What's your view on Friendship?

FaintStar said:

Hello,

I would like to know how do you treat your friends?
I have seen differences in how friends are treated by people of different cultures.
Example-
-- People from Asia and Middle East treat friends like extended family. They get invited to family events. Friends are made with the intention of being a friend for life. Spouses are also supposed to give them an important place in the family as they are considered part of family". Friends are sometimes the sounding board when one cannot discuss something with the SO or family. So there is a lot so trust, and closeness in these friendships. Friends are so visible in your life that a lot of people get to know who your close friends are after a while. Not to mention, the friendship comes with commitments too, such as sincerity, loyalty and helping out when all the chips are down...even if it might affect your own life.
These friendships transcend socio-economics barriers and they are not gender-related (i.e. Girls make more such friends than boys, etc.)
In a nutshell, friends become family and so you do not treat friendship lightly. ('I am talking about majority of friendships, not just anecdotal ones)

-- Friendship in the US doesn't seem to be like that, maybe unless these are your friends from kindergarten?? I don't know. I have seen very few such friendships in the US where the friend is like family. Usually, the GF/BF/SO, etc. become important and the friends are supposed to recede...I think most people know this, so they accept friendships based on this understanding.

I, myself, prefer the former type of friendships and so take a lot of time finding a good friend because people here are not so much into the 1st kind.

So what's your idea on friendship? Which kind do you prefer (Please elaborate if there are more kinds) and why?

Please understand that I am not referring to exceptions

Click to expand...

Here in Denmark, I think it is kind of a mix... my general impression is also that it is a mix in my neighbouring countries and such.

That friends do get invited to big events, weddings, deaths.. maybe an occational birthday.. however, no, they don't normally come to family gatherings, that is almost a "no-no", I remember once when someone whom even was somewhat family uninvited and unexpectedly joined a family get-together, and we didn't like much, his personality however maybe also had something to do with it, and he ate a lot of our food without bringing anything.

A friend can often come along to whatever, but it is not the norm, no.
The smaller the group in a way, the more unlikely a friend will be a long.. if i had a girlfriend and we went on a trip, then we wouldn't have a 3rd wheel friend, because it's like private and special to us. Maybe if we were to just give a ride half-way and dump him or her before our destination, sure.

When we go on ski-trip with lots of family it's more normal that someone bring along a friend. That is also more about some activity.

Naturally when younger, then friends come along a lot.. and maybe when older it is not so much a problem, tho not the norm.

....

How I treat my friends?, I hope good.
They are also my source for support when things get rough in family.


Actually, i thought that in middle east, and areas around, that since it is more tight, that things are also more private, that you do not involve anyone from outside. That it stays in family and or select friends. Which also makes sense enough at times, and good.. but not always, for example when taking law into own hands.


But it is also commonly know that Europeans can be somewhat closed off.. if someone rides a bike, or walks thru europe, he wont experience much that people invite him or her into the house for a meal or bed.
Op's but that didn't have so much to do with friends.

@Mirkwood

Yes, I have noticed that in England.

In the ME, and Asia, as I mentioned - Friends become family...so yes things stay in the "family". However, the concept of family is not restricted to just blood relations (exceptions exist..but I am including Asia as well).

Sorry, I probably didn't clarify well-
NOT ALL FRIENDS become family...I meant close friends...however, in the end, friendships are made with the intention of one day becoming close.
However, since the communities (as well as families) like to know who the individual hangs out with out of curiosity and keeping an eye out - they usually welcome all kinds of friends. It is left to the individual to decide who he/she wants to call. However, all festivals/occasions, friends are welcome. I cannot think of any where friends are forbidden (a family might have individual restrictions but usually most families don't forbid friends).
An example- Weddings in SouthEast Asia, have almost 1000 guests! (Only a couple of events are reserved for small number of guests and then it is usually very close friends that are invited, but they are invited. )These are not family only...a lot of them are friends...of the people getting married and the in-laws as well...but this is not an example of friendship..just an example of how "loose" the concept of family usually is..even good neighbors become family.
Again, in those cultures, food is always shared regardless of how little or how much one has.
And in those places, you can be travelling through and get invited for a meal

But then I digress....nothing to do with friendship although it speaks of a certain attitude to outsiders.

FaintStar said:

@Mirkwood

Yes, I have noticed that in England.

In the ME, and Asia, as I mentioned - Friends become family...so yes things stay in the "family". However, the concept of family is not restricted to just blood relations (exceptions exist..but I am including Asia as well).

Sorry, I probably didn't clarify well-
NOT ALL FRIENDS become family...I meant close friends...however, in the end, friendships are made with the intention of one day becoming close.
However, since the communities (as well as families) like to know who the individual hangs out with out of curiosity and keeping an eye out - they usually welcome all kinds of friends. It is left to the individual to decide who he/she wants to call. However, all festivals/occasions, friends are welcome. I cannot think of any where friends are forbidden (a family might have individual restrictions but usually most families don't forbid friends).
An example- Weddings in SouthEast Asia, have almost 1000 guests! (Only a couple of events are reserved for small number of guests and then it is usually very close friends that are invited, but they are invited. )These are not family only...a lot of them are friends...of the people getting married and the in-laws as well...but this is not an example of friendship..just an example of how "loose" the concept of family usually is..even good neighbors become family.
Again, in those cultures, food is always shared regardless of how little or how much one has.
And in those places, you can be travelling through and get invited for a meal

But then I digress....nothing to do with friendship although it speaks of a certain attitude to outsiders.

Click to expand...

To have the intention of being close as friend is also an good idea.

When I grew up I didn't think a whole lot about how it is to be friends, and what a friend is. We just hung out together or played.
Rarely have I used the words "Would you like to be my friend", or just using the word friend to the people whom I do consider friends.

When being a kid, parents often setup play-dates and such, I think it is good enough idea, but also somewhat bad at times, since it may be someone your parents just think you do good with(and you may genuinely) or they had be-friended the other parents. But you may not entirely like playing with that kid, maybe you would rather had been friends with someone else. Then ofcourse one could speak up, or the parents be observant to that, but that may not happen, since just a kid.

I think a good ability would be to sort of know your in charge who you are friends with, and that it is okay with some expectations about what a good friend is and such.
So not ending up with people whom maybe treat you kind of crappy or other, also to better be able to be stand by some people instead of being half-hearted.


I think how open people are can vary widely!. some have an very open door policy.. others inspect a lot.. and some are just closed off.


Back to what a friend is .
I have come to think that a good friend is someone who knows you very well. How much we know a person after all seperates them from strangers.
Just like a girlfriend or wife, you would know their likes and dislikes, and up to date with what is happening in a persons life.
If you normally visit eachother you will know this almost automatically.
Worthy of honor and respect.
You treat good... there is some level of influence maybe. Maybe not scared of loosing friendship by saying a few things you oppose of, or just want to give view on.

I think it is somewhat like this list.. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

The last one... shared meaning.. it could be that i share some things with my friends.. with guys that is usually some activity.

Marv said:

I've always found it exhausting to try to bridge my mind with more than one other mind at a time. When you add even just a third mind, there's simply too much interference for it to be worth the trouble for me. Most of the time.

I literally only hang out with one person at a time, whether they're family, friend or an acquaintance.

Click to expand...

Me too. I cannot manage 2 people at the same time...but that is probably because I don't make "similar" friends so that they can genuinely connect and take the pressure off of me. First of all, I don't have a huge circle of friends..usually I max out at 2. Anything more than 2 friends (in my life..not hanging out together, which I usually won't allow) isn't possible in my world. I don't like sharing that much of my emotions or secrets. During college, sometimes more than 2 people wanted to be my friend but I chose only 2 and that automatically made many others think that I am a snob..but they didn't know that I really cannot handle that many friends.
I give a lot to my friends- mentally, and emotionally. I treat them as an extension of myself. Once I trust them and consider them really close, they feel like a part of me. It's exhausting to do this with lots of friends. However, I am a very cautious and private person. I don't believe in sharing my secrets and flaws with so many people on earth. Hence, I have acquaintances that don't know me at all although they THINK they do. However, friends...x varies from 0-2.

@Mirkwood,
'Maybe not scared of loosing friendship by saying a few things you oppose of, or just want to give view on."

This statement is "True" only initially as I am figuring out the strength of the relationship. However, I cannot be friends for long with a person who cannot tell me things, however painful it may be, and hear things in return. The intention is never to hurt but to understand and change if necessary.
@master of time and space -
'I don't feel that I have the skills to develop friendships'
Neither do I. Usually the friends I have had were the ones who initiated and chased me. I don't know how to initiate. As I have grown older, I have found it harder to find good friends....I probably have too much in my heart and mind to risk now.

Friendship- it isn't about only liking your friend. It's also about being yourself in front of him/her without the fear of loss. It's not about hurting the other. It is a safe haven. It's a person who brings out your best and helps with your weaknesses... There isn't a place for fear. The world judges you enough..including family. Let there be some respite in the company of a close friend.

Putting some levity in this thread...

I would say I treat my friends, family equal.

That does not say entirely too much. I make room and pull them in where they are welcome. I embrace some of when they reach out.

But I really would say outside my daughters I am not devoted to anyone. Now that is not to say I would betray or spit on family or a friend. Just I do not prioritize my main life above or before them. I am pretty territorial and get bitchy if a friend cramps my space too much. Some of it is just that I find being too close for comfort can be counter productive. (Outside immediate home). Also I think I just really have a lot of energy and focus and just am careful about how I distribute it. My home is a friends home in need or celebration. But they need to get the fuck out of my territory and go back to their own home at certain points.

I will say one exception is my INFJ sis we connect on a fundamental deeper level so even if I would wanna trip her if she was getting preachy (in thought) it would pass and we would work out our shit. She is one of the only truly authentic people I know where she does not operate on passive aggressive bullshit.

Seriously this may sound like an asshole move but I am not even lining up to take care of my mom in old age. She is the most demanding finicky cruel passive aggressive person. So yeah I will come by and visit her and walk her. But considering I have worked in various roles in nursing home I have like no doubt she will be an extremely high maintenance never satisfied bitchy resident. I will be kosher and provide the civil minimum just like she has done for me. She wanted a superficial relationship with her family well then that is what ya get. Me passing by on bingo day and going my separate ways.

So considering how I feel about my own mother And even not allowing her too close to taint my well water I would say I worked hard to dig my own well I am damn careful about not keeping people around based on association if they are liable to piss in their own well water or mine. But sure I will offer a cup of water even some beans and then send so and so on their very merry way.

I see a great deal of value in connection to the right people. I just see a great deal of value in boundaries too.