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Thanks to anyone who has the patience to read through this! ^_^
I'm quite sure I'm a 4w5 with some 7w6, 2w1 and 9w1 thrown in there, but I can never settle and I'd like to get to the bottom of it.
I've tried to answer this as honestly as possible with all my flaws, but I find it hard to pass the mess of it through writing...

Prerequisites



What age range are you in?
I'm 19 years old


Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
Potential ADD but undiagnosed and unlikely to be very severe



Main Questions


1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I would say what drives me most in life is sincere understanding of myself and the world around me. I don't really think this can be done if I am in a state of refusal. What I mean by this is that I see most negative feelings like anger, jealousy and greed as a form of rejection of outer circumstance stemming from a poor understanding of oneself, and which therefore need to be surpassed and let go of in order to see clearly, mostly through meditation but also through altering my thought pattern so as to withhold judgement. I've found a good path to this through the study of anthropology, because I feel that through the observation of other cultures and ways of life -especially those which have a high connection to nature and land like the polynesians or native americans- to be so filled with symbolism that the sheer beauty of them is enough to knock prejudice right out of anyone.



2. What were you like as a kid?
I think a bit of context is quite important here... I grew up on a small isolated island in the pacific, where the way of life was what you might call primitive (though we still had cars and a hospital, so not completely cut off), or at least very simple. People didn't have much but it was a really close knit community and everyone would share their food and music, my friends and I would go surfing everyday.... Thinking back to it it was really some kind of utopia, but in my early teens I had to move back to France (my native country) for junior high, right when all the kids start to get into cliques and start wearing make-up or smoking and I was really out of place because I would try to talk to everyone and I probably came off as odd because I much preferred to go building cabanas in the neighboring woods during our lunch breaks and was unconditionally smiley to everyone and half oblivious to the weird looks I got. I haven't changed much really, just become slightly more cynical about human nature.



3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
INTP dad and INFJ mom, both really complex and messed up individuals, split up when I was 2. My dad is rather distant with random outbursts of violent rage, but he always encouraged me to think for myself, plus he's a doctor so he'd always take me with him to the remote islands he'd go to (that needed doctors), so he basically gave me all the openness I am thankful for now. My mother is much more deeply concerned for my well being, always there for me and the fact that she's my shadow type give way to some quite incredible discussions, but she also has her issues with anger (more frequent but less violent). We have such a deep connexion that every time she gets operated on her eye (she's lost some of her vision in it), I somatize and get conjunctivitis.



4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I think I sort of covered this in the first question, but let's say I don't want to become "extinguished" like I see a lot of grown ups become, with no more light or sparks in their eyes, who just drone on through life without really looking at it. I want to have a positive impact on the world, perhaps join a humanitarian organization or do research for UNESCO in protecting cultural patrimony (one of the most interesting things anthropology studies lead to). When I read about tribes being delocated so governments can build highways I want to pound myself into the ground. These civilizations are some of the only ones who have had the wisdom to stay out of this capitalism ego-madness. Please respect their basic rights.



5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
Not really, no... I've always been riddled with self doubt, but nothing concrete or recurring enough to call a fear.



6. a.) How do you see yourself?
I think I'm scattered. I feel thousands of things at once, and my thoughts go in too many directions and it's all very unsettling, but this is just the surface.... I think the deeper ends of me, the ones I am in touch with when I manage to focus, are quite strong and consistent. Joy is a big part of my life.

b.) How do you want others to see you?
I would like them to trust me. To see someone there's no purpose in putting up a shield for, and vice versa, I would also like to be seen as authentic, not as someone who could be hiding some kind of agenda. People usually mistake my kindness for a desire to be liked, which has made me terrified that on some unconscious level, it could be just that. It feels sincere though, and I rarely expect anything in return.

c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
The refusal to see past one's own nose. Open your eyes, darn it!



7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others -2
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you - 1
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else - 3



8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Lord you ask too much of me! ^_^ My basic state is already of wandering, and it is triggered by everything. I couldn't really give you a single place that it takes me, but it usually returns somewhere along the lines of a great feeling of love for the diversity spewing out of our planet. Earlier on the subway I saw 3 hobos playing cards (they all had one stuck to their forehead, can't remember the name of that game). I was so endeared it cheered me up for the whole morning.

9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: Meditation, and meeting truly interesting people who you can tell have thought for themselves
Worst: Realizing the extent of my lack of discipline. Also, up until recently, my INTJ. I see so much intelligence in him and I would have loved for us to have some complicity but he was always terribly distant, with random outbursts of closeness and kindness that kept me holding on until he'd disappear into himself again. He never understood that I didn't want any commitment, just honest communication. He equated my interest in him with neediness, but I just wanted to understand how he thinks and functions to see if any common ground could be found between such different individuals... A sort of challenge, if you will, but I don't think he saw me as enough of an "equal" for this. Perhaps he was right, he surpassed me by far intellectually.



10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger: Can't quite process it. The thing with knowing that how unhealthy it is because you've seen it in meditative states, and then experiencing it once you're no longer in that state of calm and understanding is quite disturbing, because I know that whether I express it or not, it'll be gone within an hour by thinking it over. But I don't repress it entirely: anger is usually a way to reject pain onto something else. I don't think that you're responsible for the way you feel, just for the way that you impose those feelings on others, so I usually wait until I've calmed down and then tell the person they've hurt my feelings. Besides I rarely have to get angry because I usually have quite sincere relationships (apart from my SO, with whom there is little communication) in which we'd rather discuss than attack
b.) shame: Ouch. This mostly happens to me in debates because I can get overly confused if I'm not in the right mood, my thoughts go all over the place and I have trouble driving them into a consistent argument, and end up looking like an insubstantial fool even though it's just that I can't think straight when under pressure. I don't really think there's a way to deal with shame though.
c.) anxiety: I never experience flagrant anxiety, it's always sort of underlying whenever I'm in a bad mood. Enough to be annoying, not enough to know where the hell it's coming from. But it usually makes me laugh at my silly self, nothing grave


11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress: Flip shit and shut down.
b.) negative unexpected change: Depending on the gravity of it, 5 minutes to a few hours of grumpy brooding until I reunite it with my worldview of "this too shall pass". The amount of brooding has consistently shortened with the extensive practice of meditation
c.) conflict: Refuse to enter in it until the other person agrees to discuss things calmly rather than be aggressive about it.


12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
I sort of end up being a goofball, and I like to keep everyone happy and feeling involved (unless they show desire of the contrary). I'll definitely go towards strangers as well, and like to see spontaneous situations spring up. I do this because it makes everything more enjoyable, no other reasons.

b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
I like to let people make their own decisions so I'll usually give vague guidelines. I really don't like power, or responsibility, I'm too indecisive regarding immediate reality.

c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
With my parents, yes... I'm already emancipated and self sustained financially, juggling a full time job and my studies. But at work, a world I'm new to, it's a different story... My manager is adorable and really flexible so no, but the one I had before her was horrible and overbearing, I couldn't work with him for the life of me. I find abuse of power to be one of the least humane things a person can be responsible of, and because it implies a sick overcompensation for an inferiority complex. Let's say I don't mind power per se, I just dislike people who use it to masturbate their ego.



13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Well it depends on the person really, but mostly I'll accept people that others brush off because of an unpleasant characteristic, just because I like to see deeper than face value, and find out where anomaly comes from. I only discard extreme rudeness (and even so, I'll continue to try subsequently through different approaches). I've been highly rewarded for this because I've met people who were definitely worth the struggle. I guess anyone could say they do this though... (haha that's a four indicator right there)



14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
It's rather difficult to find for me because I've yet to meet someone who agreed to unconditional respect, which I think is required for absolute trust to be possible. Well I did date an INFP for a month who I found harmony with on this level but he became far too dependent, which I hate. But I've also found that learning to trust people who have their own issues to deal with (and therefore may lash out) can be strengthening, even if I still have trouble doing so.
This is only my own vision of it though, I guess I see things on a different scale because my close ones are always commenting on how easily I trust everyone (sometimes too easily)



15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
I'm what you could call a-political, though much more left wing if you have to ask. The whole occidental functioning just irks me though, I think I'll rejoin a subsistence economy at some point in life.
Religiously I relate to Taoist and Buddhist ideologies but I'm not wild about the dogmatic aspects. I do believe strongly in the powers of meditation.



What's something you are:
a.) thankful you have

This is the part where I really come off as crazy, but it's important to who I am. I am thankful for a recurring persona in my lucid dreams. I'd originally seen him in a Navaho mythology book, his name is kokopelli, the god of joy and fertility. In the legend, the destiny of man is supposedly his idea of a joke, which explained why nothing in the world makes sense. I'm weary of religious beliefs but I found the concept to be very touching, to have a neither malignant nor kind spirit ruling the earth, but rather a jester. He's kind of a Rafiki-like figure if anyone likes the lion king. Anyways in my dreams he is a shadow on the walls and he always has a few cryptic words of wisdom for me. I have a tattoo of him on my shoulder.
b.) wish you could have? Why?
Self discipline, because my messiness of mind is what's getting in the way of all my potential. I'm slowly acquiring it, though.


 
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