Personality Cafe banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Why can't I stop performing? Why can't I react authentically to situations, why do I have to take a step back and evaluate what kind of response I have to give in order to achieve the most positive response in turn? For what even? Approval points? From who? People I'm not even sure I like all that much?

What is self-expression good for if not to connect to other people? But is that connection authentic if I fabricate every reaction? I want real, true connection and for people's love for me to be genuine and not something I created by carefully influencing their image of me. I slip into different roles for different people (and it's so easy), now in quarantine I take the time to reflect and I find that I barely feel like a shell of a person. I know I'm kind and I know I'm supportive, every other trait feels like a tool I can pick up and put down whenever needed.

Every reaction and every response feels similarly genuine and yet none does. Does it even matter?

As a heart type (or really any other type who wants to share their input), how do you know if you're being authentic?
 

·
Registered
ESTP 7w6 so/sx
Joined
·
88 Posts
The only advice I can give is, try to meet different types of people (on the internet or otherwise once the ban goes down) and try to find a special person who you don't put up an act around. Then meeting this "special someone" will start a domino of events about accepting your authentic self when making connections with others.

Until then, good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
451 Posts
I would start by trying to understand what your 'approval mechanism' is, then slowly observe it. Under normal circumstances this could represent a years-long process, since you not only need your personal thoughts but also a host of experiences to look back upon, almost forensically, over short and long periods of time. As you become your own 'old dog with the same tricks' figuratively speaking, there'll hopefully be a good vein of data to mine from, and worth banking on. It would probably help, excuse the pun, to read about your type from a number of different perspectives, old and new.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
As a heart type (or really any other type who wants to share their input), how do you know if you're being authentic?
For me it is when I manage to be more in the moment, more in the here and now, when I'm really engaged in the present moment. Then, I sort of almost "forget "myself, and I just intuitively act and speak as it just naturally comes from my gut or heart without thinking too much or rehearsing myself. It's like getting or putting yourself into a state in which you simply "exist". Instead of performing, playing or trying to be anything, you just "are". Very difficult for me too and it's very rare that I manage to get access to that kind of state. But really, trying to be present, trying to be engaged and "in the moment" helps with getting there. Try to get out of your head and into the world and the present actual moment around you. And be more Active in it! Do sth, move, don't stand still! Because it's inside your head where all these worries, overconcerns and anxieties, ruminations (about how you come across to others and if you're real/authentic enough etc.) take place.
When you manage to get out of it and instead become more grounded mentally, emotionally, physically in the real immediate world around you, it will automatically lessen your self-consciousness. Because this is what you would actually call it if you're too much concerned and preoccupied about "How do other people see me?", "How do I want them to see me?" "Do they see me as I want them to?" and so on.
I struggle more or less with the same issues till this day, and this is at least helpful for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
The other thing is: Trust in yourself, trust in who you are, your real authentic self! What do I mean with that? I mean that you have to trust that you actually can put your real and pure, undisguised self out there visibly and for everyone else to see. That you can live out your authentic truth and put all of what you deem so dear and important to you, what you feel so deeply convicted about, all of what you personally really stand for, what "you are all about", what you want your 'being", your "existence" - so to speak- to be about, your rawest, most "native" modes of expression etc. but keep hidden deep inside of you, that you can actuall put all of it out there and bring it to the outside into the world. Most people I think (me included and you probably too, so it seems) are fucking scared to do that. We're afraid that people are gonna laugh at us, that people gonna think we're crazy, that people will reject/exclude us, that we're gonna end up alone and blablabla....
We might not even be conscious of these fears, but they are deeply engrained into our psyche/character for a number of reasons.
I'm 21 now and since I was 11/12 I basically thought if I would be my real self and really show it and put it out there, I could never ever be accepted. So I always either tried on masks and different personas, or I more or less distanced myself from others and isolated myself, feeling painfully shy, self-conscious and awkard.
Over time this resulted in severe depression and identity disturbances/crises. Today, I actually have zero real friends, and my social life is almost non-existent.
When I was 19/20 I think I first had this revelation that it might be able to to be true to myself and real And belong to the world, be accepted, loved etc. It's maybe not an either/or situation, maybe I can have/be both.
The difficult thing was ( and still is ), ,and that could be true for you too, that I sort of lost my sense of who I am and of what makes me me because I' ve been hiding myself, putting on facades, playing roles for such a long time that at some point I lost sight of myself. Time helps with that ( it might take a few years tho to be honest),and you have to consequently observe yourself and catch yourself when you're slipping into a mask/facade again. It's probably best to even avoid situations and persons that put you in danger of slipping into masks again. If you really carefully watch yourself, you might be surprised how often, in which situations, and how automatically it happens. Spend time alone, think of you as a child when you were really young. What was important to you then. What did you value? What did you like and and what put you off? What was noteworthy about you to others and to yourself? I'm not one of those creepy "connect with and listen to the inner child in you"- persons, but I mean in a very concrete and simple way: How were you as a kid? How did you feel often, what did you think, how was your temperament? And try to really "feel it" or "live it through" in your memory. It will help to connect with your true self, because children (especiall if very young like 3,4,5) are obviously much more pure and frank in the way they are behaving and reacting to things, they usually don't disguise themselves or censor their reactions and character as adults do. So it will tell you sth about yourself. Of course you change while growing older and becoming an adult, and less or more some things might not be true for you anymore, but still I find there are always certain "core truths" about yourself and others that can be observed early on in childhood, if you know what I mean with that.
So yeah, try to connect with your real and true self again. If you've lost sight of it, try all of the things mentioned above. And again, most importantly trust yourself, trust your authentic reality, trust authentic and real truth, trust in that you can put it out and not be worried too much about outer reactions or that doing so will alienate you from other people. Much more the opposite is true, because now when they actually can "see" you, you can finally really interact and connect with others in a real and deep way. Yes, there might come some dissapproval or rejection even, but if yo are acting and living in congruence with your internal reality and convictions, and dare to express yourself exactly in the way you want to, that's a feeling nobody can take away from you.

Hope that helps a bit :)
(Btw I feel I made this post a bit too much about me. I'm sorry if it appears so to you too. I just can't help it, I always get into a kind of rant when it comes to topics like these, because I feel soo personal about this😇)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
I'm 946 tritype btw. I feel these things are often struggles for especially this tritype. The 4 wants to be authentic and individualistic and the 9 and 6 want to belong to others/s community and be in harmony/in conmformidity with their environment in some way or another. So especially if you're a 4 then the struggle between authenticity but not wanting to be excluded is really really heightened. But I guess it's also a struggle for 947and 945. I think it's less problematic if you haven't 9 in your tritype in general. And with 4 dominant, there will be a great amount of identity and image issues anyway.
Do you know your tritype?
 

·
Registered
IEI 417
Joined
·
445 Posts
Why can't I stop performing? Why can't I react authentically to situations, why do I have to take a step back and evaluate what kind of response I have to give in order to achieve the most positive response in turn? For what even? Approval points? From who? People I'm not even sure I like all that much?

What is self-expression good for if not to connect to other people? But is that connection authentic if I fabricate every reaction? I want real, true connection and for people's love for me to be genuine and not something I created by carefully influencing their image of me. I slip into different roles for different people (and it's so easy), now in quarantine I take the time to reflect and I find that I barely feel like a shell of a person. I know I'm kind and I know I'm supportive, every other trait feels like a tool I can pick up and put down whenever needed.

Every reaction and every response feels similarly genuine and yet none does. Does it even matter?

As a heart type (or really any other type who wants to share their input), how do you know if you're being authentic?
I have a hard time being completely myself (takes sooo long for me to get comfortable with people), but even when I'm not being completely relaxed and natural, it's still me.
Cause that's how i am- when I'm maybe 30% comfortable I'll generally act this way, when I'm 70% comfortable I'll generally act that way. It's all still me. just a different layer of myself that is less close to the core.

I feel like I'm performing if I genuinely start to act just to be liked by this person or to impress them beyond the more typical "oh i just wanna leave a good impression".
When I was in 7th grade I had this huge struggle between needing to stay true to myself and wanting to be "cool". in my diary i literally drew a stick figure representing myself and then a line in the middle to represent the divide, lol.
of course the former won out, and the next few years I aggressively forced myself to not try to be cool or do anything with the purpose of impressing anyone. it was a bit overkill, but over the years i slowly came to a good balance with myself.

I've never thought "am I being authentic" but rather "am I being true to myself". The latter is what matters, really. the former will come if you sort out the latter. i've never rly deeply considered the issue of if I'm authentic because it feels kind of irrelevant when you start thinking about if you're being true to yourself..

This was a very disorganized rambley reply but I hope the perspective helped you in some way :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
had this huge struggle between needing to stay true to myself and wanting to be "cool". in my diary i literally drew a stick figure representing myself and then a line in the middle to represent the divide, lol.
That`s exactly my experience - one to one. Such a cool metapher with your drawing, because this really captures what it feels like. I literally felt like I was split, and that those two different sides were tearing me apart. It makes me so angry when think of how much time I have wasted because of this and of how pointless it all actually was - as later I realized not one of those stupid ***holes for whom I`ve worked my as off to seem cool/appealing to, even gave a fuck about me at all, to be very honest. Like I was as actually sooo irrelevant to their lives, and well, if I`m honest with myself, they weren`t really relevant to me either.
And yet this whole thing seems to be an issue for so many people. But today, I`m just thinking: "What for ? What was the point? You could`ve used this time soo much better":rolleyes:
 

·
Registered
IEI 417
Joined
·
445 Posts
That`s exactly my experience - one to one. Such a cool metapher with your drawing, because this really captures what it feels like. I literally felt like I was split, and that those two different sides were tearing me apart. It makes me so angry when think of how much time I have wasted because of this and of how pointless it all actually was - as later I realized not one of those stupid ***holes for whom I`ve worked my as off to seem cool/appealing to, even gave a fuck about me at all, to be very honest. Like I was as actually sooo irrelevant to their lives, and well, if I`m honest with myself, they weren`t really relevant to me either.
And yet this whole thing seems to be an issue for so many people. But today, I`m just thinking: "What for ? What was the point? You could`ve used this time soo much better":rolleyes:
That's so cool! When did the authentic part of yourself win over the other side?
For me it was quite early actually.. I was 12 or 13 when I made the conscious decision to try to stay true to myself and stop caring. but yk how consciously you could make a decision yet unconsciously your brain still does the previous thing? it took me many years before i really got there. Was it the same process for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
That's so cool! When did the authentic part of yourself win over the other side?
For me it was quite early actually.. I was 12 or 13 when I made the conscious decision to try to stay true to myself and stop caring. but yk how consciously you could make a decision yet unconsciously your brain still does the previous thing? it took me many years before i really got there. Was it the same process for you?

Wow! That's indeed very early! I wish I had started with this process when I was that young. It would've spared me so much stress, anxiety and misery. Really being jealous right now😣😌 - like, you just "got" sth at such a young age which I almost needed a whole decade to come to terms with.😅
I'm curious: Was there any special incident or sth. that caused you to make this decision to stop caring bout others and just be yourself? Because I think you must have been unusually mature to do so with 12/13. Usually most people that age actually start to first get anxious/ overly concerned about how others see them and what they think, at least that's what I've seen in my surroundings.

Well, till I was 15/ 16 I was actually a bit of an outsider for most of the time at least, because I was extremely shy and hyper self conscious, and so I was just fading into the background, almost trying to be "invisible". At the same time, however, deep down there was this intense desire to belong, to be seen, to be visible, to stand out, and to be one of the "cool, popular kids" even. ( But then again, I really didn't want to, because in my perception those"cool kids" were fake and shallow and I never ever in my life wanted to become one of those things.)
When I was 15/16 I started attempting to push through my shyness and social anxiety and be more involved with the extermal world. Which brought with it this struggle between being authentic vs wanting to be "cool". I was 18/19 (I'm 21 now) when I finally came to a point where I really had to admit to myself that it simply didn't pay off to play someone different than me just to better fit in, to be "cool" etc. I also realized that I actually didn't want to do that anymore and how hollow and empty those endeavours in itself (to be cool, popular, appealing to others, to be "in" etc) actually were. I was extremely depressed, burnt out and desillusioned at that time. Also because - and that's the funny thing- I didn't even succeed with my desperate endeavours to belong and be cool etc.: Well, many people - almost everyone actually - liked me and I felt I was appealing to them in a way, and they enjoyed my company but I still didn't belong anywhere, I wasn't friends with anyone, I was an outsider at the same time. Isn't that funny ? I was well liked and kind of popular, but an outsider at the same time. Because the price of putting up this facade was that I had to hold everybody I interacted with at an arm's length, that I always had to keep a distance from others. Because if they would have gotten closer to me, they would have find out the real me behind the facade, that I was desperately tring to hide. So i never really deeply bonded with anyone, never really commited to anyone or any group. So no wonder why I wasn't really involved, why I was still left out.
Also I secretely resented others for seeing me in a way that I felt was completely incogruent with who I was feeling I really am on the inside, for mistaking me for someone I'm really not - while at the same time inspiring them to see me in exactly that false way by playing those personas. There was just this sense of that I would never ever be accepted, gain belonging etc. if I showed my true self, because it would be too weird, different, "skewed" etc. But indeed I really just wanted to kind of "let go" and finally openly be whoever the hell I am.

And to answer your last question: Yes, it was the same process for me and I'm actually still in that process. It will probably take a few years for me to competely arrive. So the authentic side hasn't completely won over yet, but I'm on my way haha.
And yes, I can totally relate to you saying that your brain unwittingly still does the previous thing even though you decided differently. It's as if your whole mind is still running blindly on this old and useless "software" because you have consequently trained your mind to do so for years and so it almost doesn't even know anymore how to do different. Really, at first, it felt like there was nothing left of me when I stopped playing those roles, stopped performing. Like I didn't even know how to "be" anymore, because all this time I've been "performing" instead of being. And as soon as I stopped performing there was just nothing left to find of me. So there was a huge sense of emptiness and hollowness in the beginning process. Like I had to start up from zero again, if you know what I mean.
It's crazy when I think about it: because even though it made me go through so much suffering and pain, it still has been lurking somewhere inside of me for so long, this desire to be seen as cool, to impress others, to be one of the popular "in" kids, to belong etc. It's like I was still having difficulties accepting that I will never ever fulfill this desire and that it never has been truly fulfilled. And so at times I still catched myself slipping into these false "modes of being", puffing up, covering up, acting in a way that's not really me, in an attempt to get that certain reaction from people that I want. But even while I'm doing so, and even if i get the wanted reaction, it feels empty and pointless now - it doesn't feel satisfying any more, not in any way. Before, I would almost get a "thrill" of it when people reacted positively to that kind of behaviour. And it's like I sometimes try get this "thrill" back by acting like I did back in these days, but it just doesn't work any more, this good "thrilling" feeling doesn't come back. It's like you're hungry and you wanna eat, but whatever you put into your mouth just falls through your body as if your body was made of air, and you stay hungry.
This feels on the one hand almost despairing, because "How can I ever get this boost, this "emotional feed" again, now that I can't get it in the way I used to ?" On the other hand it's an endlessly redemptive, freeing relief, because I feel now less and less pulled to put on all these disguises because they don't help me anyway no more . And consequently I feel more and more pulled to the only way that I can get back my "emotional feed" again, that is by just being myself and being real and genuine, so that I'm able to finally establish real connection with other people, and also with myself again. It's as if all the time I was starving, but always just eating poison, that maybe looked lovely and seductive, but hollowed me out even more and left me even more hungry after a brief superficial moment of satisfaction - I mean only in an emotional, relational kind of way ( don't know if anyone can follow me up at this point😅)
Now I'd just need to trust in "myself", more, in that it is "enough" that it's not too "weird" or "awkard", too "different". I think this is the point I'm at right now, all I'm left to do is to simply trust and be confident in the possibity of actually showing "myself" and not holding back out of fear that I will be rejected, ridiculed, shamed or whatever, or thinking I won't be able to be a part of this world if I do so because "me" is too different, too "alien". Everything else, the slipping into putting on masks, playing roles and so on, have sort of "outmellowed" and come up only very rarely, if at all. But I'm still having issues with openly being and showing who I am, I'm still holding back, I'm still not open in a sense. I just have to take this last step and have the courage to outwardly show and be all of who I am, to "put my self out there". This is where I am currently at, and what I'm working towards right now.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top