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First of all, HI! I'm new :)

I've actually been creeping around on PerC for a couple weeks and finally decided to register :proud:

It's been really awesome to find out about MBTI and find a new appreciation and understanding for the people around me who think differently than I do. I confess I was very stereotypically judgmental of people who didn't see things my way. So Myers-Briggs has helped open my mind a lot! It's also cool to find so many people to relate to here on PerC :happy: But I digress...

OT: I am the oldest of two working parents and have always felt an immense responsibility to help shoulder their burdens, even though they've never asked me to. Currently I am not going to school although I do have an associates degree in Mathematics. This is OK by me though, since I have decided my real passion is organizing anyway! I'm (slowly) working towards starting my own business in home organizing. Although I am a super-nerd and I love learning and going to school, the part of me that hates owing money sees no reason to continue racking up tons of debt when I could be paid for something I'm passionate about instead. (Especially considering massive debt is one of the things my parents struggle with! Do NOT want to start my life this way!)

Where I am struggling is trying to find a balance between being a dependable member of my family and finding time to actually do the things I love without feeling tied down to them. What I mean is that most of my short-term goals are tied to helping my family and I find that my personal goals tend to get pushed farther and farther back. I don't begrudge this necessarily since I really WANT to help my family. And it would be unfair to say that they are holding me back, because I think the issue is really MINE insofar as I do not feel like I can leave them hanging, so to speak; no one is forcing me. However where most of the people I've gone to school with seem to be actually moving on with their lives, I feel like I am stuck where I have always been, just now I have more adult responsibilities and limitations. :crying: I also feel like I am (and have been) a "mom" for the past 2 or 3 years and I've never even had a boyfriend!!! :confused: I literally chauffeur siblings, cook, grocery shop, and take people to doctor's appointments! Did I mention my current job is also baby-sitting and when I'm done I come home to take care of a 3yr-old?

I suppose my question for you guys is whether you have found yourselves stuck like this, where what you would really like to be doing conflicts strongly with what you feel you should do (i.e. your "duty"). What do you do to keep from losing hope and staying motivated in achieving your goals? How do you keep yourself from allowing present responsibilities from becoming an "excuse" to avoid achieving your dreams? I feel like there is so much more I could say about this issue so I apologize if I have been vague. I am more than happy to answer any specific questions. I just didn't want my first post to be a massive wall of text (although invariably that is what it's turned into! :laughing:)

I appreciate any input/ideas. I know you guys are a helpful and friendly bunch so I am expecting lots of good advice :wink: No pressure or anything.. :crazy:
 

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Welcome, new fellow-ISTJ! :D Now that we've lured you into our spiderweb... ;-)

It is quite a wall of text, though def not as bad as some we've seen. I'm curious as to how old you are, it would seem early twenties? That might help some of us to relate.

Not sure if I can help any myself, have not been in this kind of situation. Other than my current one of trying to help keep my brother on an even keel after his divorce, and my personal work-nuttiness. <_< I could say (from my 45 years perspective) that things will work out somehow, however that's definitely less-than-helpful for you...I think that @niss might have some really good perspectives though, he's been through a lotlotlot.

 

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Yes, I'm 21, you were correct in your estimate :) I am not super worried that things will work out eventually. Despite my realism, I tend to be optimistic :D Guess I just wanted some tips on how to wade through this season of life :p

EDIT: That's a really cool song/video! I like it! Gets me pumped... I should add it to my iPod for some life-soundtrack music.
 

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Yes, I'm 21, you were correct in your estimate :) I am not super worried that things will work out. Despite my realism, I tend to be optimistic :D Guess just wanted some tips on how to wade through this season of life :p
Sent you a PM. :happy:
 

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Yes, I'm 21, you were correct in your estimate :) I am not super worried that things will work out eventually. Despite my realism, I tend to be optimistic :D Guess I just wanted some tips on how to wade through this season of life :p

EDIT: That's a really cool song/video! I like it! Gets me pumped... I should add it to my iPod for some life-soundtrack music.
Thought so. :) Much of an optimist myself, so can relate!

My perspectives are going to be a bit weird - I was born and grew up in small-town/rural New Zealand and literally didn't own a car until 30. Really only lived hand-to-mouth until getting into computers for a career, marriage, house, divorce, etc. University and all? Didn't happen for this boy.

This is why I said that from my perspective, things do work out somehow. Weirdest ways possible it seems. I guess in the end it just comes down to plugging away at the day-to-day, without losing sight of the long-term goal. Admittedly I didn't actually form a long-term goal until 27...

Glad you like the song. Titanium rocks! :D:D:D

Edit: You have so much potential at your starting-point! Its good to see you are aware of it, unlike a lot of people who just piss it away. :/
 

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Thought so. :) Much of an optimist myself, so can relate!

My perspectives are going to be a bit weird - I was born and grew up in small-town/rural New Zealand and literally didn't own a car until 30. Really only lived hand-to-mouth until getting into computers for a career, marriage, house, divorce, etc. University and all? Didn't happen for this boy.

This is why I said that from my perspective, things do work out somehow. Weirdest ways possible it seems. I guess in the end it just comes down to plugging away at the day-to-day, without losing sight of the long-term goal. Admittedly I didn't actually form a long-term goal until 27...

Glad you like the song. Titanium rocks! :D:D:D

Edit: You have so much potential at your starting-point! Its good to see you are aware of it, unlike a lot of people who just piss it away. :/
I love stories of unconventional routes to success :) I get sick of people trying to shove the college-is-the-only-way-to-succeed doctrine down my throat. I understand the value of higher education and I'm not opposed to it. But I'm not so narrow-minded to think it's the ONLY way to go. Granted I never thought I'd be such a "rebel" :p Thanks for your encouragement Yardiff :D That's the goal... not to piss my life away! :laughing:
 

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I just spent like 10 minutes responding to it and then got the unhappy news that I have to have 15 post to PM @[email protected] I guess I'll hold onto the response and send it to you when I can!
Get your post count up by posting in the "Random" folder. :wink:
 

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I get sick of people trying to shove the college-is-the-only-way-to-succeed doctrine down my throat. I understand the value of higher education and I'm not opposed to it. That's the goal... not to piss my life away! :laughing:
I don't think anyone so much as shoved the doctrine down my throat as I willingly swallowed it (I guess I wanted to believe that college = path to all things good. It was kind of understood in our family that we'd just go to college too.). Don't get my wrong, I enjoyed my time there, and I'm actually doing work that's related to what I studied, but if I could change things now, I probably would have rather just gone to technical school. My graduate advisor actually told me I was "wasting my life" when I decided not to get a PhD. It hurt because I respected his opinions. I'm really glad I didn't go though. Who wants to write grants the rest of their life?

As for your dreams/duty conundrum: you're only alive once in the world, so you may as well seize the opportunities while you have the energy. Maybe I've been living with an ENFP too much. Our balance is that he dreams and I do the duties. :/ Yes, things have a way of working themselves out in the end (and in the long run, we're all dead).
 

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I don't think anyone so much as shoved the doctrine down my throat as I willingly swallowed it (I guess I wanted to believe that college = path to all things good. It was kind of understood in our family that we'd just go to college too.). Don't get my wrong, I enjoyed my time there, and I'm actually doing work that's related to what I studied, but if I could change things now, I probably would have rather just gone to technical school. My graduate advisor actually told me I was "wasting my life" when I decided not to get a PhD. It hurt because I respected his opinions. I'm really glad I didn't go though. Who wants to write grants the rest of their life?
I know, college always seemed like the "right" thing to do. And then I got there and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be :p I enjoyed the experience but it wasn't the fulfilling thing it was supposed to be. None of the "career options" presented to me took any less than 5 years or 30k in debt :/ I was like... NO THANKS. I feel pretty lucky to have found something that I am truly passionate and sure about at such a young age. Some people don't realize it until they're in their mid-life crisis.

As for your dreams/duty conundrum: you're only alive once in the world, so you may as well seize the opportunities while you have the energy. Maybe I've been living with an ENFP too much. Our balance is that he dreams and I do the duties. :/ Yes, things have a way of working themselves out in the end (and in the long run, we're all dead).
Haha, yes we all need a dreamer in our lives :tongue: I am definitely trying to work on this. I don't want to wake up at 65 and realize I never really lived. I think that's a danger of being too task-oriented and not stopping to "smell the roses" or develop meaningful interpersonal relationships.
 

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Welcome to the forums! :happy:

I am also an oldest child of two working parents and completely understand where you're coming from. Having been through the "Do what I want vs. what my duty is" it was something I struggled with consistently. One thing that helped was to block out time each day to work towards a long term goal and cross off one baby-step towards the longer range goal. Part of that was asking that I not be disturbed for about 30-60 minutes while I accomplished this task. From what you posted, you've got a good head on your shoulders. At 21 I very much remember feeling like I was being pulled a million different ways. A lot of that came down to trying to organize what I wanted and make it fit what else was going on. It can be a hard thing to do at times, but hang in there, you'll find your groove. Also, don't forget to laugh, that's something I wish I had done more of when I was 21. Not sure if this helps. :unsure:
 

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Thanks @PinkHippo :) It does help. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels/has felt like this. I often feel envious of all my friends who only have to worry about themselves and their goals when I feel like I can't abandon my family :frustrating:

But I am definitely trying to make a point this summer to go on some camping/road trips with a friend and just get away and have a good time. I definitely think I need to laugh more and enjoy living more than I do. I'm not depressed or anything, just kinda bored. And that's saying something!

I also really need to sit down and talk to my parents. I still depend on their income, though I have a part time job, and I willingly contribute to the household (I'm not a moocher) but I also think I need to set some boundaries. You know how it is - the dependable ones always carry a heavy load; we tend to get a little taken advantage of! :sad:
 

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hey @sBel90, welcome to the forums!
Here's my advice. I know some of you may disagree with me but it's what I strongly believe.

I know ISTJs tend to take on extra responsibility and that burdens us. You are striving to become a dependent member of your family, but can your parents go without you? Hey, we only live life once. I'm assuming that you go to a local college. You got your AA and you seem to be a very independent and responsible person. It seems to me that you're at that point in your life where you yearn for growth, meaning, perspective and moving forward. This is just my opinion, you've done all you can, it's time to move on. You're not going to grow if you keep doing what you're doing now. Have you considered going to a college out of town? Yeah, you can talk about all of the cons such as money, being away from family, getting the same degree at home, etc.. But the college life will open up new doors for you. You will learn a lot about yourself, and the things that happen there only happen there. You won't be able to experience those wonderful times at home. The college life is only once in a lifetime. You can go when you're older but that's a different story. Let go of the burdens you put on yourself. When you leave, your parents will find a way to make ends meet. So don't worry about them. How is your relationship with your parents? Are they supportive of your decisions? Do they challenge and encourage you to broaden your horizons?


Really, the main thing is that you need to get away from home. The reason why? You won't have to worry about responsibilities, friends, family, etc.. It's time for you to think about yourself, and make decisions for yourself instead of what your family circumstances are. And if you don't have this ME time, I think you're going to end up contemplating about your purpose and what you actually want to do with your life (even after you get your BA). You're going to be looking at others and wishing you did this instead of that. I'm not saying that those who stay in their home towns do not succeed. But from my own experience, the pros overwhelmingly outnumber the cons of getting away from home. Don't let anything block your path of getting to where you want to go. If you never try, you'll never know.
 

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It seems to me that you're at that point in your life where you yearn for growth, meaning, perspective and moving forward.
Yup, spot on!

This is just my opinion, you've done all you can, it's time to move on. You're not going to grow if you keep doing what you're doing now. Have you considered going to a college out of town? Yeah, you can talk about all of the cons such as money, being away from family, getting the same degree at home, etc.. But the college life will open up new doors for you. You will learn a lot about yourself, and the things that happen there only happen there. You won't be able to experience those wonderful times at home. The college life is only once in a lifetime. You can go when you're older but that's a different story.
I understand the point you are making here, and I appreciate it. If money were the *only* issue, I would find a way to get around it. But I personally don't really WANT to go away to college, much less out of state :/ If college itself were one of my goals, I probably would agree with this. I'm not sure what you meant by experiences you only have at college, but if you mean wild parties and lots of interpersonal drama, I can do without it :/ As far as stimulating intellectual environment, I got that at county school. And if I were to leave home to simply have new experiences, I'd rather it be for an exciting job or to visit another country/humanitarian work, something along those lines. Perhaps the only thing that I personally would find attractive is the opportunity to make close friendships with roommates, etc. But even then you will always hear horror stories about "my roommate in college" :p

Let go of the burdens you put on yourself. When you leave, your parents will find a way to make ends meet. So don't worry about them.
This is precisely what I am going to work on :)

How is your relationship with your parents? Are they supportive of your decisions? Do they challenge and encourage you to broaden your horizons?
I actually have a great relationship with my parents and they have never tried to stop me from doing anything, unless they thought it would be harmful for me. And even then it's my decision, they'll just tell me why they don't agree. For the most part I just tell them what I've decided, they don't try to control me in any way. Like I said, it's mostly a personal thing that I have to stop trying to take one the whole world and realize THEY are the parents, not me.

Really, the main thing is that you need to get away from home. The reason why? You won't have to worry about responsibilities, friends, family, etc.. It's time for you to think about yourself, and make decisions for yourself instead of what your family circumstances are. And if you don't have this ME time... You're going to be looking at others and wishing you did this instead of that. I'm not saying that those who stay in their home towns do not succeed. But from my own experience, the pros overwhelmingly outnumber the cons of getting away from home. Don't let anything block your path of getting to where you want to go. If you never try, you'll never know.
While I don't think going away to college is necessarily THE answer, and I don't think you necessarily HAVE to go far away to broaden your horizons, I would agree you're more likely to if you did cut those ties. There are plenty of opportunities that are closer to home that you can take advantage of. (Volunteering for the homeless, getting involved in the community, etc. are examples of experiences that DEFINITELY help shape you as an individual but don't require you to move out of state.)

I also DO agree that I think it's important for me to get away for a while and not worry about the rest of the family. I think we should all experience the freedom of traveling if we can. Part of my problem is that while I am an independent person by nature, I'm not *financially* independent, so that really limits me. That's why I'm anxious to get my business up and running, so that I CAN get away even if it's only for a few weeks or a couple months. I LOVE to travel and I do go away for long weekends out of state (or country) every other month or so, which is always really nice.

TL/DR: I really do appreciate your advice and I am glad that you've been able to have such a great experience as a result of going away to college, but I don't think it's for me. Please do not think I am simply brushing your input aside. It's just that, unfortunately, the same formula does not work for everyone; it's not as simple as it sounds :/
 

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@sBel90 Okay, I understand. Even if you don't plan on it, you should consider leaving home for some other reason (that you mentioned) in the future if the opportunities come. Btw, I am also one of the oldest out of many in my family. So I totally shunned out the idea when I first started college, and surprise, I'm here. I know it's really up to you to decide what you want to do^^ I guess everyone's different. I have no advice to offer you, because this is how I resolved my issues. But keep searching and good luck to you!!
 

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First of all, HI! I'm new :)

I've actually been creeping around on PerC for a couple weeks and finally decided to register :proud:

It's been really awesome to find out about MBTI and find a new appreciation and understanding for the people around me who think differently than I do. I confess I was very stereotypically judgmental of people who didn't see things my way. So Myers-Briggs has helped open my mind a lot! It's also cool to find so many people to relate to here on PerC :happy: But I digress...

OT: I am the oldest of two working parents and have always felt an immense responsibility to help shoulder their burdens, even though they've never asked me to. Currently I am not going to school although I do have an associates degree in Mathematics. This is OK by me though, since I have decided my real passion is organizing anyway! I'm (slowly) working towards starting my own business in home organizing. Although I am a super-nerd and I love learning and going to school, the part of me that hates owing money sees no reason to continue racking up tons of debt when I could be paid for something I'm passionate about instead. (Especially considering massive debt is one of the things my parents struggle with! Do NOT want to start my life this way!)

Where I am struggling is trying to find a balance between being a dependable member of my family and finding time to actually do the things I love without feeling tied down to them. What I mean is that most of my short-term goals are tied to helping my family and I find that my personal goals tend to get pushed farther and farther back. I don't begrudge this necessarily since I really WANT to help my family. And it would be unfair to say that they are holding me back, because I think the issue is really MINE insofar as I do not feel like I can leave them hanging, so to speak; no one is forcing me. However where most of the people I've gone to school with seem to be actually moving on with their lives, I feel like I am stuck where I have always been, just now I have more adult responsibilities and limitations. :crying: I also feel like I am (and have been) a "mom" for the past 2 or 3 years and I've never even had a boyfriend!!! :confused: I literally chauffeur siblings, cook, grocery shop, and take people to doctor's appointments! Did I mention my current job is also baby-sitting and when I'm done I come home to take care of a 3yr-old?

I suppose my question for you guys is whether you have found yourselves stuck like this, where what you would really like to be doing conflicts strongly with what you feel you should do (i.e. your "duty"). What do you do to keep from losing hope and staying motivated in achieving your goals? How do you keep yourself from allowing present responsibilities from becoming an "excuse" to avoid achieving your dreams? I feel like there is so much more I could say about this issue so I apologize if I have been vague. I am more than happy to answer any specific questions. I just didn't want my first post to be a massive wall of text (although invariably that is what it's turned into! :laughing:)

I appreciate any input/ideas. I know you guys are a helpful and friendly bunch so I am expecting lots of good advice :wink: No pressure or anything.. :crazy:
Hello @sBel90, good luck with starting your own bussiness.

I dont have between my friends any person who is organizing homes profesionaly, so I dont have exact picture how does it go together with taking care of your own familly. But something says me, that it is not contradictory (thanks to that you are having training in something similar anyway), so its basically question of time and which proportion you would dedicate to creating your own bussiness.

Here are people who are doing it professionaly. For example Julie Morgenstern who lead organization company and have clients like Microsoft, Sony Music and American Express.

But also is into home organizing, for example written Organizing from Inside Out (Henry Holt and Company, 1998 NY), which books even includes how to make order in your flat (needed from my part indeed :D). She beguns with being messy and starts organize her life after her baby was born, then developed bussiness.

Sorry for my english:happy:
 

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@Nessie you're right, a lot of my experiences with helping my parents HAVE been "training" for me, so I am thankful for that at least. And yes, this field is still growing and the possibilities/directions you can take it are endless. That's one of the things I really love about it :) Thanks for the references of people who are doing it; they can be good inspirations for me to model after :proud:
 

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Soooo I just gathered my family around to share how I'd been feeling burdened etc. and to set some boundaries. Everyone took it well except my mom. She is NOT happy :frustrating: She's mad because she feels like she is the one who has to carry the weight by herself and she says she never asked me to do anything (which is true she didn't) and that I shouldn't do anything if it's going to make me react like this. And that if I want to be so "independent" maybe I should just move out. :confused: I feel bad for her, I know she feels betrayed or whatnot but it can't go on like this. If she feels that overwhelmed she needs to talk to my dad about it, not me. And if things aren't comfortable between her and him, they need to work on their relationship, not drag me into it. I feel like a bad daughter but I know that guilt isn't warranted. Just a result of trying to be the "model child" all these years. I honestly did not expect her to feel attacked, I was just expressing how I felt... Maybe I just picked a wrong time and didn't give enough warning..
*Siiigh* Idk what to do now. I guess just let her calm down and avoid her for now. Sorry just venting... I'll be okay. :unsure:
 

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Soooo I just gathered my family around to share how I'd been feeling burdened etc. and to set some boundaries. Everyone took it well except my mom. She is NOT happy :frustrating: She's mad because she feels like she is the one who has to carry the weight by herself and she says she never asked me to do anything (which is true she didn't) and that I shouldn't do anything if it's going to make me react like this. And that if I want to be so "independent" maybe I should just move out. :confused: I feel bad for her, I know she feels betrayed or whatnot but it can't go on like this. If she feels that overwhelmed she needs to talk to my dad about it, not me. And if things aren't comfortable between her and him, they need to work on their relationship, not drag me into it. I feel like a bad daughter but I know that guilt isn't warranted. Just a result of trying to be the "model child" all these years. I honestly did not expect her to feel attacked, I was just expressing how I felt... Maybe I just picked a wrong time and didn't give enough warning..
*Siiigh* Idk what to do now. I guess just let her calm down and avoid her for now. Sorry just venting... I'll be okay. :unsure:
Stick with your boundaries. It sounds like your Mom has boundary problems and it might take her a while to adjust, but ultimately you'll both be better off.

Also, if you have to, make a chore list. If you think you're carrying too much AND your Mom thinks she's carrying too much, then either one of you is wrong or there's something else that's causing you guys to do too much extra work. Part of good boundaries is an agreement on division of labor.

Here's a list to help you.
 

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Stick with your boundaries. It sounds like your Mom has boundary problems and it might take her a while to adjust, but ultimately you'll both be better off.

Also, if you have to, make a chore list. If you think you're carrying too much AND your Mom thinks she's carrying too much, then either one of you is wrong or there's something else that's causing you guys to do too much extra work. Part of good boundaries is an agreement on division of labor.

Here's a list to help you.
We talked it over a little bit ago and cleared up some things. It turns out she was more upset by the fact that she thought I was taking out my anger about something else when that had nothing to do with it. I also had to explain that this was more about me finding a balance, not about trying to blame her or anyone else. I mostly wanted her to turn to my dad and other people for help sometimes, not just me. I explained that I felt she depended too much on me rather than my dad and as a result he got off scott-free. She understood and now things are fine. She actually had a conversation with him afterwards to explain to him that they had to figure out a way that their problems wouldn't affect us kids as much. I am hopeful that things are now turning in the right direction.

Thanks for that list - it's detailed all right! Sorry if I alarmed anyone :frustrating: This is what happens when SiFi loop takes over and I impulsively write from a feelings-base. Things aren't really as bad as maybe it came across! :confused:
 
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