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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A few weeks ago I asked for help trying to translate the words/actions of a woman I was seeing at the time and I got some pretty good responses. Now I'm having a hell of a time getting a read on a new woman and I'm looking for the same help.

About a week-and-a-half ago I met a woman who is a classmate of a friend of mine (both are in their mid-late 20's working on their doctorates). I thought she was very attractive and we had good conversation for a hour or two before my friends wanted to leave. I invited her and her friend to a party that was happening the next night. She said that she would love to come, but that she had another party to go to that night. She said she expected it to be boring and end early so she would try to come to my friend's party afterward. She gave me her number and told me to text her the details the next day.

The next night I sent her the address to the party. We chatted via text off and on throughout the night until finally at 2:30 she said that her party was still going strong and that she didn't have a ride to where we were.

Two days later I tried calling her, but she didn't answer, so rather than leave a voice mail I sent her a text saying that it was too bad we couldn't meet up at the party and I asked is she was interested in trying to do something that week. A couple of hours later she replied saying that she was sorry, but really busy working on doctoral stuff that was due that week, but that she wanted to meet up on Thursday if I was ok with that. I agreed.

On Thursday afternoon she texted me to say that she got a call about a part-time job she applied for and they wanted her to come in for a "working interview" that night, so she said she was sorry, but she'd have to postpone things. She did tell me to come in where her interview was to have a beer, and said that she might try to meet me out after she was finished. I decided that it would be weird to go in there while she was "interviewing" so I ended up just meeting a few friends out instead. A few hours later she texted me again to tell me that she was finished with the interview, but was really tired and felt like going home to sleep. She asked if I "was going to hate her if she rescheduled". I told her it was not a big deal, but honestly I was kind of feeling like I might be getting blown off. She then said that she was probably going out of town this past weekend to see her family, but that if she didn't she would let me know and we'd get together on Saturday.

I didn't hear anything from her at all this weekend (I didn't contact her either), so I'm assuming she did go out of town. Either that, or she just isn't that interested.

Should I even bother contacting her again? Normally I'd write this off as a lack of interest on her part, but the fact that she has been so apologetic about "postponing" and "rescheduling" things makes me think that maybe she is sincere about that. I'm just wondering what the fairer sex thinks about this situation.
 

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My guess is that she really is sincere, but you aren't a priority to her right now. She is, after all, looking for a job and working on her doctorate, so fitting you into her schedule might generally be a hassle. And her other social connections may be more important to her than trying to make a new one. I'd recommend trying her again once. If the next date you make falls through, you could safely assume she doesn't have time or energy for you, so you shouldn't continue to waste yours. Again, this is most likely not an intentional brush-off, just someone stretched too thin, despite whatever her interest level in you may be. Hope this helps.

Also, I'd suggest not referring to "female-speak." Just think of it as "visiting someone else's intentions" - that way, you can ask for help about anyone in your life, not just the ladies. :)
 

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... write it off. Actually, no. Rethink how you communicate.

Let's leave the dating scene and imagine a similar interaction. For hypothetical purposes, between you and I and we're playing a similar cat and mouse game because for some peculiar reason we can't connect for a beer. I'm really busy with my life and this you're calling me; you seem cool enough but you're really eager to please and accommodate my every whim. Would it be rational to infer that you might have an ulterior motive?

Exit me, enter cute classmate. She's also checking that you might just want something from her and nothing else, meaning sex. She's also checking whether you can stand up for what is rightfully yours, namely your time. If she's in anyway manipulative, she might be testing the waters to see what she can get away with. Being flexible and understanding is great, but, you need to communicate your personal value as well.

My suggestion is to invite her out where she has to come to you. Like a coffee shop near your house. You don't want to be in a relationship where it's you making all the effort.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the replies. I kind of decided last night that I wasn't going to pursue her anymore for now unless she calls me. I'm moving in a couple of weeks and I can literally walk out of my new backdoor and throw a rock at the restaurant/microbrewery where she just got a part-time job. It's almost inevitable that I'll run into her there. When that happens I'll see what she says and react to that.

Really, I know that this whole thing is trivial, but I'm recently back into the dating scene after a 15-year relationship. It's crazy to me how different things seem to be from when I was last single and dating (freshman year of college). Women now seem to be a lot more clandestine which isn't my style at all. I'm usually pretty forthcoming and I appreciate that from others. As a result I know I've already made a few incorrect reads with women over the last several months. Maybe I'm just going after the wrong women.

Either way, thanks for the advice.
 

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@OtisPB

Nowadays, I wouldn't touch a lot of women with a 100ft pole... :dry:

I'm out of the dating scene but I've seen the changes occurring when I go out. Let me just tell you that the moment you see a pair of 50+ women basically having sex in the middle of the PUB* for all to see (and sitting right next to me, no less), you know something has gone bad...

And no, I'm not talking about excessive PDA, like some french kissing going nuts or so... I'm talking about shirts half unbuttoned, places rubbing on legs and hands all over and more... IN A PUB*!


*Pub = Bar for US peeps.
 

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She is insufficiently horny for you - if she really had the hots for you she'd move heaven and earth to get together with you, rather than putting her own stuff as a higher priority. Basically it sounds like you've been turned into a friend, rather than a potential romantic/sexual interest.

Questions that might help clarify why:

* during the 1 hour talk, did you ever indicate to her that you were romantically/sexually interested? (ie did you ask her if she was single within the first 5-10 minutes? because that is an unmistakeable signal of romantic/sexual interest)

* why did you invite her friend to the party? (IMO inviting her friend as well is a signal of interest in a friendship/being friendly, rather than romantic/sexual interest)

Regarding trying to get back to her, I don't see much point at this time. Just ignore her and do your regular stuff, if a meeting happens organically again in a couple of months then you might get another chance to make the kind of impression that you want. Just don't chase her tail, that tends to put a lot of women off: it signals neediness and women don't like that much, it comes across as a bit creepy.

Just a couple thoughts. Haven't read the other posts, this is just what struck me overall.

A few weeks ago I asked for help trying to translate the words/actions of a woman I was seeing at the time and I got some pretty good responses. Now I'm having a hell of a time getting a read on a new woman and I'm looking for the same help.

About a week-and-a-half ago I met a woman who is a classmate of a friend of mine (both are in their mid-late 20's working on their doctorates). I thought she was very attractive and we had good conversation for a hour or two before my friends wanted to leave. I invited her and her friend to a party that was happening the next night. She said that she would love to come, but that she had another party to go to that night. She said she expected it to be boring and end early so she would try to come to my friend's party afterward. She gave me her number and told me to text her the details the next day.

The next night I sent her the address to the party. We chatted via text off and on throughout the night until finally at 2:30 she said that her party was still going strong and that she didn't have a ride to where we were.

Two days later I tried calling her, but she didn't answer, so rather than leave a voice mail I sent her a text saying that it was too bad we couldn't meet up at the party and I asked is she was interested in trying to do something that week. A couple of hours later she replied saying that she was sorry, but really busy working on doctoral stuff that was due that week, but that she wanted to meet up on Thursday if I was ok with that. I agreed.

On Thursday afternoon she texted me to say that she got a call about a part-time job she applied for and they wanted her to come in for a "working interview" that night, so she said she was sorry, but she'd have to postpone things. She did tell me to come in where her interview was to have a beer, and said that she might try to meet me out after she was finished. I decided that it would be weird to go in there while she was "interviewing" so I ended up just meeting a few friends out instead. A few hours later she texted me again to tell me that she was finished with the interview, but was really tired and felt like going home to sleep. She asked if I "was going to hate her if she rescheduled". I told her it was not a big deal, but honestly I was kind of feeling like I might be getting blown off. She then said that she was probably going out of town this past weekend to see her family, but that if she didn't she would let me know and we'd get together on Saturday.

I didn't hear anything from her at all this weekend (I didn't contact her either), so I'm assuming she did go out of town. Either that, or she just isn't that interested.

Should I even bother contacting her again? Normally I'd write this off as a lack of interest on her part, but the fact that she has been so apologetic about "postponing" and "rescheduling" things makes me think that maybe she is sincere about that. I'm just wondering what the fairer sex thinks about this situation.
 

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@OtisPB

Nowadays, I wouldn't touch a lot of women with a 100ft pole... :dry:

I'm out of the dating scene but I've seen the changes occurring when I go out. Let me just tell you that the moment you see a pair of 50+ women basically having sex in the middle of the PUB* for all to see (and sitting right next to me, no less), you know something has gone bad...

And no, I'm not talking about excessive PDA, like some french kissing going nuts or so... I'm talking about shirts half unbuttoned, places rubbing on legs and hands all over and more... IN A PUB*!


*Pub = Bar for US peeps.
There was a case where a lesbian pair got kicked out of a bar and they declared it was discrimination.
The journalists were initially all over it, but when the bar showed the journalists the CTV footage from that night, they dropped it like a hot potato.
 

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As a general rule, if a woman wants to spend time with you, she will find the time to spend time with you. If she repeatedly blows you off, you're simply not terribly important to her.
 
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There was a case where a lesbian pair got kicked out of a bar and they declared it was discrimination.
The journalists were initially all over it, but when the bar showed the journalists the CTV footage from that night, they dropped it like a hot potato.
It's not the first time LGBT couples get thrown out due to excessive PDA and won't be the last... (and won't be the last time they cry discrimination over it...) but that's another story for another thread.
 

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i feel like ive heard this exact thing before somewhere lol
I use it as a test, I may ask a woman to hang out, or text her, if she declines my invitation to hang out, or ends the text convo quickly, I write her off. In actual conversation, if she stares off somewhere, looks bored, isn't carrying her side of the conversation etc, I write her off. Her loss, but I'm not investing my time in a venture without a decent ROI.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Questions that might help clarify why:

* during the 1 hour talk, did you ever indicate to her that you were romantically/sexually interested? (ie did you ask her if she was single within the first 5-10 minutes? because that is an unmistakeable signal of romantic/sexual interest)
I didn't come right out and say "I'm romantically interested in you.", but I did enough to convey that message. I flirted, payed compliments and initiated physical contact. At one point her hair had kind of fallen down in front of one of her eyes and without thinking I brushed it back. I realized that might have come off as being sort of creepy so I apologized, but she said that she liked it. To me the flirting seemed mutual.

I didn't directly ask if she was single, because during the course of introductions she asked where I went to high school and college. She volunteered that she had recently broken up with a guy that I graduated from high school with.

* why did you invite her friend to the party? (IMO inviting her friend as well is a signal of interest in a friendship/being friendly, rather than romantic/sexual interest)
She and her friend were out together that night. My buddy (the one hosting the party the next night) was flirting/talking to her friend while I was talking to her. It just made sense to invite them both.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Did you notice that you weren't in control for a single instant? You never had the initiative, she had. Now why is that?
I'm not exactly sure what you are getting at. I assume that you are insinuating that she was playing games? Would you mind clarifying?

I'd slightly disagree with the notion that I never had "control" though. I did elect not to visit her at the brewpub during her "working interview". Maybe this was a disappointment to her. Who knows? All I know is that at this point I'm not planning on contacting her. If through some serendipitous event our paths cross again (considering that once I move she will have a part time job about 200 ft. from my new house and that she will live about 4 blocks away it wouldn't have to be that serendipitous) I'll see what's up, but I'm not losing sleep over things.

I was just finding it odd that she seemed interested the night we met and in conversations we had the next week, but that it died out. Que sera, sera.
 

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I use it as a test, I may ask a woman to hang out, or text her, if she declines my invitation to hang out, or ends the text convo quickly, I write her off. In actual conversation, if she stares off somewhere, looks bored, isn't carrying her side of the conversation etc, I write her off. Her loss, but I'm not investing my time in a venture without a decent ROI.
Makes sense. Personally, I'd keep playing with them if they're fun. Unlikely that I would write 'em off in a way that they'd know they're being written off. That could ruin future possibilities.
 
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