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Hey everybody!

So I've noticed throughout the past years that the people that are surrounded by others are usually rude, crude, and dead on the inside, while the people who tend to be by themselves or only have a very few people in their lives are the nice, loving, and full of life. What is wrong with this picture? I've always been told that people enjoy being around good people, yet everywhere I go it seems the opposite (I don't know how many pure-hearted people I've met that it seems nobody but me wanted anything to do with). What do you guys think about this?

Thank you.
 

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It could be that all the jerks find the nice people to be painful reminders that they themselves are...well...jerks? Or maybe they just find the nice people too nice for their liking, and think they're just weird. But I'm sure there's other reasons I'm not thinking of.
 

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Funny you should post that. I was walking down the booze aisle at the grocery store tonight and was thinking that with many people there's a litmus test of acceptance. If you're spiteful, mean, and dead inside, you're in; if you have any kind of untamed spirit, don't build self-esteem by tearing down others, or don't use exclusivity to create an illusion of superiority, you're out. I'm especially angsty at the moment so that's been coloring my thoughts, but that's what I was thinking as I passed the biker who put the Jack Daniels back on the shelf, and before I drove home and got a written warning for speeding (while angsty).

(Just adding a bit of color; the biker had nothing to do with it. :)
 

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It depends on the crowd. I hang out with new-agey, communal, Burning Man, ecstatic dance crowd sometimes. They are very communal and surround themselves with like-minded people. They're also very self-aware, open and enlightened crowd.

Everyone is affected by Confirmation Bias. It's when you only notice the things that confirm your beliefs. Like when you buy a car and you notice all the other cars that's the same model as yours.

If you look for mean, rude people, you find mean rude people.
 

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Groups whether organized or random, have a way of sticking with and "protecting" its members. The strength in numbers I guess. Although, an individual is not so great example of a human kind, in a group, he/she is in-group member (it became a group member due to some interest or quality they all share especially if she/he is a sociaizing type. Only later, to be discovered that he/she is not good human being but bonds were already formed). Loyalty toward in-group members is a very powerful force. This is very hard for an INFP who would probably react in such situations when a jerk attacks an out-group member if an INFP's value is that treat other people with dignity (as they want to be treated). In one-to-one situations, members of a group could be in a conflict with each other; however, when they act as a group, it would go against to a group process and cause a cognitive dissonance to stick with a nice stranger than with a bad group member. It would question a particular group member's loyalty toward the group, and he/she would could ask oneself "What I am doing here?" which would cause a cognitive dissonance, anxiety, and consequently it is less likely to happen when they act as a group. It takes a personal maturity, strength, and bravery to react against a one's own group when they are wrong and protect a stranger's dignity. However, this does happen.
 

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Hey everybody!

So I've noticed throughout the past years that the people that are surrounded by others are usually rude, crude, and dead on the inside, while the people who tend to be by themselves or only have a very few people in their lives are the nice, loving, and full of life. What is wrong with this picture? I've always been told that people enjoy being around good people, yet everywhere I go it seems the opposite (I don't know how many pure-hearted people I've met that it seems nobody but me wanted anything to do with). What do you guys think about this?

Thank you.
I feel like this is extremely accurate. It seems like flocks of people tend to be drawn more towards people who are obnoxious, rude, immature, empty, shallow, etc. But then it seems like all of those people tend to take on the same character after a while. It just seems like after time more and more people fall into being that way so then they put no real time into self-exploration because they're always just following what their friends do. It's sad, really.
 

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I don't enjoy people being rude or dead inside, but what bothers me most is how similar people are. Even those who think of themselves as individuals are often just wearing a custom made persona. Really, with all the supposed ways of expressing your individuality these days it seems like people are more and more the same.
 

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I do not believe it is accurate to say that people who are rude and crude are dead on the inside. They may be very much alive but acting inappropriately for reasons that are unknowable to anyone looking at them from the outside. While they may be aware of their own pain or whatever it is that is driving their behavior, they may at the same time be unaware of how their behavior is being perceived by others. Human ecology is not so neat and people are not so simple, it seems to me. I don't think anybody is really completely dead on the inside. If that is how they appear to us, I would suspect it is because there is a core of their humanity in there that they are trying desperately to protect for reasons unknown to us.

These are the things I try to remind myself about when I see somebody being rude or insensitive. It's not a natural way to behave, so in the infinite realm of human experiences, something or some things must have happened to shape their inner world in ways that are expressed inappropriately on the outside. I can not fix them. But I can forgive them.
 

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I think if you are part of such group and aware that another person is behaving badly toward others from whatever reason (insecurity, being hurt and unloved themselves, trust issues, bad childhood, aggression), it is still going to affect your personal growth as a person when you are not saying anything to such person and complying to such behavior, or perhaps for your own sake being quiet about it. It is not only sad, but also growth impeding for both of you. It is most surprising when people behave like OP mentioned and most of them are in their 30 or 40's. I would ask what they were doing their whole lives? I actually have such experiences when they comply with a bad member and act as a mob against an outgroup member. It is really hard to understand when they are "older" people. I mean, it is very easy to be protected by one's group, but how cowardly that is?

In that sense, I still have to find a way to forgive such people (I could also find an excuse to behave badly - I was also growing up in a bad family atmosphere, was bullied, witnessed aggression, had to swallow many tears, was ostracized on a nationality basis etc.). It is different when a person reacts in anger and says things that they do not mean, but eventually they should be aware of their effect on others when they follow a pattern of bad behavior. Why somebody else’s hurt is not equal to your own hurt? How come you are "better" so you deserve to behave badly and others have to comply and not to hurt you back? - That is a mind set I do not get. I am not saying that one should hurt another back - far from it (one would be on the same level), but some people play on that card when protected by their group. I agree that this is a very complex issue to be applied on just one situation like I just described. There is much more to it.
 
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i think it's mostly that roles in life things...like giver finds a taker, masochist finds sadist, victim finds murderer...
i personally think that jerks find nice people cuz they can be jerks with them and get away with it.

 

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I think it's because the people who like being alone are more intuned with there inner self and are thus happier, but on the flip side this also leads to some people being depressed or feeling alienated for only looking inward. The one's who are in the groups feel accepted and part of a larger group, but are preocuppied with the feelings of others and live in a very superficial world. Both sides have good and bads lets not forget were still all people no one can truelly be "dead" inside, it's just we all have very different and varying viewpoints.
 

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@Hycocritical truth teller

Is it just me or other INFPs feel the same? My INFP councelor told me that I wear vulnerability on my sleeve, and others notice it. I was very bullied at work (due to a crazy foreigner bias that was instrumentally used - I am not saying it will always be like that but once it happens on such scale, it leaves a great hole). It seems that where ever you are or live, it still happens? I know during highschool, I did not have it this bad. Probably, things changed since last time I was in my native country (with the change of economic/political systems and ethical/moral systems).
 
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@Hycocritical truth teller

Is it just me or other INFPs feel the same? My INFP councelor told me that I wear vulnerability on my sleeve, and others notice it. I was very bullied at work (due to a crazy foreigner bias that was instrumentally used - I am not saying it will always be like that but once it happens on such scale, it leaves a great hole). It seems that where ever you are or live, it still happens? I know during highschool, I did not have it this bad. Probably, things changed since last time I was in my native country (with the change of economic/political systems and ethical/moral systems).
i know my mother once told me that people can sense that on you - that you are easily hurt and that things can shake you up, wind you up...and she is right - people can sense that on me and that's why ive been taken for granted or mocked or taken advantage of or not been taken seriously...
i personally think people are bastards to take advantage of that - but i always stayed on good terms with people who didn't take that part of me as smth they can use for their own "entertainment"
i do think people really sense that on us :/
 

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Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm not sure why that is, but it might have something to do with a lot of people finding rude comments funny. Kindness is just that; kindness. A lot of people want to have fun around their friends and to them, someone that makes them laugh is much better than someone who's all nice and sweet. They don't care much if the person's obnoxious and shallow so long as they can have fun around that person.
Also, people like to have their judgments on others confirmed. If they don't like someone, they want their friends not to like that person either. Someone rude won't have problems saying mean comments about the enemy of their friend, even if they have no personal grudge against that person. Someone kind and loving may refuse to dislike a person just because their friend dislikes that person, therefore making their friend unhappy.
Last of all, it might be because loving, happy, full of life people want friends that are also loving, happy and full of life. People want friends that reflect their own personalities. I suppose nice people having less friends maybe indicates that nice people are harder to find than jerks? Which isn't that surprising, when you think about it.
 
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