*hugs to Jawz and IluvHSJ* I'm so sorry that you can't feel like you can't express your frustrations with your families and friends, especially the clueless Thinker types. I am one of those, and it's frustrating that my ENFJ friend is so supportive to me but I can't be the same in return. Maybe this will help? It's a glimpse of what goes on my end when my friend is upset:
To answer a question in the original post--yes, I can easily tell when he's is upset or unhappy and trying to fake otherwise. He and I keep in touch mostly through email, but I can hear the joy coming through when he shares a hopeful idea, an insight, or just something he loved about his day. When he's unhappy, that joy isn't there (even though he explicitly expresses his upset only rarely). His emails are shorter, more factual, and it's less of a two-way conversation where he builds on my ideas and invites me to builds on his. He's there, I'm here, but our usual synergy is missing and he can't fake that. He may not realize it, but it's a huge red flag and recognizing it is easy.
That said, being a clueless Thinker, I find it a lot harder to actually help my friend out of the dark moods. Maybe this is a limitation of not being face to face (but probably more of me being a clueless Thinker), but I feel like my tools are limited and straightforward--basically, variations on "how are you feeling? I'm here if you want to talk about things that are bothering you." He'll usually give me the classic "I'm fine" response mentioned above,
but he's clearly not fine and I feel stuck. To me, if he doesn't want--or feels like he can't--to talk to me about it, I don't want to nag or pry or intrude when he's dealing with enough already. But if he's in a bad (or just not good) place, it sucks that he can't be honest with me about it, and it's even worse that he's going through a tough time and he isn't being helped.
I do what I can indirectly (which isn't much, admittedly). I try to send links he'll think are funny or interesting. I'll relay anecdotes of his acquaintances, especially heartwarming or purely ridiculous stories. I'll ask for his advice about people we both know. Or I'll try to concoct future plans ("Remember that Turkish restaurant near the bridge? Andy says they've revamped their menu. Next time you're here, we should try it...") I have a sneaking suspicion that none of these things really work, but it'd be worse if I didn't do any of them at all. But I do wonder if he feels annoyed at me at these times but is too polite to say so.
And then one day, the synergy is back and I know he's okay again. But I always wonder if I could have done more, done better, for him.
Falling Leaves said:
It's not always fair to expect other people to understand what you are feeling from little non-verbal cues alone, sometimes the first step in getting validation is actually admitting that you have a problem. I know talking about your innermost feelings is hard, we might tell ourselves it's because 'it's not their problem' or 'they wouldn't understand', but at the end of the day we just don't like opening ourselves up and admitting that we're a lot more vulnerable and needy than we act.
I have to agree wholeheartedly with this. I understand wanting to not be a burden, or that talking about oneself might feel selfish to an ENFJ. But for someone less emotionally adept (to be blunt, me) watching a friend who is clearly in pain but not expressing it--indeed, lying about it when I want to help--is a burden anyway. Because while I'll never have his (and more broadly, the ENFJ) skill for reaching out to people, the love is the same. At times like this, it feels like my friend cuts himself off from the support he so willingly gives to others. And in case it must be said, that's wrong on approximately a kazillion levels.
