I have been wondering which enneatype craves attention and why?...
Now I consider myself I have been extremely demanding of attention since I was a kid. I confess the word 'extremely' sounds exaggerated, but I have concluded it has always been my main focus and drive. It is not an unquenchable thirst for attention what made me say the word 'extremely', it was because I consider this desire the engine powering my machine.
Here it is. I'm the middle child in a conventional and traditional family, caring, lovely, warm and cozy, and I'm not only the middle one, I'm the only male too. I remember interrupting my mom teaching my little sister to walk singing the national anthem loudly and somewhat desperately. I don't know where this thing started but it has always bothered me. I even consider this post menacing. Yes, both of my parents were lovely and caring, but I don't know if it was me the one wanting more or them giving me more than the amount I needed and maybe it's a little bit too late.
Since I was a kid I have caught myself telling jokes and making people laugh just because I want that attention. Acting silly, making me a clown. It was that way, until someday I realized it was a problem. Shyness, self-consciousness and guilt tormenting me. The correct choice of words to have the correct amount without been rejected or wronged. And then I supressed it, but it was not the right way.
Nobody will ever notice this demon inside of me until they get to know me better. Jelousy and even envy. Sometimes I feel boring and plain, nobody's noticing me and I have nothing to offer. And I admit it's because of this maybe frustrated desire for attention. I transform myself into a black hole. Absorbing and then pushing it or simply vanishing.
I over qualify the depth of my relationships. Fantasizing sometimes tricks me. The worst is that I know it and sometimes I try to avoid it and I supress it again. I withdraw because I feel it's going to harm me or harm others. I never recognized how influential was this pattern in my behaviour, but it is and it does highly.
Sometimes I just want what I do not have. If I see someone having something I do not have I immediately desire it. Instrospection does not help neither. Self-revealing, sometimes I construct myself a bad reputation. Venting this does not help neither. It's like I have to deal with it in silence. My whole life has remained in silence. Sometimes I'm nosy and I want to be everywhere.
Sometimes I play the victim. Sometimes I drain myself out because I recognize this pattern and I want to get away from it but I still want to fulfill it.
And it's funny because I want the attention when I want it and if I don't I behave surly and avoidant. Sometimes I cannot stand answering to questions and being reachable when I want to be by my own. I'm selfish and selfcentered and it's not a good way of behaving.
I have also noticed how much I can talk about something that seems to be true, but without it meaning that is really true. It's distrubing how much I can persuade others to believe what I say about me. I don't want to be a fake, no sir.
I'm looking for that father and that mother that didn't gave the attention I believed I needed and I withdraw when I realize it because I feel I do not deserve it and I still want it. Sometimes I'm just like do not ask me questions, do not let me get anything more
This is where I place my enneagram opinion, but I prefer yours right now. I do not want to fool myself. I don't know what has possesed me. I want to get rid of something I feel I need and I feel it's making me feel happier. I'm like a bee. One sting, one death.
Post-note: I liked how natural I wrote this. No corrections. No anything. Just the words flowing as they feel to do. I'm spanish spoken by the way. Forgive the WTF this guy is writing here
... ahm and ignore the signature and go on I guess
Now I consider myself I have been extremely demanding of attention since I was a kid. I confess the word 'extremely' sounds exaggerated, but I have concluded it has always been my main focus and drive. It is not an unquenchable thirst for attention what made me say the word 'extremely', it was because I consider this desire the engine powering my machine.
Here it is. I'm the middle child in a conventional and traditional family, caring, lovely, warm and cozy, and I'm not only the middle one, I'm the only male too. I remember interrupting my mom teaching my little sister to walk singing the national anthem loudly and somewhat desperately. I don't know where this thing started but it has always bothered me. I even consider this post menacing. Yes, both of my parents were lovely and caring, but I don't know if it was me the one wanting more or them giving me more than the amount I needed and maybe it's a little bit too late.
Since I was a kid I have caught myself telling jokes and making people laugh just because I want that attention. Acting silly, making me a clown. It was that way, until someday I realized it was a problem. Shyness, self-consciousness and guilt tormenting me. The correct choice of words to have the correct amount without been rejected or wronged. And then I supressed it, but it was not the right way.
Nobody will ever notice this demon inside of me until they get to know me better. Jelousy and even envy. Sometimes I feel boring and plain, nobody's noticing me and I have nothing to offer. And I admit it's because of this maybe frustrated desire for attention. I transform myself into a black hole. Absorbing and then pushing it or simply vanishing.
I over qualify the depth of my relationships. Fantasizing sometimes tricks me. The worst is that I know it and sometimes I try to avoid it and I supress it again. I withdraw because I feel it's going to harm me or harm others. I never recognized how influential was this pattern in my behaviour, but it is and it does highly.
Sometimes I just want what I do not have. If I see someone having something I do not have I immediately desire it. Instrospection does not help neither. Self-revealing, sometimes I construct myself a bad reputation. Venting this does not help neither. It's like I have to deal with it in silence. My whole life has remained in silence. Sometimes I'm nosy and I want to be everywhere.
Sometimes I play the victim. Sometimes I drain myself out because I recognize this pattern and I want to get away from it but I still want to fulfill it.
And it's funny because I want the attention when I want it and if I don't I behave surly and avoidant. Sometimes I cannot stand answering to questions and being reachable when I want to be by my own. I'm selfish and selfcentered and it's not a good way of behaving.
I have also noticed how much I can talk about something that seems to be true, but without it meaning that is really true. It's distrubing how much I can persuade others to believe what I say about me. I don't want to be a fake, no sir.
I'm looking for that father and that mother that didn't gave the attention I believed I needed and I withdraw when I realize it because I feel I do not deserve it and I still want it. Sometimes I'm just like do not ask me questions, do not let me get anything more
This is where I place my enneagram opinion, but I prefer yours right now. I do not want to fool myself. I don't know what has possesed me. I want to get rid of something I feel I need and I feel it's making me feel happier. I'm like a bee. One sting, one death.
Post-note: I liked how natural I wrote this. No corrections. No anything. Just the words flowing as they feel to do. I'm spanish spoken by the way. Forgive the WTF this guy is writing here
... ahm and ignore the signature and go on I guess
