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Discussion Starter #1
Hey fellow gorgeousnesses,

I cocked up with a INFJ a while back, I've been musing over it for nearly three months and conclude that although we connected and had feelings for one another I brushed him off without him actually realising how much I care....anyway, alot of time has passed and I feel its a bit late in the day to drag it all up especially since 3 months is a long time and he's most likely been very constructive and is well on the way to moving on....

I feel like an absolute muppet amoung other things that it's taken me so long to work out how much I care(d) and I just don't know how to get past that feeling. I guess ENFPs learn better through positive experiences and find it hard to learn from their mistakes (im not really sure why this is...enlighten me if you like! lol). It does generally take me a very long time to let go, does anyone else have this problem? And any advice from those who've been there - The one that got away so to speak...as much as I hate to say it!

Ps. i do ponder between the two extremes of letting go and minimizing heartache for both parties or fighting for the human right of happiness....so views on both are welcomed :laughing:

Bw,
pie x
 

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I can relate with this. I'm wondering if you truly cared at the time of this relationship the fact you brushed him off. Was it related to your fear of progressing the relationship, or were there factors within the INFJ where your intuition foresaw future heartache and felt it best to avoid? I think its important to distinguish between the two, where the former you can think constructively whether you are ready for a relationship, and the latter being more related to the INFJ and perhaps he was not that complementary to you. Perhaps it's a bit of both. Often times the mind plays tricks on you after a relationship telling you should get back together, but it usually comes from loneliness and not based on true feelings for another. And then when you get back together you realize exactly what drove you apart.

In terms of how to deal with it - usually the best medicine for the one that got away is to meet someone new, someone better. But the cycle will typically repeat if there are fears within yourself that you have not dealt with. Just my thoughts.

BTW, I never heard the term cocked up, I think I'm going to steal that.
 
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MOTM Nov 2010
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I think your mind may be retelling you the story while you were with him. You may be glamourizing it a bit. Is he just more attractive to you now that he has pulled away? You could just have some intimacy issues.

How long were you single before you met him?
 

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Ooo, I wouldn't say that I don't learn well from my mistakes. (I'd hope so; I've made enough of them.) I'm pretty sure the breakup with my first steady girlfriend played a big role in solidifying my Fi values and preparing me for future relationships, for example. I remember, when that one ended, feeling down, sure, but confused more than anything. The solution for me was to un-confuse myself just by thinking deeply and following my intuition around until I formed a better picture of myself and my wants (and, more importantly, of the things I was impartial towards). The key was that all this self-reflection and research got my mind away from thoughts of the relationship and that burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that I associated with the thought of her.

My next girl was more the one who got away, but everything had gone so well in the relationship, and i was so proud of her success (which was kinda the reason we were parting ways), that I couldn't help let her go with a smile. Maybe you can reason out a way to be happy for the one who got away? Celebrate what the simpler, single life might bring him?

It's probably true that the only real ways to let go are time and reflection, but you can supersede them too by filling your present with other things. Distractions is probably the wrong word because it has passive connotations, but you're going to want to get your mind off of it---that's natural. When you're feeling those feelings coming on, maybe see if you can tap into your Se for a second and shift gears to your present stimuli. There's no rush to a resolution otherwise.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Oh my gosh....yes steal it - I have plenty more!

And no....as terms with relationship readiness, definately not, on the day I met him I said I didnt want a relationship and therefore it really was never classed as such, even though we did go through the motions, nights in, dates, dinners etc...I verbalised a few times heatedly that I was taking on more than I could handle...Iritating that despite wanting it, i knew I just couldn't give everything required to pay homage to a beautiful relationship...iritating iritating....Im still not ready and I know going back at this stage would lead me to lose my identity at time's and become out of character because I haven't found myself from my last (what I will call... extremely unhealthy) relationship.

I reckon he probably wanted more and hoped I could manage that because he's a long term kind of guy - He used to say things about taking it slow, keeping it simple and you never know what the future hold...maybe in hindsight his tactful way of playing down the relationship so i didn't freak out LOL!

But yes, poor judgement, I really should not have gone there, for goodness sake, I said initially i didnt want anything, should have been stronger and stuck to that and no fallen head over heels again, but i guess we all want that special somone dont we :cool:

Damn, i feel like a rotten fruit for making me feel that way....oh god, i think i might have just lead someone on ....fuckaduck, that'll be a first! :crying::unsure:
 

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Pie, the reason why I asked you how long you had been single before meeting him, is that if it was a short amount of time, you might just be fearing being alone. When you were in the relationship, you knew it was too soon to be with someone else. Maybe you leaped into this next one out of fear of being alone. You recognized it and ended it. Now you are finally alone and you are feeling uneasy.

I suggest you stay alone. Keep your schedule and patterns up. Find yourself again. Do some activity that you like everyday. Stop focusing on "the one that got away". You were probably rebounding when he entered your life. You don't know really if you two were "meant to be". You still had some healing to do.

Give yourself some time to become independent and strong on your own. When you go back into a relationship, you will have something to bring. You will know yourself better. And you won't be using someone to cure loneliness because you are okay with being alone.

Give yourself time to date yourself. You are going to eventually love it. I promise you will.

You were uneasy and conflicted in this relationship. It wasn't good. It was rocky. You were smart to let it go. Don't question yourself now. It's good that you ended it this way. Rebound relationships usually end in disaster. Consider yourself lucky.

Maybe someday in a year or two when you are ready, you will still be interested? Who knows? Just focus on yourself right now and accomplishing your goals. Make some new ones as well. You can do anything you want now that you gave yourself permission to solely focus on you.
 
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Discussion Starter #7
Pink.....i love you!!!!!

Im honest, I purposefully ignored the question originally because in my heart of hearts I know that, but sometimes it takes for someone else to point it out too

And now....i will answer the question...I split from my ex in Feb of this year although he continued to be abusive before and during my relationship with the new fella...i never hide the fact ive fallen prey to an abuser, its not mainstream enough and it full well should be because its so common!! To add a little too, ive been single for a maximum of 1 year IN TOTAL in my adult life (and im 28)....its right, and i love myself more and more each day im alone....i will write out your post and pin it up because its been an inspiration and I cant wait to be reminded about it again.

Much love,
Pie xxx
 
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Pink.....i love you!!!!!

Im honest, I purposefully ignored the question originally because in my heart of hearts I know that, but sometimes it takes for someone else to point it out too

And now....i will answer the question...I split from my ex in Feb of this year although he continued to be abusive before and during my relationship with the new fella...i never hide the fact ive fallen prey to an abuser, its not mainstream enough and it full well should be because its so common!! To add a little too, ive been single for a maximum of 1 year IN TOTAL in my adult life (and im 28)....its right, and i love myself more and more each day im alone....i will write out your post and pin it up because its been an inspiration and I cant wait to be reminded about it again.

Much love,
Pie xxx
Takes one to know one, sweetie. :wink:

Much love back,
Pink
 
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