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I have been wondering which enneatype craves attention and why?...

Now I consider myself I have been extremely demanding of attention since I was a kid. I confess the word 'extremely' sounds exaggerated, but I have concluded it has always been my main focus and drive. It is not an unquenchable thirst for attention what made me say the word 'extremely', it was because I consider this desire the engine powering my machine.

Here it is. I'm the middle child in a conventional and traditional family, caring, lovely, warm and cozy, and I'm not only the middle one, I'm the only male too. I remember interrupting my mom teaching my little sister to walk singing the national anthem loudly and somewhat desperately. I don't know where this thing started but it has always bothered me. I even consider this post menacing. Yes, both of my parents were lovely and caring, but I don't know if it was me the one wanting more or them giving me more than the amount I needed and maybe it's a little bit too late.

Since I was a kid I have caught myself telling jokes and making people laugh just because I want that attention. Acting silly, making me a clown. It was that way, until someday I realized it was a problem. Shyness, self-consciousness and guilt tormenting me. The correct choice of words to have the correct amount without been rejected or wronged. And then I supressed it, but it was not the right way.

Nobody will ever notice this demon inside of me until they get to know me better. Jelousy and even envy. Sometimes I feel boring and plain, nobody's noticing me and I have nothing to offer. And I admit it's because of this maybe frustrated desire for attention. I transform myself into a black hole. Absorbing and then pushing it or simply vanishing.

I over qualify the depth of my relationships. Fantasizing sometimes tricks me. The worst is that I know it and sometimes I try to avoid it and I supress it again. I withdraw because I feel it's going to harm me or harm others. I never recognized how influential was this pattern in my behaviour, but it is and it does highly.

Sometimes I just want what I do not have. If I see someone having something I do not have I immediately desire it. Instrospection does not help neither. Self-revealing, sometimes I construct myself a bad reputation. Venting this does not help neither. It's like I have to deal with it in silence. My whole life has remained in silence. Sometimes I'm nosy and I want to be everywhere.

Sometimes I play the victim. Sometimes I drain myself out because I recognize this pattern and I want to get away from it but I still want to fulfill it.

And it's funny because I want the attention when I want it and if I don't I behave surly and avoidant. Sometimes I cannot stand answering to questions and being reachable when I want to be by my own. I'm selfish and selfcentered and it's not a good way of behaving.

I have also noticed how much I can talk about something that seems to be true, but without it meaning that is really true. It's distrubing how much I can persuade others to believe what I say about me. I don't want to be a fake, no sir.

I'm looking for that father and that mother that didn't gave the attention I believed I needed and I withdraw when I realize it because I feel I do not deserve it and I still want it. Sometimes I'm just like do not ask me questions, do not let me get anything more

This is where I place my enneagram opinion, but I prefer yours right now. I do not want to fool myself. I don't know what has possesed me. I want to get rid of something I feel I need and I feel it's making me feel happier. I'm like a bee. One sting, one death.

Post-note: I liked how natural I wrote this. No corrections. No anything. Just the words flowing as they feel to do. I'm spanish spoken by the way. Forgive the WTF this guy is writing here o_O... ahm and ignore the signature and go on I guess
 
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