. But it does mean that I need them to be self-assured and confident in their own value.
 

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Hahaha... I can relate to this so well. I like the idea of coming first in someone's life. At the same time, I want someone independent who can stand on his own two feet. I like the idea of him *choosing* me but not absorbing himself in me, because I don't like feeling the burden of always reassuring or having to respond in kind.
So relateable. That's pretty much how my relationship with the ESFP went, and while we both enjoyed our independence as much, it actually became a problem area for both of us as well because neither of us could create the balance between being independent versus being together. So sometimes our paths wouldn't cross and our stars wouldn't align. Caused a lot of headaches for the both of us as we could neither tell when the other needed the other more. If I needed her, she pulled away sometimes or was busy with her social life. If she needed me, I was aloof and engrossed in my own social life or hobbies. Se vs Se problems.

I will throw myself into a relationship in the beginning, but I gradually back off and have noticed that this backing off can leave some people feeling insecure, as if my emotions are wavering. They're not, but I do need to feel free to pursue my curiosity wherever it takes me. My SO will always be my preference, but as an Se-dom, I dislike routine. I need to change it up once in a while. It doesn't mean that I want to change them up. But it does mean that I need them to be self-assured and confident in their own value.
I do the same thing word for word. But in my case, emotional attachment is at a lower level than that. I'm still attached to the person and after doing all that I want to do, I would tell her "hey, at least I come back to you every night, right?" ... The thing was that we both did that to each other, but she felt more isolated and unloved by me than the other way around because probably due to the F higher up the order.

Once I have the comfort and assurance of a long term commitment, I tend to become engrossed in myself a little bit more. While I am still somewhat romantic, the infatuation period is gone and I'm now settling into more of a consistent / paced out relationship. That's not enough for ESFP's because of that F higher up the order.
 

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So relateable. That's pretty much how my relationship with the ESFP went, and while we both enjoyed our independence as much, it actually became a problem area for both of us as well because neither of us could create the balance between being independent versus being together. So sometimes our paths wouldn't cross and our stars wouldn't align. Caused a lot of headaches for the both of us as we could neither tell when the other needed the other more. If I needed her, she pulled away sometimes or was busy with her social life. If she needed me, I was aloof and engrossed in my own social life or hobbies. Se vs Se problems.

I do the same thing word for word. But in my case, emotional attachment is at a lower level than that. I'm still attached to the person and after doing all that I want to do, I would tell her "hey, at least I come back to you every night, right?" ... The thing was that we both did that to each other, but she felt more isolated and unloved by me than the other way around because probably due to the F higher up the order.

Once I have the comfort and assurance of a long term commitment, I tend to become engrossed in myself a little bit more. While I am still somewhat romantic, the infatuation period is gone and I'm now settling into more of a consistent / paced out relationship. That's not enough for ESFP's because of that F higher up the order.
Yeah, I can see this. I think we Se-doms would be great friends to one another because we totally understand that drive to just *do.* I'm always telling my friends, "Stop talking about it already. What's stopping you? Just do it." (^_~ But in relationships, I can totally see that if the timing is off, the push-pull of the relationship never balances into something solid and secure. I could see how it would become a source of insecurity for us, because we do want something solid and trustworthy to come home to. We're like bees, flittering around and visiting all the new flowers in the area. But at the end of the day, we wanna come home to our 'hive.' Deposit and share our day's treasures with our home base.

I wonder if it was only an F vs T factor... I think a person's love languages could also be a factor. For me, the top of my list is Quality Time. If I can't spend time with him when I want to, I will begin to doubt that he loves me. It doesn't necessarily have to be out doing things together (though it'd be nice if it was...) We could just be hanging at home, cuddling, and enjoying each other's company. But I need that reassurance that I'm important to him. I will also cancel plans if he is feeling insecure and needs time with me. I'm kinda paradoxical... As long as he doesn't demand attention constantly from me, I am very willing to giving it.

Do you know what your love language is?
 

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Yeah, I can see this. I think we Se-doms would be great friends to one another because we totally understand that drive to just *do.* I'm always telling my friends, "Stop talking about it already. What's stopping you? Just do it." (^_~ But in relationships, I can totally see that if the timing is off, the push-pull of the relationship never balances into something solid and secure. I could see how it would become a source of insecurity for us, because we do want something solid and trustworthy to come home to. We're like bees, flittering around and visiting all the new flowers in the area. But at the end of the day, we wanna come home to our 'hive.' Deposit and share our day's treasures with our home base.

I wonder if it was only an F vs T factor... I think a person's love languages could also be a factor. For me, the top of my list is Quality Time. If I can't spend time with him when I want to, I will begin to doubt that he loves me. It doesn't necessarily have to be out doing things together (though it'd be nice if it was...) We could just be hanging at home, cuddling, and enjoying each other's company. But I need that reassurance that I'm important to him. I will also cancel plans if he is feeling insecure and needs time with me. I'm kinda paradoxical... As long as he doesn't demand attention constantly from me, I am very willing to giving it.

Do you know what your love language is?
I have a theory. I think that for Se-doms the love language may not be applicable because it is fluid and ever changing like our expectations tend to. We're a flexible bunch and what we want today is not the same as what we want tomorrow and that's part of the issue in our love lives.
 

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I have a theory. I think that for Se-doms the love language may not be applicable because it is fluid and ever changing like our expectations tend to. We're a flexible bunch and what we want today is not the same as what we want tomorrow and that's part of the issue in our love lives.
Hmmm... this is an interesting thought. Tell me more.
 

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Hmmm... this is an interesting thought. Tell me more.
This is me in 2011:

Quality Time 11
Acts of Service 8 :( <--- (don't judge me for this score, it's a major part of marriage in our part of the culture. I was actually a lot more giving than many husbands in my part of the world - to a fault actually)

I'm not much of a toucher/feeler - in non romantic situations especially. Like in public or just randomly out of the blue .. for me physical romance has its time and moments ...
Here are my tests from just today:

Your Scores
9 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
5 Words of Affirmation
2 Receiving Gifts
Quality time has gone down a little and Acts of Service has gone up a little though they're always the top two. But the other thing that has changed is that I do like touching/hugging and PDA's a heck of a lot more than I did in the past.

I know that the last time I did this it was a different result again.

I'm 100% sure that at least for me this changes and I wouldn't be surprised if it does for ESFP's as well and if so, then that would explain the problems ESFPs' partners have in pleasing them because if the love language changes then the partner may not be able to understand the change and the ESFP may not feel loved.
 

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This is me in 2011:



Here are my tests from just today:



Quality time has gone down a little and Acts of Service has gone up a little though they're always the top two. But the other thing that has changed is that I do like touching/hugging and PDA's a heck of a lot more than I did in the past.

I know that the last time I did this it was a different result again.

I'm 100% sure that at least for me this changes and I wouldn't be surprised if it does for ESFP's as well and if so, then that would explain the problems ESFPs' partners have in pleasing them because if the love language changes then the partner may not be able to understand the change and the ESFP may not feel loved.
Mmm... I don’t have enough data on myself (only been into MBTI for 2 years and known about love languages for 1) to really mark a change over time. It would be interesting to see if there actually is one. I always feel like I’m consistent, but maybe I’m only consistent in being true to myself in the moment. XD

Interesting that Physical Touch increased and your opinion about PDAs changes. What caused this change for you?
 

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Mmm... I don’t have enough data on myself (only been into MBTI for 2 years and known about love languages for 1) to really mark a change over time. It would be interesting to see if there actually is one. I always feel like I’m consistent, but maybe I’m only consistent in being true to myself in the moment. XD

Interesting that Physical Touch increased and your opinion about PDAs changes. What caused this change for you?
Yeah. ESFP's tend to think that, but their Fi is their second function, not the dominant one so consistency is not as much of a priority as it would be for IXFP's. Plus as you said consistency in the moment is still consistency from an ESFP's perspective, but seeing it from the perspective of their partners comes across as inconsistent. Consistency is fleeting, but that doesn't mean it's still not authentic.

I think a lot of my hang ups were culturally induced and some of it was Fe driven. Fe even tertiary does draw some of its own desires from those of their partner so if a partner tends not to like something it can become an influencer for us. Culture and group values do have a limited impact on ESTP's. But with the nature of Se, it's just easier to be more flexible about it than say an EXFJ or IXFJ would be.

I do like what you said about being true to yourself in the moment .. this is true for me as well.
 
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