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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
For starters, I consider my inner world to be very intense, explosive even, and emotionally expressive. The type of music I listen to complements what I feel inside most of the time, and this short sample would be quite a good example of such:


- I'm scared to disappoint others or to underperform, hence I never give promises if I'm not enough convinced that I can see them through to the end. And due to my lack of confidence even in the things I am genuinely good at, I often avoid giving promises at all. I see every promise as a pact or a contract, and not being able to meet my obligations of that pact feels scary. If I however do give a promise and still fail to complete it, I feel that my personal dignity/honor is tarnished.

- I'm scared of talking to people on the phone (even video calls) and prefer direct physical contact instead. I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like speaking to a person directly gives me more options to defend myself as well as to better convey my message. Likewise, due to this fear of distance, I also dislike addressing large groups of people and prefer small ones.

- I'm scared to die without having understood the underlying meaning of every phenomenon of existence, be it: "why people act this way in this particular situation?" or "what's the purpose of seeking answers?" or "why the universe created such a thing as confusion? What function does being confused have?"


- I'm an extremely sensitive person. I always take all things said to me to heart, and spend a lot of time dissecting every single word, to understand the meaning and emotion conveyed in it towards me. My hyper emotional sensitivity can even cause physical health issues. But I am very good at hiding this side of me. So good at hiding it, that people simply see me as a robot, or a person who "doesn't know how to love", or "a person without a heart."
I find the vast emotional data I collect to be important and useful/functional, but I don't want others to know that I am collecting and analysing it. I feel that having my emotional side exposed will be detrimental to my security and survival. It will be easier for others to control or manipulate me if they'll find my soft spot.

- If I try hard enough, I might be pretty good at seeing the world from another person's pespective, hence why I tend to have good ability to understand other people's problems, as I hypothethically apply them to myself and observe my emotional reactions to those problems. But this entire process needs to be started consciously, and takes effort. Most of the time this talent is sleeping, and I might end up ignoring other people's problems by mere unintentional neglect.

- Despite being emotionally sensitive and insecure, I nevertheless enjoy being a leader. And I feel almost oblidged to take leadership roles among my friends or relatives. If the real world would be an MMORPG, then I would feel obligated to be the MVP or the tank-class. This is because I am for some reason convinced that, regardless of how intelligent or skilled I am compared to the rest of the group, it is only I who has the passion necessary to lead the group to victory. I see it as my mission to be the flagship. And if I won't become the flagship, then I'll feel worthless. Having people rely on me as a leader is also what brings me additional courage to do the things I would normally be scared to do as a follower.

- I'm good at manipulating my way out of problems. I have a natural talent to be evasive enough to avoid getting caught or called out, but not too evasive to be accused of evasion/manipulation. As an example, if I am asked to report on a sensitive issue, I can muster a response that seems very informative, but at the same time leaves the main point of the question unaswered.

- I'm very good at explaining tasks, theories, problems to other people. I even often had to act as a semi-tutor for my classmates who struggled with school subjects. I would often not only explain the problem from all possible perspectives, but I would also come up with many innovative methods for the person to practice in order to master or understand a subject. However, I'm also good at explaining feelings or relationships, hence people often run to me for advice no matter what kind of problems they encounter in life. Some of my acquaintances even said that they saw me as a "priest" or a "mage" in their dreams, who leads them out of a dark maze or out of a haunted house.


- I have a tendency to overdo things. If, let's say, I start engaging in daily physical exercise, I will exercise to the point of developing heart or muscle problems. If I start a language-study hobby, in which I must study an X amount of knowledge per day, I will end up overworking myself and studying way more than I had originally planned to. My general tendency is to apply more effort or more force than is required, and this always leads to problems.

- I'm bad with accuracy and details, as I tend to prioritize the bigger picture and have no patience for or interest in engaging in a long dragged out process to achieve a result. If I would read a book, I would start from the last chapter.

- I'm bad at saying "no" to people. Whenever someone asks me for help, there's a 99.8% chance that I will accept to help. And usually people end up taking advantage of me for this exact reason. When I really don't want to help, instead of saying "no", I will come up with some kind of situation that will make it impossible for that person to request help from me.

- I don't and can't hold grudges against people, and forgive them too quickly and too easily. If I am however very angry, I am quite likely to express this anger through silence and avoidance, instead of telling that person what he did wrong. I acknowledge silence as a legitimate and most effective form of torture. Let the person figure out what he did wrong himself, and suffer the entire process as he does it.

- I'm very sensitive to other people's opinions. On the surface I might say "I don't care about his/her opinion, don't waste my time", but on the inside I will spend several weeks processing and analyzing every single bit of that opinion. I don't believe that the legitimacy of an opinion can be determined by the person's education or IQ. For some reason I am fully convinced that even the supidest person on the planet can understand something better than the most educated of professors. The chance of such happening is very slim, but I don't like taking chances. Hence every opinion deserves my full attention, no matter how crazy or disconnected it may be from reality.


- I consider myself to be extremely sensitive and weak, BUT I also am able to endure and overcome pain/hardship (physical and emotional) better than others. My endurance threshold always remained a mystery to me. Maybe the fact that I always try to find positive points in every negative situation, and succeed in doing so. For example: "every bad experience is still an experience." or "every misfortune is a wakeup call to become more strategic and conscious of dangers."

- I lack so much confidence in myself, that I even distrust my ability to arrive at correct logical conclusions about everything in life (be it science, relationships, etc.), which is why I always question those conclusions, and then question my methods of questioning my conclusions. BUT externally, people always comment that they see me as an extremely confident person, one who is fit for leading, one who always has his own personal opinion, one who isn't scared to be the "odd one out", rebel against group opinion, and one who isn't scared to fight to the end. Additionally, they say that I tend to have a domineering/powerful presence.

- I'm a very lazy person. It's common for me to sleep way too much, to have a messy room, to neglect my schedule or chores. Sometimes I'm even too lazy to breathe (figuratively speaking) and too lazy to eat (literally speaking) which is why I'm kinda underweight. BUT, just as with my sensitivity, I go to great lenghts to hide these faults, and put great effort into appearing elegant, tidy, ordered, coordinated and vigilant. I guess you could say my motto is: "be elegant in everything, at all times, at any cost", but I apply this mentality only in the presence of others. If I am by myself, I become the exact opposite of that ideal. I had received compliments praising my elegance from almost everyone I've met in life. (and only few know of my messy side)

Additional points:

- I had consciously chosen to be admitted into a religion at the age of 22, because I believe in divinity. But I have a very unique personal opinion of how faith and divinity functions, to the point that I could be identified as a heretic.
- I believe in magic and am attracted to all things mystical.
- I believe that even if the physical body and brain of the human being is limited, human passion can overcome any barrier and reach any height imaginable.
- My dream job is to work in intelligence. Field spying and deskjob analysis both sound attractive. Alternatively, working as a diplomat would be interesting as well.
- Favorite genres in fiction: military thrillers, spy thrillers, supernatural and magical themes.
- I have a weird tendency to mimic other people. This happens automatically and I quickly become conscious of it. I might end up imitating the accent of another person, his style of speech, his way of walking, his facial expressions, his gestures, even his thoughts. I kind of hate this part of me, as I feel like my individuality is being stolen from me, but I just can't help it.
- I find it difficult to tolerate other people's weaknesses, which is why I might appear tyrannical towards overly soft or disorganized people.

Images that I perceive as inspiring:

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