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The title is probably slightly misleading. A bit of this post going to sound like a, "Oh, you're having a romantic-interest-relationship-problem." Well, not really... there's something else.
So, I am aware of who I want to be. That vision may change as I grow up. It does get tweaked every year. The person I want to be is a more perfect version of myself. Anyone relate? O_O I am aware of my weak points. Moving on.
It's just that in the last year or so, I have met somebody who is similar to me, yet different. (Here comes the, 'oh, romantic issue part'. Bear with me. X_X) Well, yes, he's interesting and I definitely want to know more about him and I will admit to liking him. Moving on. But something interesting is happening here:
This person is everything I want to be. It's as though somebody has taken the vision of what I want to be and placed it in front of me. And that's where the problem begins. Because now I feel extremely guilty. I, sort of selfishly, kind of envy that he has these qualities that I struggle with to grasp. I feel like an undeserving idiot in front of him. So there's a strange mix of, "This person is interesting and I'd like to get to know him--" and "Wow. This person is so much better than me. 1) I feel like an idiot and 2) I feel undeserving."
It's actually kind of hurtful. I like being this person's friend now. It's great. But the fact that we're similar yet he is this "what I want to be figure" is making me feel guilty. Does this sound odd or what? Sometimes I feel like that with my other friends as well. More so this time.
I had this dream (this relates, I promise! even though it's weird @[email protected]) that he appeared in front of me. He asked why I was acting a certain way, or something. And I, to answer him, said, "Say we hold hands and run together--" so we did (weird, I know). He ran faster than me and I ended up slowing him down because we were holding hands. "--You will run faster than me," I said. "And that makes me feel guilty."
Even in my dreams. x3 I honestly wonder what is going on... another self discovery for sure. And some teenage problems. And coming of age. And I don't know. -headdesk- But... can anyone relate? At all?
So, I am aware of who I want to be. That vision may change as I grow up. It does get tweaked every year. The person I want to be is a more perfect version of myself. Anyone relate? O_O I am aware of my weak points. Moving on.
It's just that in the last year or so, I have met somebody who is similar to me, yet different. (Here comes the, 'oh, romantic issue part'. Bear with me. X_X) Well, yes, he's interesting and I definitely want to know more about him and I will admit to liking him. Moving on. But something interesting is happening here:
This person is everything I want to be. It's as though somebody has taken the vision of what I want to be and placed it in front of me. And that's where the problem begins. Because now I feel extremely guilty. I, sort of selfishly, kind of envy that he has these qualities that I struggle with to grasp. I feel like an undeserving idiot in front of him. So there's a strange mix of, "This person is interesting and I'd like to get to know him--" and "Wow. This person is so much better than me. 1) I feel like an idiot and 2) I feel undeserving."
It's actually kind of hurtful. I like being this person's friend now. It's great. But the fact that we're similar yet he is this "what I want to be figure" is making me feel guilty. Does this sound odd or what? Sometimes I feel like that with my other friends as well. More so this time.
I had this dream (this relates, I promise! even though it's weird @[email protected]) that he appeared in front of me. He asked why I was acting a certain way, or something. And I, to answer him, said, "Say we hold hands and run together--" so we did (weird, I know). He ran faster than me and I ended up slowing him down because we were holding hands. "--You will run faster than me," I said. "And that makes me feel guilty."
Even in my dreams. x3 I honestly wonder what is going on... another self discovery for sure. And some teenage problems. And coming of age. And I don't know. -headdesk- But... can anyone relate? At all?