Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,201 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm curious how other INFJ's try and handle their exes. I usually just give them the INFJ doorslam, although not always. The reason for it is well, obviously I feel a bit hurt by them. I don't think any of my exes would ever say I did anything bad towards them, but things just have never worked out. I know people can't control their feelings, and I don't ever blame someone for not having romantic feelings for me. I will however blame them for saying very serious things and then pulling a 180, which consequently will lead to that person getting doorslammed (as my doorslam of someone yesterday would show) :D.

Examples of things they said and changed their mind about.

I belong to you.
I'm yours
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
God you're perfect
You're so amazing

The list goes on. Anyways, I'd be lying if I didn't say I saw it coming. I also held back a little bit because I drew parallels from a previous relationship so I've experienced it before and luckily that prevented me from being hurt too much. It doesn't prevent me from being angry at them though, hence the doorslam. Despite them being cut out of my life and me working on forgetting them, I'd still help them if they ever requested my assistance. It seems weird.. like. I don't want to talk to her for years probably, if ever again, but if she was in need I would aid her to the best of my ability. I don't know if she knows that, and I don't plan on telling her either way. Wondering how many of you can relate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,178 Posts
To be honest, I've only been single by the other person's choice one time. In that instance, the guy came up with an excuse for why he was dumping me, but then a few weeks later I found out he'd dumped me because he and my best friend had had something going behind my back for the duration of the relationship. Yikes. I was sixteen at the time...so naive.

I tend to cut off contact with my exes if they have really wronged me. Even if they haven't, I have to distance myself a little. It doesn't seem right for us to stay close if we're trying to separate, because if we're still close, we may just get back together and if I've gone through the process of letting go...I don't want that. It's painful, for sure. Once years have passed and both of us have moved on, I don't have a problem with talking now and then.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,474 Posts
I'm curious how other INFJ's try and handle their exes. I usually just give them the INFJ doorslam, although not always. The reason for it is well, obviously I feel a bit hurt by them. I don't think any of my exes would ever say I did anything bad towards them, but things just have never worked out. I know people can't control their feelings, and I don't ever blame someone for not having romantic feelings for me. I will however blame them for saying very serious things and then pulling a 180, which consequently will lead to that person getting doorslammed (as my doorslam of someone yesterday would show) :D.

Examples of things they said and changed their mind about.

I belong to you.
I'm yours
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
God you're perfect
You're so amazing

The list goes on. Anyways, I'd be lying if I didn't say I saw it coming. I also held back a little bit because I drew parallels from a previous relationship so I've experienced it before and luckily that prevented me from being hurt too much. It doesn't prevent me from being angry at them though, hence the doorslam. Despite them being cut out of my life and me working on forgetting them, I'd still help them if they ever requested my assistance. It seems weird.. like. I don't want to talk to her for years probably, if ever again, but if she was in need I would aid her to the best of my ability. I don't know if she knows that, and I don't plan on telling her either way. Wondering how many of you can relate.
The ones who play's games are the worse yeah total doorslam for those type's with a pad lock.
As you said though I think we as INFJs are to soft sometimes even when we know the situation and after the doorslam . If that person needs help or something we would still try to reach out through the feed tray in the door and attempt to help.
It is kinda hard not be angry someone who just plays with your heart or emotions as if they didnt matter at all. Or if we are just suppose to be the typical guy and not care about such and say thank you for all the games you played.

Doorslam is the typical way to go for me I usually try to reconcile the situation before it gets to that point. So we an still be friends or not mad at each other that way I dont have to cut out a tray slot for her. As you mentioned we usually see it happening anyway but don't say anything about most of the times.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,005 Posts
During a point in college I got tired of being in situations where I'd get in arguments with a friend or whoever and then result in a "doorslam" so when I transferred to the university I came in with this philosophy of always try to forgive and move on and still be civil.

The ironic thing is that, in my case, even when the last thing I want to do is slam my door on the person, they still end up doing that it to me.

With my first ex that I had when I first transferred to a university, I'll admit that I intuitively knew that it wasn't going to last beyond college after the first month... though I was perfectly happy. I think being aware of that on some level helped me remember to make friends and keep in touch with them rather than just be focused on my boyfriend at the time.
Needless to say, one day he dumped me without any warning and it was MUCH earlier than I anticipated.
To make a long story short, this ISFP ex of mine went through this spout of confusion for several months not knowing what he wanted in life and acted like he wanted me one week and not the next. What an emotional mess.
I should have "doorslammed" that one, but I was determined to forgive and be friends... but that just never worked due to his confusion... go figure. Ultimately, he cut me completely from his life.

The next ex... I truly thought that even after we did date we would still be friends afterwards. Apparently I saw him as being more mature than he truly was. He also chose to get into a rut over his own personal issues, as he felt he failed himself in areas of our relationship and rather than looking ahead he simply chose to dig himself a hole and sit there while I was above comforting and encouraging him to get out.
He ended up dumping me as well. When I commented a few weeks later that I thought we could still be friends afterward he was all pessimistic over the idea.
4 months after the breakup he started this stream of texting me crying about his own insecurities and failures for about 2-3 weeks, which I tolerated and comforted him (for some unknown reason) even though after I did he would twist it around somehow to attack me for things.
I think after that I technically "doorslammed" him... though I think it was basically mutual. Neither of us has bothered to talk to one another since the day I yelled back at him for basically being an ignorant ass hole for crying to me after dumping me.

And yes.. I've heard all of those things you've listed as well. Shit, they both started talking marriage for some damn reason... and talking about stuff that I never thought of on my own time.

I need to find a better breed to date. I actually think part of the problem is they were both S types.:bored:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
619 Posts
It's a mental door shut.
I'd just tell them say why we broke up and go from there. It's a mental door shut saying that I really don't want you in my life.
 
  • Like
Reactions: entropy

·
Registered
Joined
·
409 Posts
I've done that a couple of times, once with a friend, once with a boyfriend. With both of them I let things go on way too long, to the point that I had to slam the door as the mess was too big to clean up or work past.
With the friend, a part of me never let her that close anyway, but she was oh so friendly at first, calling me her bf early on - then her ice queen heartless side began to show. The boyfriend was oh so friendly at the start too, and then back peddled once he 'had' me - I have to admit I didn't see that coming, I was very naive.
I did the door slam on my mom for a few years, but then let her back in my life in a limited way because of guilt and for the sake of family unity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
440 Posts
i cut them out of my life and play my own version of vanilla sky
the versions of them that they hurted me does no longer exist
and i never see them in real life ever again
but the old versions of them that i had good times with stays with me in parallel universe.. and they are my imaginary friends and i develope relationships with them.. sometimes its much more romantic that way
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
802 Posts
Generally I respond the same way, whether it's a friend or boyfriend or whatever. Any time I'm hurt in a relationship, I withdraw and create as much distance as possible between me and the other person. Given time, I might be able to forgive them and then have some sort of amicable relationship, but they'll probably never be close to me again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,367 Posts
In my last big relationship I was dumped. In the beginning he was always asking me to open up to him and get close to him and become comfortable and break down all my walls. So, one day I made the decision to do that even though I was very scared to and...

Turns out he had bigger isssues than I did about oppening up and of course I was the one to take all the pain. He was 4 yrs younger than me and still saw himself sifting through more women before finally settle down with one. :angry:

Alot of the times when people are young they have these ideas about who they are and how they would react in certain situations and when they are confronted with the situation they realize they are not all wondrfull like they envisioned themselves to be. I fell in love with what he thought he was/wanted to be. Then when I saw his difficulties, I fell even more in love with him. I guess it did not work that way for him or maybe he is better at denial and does not hold love to be as important as I do. Aquarious, Capricorn combo is not supposed to work anyway. I guess I should have checked that before I fell in love with him. :crying::crying::crying:

I have only been in 2 serious love relationships. The first one I dumped and was forced to doorslam because he would not stop calling a texting me saying "I love you" one second and "I burned you and am better than you" the next. The second one was the one from above and he doorslammed me. He wanted to be freinds who only catch up about twice a year and I wanted to be more. I felt like he was keeping me in his back pocket and that is not cool. I was there for him, and he wanted to keep that, but he was not there for me.:frustrating: Selfish bastard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
688 Posts
There is a reason we call them X. Like your dead too me. I would never help an X or talk too them. If it's over it's over. There is nothing left to discuss.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
It doesn't seem to matter who does the dumping (usually I am the one to end things when I sense the inevitable). My style is similar to what dejavu mentioned. If I feel "wronged", I completely cut the person off. If it was a mutual, honest breakup, then I need some distance. Either way, unless it ended over something terrible, after a few months, I'm quite capable being friendly with the person, as long as I don't feel like I'm being strung along or toyed with.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top