[Elysia]

So...not sure if there is a thread out there already about this (I tried using the power of the great Google to no avail) but I want to get the INFP perspective on unrequited crushes (especially an INFP male perspective).

When INFPs get crushes on people who are more acquaintances than friends would you rather be left in your dream world and have it eventually fade out of existence (hopefully?) or have the person just crush the dream if they don't return the feelings (or is this to be avoided?)?

Also how long do your crushes normally last? Is there a particular length of time where the person being crushed on should start to take action if they don't return the feelings?

I know that I probably haven't given nearly enough info and someone being an INFP doesn't mean they react the same way as another INFP. The world of crushes is also extremely complicated with many different variables :tongue:

From reading some of the other INFP threads I think that the INFP in question is crushing on the idea of the person.

If you vote in the poll, I'd also like to hear your reasoning behind the choice ^^

 

[Roze]

I don't think I'll have a crush on a acquaintance unless I know them well enough, and if I do, then most likely they'll be a friend.

Hypothetically speaking, If I crushed on an acquaintance, I would let it fade out. Much better than getting yourself hurt in the end. Besides, it's pretty much not going to happen anyway.

...I'm not sure. For a friend, I'll crush for a lonnnng time. For an acquaintance, I can't say whether it'll be short term or long term. I think it depends on the persons qualities.

Ehh. Hope I helped somehow .___.

 

[Elysia]

...I'm not sure. For a friend, I'll crush for a lonnnng time. For an acquaintance, I can't say whether it'll be short term or long term. I think it depends on the persons qualities.

Ehh. Hope I helped somehow .___.

Your reply was kinda helpful :tongue:

Well the dilemma is that if the INFP didn't have a crush I would want to be friends but because I know and don't return the feelings I don't want to lead him on by being his friend hence avoiding all his attempts at becoming friends.

Then again if he's got a crush on the 'idea in his head' then maybe the crush will end if we become friends and he sees who I really am does not equal the person in his head... or it could go the other way hence I don't know if I want to take that risk.

 

[Lad]

I'll use much stronger words here, but this has generally been my logic.

In terms of romantic love, it makes absolutely no sense to love somebody that doesn't love you. There are so many people out there that would truly appreciate us for who we are and could teach us so many things. While we may end up dating a lot of different people in our lives, it's important to learn something from each of them. Even the "bad" ones act as a stepping stone towards personal growth. Yet all these we end up having relationships with all share one commonality, they all wanted to be with us.

It's a waste to devote intense feelings such as love, or even as a crush, to someone that can't reciprocate it back to at least some extent. To continue to care about this person is the same as holding ourselves back and delays ourselves from finding the actual people that will touch our lives.

----
As for your questions, crush or hopeful? Crush me so I know there is no chance. This is basically closure. Nothing I do can change it and thus I have to move on.

Crush lasting time? I had a crush on a girl for 2 years recently, I rejected her for 1 year because I was on a dating break and then I ended up dating during a small timeframe where I didn't see her for awhile. Even as I dated I still had a bit of a crush (bad bad bad! I know). I suppose I was in that "hopeful" stage *wink*. Outside of that though, my crush will likely last quite a long period of time, but at different levels of strength. Sometimes I can forget you exist and then I have a random dream about you out of nowhere,... grr.

---
Eyes are blurry, sorry for any grammatical errors. ZzZ time, gl.

 

[obz900]

Story of my life. I've had much experience with the third option, and it sucks bad. Better they just come right out and say it instead of continuing to waste my time and emotions. It makes things less awkward too, eventually.

 

[Elysia]

I'll use much stronger words here, but this has generally been my logic.

In terms of romantic love, it makes absolutely no sense to love somebody that doesn't love you. There are so many people out there that would truly appreciate us for who we are and could teach us so many things.

Crush lasting time? I had a crush on a girl for 2 years recently.

I definitely agree with your thoughts. I view crushes as a huuuge waste of time + I'd rather be friends with someone first to see if they are 'crush-worthy'.

2 years? Wow. Hmm this one has been going on for about a year or a bit longer? So I'm feeling kind of guilty that I'm just ignoring it but on the other hand I don't want to hurt his feelings. BUT it seems like everyone is just telling me to crush le dream...hmmm.

I suppose another thing is that if I do say how I feel, he may disregard it as we aren't friends so how am I to know whether I will like him (my twisted logic).

 

[Elysia]

Story of my life. I've had much experience with the third option, and it sucks bad. Better they just come right out and say it instead of continuing to waste my time and emotions. It makes things less awkward too, eventually.

Well if he were a friend or had been more forward in making advances I would have already stated my feelings early on but because he is more of an acquaintance and doing the 'passive crush' thing I feel like I don't have the obligation to or maybe it's just because I can more easily forget about it. Then again I seem to be wrong :tongue:

 

[davisk]

Giving subtle hints is the kiss of death for an INFP. I drive myself insane when put in these kinds of situations. My heart always knows what's right, but the crush is always persistent. It's incredibly painful. And what's more so, painful to watch. Just say what you feel; everything will work itself out.

 

[wanderingone]

Yeah, you most certainly should talk about it. It's only weird because you haven't talked already, as soon as everything's in the open and theres no mystery, then you can both move on and be happy instead of awkward. Crushes will last a LONG time in certain situations... we won't give up hope unless we're sure, i won't anyway.

 

[Darkestblue]

I just went through this recently. I get it when they give me the subtle hints that they don't feel the same way, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me. Sooner or later, I need them to tell me straight up how they really feel. I just like to have that affirmation.

 

[under skies]

I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't trust this as a type thing.

Personally, I pretty much know when someone doesn't like me (or I am often assuming people don't, anyway), so being told that my affections aren't returned could just be unnecessarily awkward and kind of painful.

If he actually seems to be under the impression that the relationship could go somewhere and that's making you uncomfortable, then, yeah, go ahead and make it clear that you only think of him as a friend. If he hasn't actually been ~making moves, though, I think I would just let it be... He should be able to tell when you're not playing along, anyway.

But this is just me.

 

[Ehre]

For INFPs, I'll say this:
Don't rely on the other person to do something. You will end up wasting a lot of time fantasizing about something that will never happen. If you like someone, pursue. If you're too nervous, move on. Quite simply put, it's a waste of time. Take this from a voice of experience.

For the OP
INFPs have a tendency to fantasize too far. We live in this fairy tale world where we're the hero who ends up with everything in the end. Yet for some reason, life doesn't revolve around us. It can often take something big to break this barrier between worlds.
As for me, the only way to snap me back to reality was for the girl I had been crushing on to slap me in the face and tell me to leave her alone, because I had diluted myself too far into my fantasy world and no longer saw her as she was, but as who I wanted her to be.

Straight up confrontation is best, even when harsh -if you ask me harsh is good because it sends the message home a lot better. Be blunt and straight forward so there is no misinterpretation, or even a possibility of it.

 

[Tommy]

Hints fail on me, because I have something called hope!

 

[ForsakenMe]

I'd rather they just tell me straight on that they don't like me back, of course as nicely as possible...

I'm pathetic. When I fall for someone, I'll like them for a pretty long time... Even if they don't like me back... I'll always think about them, dream about them, and fantasize that they love me back... This takes several months at a time. :frustrating:

 

[Darkestblue]

I'm pathetic. When I fall for someone, I'll like them for a pretty long time... Even if they don't like me back... I'll always think about them, dream about them, and fantasize that they love me back... This takes several months at a time. :frustrating:

Oh man. I am so like this, too.

 

[caraez]

I'm pathetic. When I fall for someone, I'll like them for a pretty long time... Even if they don't like me back... I'll always think about them, dream about them, and fantasize that they love me back... This takes several months at a time. :frustrating:

To get over someone, I have to completely cut them out. Start ignoring them in the hallway, don't try to talk to them, and everytime they come up in my thoughts abuse myself for it. Above all, tell myself there's no way they like me back, in fact they hate me and I annoy them. Works every time for people who I'm not actually friends with.

With people who are good friends, the situation is much more difficult. Usually I just hold onto my lingering crush but don't act on it. Cut them out as an option. I can't touch them. After awhile the feelings are still there but I can ignore them easily, especially if another crush overshadows it.

I said it just depends. If I'm friends with the person, or actually talk to them regurally, if they just say something it'd be better. If I don't know them at all, if they just walk up to and slap me silly itd certainly be a shock. I guess that works too. So really - itd be better to just tell them you know they like you and you don't like them back if it lingers longer than a month or so.

 

[AllorNuthin]

Crush him, it's for the best. As an INFP I crush for years at a time, mostly when I don't have any contact with the girls I like. I start fantasizing and making them into something they're not. Then when I finally talk to them, and they are mean or whatever, it crushes my fantasies and makes me feel horrible, but it's like a burden being lifted. I can't help but crush on anyone who has good looks and fantasize about everything I think would make me happy. But I know that what I think I want isn't necessarily what I need. And that it has very little to do with real love. I hate being so desperate to fall for girls, I usually feel so miserable that I'm always inventing some movie in my head where true love wins and I finally like my life. In my opinion the idea that love always wins is what makes stalkers, haha.

Let him go, tell him the truth and be sensitive about it. Just let him know how you feel and that it's not going to change, nothing personal, but it's not gonna work out. That would be good for him, and it would let you off the hook for feeling reponsible for his feelings. Life is hard, and the sooner you are able to see things clearly the better chance you have of figuring out how it really all works. I'm so tired of being the way I am, I wish I felt alright about myself, but I don't and I'm always looking for that perfect relationship to make me feel whole. Uggh, 'm trying my best to get healthy, and I know it's all stuff I have to do on my own. But it sucks being 26 and being single for more than three years. I know it will be at least another year before I even get a date.

 

[NeonBomb]

I like to live out the fantasy thank you very much

 

[Azure Bass]

It's not so much getting the dream crushed, as much it is dreaming of possible outcomes for possible situations. lately it's been show that i really am a hopeless romantic, but being denied a relationship kind of puts my sexuality aside, and lets room for emotional growth to take place. Whether it's being denied, not sharing mutual feelings, or having mutual feelings and digressing friendship to friend zone, that's the most effective way (for me) to get through to girls, to be emotionally present friends.

 

[Dary]

I want them to tell me. I always want sincerity.