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i've been friends with this infp since i was a senior in hs and she was a Sophomore who was my best friend's girl friend. our friendship has gotten closer in the past 7 years even tho we've been thousands of miles apart now and again. i've now moved to texas and she had happened to be in the town im in to attend her grandparents anniversary. we hung out for 2 days after not seeing each other for a year eventho we talk every week and she brought up the idea of marriage after she finishes nursing school next year and she wanted to settle down with me..but the thing is.. i've always cared about her..flaws and all.. i love her and tell her that but shes never said it back eventho i know she..enjoys it and cares, she gives great hugs.. anyway..
shes been going thru some stuff lately health wise, relationship wise..( shes single, but people are spreading rumors about her) i guess average stress of someone in their mid 20's. we had a conversation.. i tried to help, she snapped at me and told me i didnt understand and to just leave her alone for today but said she loves me.. that's the first time i've ever heard her say that to me... i know she cares but when i try to tell her that she, her life and well being are important to me... she "clams up"
how long does it take an infp to realize that or acknowledge it. does it come easy to you? what do tho's words mean to you? i know every human is different.. i guess im just trying to look at things from different perspectives.
 

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Love comes very quickly, intensely, and easy to me, unfortunately... but I'm usually hesitant to say so. I tend to know I care more than the other person, and I don't really want to jump in only to get hurt. I'll often "test" the other person a lot to make sure that they'll stay by me no matter what I do, but I'll still be kinda nervous... eventually, if I'm around the other person enough and I keep getting to know them, my love for them will grow too much for me to be able to fight any longer, and I'll blurt out the words.
 

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We're afraid to express affection. It's weird I know. I think we're worried the other person won't reciprocate, and/or we feel exposed and vulnerable.

I don't know about other people, but I wouldn't say something like "I love you" unless I expect the other person to say "I love you too!!" with a happy smile, and maybe followed by a hug. If that doesn't happen, then I'll sort of regret it. Not only that, but it'll mean I'm less likely to say it next time. It almost feels like a passive rejection. I would be extremely uncomfortable facing a girl and knowing that I harbor one-sided affection towards her and knowing that she can't reciprocate.

Though in the situation you're describing, that's a different kind of "I love you". That's more like "please don't think I hate you". You know, like a reassuring statement. As in "I like being around you but I need some time alone for now". Yes, she probably meant it, but she didn't say it to express her affection and so she probably wasn't expecting any particular reaction.

In other words, we won't express affection unless we're reasonably comfortable that the other person would make a corresponding expression of affection as a response.

EDIT:

of course I'm speaking from my own perspective, maybe this doesn't represent INFPs in general, who knows.
 

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I used to value the words immensely, and I still do in some respects. However, once you truly are in an incredibly strong relationship you'll realize that sometimes saying those words doesn't feel like enough.

True love to me is a connection of souls where words need not be spoken. It is some form transcendental entity that is beyond comprehension. It is -not- a phrase that will give you butterflies when it is said, it's a sensation that will -always- be there simply because of your disbelief that someone else so perfect for you even exists.

That's my definition at least. Long story short, I admit I say it too easily, but my logic is that when I'm interested in somebody, I'm going to ride it hard until we crash, or never end. I figure the sooner a relationship ends, the sooner I can go back to looking for my soulmate.

--- Note: I'm probably like the bottom 5% of INFPs that may view most of this that way so don't devalue "your" girls words ---
 

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I used to value the words immensely, and I still do in some respects. However, once you truly are in an incredibly strong relationship you'll realize that sometimes saying those words doesn't feel like enough.

True love to me is a connection of souls where words need not be spoken. It is some form transcendental entity that is beyond comprehension. It is -not- a phrase that will give you butterflies when it is said, it's a sensation that will -always- be there simply because of your disbelief that someone else so perfect for you even exists.

That's my definition at least. Long story short, I admit I say it too easily, but my logic is that when I'm interested in somebody, I'm going to ride it hard until we crash, or never end. I figure the sooner a relationship ends, the sooner I can go back to looking for my soulmate.

--- Note: I'm probably like the bottom 5% of INFPs that may view most of this that way so don't devalue "your" girls words ---
That is exactly the way I see it too. When I love, I love totally and completely, I feel it 100% and more. Half loving someone is not possible for me. And when this love begins there are no words ever invented that could be enough to express it.

But as for speaking those fated words for that scary first time. That wasn't me! It was my more extroverted gf who said the words for the first time when I was still trying to get around to it.

I was so scared that all those things that were obviously going on between us after all would turn out not to be really there.
My intuition and my feelings new full well what was going on but my head was only inventing reasons why it could not be so, or developing stillborn strategies to find out what she would say.
I could have gone on like that for ages, but thank God she broke the stalemate first and then the floodgates opened.
 

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I can't speak from too much personal experience, but I can say that I generally know how I feel about a person pretty quickly, and those feelings, whatever they are, are usually quite strong. However, as others have mentioned, I find it excruciatingly difficult to express my affection, even to people I genuinely do love.

As for her clamming up, well, I guess I can sort of understand that. I don't know how to explain it, and I don't get why I am this way at all, but it is sometimes uncomfortable for me to hear the way people feel about me. Especially if it's unexpected, I need to sort of process it and decide how I feel about that, how I want to react, and all of that.

I don't know. There could be a lot of different things going on here, actually, and I am wary of misleading you at all. Take everything I say with a grain of salt, for the record.

Oh, and the helping thing. I actually hate it when people try to solve my problems for me. If I'm venting, it's just to get the feelings out. It's frustrating when people automatically want to dismiss my feelings and push me to take action to "fix" it all. But that's just me.
 

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I tend to fall in love way too quickly (not sure by whose standards), but I also have difficulties saying it, at least the first time - it`s pretty much the opposite from then on, I tend to say it very often, too often perhaps.

Anyway, I noticed that writing my feelings down comes much easier, so in case you guys haven`t emailed each other yet--talking about heavy stuff like this--you might want to see if that could open her up a bit more and make her share her feelings in a more... unrestricted way.

Obviously, this is something that I noticed it`s working for me, no guarantees, of course. :unsure:
 

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Love doesn't come easily for me...at least the true kind of love .-. It took me ages to realize I even had a crush on someone q___q

Love to me makes you feel like you want to be with this person forever. Someone that admires the little things I do, someone that I can grow together with (even if we do clash at times) , and hopefully, someone that I can relate to.

kryten5786, I feel that for your situation in particular, although she said it, I don't think she meant it in a love love manner...it may have just been in a spur of a moment thing...to make you happy... although I wouldn't put it completely past me. If she wanted to ninja her feelings like that, she did a really good job .______.

I would take it with a grain of salt at the moment, right now she needs comfort and emotional support. I hope everything turns out well :)
 

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I think that INFPs say "I love you" when they truly mean it from their whole heart. Otherwise it will sound too hollow and fake to us to say those words aloud.

How easy those words come up depends of the INFP. I'm rather easy about telling people I love them but I know there have been phases in my life when I've been unable to say those words to anyone.

I also sort of clam up when someone's saying particularly nice things about me because it's always at some level hard to understand why anyone really could like me and I feel like I don't deserve those compliments. She may also be reluctant to say "I love you" after you have claimed your love to her because she doesn't want it to give an impression that she's saying it only because you did.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
kryten5786, I feel that for your situation in particular, although she said it, I don't think she meant it in a love love manner...it may have just been in a spur of a moment thing...to make you happy... although I wouldn't put it completely past me. If she wanted to ninja her feelings like that, she did a really good job .______.

I would take it with a grain of salt at the moment, right now she needs comfort and emotional support. I hope everything turns out well :)
this was my initial feeling... i know she cares by the way she touches me, kisses me... holds me.. plays with me but i want to tell her that her time is running out with me as far as going any farther with it because there are other women in my life, yet... shes the only one i have this strange bond with since the moment we first met.
i've planned a trip to san fransisco (we're both from the bay area) during christmas, just us for 4 days roaming around the city, visiting museums.. a romantic dinner or 2, just tripping out together... no real plans (kinda hard for me but im trying to get better at that lol)
when i asked her if there was any place she would like to visit she says not really she just wants me :blushed: and thats where i get kinda confused..:unsure:
maybe just my infj over thinking lol. i'll know where i go from here after this trip.
thank you all so much for your insight!!! infp's are awesome... like me yet different enough to really hold my attention.
 

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If she's holding you, kissing you - if she's willing to spend FOUR WHOLE DAYS with you - I think she probably means she loves you. If she's like me, that means she feels comfortable around you. "I love you" is not an easy thing for me to say. It does slip out from time to time, when I feel it so strongly I can't keep the words in. Most of the time, I fight it, though, because the intensity of my love/emotions tends to make others uncomfortable.
 

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Look at my signature and you'll understand how I feel about love. There are so many different ways we love other people and ourselves, each one having its own power over our hearts. As a matter of fact, I believe Latin had several different words for love beyond romantic love. I'll have to look that up again, but I'm pretty sure it was something like eight different words.

I tell my friends all the time that I love them. It's not in a romantic sort of way at all, but it's meant just as much. I care for them, I want them to be happy, and I will be there for them whenever they need or want anything that I can give. I love my parents and my brother just as unconditionally, but again, it's a different kind of love from just about everyone first imagines when they hear the word love. I care deeply for each of my patients, and yes, I love them, too, but again, in a very different way from my family or friends. Nor can I say it, sadly, but I hope I am able to convey daily just how much I care for them and truly want to help them in every way I can. Sometimes it's hard to not be able to express that love because of keeping professional boundaries and what not, but I think some of them get it. At least they trust me more than many of the other people they have worked with.

The one area in my life that I have trouble saying "I love you" is if I know the other party is uncomfortable with that or their intentions are for it to not stop at friendship or whatnot, or if I feel that there is something more to our relationship than being friends/family. I want to say the words, but I don't want them to be misinterpreted. Or perhaps I do mean them in that, "I can't really imagine life without you always by my side," sort of way, in which case it will take me forever to say them. It almost always has to be something where I have said it so many times in my head that my brain will connect with my mouth and I'll just say them. It's scary, intense, and I have felt like I was standing on a precipice waiting to fall and that lasted forever until I heard *something* from the other person. When I did, I'm not sure that I still didn't fall, it was just in a very different way.

After getting over the initial giddy rush of saying those words though, I want to find something else, something more to convey what it is that I am feeling. Three mere words are unable to express what is in my heart, my head, my soul. I'm still searching for what I could possibly ever gift to the person who is my heart that would let them know what they mean to me. I hope to one day have the opportunity to do so, whatever it will be.

Um, yeah, I'll shut it now.
 

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I also fall in love easily, but saying that little four-letter word for the first time...that's tough, because it feels like a risk. On the other hand, I don't say I love someone unless I really mean it. Sad to say, I've been married a long time and am estranged from my husband, though we are living under the same roof. Back in June, after a very unsatisfactory discussion, I decided that I would stop saying those words. It was difficult at first, but I cannot abide saying something that now has become hollow.

I suspect that your girl had an internal battle before she decided to reciprocate. If I were you, I'd feel honored.

As for asking to be left alone for a time...that's something all introverts need from time to time. Don't take it personally. I know I become much more civilized if I take time to be alone when I feel I am burning out :)
 

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It is really hard for us to open up fully. For me I'm afraid the person whom I'm talking to would judge me. And I can't trust that people truly love me for who I am.I guess I know it in my mind but I juat can't be convinced. I 'm always scred and worried that this person would leave my side someday. The only ones I truly trust are God/Jesus and my family. And well I tried opening up fully but it made me feel really bad. It got me anxious and worried. And I felt naked. And I told myself I am never openeing up to anybody exept to my familand God/Jesus.
 

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But she definately means it when she said that she loves you . Just don't try to get her to tell you everything about her. And don't try to get to know so much about her. Just accept her for who she is and just accept the many sides she shows you naturally. She probably has alot of different sides of her too. So just don't EVER judge her by just seeing one side of her. Don't try to define who she is in your head. She might or she might tell you everything. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. It just feels more secure keeping all the deep emotions hidden for us. If you can feel that she really loves you then I'm sure she does.
 
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