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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey ya'll. I'll keep this short (maybe).

My best friend is an ENFP. We're really tight - we've been friends years, we typically hang out once a week if our schedule permits and it's not uncommon for us to send a few texts back and forth daily; blahblahblah, you get the gist. BUT every once in a while, ENFP completely disappears. Currently, I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. This disappearance isn't the first, he's done it before in the past - I think that time he disappeared for like 6 months.

With that being said, this is not an Ne related disappearance; I experience Ne disappearance firsthand so I know those particular disappearances aren't generally so long. Also, I don't disappear in this manner (because of Fe?) so I have a really hard time comprehending it.

Additionally, I did nothing to provoke this disappearance. Last time we hung out was fine, he even complimented our friendship. Then a few days later, he sent me text asking me to go to a lecture with him. The night we were supposed to go, I sent him a text for details but I heard nothing back from him.

Personally, I find the situation a bit distressing and selfish on his end - it's so rude. But, I miss my friend!!!

Do any of you do this kind of thing? Why? I should send him a text but I don't want to upset him by saying something wrong, what might be the best thing to say?
 

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I think that’s a really smart way to put it about the Ne disappearances which are short and the Fi disappearances which can get rough. I call it “going into my cave”. It’s not a good place to be after a bit. Kind of necessary to go in and retreat at first, but then you can “get stuck” and feel more guilty the more you are away and rationalize that nobody wants to see you now or that you are on your own and basically this might be when your friend needs you most. Maybe to reach out and say “I miss you” and maybe to accept any kind of disappointment the ENFP is inflicting or to accept any negative feelings or flat-out changes in mood the ENFP is experiencing.
Those people who can do this are the people in my inner-circle. The ones who can deal with my pain,the ones who accept more about me than just the happy enthusiastic me that I usually only let most of my friends/aquaintences know. This is the difference for me about who really will stick with me in my life, I don’t find enough of these folks, but then you only need a few.
Also I try to be this for others and it can make me into a rock for the ones who need me. If you fall on hard times, know that the ENFP will be there for you.
 

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I tend to go in and out of my friends life- I notice with Fe ( dom/aux) I see them more often if they were to initiate the contact. Have you tried calling him just to chat ?

I'm not in your situation so perhaps you'll be able to figure him out better than I can.
Unsure if this story would be any help ....

° I had an infj close guy friend who decided that friendship with me hurted too much bc I tend to run in and out of his life every few years or so and decided to cut contact with me for years...what hurted me was his assumption that he scared me off or i got bored of him and door slamming me for a reason that could easily be resolved ( this was ages ago, he and I are close now) . For me once the connection is established consistency of communication is No longer important
Hope that helps

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
 

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Hey, maybe he felt you are hitting on him or something. Is he in a relationship? His girfriend could be the case. If he has one she could be jealous of you. Or he could have just gotten a girflriend and his disappearance is made because he has his interests elsewhere?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I think that’s a really smart way to put it about the Ne disappearances which are short and the Fi disappearances which can get rough. I call it “going into my cave”. It’s not a good place to be after a bit. Kind of necessary to go in and retreat at first, but then you can “get stuck” and feel more guilty the more you are away and rationalize that nobody wants to see you now or that you are on your own and basically this might be when your friend needs you most. Maybe to reach out and say “I miss you” and maybe to accept any kind of disappointment the ENFP is inflicting or to accept any negative feelings or flat-out changes in mood the ENFP is experiencing.
Those people who can do this are the people in my inner-circle. The ones who can deal with my pain,the ones who accept more about me than just the happy enthusiastic me that I usually only let most of my friends/aquaintences know. This is the difference for me about who really will stick with me in my life, I don’t find enough of these folks, but then you only need a few.
Also I try to be this for others and it can make me into a rock for the ones who need me. If you fall on hard times, know that the ENFP will be there for you.
Thank you, that's helpful. It also makes me realize that I certainly do have my weird moments when I'm wrestling with Ti. I do often make an attempt to reach out, it's just a bit awkward to not hear anything back like I'm being a nuisance.
 

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Try asking him the next time you see him. I used to do this quite a lot and still do albeit less frequently. I knew that every 2-3 months or so I would need to disappear. Buy a eurostar ticket on the way to the station and head to Paris, or if I have more money, head to the airport and go to whatever destination my heart sets on. Something in my life that I still can't understand would overwhelm me and I'd just need to drastically change my environment. I still don't get it, but I don't have to. I feel it. I have to go. Give it 2 weeks to a month and I'm back feeling good.

I remember a period in my life where I got into some trouble and had to do community service and I wasn't allowed to leave the country until I finished the hours. It took me nearly a year. I can't begin to describe how sad being trapped in London for 10+ months without break made me feel.

Speak to him about it the next time you see him. If he's like me, there's a high chance that he does a lot of things that don't make sense to him but feel necessary. Maybe you can help him figure it all out.
 

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The issue here might also be expecting an ENFP to be constant. That's always a mistake people make.

We normally have reasons for inconstancy that probably make perfect sense to us but we don't realise doesn't make sense to others. Like others said, ask your ENFP.
 

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You really really really really need to just have zero problems giving an ENFP space if they feel like it- it will actually make your friendship stronger even though that is probably counter-intuitive to you. You shouldn't even feel the need to be curious about it, just accept it.

This part is actually a pretty big part of how highly I rate a friend- my best friends are all people that are very loyal and accessible, but at the same time are very undemanding of me, and don't care too much when I disappear. I may not even feel the need to disappear for a bit, but I know intuitively that if I do, they'll be chill about it.

Seriously- even if you keep asking to hang out when I haven't reciprocated in a while or if I've declined a few times in a row, I'll start to feel like you are being pushy. I realise some people think that is "wrong" or negative in some way, and that's fine for them to think that, but it's really just that simple.

FYI I have completely the same attitude for friends who want to pull away from me for a bit. I would take it 0% personally, and I know they'll be back when they want to. It's all good.
 

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Hey ya'll. I'll keep this short (maybe).

My best friend is an ENFP. We're really tight - we've been friends years, we typically hang out once a week if our schedule permits and it's not uncommon for us to send a few texts back and forth daily; blahblahblah, you get the gist. BUT every once in a while, ENFP completely disappears. Currently, I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. This disappearance isn't the first, he's done it before in the past - I think that time he disappeared for like 6 months.

With that being said, this is not an Ne related disappearance; I experience Ne disappearance firsthand so I know those particular disappearances aren't generally so long. Also, I don't disappear in this manner (because of Fe?) so I have a really hard time comprehending it.

Additionally, I did nothing to provoke this disappearance. Last time we hung out was fine, he even complimented our friendship. Then a few days later, he sent me text asking me to go to a lecture with him. The night we were supposed to go, I sent him a text for details but I heard nothing back from him.

Personally, I find the situation a bit distressing and selfish on his end - it's so rude. But, I miss my friend!!!

Do any of you do this kind of thing? Why? I should send him a text but I don't want to upset him by saying something wrong, what might be the best thing to say?
Humm I can go months without seeing friends. Then I go through months where I hang out with them constantly. I go back and forth between wanting to be social and then wanting to just be at home with my husband. As long as I have my designated "person" with me I can go months without interacting with lots of friends.

Though I've never made plans with someone and not shown up or texted why I didn't show up. I would find that rude if someone did it to me so I've never done it to anyone before. Maybe he's a young immature ENFP? I also NEVER do this to a best friend. Again my bonds with people that I'm best friends with is like solid glue. They will know why I never showed up and I'm very vocal with them about my mood and health.

And as always. Are you sure he's an ENFP? In this case (unlike most post) he does sound like one.

Ultimately you should talk to him. If you point out that you feel he's ignoring you on purpose it might open his eyes. If I'm doing this to a friend, I don't mean to be that way. When someone points it out, I fix the behavior or give a reason why I'm ignoring. I hate conflict (type 2w3), so avoiding someone I've started to dislike has happened. Like a friend who really likes Trump. I avoid her some now because I don't want my Ne mouth to hurt our relationship. If she ever came up to me to ask I would have to tell her the truth.
 

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You really really really really need to just have zero problems giving an ENFP space if they feel like it- it will actually make your friendship stronger even though that is probably counter-intuitive to you. You shouldn't even feel the need to be curious about it, just accept it.

This part is actually a pretty big part of how highly I rate a friend- my best friends are all people that are very loyal and accessible, but at the same time are very undemanding of me, and don't care too much when I disappear. I may not even feel the need to disappear for a bit, but I know intuitively that if I do, they'll be chill about it.

Seriously- even if you keep asking to hang out when I haven't reciprocated in a while or if I've declined a few times in a row, I'll start to feel like you are being pushy. I realise some people think that is "wrong" or negative in some way, and that's fine for them to think that, but it's really just that simple.

FYI I have completely the same attitude for friends who want to pull away from me for a bit. I would take it 0% personally, and I know they'll be back when they want to. It's all good.
I love this post. If I could heart it I would.

 

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Humm I can go months without seeing friends. Then I go through months where I hang out with them constantly. I go back and forth between wanting to be social and then wanting to just be at home with my husband. As long as I have my designated "person" with me I can go months without interacting with lots of friends.

Though I've never made plans with someone and not shown up or texted why I didn't show up. I would find that rude if someone did it to me so I've never done it to anyone before. Maybe he's a young immature ENFP? I also NEVER do this to a best friend. Again my bonds with people that I'm best friends with is like solid glue. They will know why I never showed up and I'm very vocal with them about my mood and health.

And as always. Are you sure he's an ENFP? In this case (unlike most post) he does sound like one.

Ultimately you should talk to him. If you point out that you feel he's ignoring you on purpose it might open his eyes. If I'm doing this to a friend, I don't mean to be that way. When someone points it out, I fix the behavior or give a reason why I'm ignoring. I hate conflict (type 2w3), so avoiding someone I've started to dislike has happened. Like a friend who really likes Trump. I avoid her some now because I don't want my Ne mouth to hurt our relationship. If she ever came up to me to ask I would have to tell her the truth.
Actually now i get it a little. As another (Ne)dom, if thats the case anyway, i tend to shut myself at home some times, or to change the people i hang out others and for some periods i might disappear from my close friends (but not entirely) because i need some change in my life.
So it probably has something to do with hating the daily routine and needing something new to keep the interest for life going.
We cant live well if everything is scheduled so we tend to just follow our mood and do whatever we want to. We need our minds to be free to be creative.
 

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Actually now i get it a little. As another (Ne)dom, if thats the case anyway, i tend to shut myself at home some times, or to change the people i hang out others and for some periods i might disappear from my close friends (but not entirely) because i need some change in my life.
So it probably has something to do with hating the daily routine and needing something new to keep the interest for life going.
We cant live well if everything is scheduled so we tend to just follow our mood and do whatever we want to. We need our minds to be free to be creative.
Exactly. That's why I love @Tridentus 's post. He expressed something I've never noticed. All my closest friends are there in my life because they allow me to be free. They don't put a time limit on how long I can be away from them. I can always return with open arms. I tend to become very stressed if someone tries to regulate my schedule. Even when I do chores I'm all over the place with no plan. lol I get them done but there is no set path I take. I don't think my brain would allow me to just sit still, unless a good book or tv show has me interested in then my Te engages and it's the picture below.





Also this is why diets that have a set time schedule for me to eat fail. lol
 

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Exactly. That's why I love @Tridentus 's post. He expressed something I've never noticed. All my closest friends are there in my life because they allow me to be free. They don't put a time limit on how long I can be away from them. I can always return with open arms. I tend to become very stressed if someone tries to regulate my schedule. Even when I do chores I'm all over the place with no plan. lol I get them done but there is no set path I take. I don't think my brain would allow me to just sit still, unless a good book or tv show has me interested in then my Te engages and it's the picture below.

Also this is why diets that have a set time schedule for me to eat fail. lol
Write down your day's goals from the night before and stick them on your fridge. It kind of works with me lately. They could be from 2 to 5 or 6 goals per day and i get to choose the order i accomplish them by the end of it. At least the outcomes are way better than when i tried to schedule everything. Every night you get to choose a different set of goals by your preference so you wont need to rely on a actual schedule. But that will require thinking every day and having some kind of plan in mind .
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You really really really really need to just have zero problems giving an ENFP space if they feel like it- it will actually make your friendship stronger even though that is probably counter-intuitive to you. You shouldn't even feel the need to be curious about it, just accept it.

This part is actually a pretty big part of how highly I rate a friend- my best friends are all people that are very loyal and accessible, but at the same time are very undemanding of me, and don't care too much when I disappear. I may not even feel the need to disappear for a bit, but I know intuitively that if I do, they'll be chill about it.

Seriously- even if you keep asking to hang out when I haven't reciprocated in a while or if I've declined a few times in a row, I'll start to feel like you are being pushy. I realise some people think that is "wrong" or negative in some way, and that's fine for them to think that, but it's really just that simple.

FYI I have completely the same attitude for friends who want to pull away from me for a bit. I would take it 0% personally, and I know they'll be back when they want to. It's all good.
I'm not badgering him to hang out or anything, nor have I even asked what's wrong/going on. I'm just making an attempt to understand in general.
 

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I do this every now and again, even to my closest friends who I love to bits and would do absolutely anything for. Sometimes we just need our own space and a change of surroundings. I think the people describing it as an Fi thing were pretty spot on. We really value our freedom and sometimes in life that burning desire for change and adventure can be more important than our closest friends (but only for a little while :tongue: )

I don't know if this is the same for every ENFP, but I often get like this with some people if we've been spending a lot of time together and I've been feeling a little trapped. One minute I'm thinking "Wow I'm so lucky to have this person in my life I couldn't imagine life without them" and the next I'm going "Ugh, this is kind of boring. Hey, remember that person who I haven't talked to in yonks? I should hit them up and see how they're going!" Because ENFPs can only handle so many people in their inner circle at one time, I think we have a tendency to rotate people in and out depending on circumstances, and, although I hate to admit it, what mood we're in at the time. I don't think I've ever ignored someone for six months (but who knows, maybe I have without realising it lol), however, once I've gone off on my own or with another friend group for a while I'd always come back to the people I knew I could count on.

I think it might be hard for non-Fi users to understand this, because we really, truly have a lot of love for our closest friends but we demonstrate it in really strange ways. It's not because you've upset us or anything, in fact, it's not your fault at all. We just value our freedom very dearly and being able to be completely inconsistent and flit between friend groups makes us happy. (I guess this is why other types think we're selfish hehe)

As I'm sure you already know, your friend will come back round soon enough and everything will be completely normal (until they get into another one of these moods). I know other people have said it, but honestly, the best thing you can do is just wait for them to come back round. If you bug them now you'll just push them further away. Sorry that we're so inconsistent, and thanks for being such an awesome friend to them in the past. Not everyone is as patient with us as it seems you've been hahahaha. :kitteh:
 

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We just value our freedom very dearly and being able to be completely inconsistent and flit between friend groups makes us happy. (I guess this is why other types think we're selfish hehe)
This is so spot on. I've had to make this clear to everyone I've gotten close to over the years(mostly girlfriends) because at some point people start to look for consistency and that's where I drop it on them, albeit from a different angle. I would rationalise that if I can't be spontaneous and surprise them, the relationship will get boring very very fast. I prefer the angle and wording you used. It cuts through the gloss I put on mine and addresses the matter at it's core. Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts.
 

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Hey ya'll. I'll keep this short (maybe).

My best friend is an ENFP. We're really tight - we've been friends years, we typically hang out once a week if our schedule permits and it's not uncommon for us to send a few texts back and forth daily; blahblahblah, you get the gist. BUT every once in a while, ENFP completely disappears. Currently, I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. This disappearance isn't the first, he's done it before in the past - I think that time he disappeared for like 6 months.

With that being said, this is not an Ne related disappearance; I experience Ne disappearance firsthand so I know those particular disappearances aren't generally so long. Also, I don't disappear in this manner (because of Fe?) so I have a really hard time comprehending it.

Additionally, I did nothing to provoke this disappearance. Last time we hung out was fine, he even complimented our friendship. Then a few days later, he sent me text asking me to go to a lecture with him. The night we were supposed to go, I sent him a text for details but I heard nothing back from him.

Personally, I find the situation a bit distressing and selfish on his end - it's so rude. But, I miss my friend!!!

Do any of you do this kind of thing? Why? I should send him a text but I don't want to upset him by saying something wrong, what might be the best thing to say?

How long have you known him? I have a ENTJ best friend and I may not text her for 4 months but we are still very close.
Also idk how old you are but personally I'm a weee bit immature still and if I'm the one always initiating the texts (which it sounds like he is) I'd get a little butt hurt and be like I'll just do my own thing and that friend can text me for once.

As for not responding, that is quite rude if he made the plans and backed out without any explanation. I may enjoy my freedom but I'm not an asshole. Type is not an excuse to not be considerate of people you enjoy.

My thoughts are to initiate yourself more often and see where that takes you. Even if we are busy I'd think most of us would make some time for friends we consider close but be aware if he doesn't see you this way you might be getting hot cold for a while and you can decide if that's worth it to you.

Not all ENFPs are the same, so take what is said here with a grain of salt. Like I'd never leave a best friend hanging and not eventually text them back. But my love language is also quality of time and I hate flaky people.
 
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