[confused girl28]

Let´s say you are in a relationship, and you both truly love each other but sometimes you just can´t get it together, because you are polar opposites and it is really hard to find the middle ground.
And you get hurt once and again and again...but not because he/she is a bad person but because it is a human condition, everybody will hurt your feelings, but you truly love him/her so, you make up your mind, heal the wounds and try again, because the relationship is really important to you, but no matter how hard you try or how much you know he/she doesn´t do it on purpose, you get hurt one more time.

When would you say enough is enough? how long would you Keep trying to fix what seems unfixable? is that unconditional love or merely stubbornness?

For me, it seems like I will never feel like "enough is enough", I need to keep trying when I love someone...unconditional love or stubborness? well, maybe 50/50 of both

I´d really like to hear your opinions :happy:

 

[Werewolfen]

Listen to YOUR heart, not theirs, and follow it. You are responsible for YOU , not them. You have free will as everyone does. Let go or hold on. It's something that has to come from the internal source of YOU.

 

[segway92]

Honestly I always feel i could do more. I never want to give up on someone especially someone i love. But after awhile we hit that point where we realize I really can't fix them no matter how hard I try. I believe only you can know when enough is enough. Maybe it's when the pain from them hurting you gets to be too much. Or maybe it's when you realize they're true intentions. I don't know the whole situation but an outsiders view tends to bring new insight. Now if you just want a simple black and white answer or a deadline. My Father always use to say " Three strikes and you're out!" . Also i'll end this with saying if they truly cared they would not keep messing up, unless they knew you would continue to take their crap.

 

[Werewolfen]

Honestly I always feel i could do more. I never want to give up on someone especially someone i love. But after awhile we hit that point where we realize I really can't fix them no matter how hard I try. I believe only you can know when enough is enough. Maybe it's when the pain from them hurting you gets to be too much. Or maybe it's when you realize they're true intentions. I don't know the whole situation but an outsiders view tends to bring new insight. Now if you just want a simple black and white answer or a deadline. My Father always use to say " Three strikes and you're out!" . Also i'll end this with saying if they truly cared they would not keep messing up, unless they knew you would continue to take their crap.

Suppose , just say that it's not so much of "them" on either side that needs "fixing" but the issue has more to do with a "situation" that needs fixing. Suppose this situation is distance , being far apart that is the root of the problem which all other issues stem from? That's what I'd love to know myself.

 

[confused girl28]

Thank you for the quick replies

@Werewolfen thanks for your words. I always listen to my heart, maybe that´s the problem? I don´t know, I just always find the way to give more, and even if I know I will run out of patience one day, it looks like I never get there.

@segway92 your father is a smart man

 

[segway92]

well are both people willing to make this work or is it all one sided? Is it a situation that is causing the issue? Or is it situations that give them the excuse for such behavior that is hurting said person?

 

[Mendi the ISFJ]

I think the answer lies in if you you can live the rest of your life with the way things are now... because down the road things tend to just get worse as people tend to try less and less. If you believe that you can make it work then stick with it, especially if they show signs of improving themselves (as you cannot improve them) but if they arent and things arent getting better (or they are abusing you in any way) then its time to move on for the good of you both.

 

[Agape]

I try to practice unconditional love but you have to remember that there exist something called self-love. A relationship should bring you joy not headache. When a relationships cause you stress, anxiety and unhappiness is time to let go. There are thousands of great people out there. Nothing is eternal but that's ok . Each relationship offer us a chance to grow and usually we have beautiful memories to remember when life is kicking us hard.

Of course you should try to fix it...but after trying a few times and things don't seen to improvise is time to move on. Relationships should have a healing effect on oneself not a source of distress or preoccupation. You are a beautiful girl, never forget that. You just need to be more secure of yourself and you will find another relationship even if this one ends. When a door is close, multiple ones are open.

You could try also doing what I share with you in a pm a long time ago. As long as the relationship had a few smooth months, that will solve all the relationship problems, because that is the root of all marital problems..but need for both partners to have the initiative to try it for a while.

 

[Dalien]

Suppose , just say that it's not so much of "them" on either side that needs "fixing" but the issue has more to do with a "situation" that needs fixing. Suppose this situation is distance , being far apart that is the root of the problem which all other issues stem from? That's what I'd love to know myself.

Here is just a thought:
If one or the other isn't willing to move to one or the other, then maybe picking a mutual different place of abode than one or the other's place might solve this distance dilema? Of course, all other issues must be taken into consideration; even with, this approach, such as: job, finance, etc.

 

[lotsoluffles]

I would give up after the third time, maybe fourth or fifth if I really liked the person. If it's not fixable and hurts me, it's not worth my time. Life is too short, and there are too many people out there.

I experienced something similar, though. It was one of my first relationships. He had a lot of bad habits and I remember crying one night alone because he had lied to me, but I was young and thought love was a physical reaction to people. I also was not a happy person, so I needed him to make me feel like I was important to someone (I had abusive parents). Eventually, I had to cut it off. I would never go through that again.

 

[confused girl28]

well are both people willing to make this work or is it all one sided? Is it a situation that is causing the issue? Or is it situations that give them the excuse for such behavior that is hurting said person?

yes, they are willing to make it works, they love each other and want to be together.
what causes the problem is they are polar opposites, they work in such a different way, and it is hard to understand each other often times

 

[Terrestrial Wisdom]

I don't like drama, and I'm not a paid therapist so I don't believe fixing people or helping them sort their problems. I'm single now because relationships aren't worth the hassle to me.

 

[Werewolfen]

My situation with this person that I deeply love is not knowing what I had when I had it, then realizing what I had only after I pissed A LOT of time away, distance being a factor too. I won't name this person , she knows who she is and she reads these posts. I can't just lay down everything I have to travel to this person right NOW, but if she can hold out for 2 more months from now so I can arrange and plan for it, I could and would travel to her and spend an ENTIRE MONTH in her city.

For this to happen, I'd need her permission and invitation , certainly I wouldn't just show up like a creepy stalker uninvited and unexpected. Would also live in my own motel room during that time and not at her place so she would have her alone time to reflect in private with her own decision making about us. There would also have to be more communication with her between now and that time. She also knows that I recently mentioned about making hard planned decisions and sacrifices, I would do that at the end of my month's stay as to whether to relocate to her location, depending on how she takes to me during that time with her. If all went smooth during that time, plans on relocating would happen IMMEDIATELY thereafter. If not, then I'd leave , tell her goodbye without making a dramatic scene.

That's really the only way either one of us will know for certain if we are meant for each other. You can only tell so much about a person over the internet. It's going to take this to get this off the ground if it's ever going to get off the ground. I know she'll read this, and I need her to message me of what she thinks about this.

I'll hold to everything I've said here, but the only way this will ever happen is if she says YES to it.

I don't expect everything to be peachy fairytale like either. There would have to be a lot of opening up and communication during that time with her. I didn't make this offer when I came back after my long absence because I thought the chance for it was too late and I'm throwing down all of my cards, I'm holding no more cards now. I'll gladly be her INTJ if she wants me to be ( she thinks I'm faking being an INFJ ! )

I love you , lady. Is this that "confidence" you want to see that you claim I lack ?

I'm not joking with any of this, but you will have to invite me , say yes, say come on , say something.

We can even discuss this here for all to see if you want, it wouldn't bother me.

Whatever you want. If you want action on my part it , here it is.

 

[confused girl28]

Thank you very much for the replies! you guys always help me a lot, and I really appreciate that! thanks again :happy:

And I have one more question for you :tongue:

would you walk away from a relationship knowing you could do better or you could give more?

I think I prefer to stay and keep trying and regret because I did too much than regret because I didn´t try hard enough. And btw, I always feel guilty when I get to the point of enough is enough with someone I love.

 

[Vivid Melody]

If we were polar opposites but really loved each other, sure I could make it work but that would never happen because that's not what I'm attracted to (polar opposites).

 

[Perspicacious]

I think I prefer to stay and keep trying and regret because I did too much than regret because I didn´t try hard enough. And btw, I always feel guilty when I get to the point of enough is enough with someone I love.

I thought this once, and it might be a horrible thing to say but I wish I hadn't. Life is short. Now that I've found someone and know what a healthy relationship, a supporting relationship, a truly loving relationship feels like.... I regret a little bit. I regret that I gave so much effort, so many years of my life, to relationships that were exhausting if not just plain unhealthy. I regret all the time I spent vacillating between not feeling "good enough" or feeling angry at the other person or at a situation.

Being given now, what I've always tried to give in a relationship and consequently what I realize I was always hoping to receive in return in a relationship...feeling like I'm working together with someone, not trying to complete someone or fix someone, just loving someone and being loved and moving toward mutual goals... now I wonder... what the hell was I doing before?

Everyone kept telling me, love sucks, relationships are hard, what you want to have, you can't ever have it, it doesn't exist.

They were wrong.

Relationships aren't perfect, but there's a difference between needing to put a little superglue on a chip, and having to duct tape the whole thing to even hold it together while it still leaks.

 

[bengalcat]

I wish I could thank your post more than once @Perspicacious.

I was in a relationship like this. I stayed for aaaages, much longer beyond when I first had real doubts. I always kept trying and working on it, it almost felt like I didn't have a choice.

When I said enough it was an instant, spur of the moment decision that happened after months of a particularly bad phase. It happened after he replied to a question I asked him (a happy, fun question) in a self-absorbed way, when I had been thinking of it with "us" in mind.... It made me realise that his mind really wasn't geared to thinking about 'us', he was still only really focused on himself. It made me realise how ridiculous all my work was. [Note - this makes it seem like he's obviously some selfish, crappy person but in his own way he had been fixated on us staying together as well. And I believe he really loved and cared about me, despite not being very good at teamwork.]

It's one thing for it to be a case of "oh we're different and have interesting misunderstandings, ho ho" and another for it to be a case where you really have a super hard time meeting each other's needs and end up tired and a shell of yourself. Before I was able to break it off I had been afraid for a while that I would never do it, and I knew that would be the worst thing because being in that relationship made life more grey for me. Less inspiring, less beautiful, less open and hopeful, less warm. You know, like 3-4 years in... I really agree with what Perspicacious and Mendi have said. Being in it for a few years already, I looked ahead and imagined what life together for the rest of our lives would feel like, assuming no huge change to how our dynamic worked then. It seemed like a prison sentence. Even though I loved him and think he's a good person, we were really not good together in a romantic relationship, and the emotional stress and strain got worse with time. Life is too short. I believe a romantic relationship should be a comfortable, fun and nurturing place first and foremost.

I think that if you're really trying, you need to know exactly what you're trying for and how often you experience the good stuff you're aiming for. Trying for trying's sake or feeling like you have to is not a great sign.

feeling like I'm working together with someone, not trying to complete someone or fix someone, just loving someone and being loved and moving toward mutual goals... now I wonder... what the hell was I doing before?

*nods head*

 

[killerB]

I have had to learn to weigh if I am more happy with this person, or more miserable. Do you feel better away from them, or worse?

 

[confused girl28]

@Perspicacious @bengalcat you gave me a few things to think about thank you *hugs*

I have had to learn to weigh if I am more happy with this person, or more miserable. Do you feel better away from them, or worse?

Better with him, definitely, it is just....when we do right, we do it really great, but then when we do bad, we do it really bad, there is not middle ground mostly.

Thanks to all who took a time to reply, I really appreciate that, your comments are very helpful roud:

 

[Signifies]

Relationships aren't perfect, but there's a difference between needing to put a little superglue on a chip, and having to duct tape the whole thing to even hold it together while it still leaks.

Wow. You are so insightful. I love this quote!