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Hey INFPs or other types that might be married to INFPs.

1. What type did you end up marrying?

2. How long as has it been?

3. Are things good?

4. Are you male or female?

5. Are they male or female?

6. What types were you dating/previously married to?

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end?

8. Last words or advice?

Personally, I've heard in the past many INFPs being married to xSTJs, so I was curious again and wanted to double check. Enneagrams are well appreciated. Thanks in advance.
 

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What a strange title. I did not end up marrying anyone. That to me implies that my choice was happenstance and accidental and there were just so many people who suited me and I fell into marriage with a random person some drunk night in Vegas. In reality, there was just one person who I ever got along with well enough and felt comfortable enough to marry. I know you didn't mean to say it like that but I felt like I needed to make that distinction. I do like the idea of this thread.

1. What type did you end up marrying? I married an INTJ

2. How long as has it been? We have been together 23 years. Not married all of them but married or in a committed relationship with each other for all of them.

3. Are things good?

Some things are good and some things are bad. He is still my best friend and when we are communicating well, it still feels like that. We still communicate well on some occasions. When we are really doing well, it is this continuous conversation that can go anywhere and be anything. It is a constant amazing adventure.

When we are stressed and arguing, it all breaks down and it is like we are speaking two different languages. Our differences communicating are frustrating to both of us. We both work solutions to problems out in our own heads and often come to different conclusions or different ways of solving the problem. We mostly want the same thing but have difficulties in the method of obtaining this thing.

When we fight, we don't really take the time to listen but are both trying to be heard and validated. When we both feel hurt or attacked, it just breaks down.

Sometimes, I get sucked into not wanting admit to being wrong and not wanting to admit that my actions have hurt him. I do this because I have a hard time thinking about myself as wrong. He is also not the quickest person to admit that his actions have hurt me either.

This image is the closest thing I have ever seen that depict what our fights feel like to me emotionally. There is a core part of ourselves that wants to reach out, connect with and take care of the other person but it is sometimes hard to both get to that same part at the same time.



I feel like this post depicts our relationship as constantly fighting and sometimes we are. We are not always fighting and are helping each other and are there for each other quite frequently. We have had wonderful high points in this relationship and horrible low points.
I guess I just wanted to depict a non idealized picture of my marriage. I could have focused on the good and hidden the bad but I think this would contribute to the stereotype of marriage as being all wonderful and rosey all the time.

I don't think that it is because he is an INTJ that we fight. I would fight, disagree and be hurt by any type. And he would probably do the same as well with a different type. It just may be that the format would be a bit different.

4. Are you male or female?
F

5. Are they male or female? M

6. What types were you dating/previously married to? Never been previously married. Don't know the types I dated.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end?
I just felt things lacking in my previous relationships. There was something missing that I couldn't put my finger on. I was seeking this elusive thing and I never connected with it in anyone else. When I met my husband, it was like I had been lost, found my home and where I belonged with a person. I still feel this way about him.

8. Last words or advice?

You will never be able to fully imagine who the person you will marry is until you meet them. They will be so different and bring so many things that you never dreamed possible to the relationship.

I am very interested to hear about how other INFP marriages are.
 

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I know there are other married INFPs besides me on here. I am very curious as to what works and what doesn't with different types. The married INFPs I can think of on here are not married to INTJs but other types. What works and what are the challenges of these pairings?

I would also be very interested to see how other types who are married to INFPs respond to the questions.
 

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1. What type did you end up marrying? I married an INFJ

2. How long as has it been? We were together for 23 years, married for a bit over half that span.

3. Are things good? Not at all, we're in the process of divorcing.

4. Are you male or female? Male

5. Are they male or female? Female

6. What types were you dating/previously married to? No idea whatsoever.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end? It's hard to say really, she broke up with me, accused me of emotional cruelty, but I and everyone else who knew us just don't see it. I suspect its a cover for her real reasons, or a justification for her actions but I'm unsure what those are. It may have a lot to do with the fact that stopped taking her thyroid meds which has caused her to become manic and deeply depressed, but that's just a guess.

8. Last words or advice? Don't make marriage a goal, but rather the natural outgrowth of a happy relationship. When you're with someone, be with them in spirit as well as physically, be truly present. When you love someone make sure they know how you feel, tell them, show them, you never know what may happen, and while I've regretted missing opportunities I've never regretted taking advantage of them.
 

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I'm way too young. The person I love and want to marry but unfortunately is taken and doesn't reciprocate is also an INFP.

I'm sure it's all dumb, youthful idealism though...
 

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Why have Hank Venture as your avatar if you're going to disable your visitor messages and not let me spam you with Venture Bros quotes!
 
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Ooh gosh, I'm very curious to hear about other INFP's responses too! One thing that I really love about this forum I think, is how different everyone is from each other—no two INFPs are the same, everyone is so unique in their thoughts and likes, it's really difficult to group you all together, in my opinion~ :tongue:

Meyers-Briggs herself was married to an ISTJ, wasn't she?? I remember even reading that she said that if she knew of his type, she wouldn't have married him in the first place;;


I've been with my INFP for four years now, long-distance and now living together. I wish I could answer these questions, but we aren't married, and he doesn't really wish to. My INFP in particular sees marriage as a social construct, and doesn't want to get married because "we have to". He says he's very happy with the situation we are in right now, and wouldn't mind at all being boyfriend-girlfriend even when we grow up old and wrinkly. He doesn't like the thought of opening up around others with wedding vows, nor that it's something people in healthy relationships "should" do. He says we can be together forever without having any papers or tacky jewelry validate our feelings for one another, it shouldn't matter to anyone else.

(But as a very traditional and emotional ISFJ, it does sadden me a little to think about;; :blushed: )
 

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1. 6w5 INTP

2. 1 year married, 4 1/2 years together

3. Pretty good. There are some stressors (many of which are external to the relationship) and every couple has some problems and recurring disagreements. But overall I would say there's a lot more good than bad. We understand each other on a deep level, we never run out of things to talk about, we have so much fun together, we care about each other deeply, we compromise, and we make an effort to improve on our flaws. We are truly best friends who finish each others' sentences and can tell what the other person is thinking about just by looking at them and have an entire language of in-jokes. I have not had this level of connection with anyone else ever.

4. Female

5. Male

6. First boyfriend was 5w6 INTP, second boyfriend was 7w8 ESFJ, the rest were just hookups.

7. First boyfriend ghosted me after a month of dating, which really sucked especially in my first relationship. I'm still not sure why exactly he did this but my guess is he realized he didn't want a serious relationship in freshman year of college and was too much of a pussy to break up with me. He contacted me to try to apologize a year later but still never gave a reason and I pretty much told him to fuck off. Second boyfriend was textbook NPD and emotionally abusive. He did things like tell me that he needed to contact his ex (that he dated for a few months, five years previously) one last time "for closure" if we ever "got serious," and create a fake dating profile with my information and then confront me with it as evidence of cheating. He lied so much that he would do like an Inception of lies where he would be like "I lied when I said X, the truth is Y!" and then a bit later he would be like "I lied when I said Y, the truth is Z!" Basically that whole relationship was a waste of my time and only happened because I had no self-esteem and thought nobody else would ever date me. It was on and off the whole year it lasted but eventually after he betrayed me one last time I dumped him and got together with my husband three days later.

8. I don't know if I'm really qualified to give advice. I ended up in my current relationship mostly out of luck and I made a ton of mistakes, including some horrible ones. I guess one piece of advice is to never close your heart off. I see some people out there, especially INFPs, who get their heart broken once and never want to be in a relationship again, or who never want to risk having their heart broken in the first place. That's a sad way to live. Also cherish every second you have with your significant other and make every second special as much as possible. I sound like a Hallmark card LOL. Having fun together is the most important thing you can do to keep your relationship happy. And lastly, remember than if your significant other has some flaws, they most likely will have some variation of the same flaws forever and will not change much, so be prepared to live with it.
 

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Why have Hank Venture as your avatar if you're going to disable your visitor messages and not let me spam you with Venture Bros quotes!
Thanks for bringing it to my attention, I honestly don't know since I have the setting on to let anyone who's a member send me stuff.

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I'm way too young. The person I love and want to marry but unfortunately is taken and doesn't reciprocate is also an INFP.

I'm sure it's all dumb, youthful idealism though...
Little INFP bro, don't you worry. If you are an INFP, your love life is likely going to be a roller coaster. So strap in, you got plenty of time. There's a lot of awesome people out there, ones you can't even imagine and I think that says something with our vast imagination.

Ooh gosh, I'm very curious to hear about other INFP's responses too! One thing that I really love about this forum I think, is how different everyone is from each other—no two INFPs are the same, everyone is so unique in their thoughts and likes, it's really difficult to group you all together, in my opinion~ :tongue:

Meyers-Briggs herself was married to an ISTJ, wasn't she?? I remember even reading that she said that if she knew of his type, she wouldn't have married him in the first place;;


I've been with my INFP for four years now, long-distance and now living together. I wish I could answer these questions, but we aren't married, and he doesn't really wish to. My INFP in particular sees marriage as a social construct, and doesn't want to get married because "we have to". He says he's very happy with the situation we are in right now, and wouldn't mind at all being boyfriend-girlfriend even when we grow up old and wrinkly. He doesn't like the thought of opening up around others with wedding vows, nor that it's something people in healthy relationships "should" do. He says we can be together forever without having any papers or tacky jewelry validate our feelings for one another, it shouldn't matter to anyone else.

(But as a very traditional and emotional ISFJ, it does sadden me a little to think about;; :blushed: )
Disclaimer: Don't sell your love short.
I had to say marriage because if I said dating, everybody and their grandmas would be up in this place telling us INFPs how sexy we are and then break up with their partner a week later. I heard hearsay about Myers-Briggs, I never fact checked that. Honestly, I have similar feelings like your INFP as well. Sometimes I feel this way, like I don't want to get married because it only seems to add a complication to things. Personally, I wouldn't want my significant other taking offense to that though, because it's just a lifestyle choice if I decide to go this route.
 

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We are truly best friends who finish each others' sentences and can tell what the other person is thinking about just by looking at them and have an entire language of in-jokes. I have not had this level of connection with anyone else ever.
I wonder how many of us were lucky enough to marry our best friend? I am so glad you were able to find your best friend. I am a horrible romantic and secretly wish this for so many people. It seems like when I am reading about what dating INFPs are looking for this is it even though it is not always put into these exact words. I might be projecting though.

8. I don't know if I'm really qualified to give advice. I ended up in my current relationship mostly out of luck and I made a ton of mistakes, including some horrible ones. I guess one piece of advice is to never close your heart off. I see some people out there, especially INFPs, who get their heart broken once and never want to be in a relationship again, or who never want to risk having their heart broken in the first place. That's a sad way to live. Also cherish every second you have with your significant other and make every second special as much as possible. I sound like a Hallmark card LOL. Having fun together is the most important thing you can do to keep your relationship happy. And lastly, remember than if your significant other has some flaws, they most likely will have some variation of the same flaws forever and will not change much, so be prepared to live with it.
I would have to agree with feeling like I ended up with my husband by luck. I sort of felt like that and also the feeling of how did I not fuck this good thing in my life up.

I am also glad that you brought up the idea of INFPs who get their heart broken and then don't want to get hurt again or afraid to try out relationships for fear of getting hurt.
I think that for me, the people I dated before meeting my husband I was going into the relationships looking for glitter and rainbows and things that just weren't there. I had some really idealized views of dating and what I wanted my relationship to look like so I made mistakes. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship idealizing the other person to the degree that I did. But it was those mistakes that helped me realize and appreciate just how much I did belong with my husband when we met. If I would have dated him first, I am not sure I would have been able to appreciate certain aspects of him. I do think that my dating other people, hurting them and being hurt by them made me realize how much I did want to be with my husband and not some dream guy I made up and projected on a real person. I guess this is mostly hindsight and I am not sure how much I actually realized at the time.

@music box We weren't going to get married when we were young either, we didn't need to. When we got older, we did decide to get married because our priorities changed and we mellowed on that stance. Even if we hadn't gotten married, I would still feel the same about him. It didn't change the way we feel about each other.
 

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I wonder how many of us were lucky enough to marry our best friend? I am so glad you were able to find your best friend. I am a horrible romantic and secretly wish this for so many people. It seems like when I am reading about what dating INFPs are looking for this is it even though it is not always put into these exact words. I might be projecting though.
I don't think its projecting, well... at least not for me. That's really all I'm searching for, been searching for :/ and will continue to do so until I find my best friend.
 

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This is an interesting one... I asked my wife to take the quiz and, go figure, she seems to be a polar opposite from me.

1. What type did you end up marrying? She's an ESFJ. We have absolutely no letter in common, lol.

2. How long as has it been? Together 15 years, married 12.

3. Are things good? For the most part. Having kids makes it as stressful as it is rewarding. I have real difficulty processing the chaos that is inherent in rearing kids. We're better teammates than soul mates, really. As you can imagine, we have difficulty relating to one another on many emotional levels, but we have enough in common to make it work, even if neither of us is truly fulfilled.

4. Are you male or female? Male

5. Are they male or female? Female

6. What types were you dating/previously married to? Not really sure what type is would be, but a very assertive, social person in college.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end? Ultimately, I fell into what I felt was a very intimate mental connection that turned out to be filling a spot in her social calendar. When I couldn't keep up with that, we parted ways.

8. Last words or advice? You're in life for your own fulfillment. You can't depend on any other person to do that for you. Once you process that and take responsibility for it, you can be independent. Independence makes you better able to fulfill others' needs, and try to glean some joy to attend to your own.
 

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Tritype 945.

1. What type did you end up marrying? INFJ 1w2

2. How long as has it been? 20 years. 2 dating, 18 married. 4 kids and I'm 36.

3. Are things good? As good as they can be between our two types. I think the differences have been flushed out with the latest threads. We don't totally understand each other but we have been understanding of that. We give each other time to sort things out which is very helpful. Some of that may be the silent treatment but it appears the same. Growing up together has probably been fairly beneficial.

4. Are you male or female? Male.

5. Are they male or female? Female.

6. What types were you dating/previously married to? No idea.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end? N/A.

8. Last words or advice? Understanding. Compromise/balance. Trust. Sex, cuddling and kisses. Not necessarily in that order.
 

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1. What type did you end up marrying?
ENFJ

2. How long as has it been?
Married for 4 years, dated for 2 years before that.

3. Are things good?
Very. Our marrige is the best thing in each others' lives.

4. Are you male or female?

5. Are they male or female?

I'm a dude, she's a lady.

6. What types were you dating/previously married to?

Not sure on all, but I dated an ESFJ once.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end?

She left me: but we're good friends now. It wasn't going to be a good fit; we're too different of people.

8. Last words or advice?

You're my older brother and I love you. But don't take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.

;)
 

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1. What type did you end up marrying?

I married an ISFP

2. How long as has it been?

We have been together for 8 years, married 6.

3. Are things good?

Things are good for the most part. We have the usual issues here and there related to communication and how we process events around us. Also, the usual problems associated with raising young children (limited opportunities for intimacy, limited alone time, etc.) with a limited income (INFPs and ISFPs typically don’t make a lot of money, we are no exception). When we have trouble communicating, both of us being dominant Fi users prevents a lot of the petty stuff I see with other relationship pairings. We also completely allow the other person their personal space. This is big for both of us. She is really not interested in deep philosophical conversations so I need to get that from other sources. I have an ENTP and an ENFP group of friends that I meet up with weekly to have these types of conversations. Occasionally an INTP friend as well (when he isn’t MIA for months upon end). She gets her happiness from being artsy and creative with interior design, photography, and painting, which she does with her alone time. She is quirky and independent. I need quirkiness. I need a partner in crime as oddballs. Things so far are good because we respect each other, allow each other to have our own space, and share the same life goals. I know this could easily break down in the future as we get older, but so far so good.

4. Are you male or female?

Male

5. Are they male or female?

Female

6. What types were you dating/previously married to?

Since I didn’t get married until my early 30s, I have dated almost every type. The most serious relationships were with an ESTP, an ISTP, and an INFJ.

7. Why did you leave them for your current spouse/why did it end?

I actually had a lot of fun with the ISTP and ESTP relationships right until the end. They were able to connect on a physical level like almost no other type (xSFPs are good at this as well). But the end of these relationships happened suddenly and the circumstances for both made it clear that the relationship could not go on. The ESTP chewed me up and spit me out. She liked to party and really didn’t understand when I didn’t really like doing the same. During the final few months of the relationship, I thought she was abusive, inconsiderate, deceitful, and irresponsible. Looking back, it was just the case of two types looking at the same situation through different lenses. I was needy, with no self-confidence, and especially whiny. This was an important relationship in giving me the confidence to stand up for myself and to understand that compatibility is an essential part of a healthy relationship, not just beauty.

The ISTP, on the other hand, had her heart broken by me. She was fun and made herself emotionally vulnerable to me in a way that most STPs can’t. We were talking marriage when I just had the realization that I needed something else in a relationship. We didn’t really have the same goals, outside of wanting a family. She needed someone to give her security. Someone to balance out her chaotic way of living life (chaotic in her approach, not chaotic in terms of making poor decisions. She was a risk taker and was good at it). I wasn’t interested in a career that would provide financial security. She pushed me to go that route. She did have moments of uncontrolled anger that was little worrisome. This is the excuse I used, suddenly, to end the relationship.

The INFJ relationship was kept afloat way too long by what I thought of as the potential, and what she thought of as the potential. But we were on different wavelengths on almost everything. My personal “selfish” reasons for things were minimized by her while she was too focused on the greater good. We couldn’t really get past this. She was also passive aggressively bossy. She was a good person; we just weren’t compatible.

The INFPs I dated were great. The conversations we had were some of the best. There just was never a physical connection. I’ve dated some great SJs, but ultimately I found them too conventional. XSFJs really tried to understand me. They are really sweet. But I needed some quirkiness. NTs were interesting but I always felt they were looking for a more dominantly opinionated man who was intellectually equal to them.

8. Last words or advice?

My words of advice for INFPs would be to not get discouraged by your relative discomfort with relationships. Don’t be discouraged by your lack of relationship experience. I think INFPs are late bloomers. It’ll come. But don’t deny yourself opportunities to date due to feeling this way. Also, don’t discount SPs as possible partners (especially xSFPs). They are tolerant of our own quirkiness and indecision. They can help you live in the moment. They are also able to better handle the more practical matters in life (like raising children. I’ll be a better father once they are able to have adult conversations. But I am terrible with little children).
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I love the answers guys, keep them coming! Honestly, this thread is putting things into perspective for me more than other relationship threads have ever done.
@Kappa, mind if I message you? I relate quite a bit with your experiences and we're probably close in age. I love that you're pretty much the first guy I've seen talking about dating an ESTP female. I've only ever seen mentions of female INFPs dating ESTP males. I'm pretty curious about it since I've also dated an ESTP and I had a similar experience too.
 

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