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The title is probably slightly misleading. A bit of this post going to sound like a, "Oh, you're having a romantic-interest-relationship-problem." Well, not really... there's something else.

So, I am aware of who I want to be. That vision may change as I grow up. It does get tweaked every year. The person I want to be is a more perfect version of myself. Anyone relate? O_O I am aware of my weak points. Moving on.

It's just that in the last year or so, I have met somebody who is similar to me, yet different. (Here comes the, 'oh, romantic issue part'. Bear with me. X_X) Well, yes, he's interesting and I definitely want to know more about him and I will admit to liking him. Moving on. But something interesting is happening here:

This person is everything I want to be. It's as though somebody has taken the vision of what I want to be and placed it in front of me. And that's where the problem begins. Because now I feel extremely guilty. I, sort of selfishly, kind of envy that he has these qualities that I struggle with to grasp. I feel like an undeserving idiot in front of him. So there's a strange mix of, "This person is interesting and I'd like to get to know him--" and "Wow. This person is so much better than me. 1) I feel like an idiot and 2) I feel undeserving."

It's actually kind of hurtful. I like being this person's friend now. It's great. But the fact that we're similar yet he is this "what I want to be figure" is making me feel guilty. Does this sound odd or what? Sometimes I feel like that with my other friends as well. More so this time.

I had this dream (this relates, I promise! even though it's weird @[email protected]) that he appeared in front of me. He asked why I was acting a certain way, or something. And I, to answer him, said, "Say we hold hands and run together--" so we did (weird, I know). He ran faster than me and I ended up slowing him down because we were holding hands. "--You will run faster than me," I said. "And that makes me feel guilty."

Even in my dreams. x3 I honestly wonder what is going on... another self discovery for sure. And some teenage problems. And coming of age. And I don't know. -headdesk- But... can anyone relate? At all?
 

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I have had friends that I was only friends with because they embodied the qualities I wanted. Or they were a nice prototype of who I wanted to be friends with. Unfortunately that's all they were.

And then there were the people that I really liked because they were them, and they had the qualities I wanted. One of those people became a good friend on a deep level, and he could already sense my weaknesses. I was honest with him, on my own time, of what exactly those weaknesses are. I told him and he was like, "I figured. :)" He helped strengthen me in those areas. He tells me he's proud of me and that means the world to me. It just kind of melts the guilt away.

And believe it or not, I helped him with some things too. Even when it appears that someone is superior behavior wise, the "superior" person can always, always learn from the other person. And the amusing thing is, they can only learn those lessons from someone who has worse behavior than themselves.
 

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The title is probably slightly misleading. A bit of this post going to sound like a, "Oh, you're having a romantic-interest-relationship-problem." Well, not really... there's something else.

So, I am aware of who I want to be. That vision may change as I grow up. It does get tweaked every year. The person I want to be is a more perfect version of myself. Anyone relate? O_O I am aware of my weak points. Moving on.

It's just that in the last year or so, I have met somebody who is similar to me, yet different. (Here comes the, 'oh, romantic issue part'. Bear with me. X_X) Well, yes, he's interesting and I definitely want to know more about him and I will admit to liking him. Moving on. But something interesting is happening here:

This person is everything I want to be. It's as though somebody has taken the vision of what I want to be and placed it in front of me. And that's where the problem begins. Because now I feel extremely guilty. I, sort of selfishly, kind of envy that he has these qualities that I struggle with to grasp. I feel like an undeserving idiot in front of him. So there's a strange mix of, "This person is interesting and I'd like to get to know him--" and "Wow. This person is so much better than me. 1) I feel like an idiot and 2) I feel undeserving."

It's actually kind of hurtful. I like being this person's friend now. It's great. But the fact that we're similar yet he is this "what I want to be figure" is making me feel guilty. Does this sound odd or what? Sometimes I feel like that with my other friends as well. More so this time.

Even in my dreams. x3 I honestly wonder what is going on... another self discovery for sure. And some teenage problems. And coming of age. And I don't know. -headdesk- But... can anyone relate? At all?
You know, this is a very VERY mutual feeling. To some extent, I find my dreams awkward.. I take relationships very seriously, and I always expect for someone better so that he can improve me in every way.Which teens around my age doesn't think at all, at least here on my school and my nearby schools. There are two divisions- some people thinks falling in love at this age is harmful, the second group thinks having gf/bfs is a fashion, and it proves your 'coolness'. And I fall neither in these categories, and that's why I'm considered as 'insane'. Though, that doesn't bother me anymore. lol
 

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But... can anyone relate? At all?
I can relate to the part of wishing I was as talented as some of my friends in certain area's, but I've never wanted to be them - maybe I've never had a friend like yours. I think it's alright to envy someone a bit for their skills, as long as it doesn't become some kind of obsession, I suppose. You're still you and you can hone your skills over time ^^

I'm pretty inept at remembering my dreams ^^; I find it really interesting to hear yours! Your dream seems to suggest you might feel like you're slowing him down, which is 'part 2' of making you feel guilty (part 1: envious of his skill)? However, you didn't mention whether you really do feel like that or not. I can't really tell, but I have this hunch that you aren't slowing him down - you may fear that you might slow him down at some point. But yah, it doesn't seem like your friendship is like that.

I don't know how young you are, but I think you should just enjoy hanging around with someone whom you like and admire ^^ You're too young to feel guilty about this all. Actually, anybody shouldn't feel guilty for this. :)
 
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