[Oprah]

PREAMBLE 1

I always knew I wasn't the most stable person. That's just been part of me for years. I can be over-the-top screaming and happy one minute, and depressed/over-dramatic the next. It's just how I've always been. But everyone's like that in some way, so I guess me saying that isn't remotely groundbreaking or indicative of anything.

Anyway, growing up it would pose problems here and there, I guess. I just remember always being THE most stank person who would go on tirades and crusades over the smallest of things. I'd randomly hate people for the stupidest reasons... like venomous and completely one-sided hatred. Like some guy was always "too arrogant while answering the teacher's questions" in my math class in high-school, for example, and I'd spend so much time bothering my friends outlining all the 6548 reasons he was supposedly "The Worst Person Alive." Meanwhile I doubt he even knew what my name was, and we never even talked to each other.

And that kind of drama spread online too. Look at my post history here, for instance... I dunno, it's less extreme, but I seemed to be constantly picking fights with people over "TYPISM AGAINST S-TYPES!!!" and I wouldn't let up. I've been active online for about 10 years now. For the longest time, probably 80% of those years... I constantly fought with people online over the pettiest things. And I'd get incredibly worked up and emotional over it, thinking, "All of you on this site are idiots and out to get me!!!" or "your post is laced with hidden insults so that you can attack me without getting banned!!!" (that was my most common go-to) and just all-around drama, playing the victim, stirring up trouble for no reason, etc. Again, on this site there's evidence of me doing this just 2 years ago even, where I was already in my 20s. I've kind of mellowed out with the fighting online now, but now I just find it more embarrassing than anything why it took me so long to stop and take a step back.

I'm a long-time reality TV fan too. And I just get so invested into the shows (Survivor, Big Brother, etc.) -- to the point where if I have favorites, I have to look up spoilers. If I don't, I'm going to be a complete wreck, and a screaming rage-filled mess both online and in real life if anything goes wrong. E.g. "WHAT A PIECE OF TRASH!!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH, I HOPE HE DIES WHILE THEY'RE FILMING THE SHOW! IT NEEDS TO BE CANCELLED!!!" and this rage will ruin the rest of my evening. I've legitimately said all of that before... like I'll get blood-boiling rage over the results of these reality TV shows, and I've never understood why. It's the same way with video games. I've never reacted to those appropriately, and I'd be the poster child for "gamer rage"... sometimes at cringe levels.

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PREAMBLE 2

That's kind of a pre-face. I've always been very emotionally sensitive, volatile, etc., but until recently it's never given me that many issues aside from looking like an idiot online. Or gotten me into trouble at school when I was younger for fighting, arguing with teachers, etc. I like to think I got it from my parents, and my older sibling... all of whom have proven capable of throwing screaming meltdowns at the drop of a hat. They still do, actually.

That being said, my childhood... yeah. That can be its own 800 page post. I know it wasn't nearly as bad as "bad" households can be, and I was fortunate in many ways. Again, though, if I were to delve into some of the issues I had growing up, this post would be enormous.

Let's just say I have next to 0 self-esteem some days, and I look through some pictures of when I was a teenager and I was so self-conscious and insecure I was hunched over in all of them. Now however many years later? Some days I'm more confident, others I feel like I'm the most insecure and self-conscious person who has ever lived.

Anyway, I've always known I've struggled with depression/anxiety. I've never been formally diagnosed with either of them, but I can't remember not struggling. I don't feel I even need a diagnosis to say it, because it's just always been there. Though it's been manageable... it didn't start to get worse until my late teens/early 20s.

I keep saying it's always something I've struggled with, and that's true. But the depression/anxiety was never something that, I felt, started impacting my life until a few years ago. I was always able to just push through, and it wouldn't be too severe or last too long. But in my later years of college I remember spending so many nights lying on my bed with my lights on not wanting to go to sleep... and then unable to sleep because I just felt so terrible and my mind wouldn't stop racing.


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FRIENDHIPS

All that garbage earlier was to just set the stage, I dunno. To just kind of give a brief overview of what my mental state has been like, before getting into the rest. Because I did title this post "no friends," so I should probably expand on it.

I scrolled through my phone the other day, and I hadn't texted anyone who wasn't a family member or work colleague in like 8 moths.

I can be severely insecure, but I'm not shy. I make a great first impression when meeting new friends (depending on the circumstances), and when starting a new job and stuff I'm always excited to jump in and join group activities.

I'm a complete chatterbox in this stage, over-the-top, exhibitionistic, and everything else on that level. Depending on how much I like the person, I'll divulge my entire life's story and just over-share so much. Everything is going great, and things seem on track for some successful relationships.

And then? I don't even know. Just read up a few paragraphs. All my friendships start out great, and yet...? I can't seem to maintain them. There are only 4 people I still keep in touch with from my entire high-school and college career. And like I said, even with them, for all 4 of them it's been 8-10 months since we last texted. In a new environment I'll have good friends and we'll do a ton of stuff together, but then as time goes on, I find myself alone more and more. I know kind of what it is, but at the same time, I don't know how to stop.

RANDOMLY HATING FRIENDS

All it takes is one comment, one facial expression, anything, and then the seed is set. I've done it so often in the past, that I can recognize it now, but I still can't stop myself from doing it. Once I first think, "oh, it was annoying when he/she did that," I know it's just going to be an insidious thought.

Let's call one friend "Alice." First we were having a meal with a group of friends, and she made an innocent comment about what I was eating. It made me angry and self-conscious, and uncomfortable. There was a tinge of resentment after the comment, but I brushed it aside.

As time went on, though? As I said, it was an insidious thought. From that point forward, anything Alice did, my brain would find a way to twist it and criticize it. I remember for weeks having an internal struggle in my head thinking, "no, this is your friend, stop," but I was unable... and now? She's someone I strongly dislike. It's not fair at all, and I tried to stop myself along the way, but I don't think I'll ever be friends with her again... both because I don't want to be, and because I doubt she'd want to be friends with me either, because I was rude/cold to her several times for no reason.

This example is from a singular instance, but it happens all the time. A friend will do something that vaguely puts me off, and it's innocuous at the time... but then as time goes on, any tiny thing they do I'll criticize.

One super close friendship got strained in college. We still talk, but not nearly as much. We were lab partners, and were nearing best friend territory... which is something I'd NEVER had. But then? I don't even know... I just went completely psychotic for no reason. And not just once, but consistently for MONTHS. Every tiny thing he did, I would criticize, or take offense at. And I was always starting pointless arguments for no reason... then during the labs I would have emotional breakdowns and we'd argue more, because I was an idiot making a scene... and I'd even get insecure and I'd always accuse him of: "YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT!!!!" Once he was working on our project during a spot of free time... and I snuck up behind him, took pictures of his computer, and then confronted him about it yelling, "HOW DARE YOU WORK ON THIS WITHOUT ME!?? YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?" ...even though I was lazy at the time and, if asked, probably would have wanted him to do most of the work anyway.

That whole timeframe... it's ridiculous, and I don't understand why I was acting that way. Like constantly yelling at him, accusing him of "disrespecting me," etc. And then him and our third friend started to become closer friends, and I feel like I must have gotten jealous... I'd always make jabs if the two of them were together. And then the following term he switched lab partners to a 4th friend instead of me, and that had me a little crazy as well. I iced him out for months and acted like a complete jerk. I'm amazed he still returns my texts now... though things did mellow out in the end before we graduated and went our separate ways.

AVOIDING/LEAVING FRIENDS TO MAKE THEM "JEALOUS" OR FEEL BAD

I did this in high-school, and still do it now. In high-school I'd ditch my current friend group if they hurt my feelings over something, or if they annoyed me by doing something. Then I'd go join up with a new friends group... and I'd take great pride in spending time with that new group. And I'd make a point to walk past my old friends, with my new friends, thinking in my head "don't make eye-contact, but look super confident!" Like I'd randomly think my friends hate me, based on innocuous comments or facial expressions I read too much into, and I'd ditch them to "show them up for it."

And I would do that, and then I'd stop being mad, and I'd go back to my original group... and I'd just kind of swap around in that way. As if ditching my friend group gave me a "power/adrenaline rush" over them. Kind of a "look how happy I am without you," type of thing... even though, really, the friends I was mad at never did anything in the first place. I was just irrationally mad at them over something stupid.

I dunno, I feel like that's kind of my "signature" thing to do. Just one day, randomly start ignoring my friends, and then come back weeks/months later as if nothing happened.

I'm doing it now, even... I've been legitimately sneaking out of the office at lunch for my last 2 months at work specifically to avoid my work friends. I'll admit there's manipulation to it, that I can't deny. I've had a terrible few months, and a huge reason is most definitely, "my friends will worry about me if I'm not around! I hope they'll think of me when I just don't show up." I know doing that is gross and manipulative... but even though I know I'm doing it, I can't really just stop doing it, and I'll probably sneak out of the office to eat alone tomorrow too. And then in a couple weeks, I'll go back and start eating with them again as if nothing happened. It's what I always do.

SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

I can be pretty good with social interactions... and as I said before, I'm often bubbly, chatty, and exhibitionistic. Some days I'll be cracking jokes, telling my life's story, etc... the complete and unchallenged center of attention. Or I'll just be a positive contributor to the conversation. But other days, I just literally sit there and say nothing. I sit there, bored out of my mind, and couldn't care less about what anyone is saying. And my mind fills with negative thoughts, like, "who do these people think they are, talking about such boring and pretentious stuff," Which I know is a gross thing to think about friends... but that's what goes through my mind, and I'm hoping for you guys to maybe know what's wrong with me if I divulge as much as I can in this giant post.

Additionally, if there's a group lunch or something, and my "close friends" are there in addition to "less close friends" or acquaintances... I'll get incredible anxiety if I'm not sitting next to my "close friends." Not because I'm uncomfortable around the other people, but because I feel "left out"... like... my head I'll be thinking, "I have an hour to talk to my closest friends and get to know each other more. But they're sitting at the opposite side of the table talking to other people, who aren't me." And I'll actually get angry/anxious/etc... like heart-beating fast, sweating, etc. Especially if they're talking to someone I don't like. Remember Alice from before? Many times my "best work friends" were sitting at the opposite side of the lunch table with Alice, me on the other end outside of the conversation... and any time that happened, I'd go back to my cubicle and cry. Not even exaggerating, I'd legitimately cry when that happened.

And really, I get so stressed out sometimes when it comes to friendships. Many times I'll get scared of the prospect of how much work it would take to maintain the friendship, or how the two of us may not be compatible as friends... and I'll just keep them at an arm's length. So it's as though I'm searching for "close friend" candidates, and screen many people out right away. And if there are no "valid candidates" then I often find myself getting depressed.

CONSEQUENCES

Well, as I've already mentioned a few times... I'm not able to maintain friendships very well at all. Obviously I'm self-aware to some of the aspects, but I just get over-run with emotion and neuroticism that I wind up destroying or hurting the friendship in some way. And it all just goes back to what I said near the beginning: I really only have like 4 friends from high-school/college I still keep in touch with. Yet we haven't texted in months, and I don't think I've met any of them face-to-face in about a year.

It's incredibly lonely, and depressing. And I've longed for a "best friend" my entire life, and have never had one aside from a few weeks when I was 5 years old. Or... it's always one-sided. I view someone as "my best friend," but in their eyes, I know I'm always #3, #4, or even lower for them. And yeah... I still have acquaintances who like and comment on my social media posts and stuff (which I also like to dramatically disappear from), but I don't have any close friends at the moment. And I always struggled with having any at all.

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RELATIONSHIPS

Oh jeeze... This is why I'm making the thread in the first place. The friend thing? That's always happened. The depression/anxiety has been with me forever. But when it comes to relationships? Ugh... "love"/infatuation/etc. has left me completely incapacitated in all aspects of life. And not just a little bit, but for MONTHS. Like completely unable to function in daily life levels...

Well first off, to clarify a bit, I've never actually been in a relationship... even though I'm in my mid 20s. But that's a story for another time, and I'm not going to get into it here. This actually scares me a bit. Because if I'm this crazy at the prospect of a relationship, then I have no idea what to expect with the real thing.

Anyway, this was an entire saga that took over my entire life at the end of 2016. A friend started to feel like more than a friend. We "clicked" really well, did everything together, and I was getting 'signals' that they liked me back... prolonged eye-contact, touching, etc.

And then for a few weeks/months, I was over the moon. I was the happiest I remember being in a while (or ever?), and floated through every day. I'd shake eating breakfast in the morning with excitement over what kind of interaction we'd have, etc.

I legitimately ignored everyone else if we were ever in a group setting, as rude as it was, I just couldn't help myself. And this went on for a month or two. I felt kind of like their "puppy dog" kind of following them around, hanging onto every word. And the more we talked, the happier I got.

Then things took a turn. I started getting extremely jealous if I ever saw them talking to anyone else, even though we were just friends. A simple conversation with someone else often had me sitting at my desk at work in tears an hour later, full of anxiety.

And one day I was having an emotional breakdown about something unrelated at work, and I ruined everything. I texted this person to comfort me about the thing that went wrong at work. I was blatantly trying to manipulate a conversation with me over text: "They'll HAVE to reply if I'm upset. And then after we talk over the crisis, we'll continue texting afterwards, and we'll get closer." Like the emotional turmoil from the day at work was real... but I was taking advantage of it to try to manipulate my friend into talking to me.

But it didn't go over well. They never replied, which prompted me to send longer and longer text paragraphs, as I was getting more and more upset about the fact that they weren't replying. And eventually I just ended up sounding very cringe, unstable, and just all-around needy/clingy.

We talked about it the next day, and the air was cleared... but in my head? No. I had myself convinced, "something's wrong, they hate me now." Cue several months of emotional torture. I don't know how many times I approached this friend in tears saying, "Why are you acting so cold with me today!?" and I was always reassured, "everything's fine, it's all in your head."

But no. I couldn't get over it, and I was incredibly paranoid, anxious, and extremely sad 24/7. I took the slightest facial expression as a punch to the gut, and I'd be in tears. Every single day. And the jealousy about friends talking to Alice I mentioned way before in this post? Multiply that feeling by 500.

It was such a roller-coaster, though. This friend would wave to me in the morning, and I'd be over the moon and in my head I'd be thinking "everything's fine, I'm so happy, this friendship will last." And then something else would happen shortly thereafter, and I'd be feeling the exact opposite and crying. And it was like that every day, and it was exhausting.

We've moved our separate ways since, but when that whole saga was on-going, I was completely unable to function. I couldn't get any work done at my job, because my emotions were in a constant state of going up/down... and I was obsessing over every tiny detail. And then in the months that followed? The friendship kind of ended... or at least for now... and I don't think I've ever been so incapacitated over something before. For a few months I'd cry every day, and I just couldn't function. It still affects me now, however long it's been, but a bit less. Though some days I'll still get random and intense paranoia that all my friends are talking behind my back... and that's an awful feeling and I'll cry, but at least it's much less frequent now. Even if I'm still very depressed lately.

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CONCLUSIONS

Overall, I just feel so stuck in the rut of life with all of this that has gone on. I'm not happy with my job, my living situation, or anything of the sort... and I constantly have urges to quit my job, move across the country, and just "figure it out from there." Several times I was a hair away from doing that, but had a commitment and needed to stay.

It's just been a terrible several months... almost over a year now. And as I said, the depression/anxiety stuff was always there, and the friend stuff was too. But I also know it's always something I've needed to address, but have put off. Combine that with the "relationship" stuff, and how hard the last year has been... I dunno, I just need advice or help in some way.

There's a bit I left out, like minor self-harm stuff, but you kind of have the gist anyway.

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Obviously self-diagnosis is bad, but I also feel like it would be beneficial if I had a bit of an idea. Because like I said, with my emotional/mental state... it's been a bit of a torturous few months, and I know I need to take steps in feeling better.

I can research until the cows come home, but as I said... I hate self-diagnosing. Even for something like personality types, I don't like doing it. But when it comes to mental health? Then doubly-so, obviously, I'd like some opinions here that are not my own.

I feel like I must have something wrong with me... or at least I hope so, as weird as that is to say. Like, yeah, it's dumb for me to want there to be something "wrong" with me, but at the same time... I'd feel better if I "had something" so that I'd at least know it's not just a case of me being hopelessly inept. You know what I mean?

So I know playing "armchair psychologist" can be damaging, yeah... but I'd also greatly appreciate it, lol. I know I'm going to need to get myself help for something, and I will. In the meantime, I'm just hoping for some advice/insight as to what I might be struggling with.
​

 

[Skeletalz]

Go see a psychologist.

 

[8jaaroud]

I skimmed over this because I'm lazy, but from what I've read:

Go see a damn psychologist.

This issue seems a bit too complex for any average forum user to figure out without talking to you in person.

 

[charlie.elliot]

It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness, which is really great. The fact that you can describe your own behavior and recognize that it's a problem is an extremely healthy thing to do and will help you, I think.

I would definitely agree that you should seek professional help, possibly even see a psychiatrist. It seems like your emotional volatility is outside the realm of normal.

 

[Red Panda]

Definitely need a psychologist.
As it's been said, your self-awareness is a good thing and an indication that things can improve, but it needs work with a professional.
Now I'm not a professional so take this with a grain of salt, but what you describe reminds me of borderline personality.

 

[Penny]

sounds like you might want to watch out for bipolar. bouts of mania and depression, sometimes ranging from one extreme right to the other, racing thoughts, sleep problems, paranoia or persecutory delusions and obsession. do you ever go on manic spending sprees and buy stupid crap that you never even really wanted or bought for some odd reason? that can be another symptom of bipolar disorder.

 

[Daiz]

You and I have a lot in common. We're both unstable, neurotic and we turn against the people close to us over the smallest things. That story with Alice was SO relatable. I'm going through it with someone right now.

We both need to see psychologists.

 

[Zeus]

Shot in the dark here, maybe cyclthemic bipolar?

 

[apropos]

.

 

[LaMagnifique]

I think you would greatly benefit from Narrative Therapy. If you dig deep enough into your past, with the help of your family to provide you insightful information of your childhood/ family dynamics, you will come to understand the deeply rooted behaviors you realize in yourself today and ultimately move on healthier than ever.

Good luck!

 

[Westy365]

Okay, so that was super long, so I'm gonna try to keep this brief.

If something is bothering you about a friend, you need to talk about it—all of it—with that friend (preferably one on one, so it stays private and only between the people it concerns). Transparency and trust are important in strengthening friendships, and if you try to hide things and start having frequent negative thoughts, you'll spiral into paranoia, and any condition you may have will only get worse. The fact that you recognize that your thoughts/reactions aren't normal is good—letting people know that will help your case.

I view someone as "my best friend," but in their eyes, I know I'm always #3, #4, or even lower for them.​

Here's a lesson I've learned over the years: don't try to have one best friend, and don't rank your friends in your head. Don't rank yourself among other people's friends list. Just know if you are close or not, and don't make it too complicated. Comparing yourself to someone else (in terms of how many friends they have or how you rank on a friend list) is NEVER a good idea, and will always result in feelings of doubt (and if you for some reason do feel like you're number 1, then you'll either become arrogant about it or you'll have a pang of shock when you find out that changes/was never true).

Other than my wife, I don't have a best friend; I have good friends and I go to each of them for different things (I share different hobbies/interests with different friends). Hollywood tries to convey these movie friendships where two people are "best friends," but I've found that to be more the exception than the rule (it's pretty rare—at least, on a deeper level between two self-aware individuals).



My wife's aunt is a paranoid schizophrenic, and because she freaks out and is unable/refuses to accept that she needs help, she has lost her family. I've never met her, but apparently she can twist anything anyone says or does into something malicious, as if they are "out to get her/don't like her."

Honestly, the timing of how this progressed sounds like what I understand to be a form of mental disorder (the late teens/early twenties is a time many people "come into" their mental illnesses).

I can't tell you what that is—it could be manic bipolar disorder, it could be paranoid schizophrenia, it could be something else or all of the above. What I can tell you is that you need to see a psychiatrist (they can give you medicine if you have a mental disorder, and can diagnose what your problem might be).

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Just remember to love yourself—having a healthy self-esteem will definitely help you on your road to better mental/emotional health. Here's an e-hug just for you. :hug:

 

[Oprah]

Thank you, everyone. I know I'm over a month late in following up... but I was planning on waiting a bit before replying. Then I got sidetracked and never carved out a pool of time to reply until now. Not that I've been that busy in real life, but this isn't a site I check every day now like it may have been in 2014.

To those saying I should see a psychologist, yes. I 100% agree, and I hope to soon. I was actually seeing one over a year ago. But it was because I had crippling existential dread and couldn't function on a day-to-day basis... So like a very specific thing, and I had to put my long-standing issues on the backburner because every day was a struggle for that one specific problem. And it wasn't the best "patient-to-client" fit either: I felt apprehensive with her, and wasn't comfortable being completely open.

So I'll definitely start taking steps to find a new psychologist, or psychiatrist... but who knows how long that will take. Unless I want to pay an arm and a leg, I need to jump through the necessary hoops to get it covered by my insurance. Then there's the matter of finding the right one, etc... so yeah, it's going to be a process for sure. And days are still very tough... I've been isolating myself worse and worse lately, but this post is just meant to be a follow-up, so I'm not going to go into too much detail.

Now to address a few specific comments...

It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness, which is really great. The fact that you can describe your own behavior and recognize that it's a problem is an extremely healthy thing to do and will help you, I think.

I dunno, I feel like I've always been self-aware, and it's something I put effort into. I'm very introspective, and I'm typically able to articulate my feelings well. Under normal circumstances, at least. If I'm flustered or uncomfortable I can become incoherent or delusional in the moment... but usually once I calm down, I self-reflect and can assess my actions/feelings. The thing is that, even with this self-awareness it never seems to matter. It's like I'm watching myself doing these things, knowing they're bad, and not being able to stop myself. Or being irrationally upset about something, knowing it's irrational, but not being able to calm myself down.

Definitely need a psychologist.
As it's been said, your self-awareness is a good thing and an indication that things can improve, but it needs work with a professional.
Now I'm not a professional so take this with a grain of salt, but what you describe reminds me of borderline personality.

See, as someone in 2017 who knows there's something troubling them... I've of course googled around. And searching through the lists of "personality disorders," etc... some of them match me very well. Borderline was one that sounded a lot like me, but we can't self-diagnose from Wikipedia. And a few other matched too, to the point where I thought, "I must have some combination of these," but who knows.

Additionally, I read somewhere online something like, "If you think you might have BPD, then you 100% don't, because you'd think everyone else is the problem." And like... that just had me thinking that it couldn't be me then, because I'm too self-aware of the fact that I'm exhibiting problematic behavior? I dunno... Like, it would be a relief for a psychiatrist to tell me, "You have X" just so that the guessing is finally over... but until then? I've just been trying to stay impartial, even though I score very high on those, "do you have this disorder?" quizzes online.

sounds like you might want to watch out for bipolar. bouts of mania and depression, sometimes ranging from one extreme right to the other, racing thoughts, sleep problems, paranoia or persecutory delusions and obsession. do you ever go on manic spending sprees and buy stupid crap that you never even really wanted or bought for some odd reason? that can be another symptom of bipolar disorder.

Yeah, this has crossed my mind too. It might be the case, and I've given it some consideration. I've heard of the disorder before, and when it's mentioned I always have that voice at the back of my mind saying "maybe you have that." However... the main discrepancy based on what I've read is the length of the mood swings. I do have very extreme moods... but it's more of a day-by-day thing. I can relate to the "mania"/obsession/etc., but if that ever happens it shows up randomly, and only lasts a few hours, or a day. Same with extreme bouts of sadness... like I'll be lying on the floor crying and extremely depressed... but it goes away if I address what's troubling me, or at least after a few hours.

Spending sprees? Hm... that's not the easiest question for me to answer. I don't have much autonomy right now, the reasons for which could fill another essay. Short version of my answer -- I just don't have enough life experience to know for sure how I handle money.

I think you would greatly benefit from Narrative Therapy. If you dig deep enough into your past, with the help of your family to provide you insightful information of your childhood/ family dynamics, you will come to understand the deeply rooted behaviors you realize in yourself today and ultimately move on healthier than ever.

Good luck!

The history/relationship with my parents and family is very complicated. Like a few other things in my big post here, that could warrant an entirely different thread on its own. I think your suggestion would be very helpful for me, but probably not at the current time... and it's hard for me to explain why without a massive essay.

My parents are very unpredictable. Sometimes they're reasonable and supportive. Other times, a seemingly tiny criticism or comment could send them into white-hot screaming rage. I spent a lot of time growing up self-reflecting and asking myself, "how can I navigate topics without an extreme reaction?" ...and even still, they surprise me sometimes.

That's not even touching on my older sibling... who, in my opinion, is an expert at gas-lighting. That's something I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs upon paragraphs about, so I won't get too much into it...

But all the above to say, there's still a lot of things unresolved/unaddressed from my childhood. I just worry it's going to be very difficult to address when the time comes.

Okay, so that was super long, so I'm gonna try to keep this brief.

If something is bothering you about a friend, you need to talk about it—all of it—with that friend (preferably one on one, so it stays private and only between the people it concerns). Transparency and trust are important in strengthening friendships, and if you try to hide things and start having frequent negative thoughts, you'll spiral into paranoia, and any condition you may have will only get worse. The fact that you recognize that your thoughts/reactions aren't normal is good—letting people know that will help your case.



Here's a lesson I've learned over the years: don't try to have one best friend, and don't rank your friends in your head. Don't rank yourself among other people's friends list. Just know if you are close or not, and don't make it too complicated. Comparing yourself to someone else (in terms of how many friends they have or how you rank on a friend list) is NEVER a good idea, and will always result in feelings of doubt (and if you for some reason do feel like you're number 1, then you'll either become arrogant about it or you'll have a pang of shock when you find out that changes/was never true).

Other than my wife, I don't have a best friend; I have good friends and I go to each of them for different things (I share different hobbies/interests with different friends). Hollywood tries to convey these movie friendships where two people are "best friends," but I've found that to be more the exception than the rule (it's pretty rare—at least, on a deeper level between two self-aware individuals).



My wife's aunt is a paranoid schizophrenic, and because she freaks out and is unable/refuses to accept that she needs help, she has lost her family. I've never met her, but apparently she can twist anything anyone says or does into something malicious, as if they are "out to get her/don't like her."

Honestly, the timing of how this progressed sounds like what I understand to be a form of mental disorder (the late teens/early twenties is a time many people "come into" their mental illnesses).

I can't tell you what that is—it could be manic bipolar disorder, it could be paranoid schizophrenia, it could be something else or all of the above. What I can tell you is that you need to see a psychiatrist (they can give you medicine if you have a mental disorder, and can diagnose what your problem might be).

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Just remember to love yourself—having a healthy self-esteem will definitely help you on your road to better mental/emotional health. Here's an e-hug just for you. :hug:

I feel like my post is too long at this point, but I just want to thank you for this comment. The point you made about not ranking friends or worrying about whether I'm someone's "#1"... it's stuck with me, and I know it's going to be a valuable piece of wisdom moving forward.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, really. It's late for me, and I'm getting quite tired... I'm sure there's incoherence and run-on sentences galore... but I do appreciate the advice and support.

I don't think I'm struggling any more/less than I was a month ago, but I'm at least ready to start the process of finding a psychiatrist.

And that's not to say this thread is closed either... if anyone wants to comment further, feel free. And thank you, one last time <3

 

[Antipode]

Random curiosity.

Was the relationship section involving another guy?

 

[Red Panda]

Additionally, I read somewhere online something like, "If you think you might have BPD, then you 100% don't, because you'd think everyone else is the problem." And like... that just had me thinking that it couldn't be me then, because I'm too self-aware of the fact that I'm exhibiting problematic behavior? I dunno... Like, it would be a relief for a psychiatrist to tell me, "You have X" just so that the guessing is finally over... but until then? I've just been trying to stay impartial, even though I score very high on those, "do you have this disorder?" quizzes online.

I know that to be true for narcissistic personality disorder, not BPD. I think the severity of the emotions and changes in them in BPD makes people understand that they can't function even if they blame others, it's just too much. Narcissists are just incapable of reflecting on their behavior so they never seek help as they literally always believe others are at fault.

So yea, do find a doctor and hopefully it will get better

 

[Laeona]

I'm getting the "Borderline Personality Disorder" vibe.

Your behavior is the type of things my mother would do in her life with the people around her. The closer she was to someone, the more erratic and intense her emotional outbursts would be. She'd misconstrue body language and verbal meanings, and blow them completely out of proportion. Probably when she was younger, she might have been more aware of this internal process, but as she's gotten older, it's become so ingrained, she probably has no idea she's doing it, and can't reverse it.

My sister showed signs of following this behavior, but at some point, when she started having kids, she made the conscious decision that she DIDN'T want to continue in this pattern. She struggles with it, and still has outbursts. But I think it is something, if caught early and the person wants to change it to healthier patterns, it can be done. Btw, my sister constantly suffers from depression in her life, and always has.

We can only guess here though. Check into BPD. But if you want to definitely know, seek professional assessment.

And thank you. You provide an eloquent window into the internal process you struggle with. Your examples and ability to break down the processes you use were amazing in their self-awareness and "large picture" attributes. I think you have what it takes to conquer this.

As a side note: I also think you'd make a great writer. You have that gift.

P.S. I think Borderline Personality Disorder is not fully understood yet by the professional world, and can thus be hard to define and treat effectively. Hopefully, that will change in time.

 

[xraydav]

Maybe I should add something of relevance here.

I was active participant in this “typist thread” that you created, and did have a lot to say about you. However, it’s in the past, and I was also in my early 20s at this time. So maybe we have more alike than we are different, and maybe those others who you criticised have more alike with you than different.

Adding to that, for someone who has prior experience in psychological counselling and also as a psych undergrad, I also have to tell you that I disagree that you have bipolar or any other severe mental disorders others are telling you.

Judging from the themes of paranoia and attack when values are threatened, I believe it’s merely just your personality structure alongside, (Fi?) .. but also.. traumatic experiences from relationships in the past, maybe even family relationships, which are manifesting as anger and paranoia today.

Do you think this this could be the case? What was your family like? What stands out about your own history? Did any of your past relationships, end with bouts of anger and paranoia?

My parents are unpredictable. Sometimes they’re reasonable and supportive.

I know this may sound a bit harsh, but do you think maybe that has shaped your behaviours today? Whether it’s the unpredictability of the parents’ behaviour, or the gas lighting of your older brother?

Can we really expect others to be better people? Without focusing on improving ourselves? Maybe it’s best to improve others and ourselves, but to what end would this be? What would happen if we did?



If this is relevant, it’s best to speak with a professional counsellor, and this helps to re-learn old maladaptive patterns.

To help with your decision,(about moving, etc), it can help to be completely aware of your own values in your relationships, what type of a friend do you want to be? Answer me this.

@RedPanda @Laeona Can you guys go easy on the expert psychiatric diagnosis? From someone who has actual BPDs in my family, I have to say that he doesn’t have this at all.

 

[Zeus]

Borderline end up stalking you then eventually destroying your life somehow. They are literally cryptonite to Superman. Jody arias was one and we all know how that ended.

 

[Red Panda]

Can you guys go easy on the expert psychiatric diagnosis? From someone who has actual BPDs in my family, I have to say that he doesn’t have this at all.

How was I not easy on it?

 

[Zeus]

Guys, irregardless of sensitivity please refrain from contacting or comunicating with the borderline. I once knew a guy who dated one, she broke into his house and tore off all of his wall paper causing thousands of dollars in damage. Refer her to the closest psychiatric facility.

 

[xraydav]

How was I not easy on it?

From my understanding, only psychiatrists or clinical psychologists, are qualified enough to give out a diagnosis for BPD. If you are either of the one, then it’s totally fine..

though if you’re not, go easy on it mate , you could be wrong and lead someone down a rabbit hole they can’t get out of.