Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So my ENFJ girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago. It was due to my not showing enough affection..to the point where she asked if I was even attracted to her. Which left me speechless considering how much time I spent with her. She didn't buy the whole "feeling on the inside" thing...But oh well.

What I was wondering is, how much of a difference is there between ENFJs and ENFPs? (since ENFPs are supposed to be ideal for us) How does the P vs J change how well INTJs click with these types?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,800 Posts
Fi is the answer. ENFP share Fi with INTJ, so they can understand ,and relate with the whole " feeling on the inside thing " since we do that too. Fe is not likely able to relate/or be comfortable with that. ENFP don't need the INTJ to explain his feelings, they usually know, or at the least relate. We can pick up on all the subtle things, mostly because we also use those subtle gestures to show / actions, rather than verbal expressing. ENFJ lead with Fe, so...fireworks, just not always in a pleasant kind of way.

P/J....let me entertain you while you keep me grounded, it works.

Ni/Ne...Same goal, different way of getting there

Te...click
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,001 Posts
Here is the diagram of your personality type, INTJ...


ENFJ (below)


ENFP (below)


You have your largest function in common with ENFPs, whereas ENFJs have feeling as their main function and nevermind it's extroverted feeling. INTJs are rather strong thinkers and their feeling is introverted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the responses! I am familiar with the concepts, but I am certainly no expert. Seeing it written out makes it much more clear. I tried to explain the MBTI to her, but she thought it was some kind of gimmick.

As for ENTJ's, they are also Fi (I think)...or as my ex described me: "dead inside"...which is quite ironic I think due to the whole Feeling Introverted concept.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,800 Posts
Thanks for the responses! I am familiar with the concepts, but I am certainly no expert. Seeing it written out makes it much more clear. I tried to explain the MBTI to her, but she thought it was some kind of gimmick.

As for ENTJ's, they are also Fi (I think)...or as my ex described me: "dead inside"...which is quite ironic I think due to the whole Feeling Introverted concept.
If she saw you as dead inside, she wasn't picking up on the little things you were doing to show your affection. She likely needed verbal validation, and maybe more than you could give. INTJ are very capable of giving verbal validation with people they care for, although i think it takes a special person to patiently wait until they are ready. There is a place and time for everything, including emotions, if they are given out like candy, they become meaningless after awhile. If you love me today, there is a good chance you will still love me tomorrow, i don't need you to tell me that. Although if i'm having an insecure moment, i know i can count on my INTJ husband to comfort me and show his affection verbally.
 

·
Administrator
INTJ - ILI - 8w9 - Libtard
Joined
·
22,602 Posts
I really don't think ENFPs are a better match. If I were to judge from the shenanigans here on the forum I'd give 6 months to the relationships formed.

Try looking in terms of now I have my partner (of whatever type) and figuring how to communicate with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
714 Posts
Why do people always look at the personality types to explain a relationship? It doesn't matter what type you are with if you don't love them enough there will always be an excuse and you'll end up being apart. An INTJ can be in love and live happily with an ISTJ or ENFJ, etc. If you two love each other and change slightly for the better, then it'll work out.

To answer your question, I don't think ENFPs are better than ENFJs for INTJs. No type is good enough or not good enough for INTJs. I do think it's nice you are trying to understand your past relationship and generating new theories for the future. It's always good to introspect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
If she saw you as dead inside, she wasn't picking up on the little things you were doing to show your affection. She likely needed verbal validation, and maybe more than you could give. INTJ are very capable of giving verbal validation with people they care for, although i think it takes a special person to patiently wait until they are ready. There is a place and time for everything, including emotions, if they are given out like candy, they become meaningless after awhile. If you love me today, there is a good chance you will still love me tomorrow, i don't need you to tell me that. Although if i'm having an insecure moment, i know i can count on my INTJ husband to comfort me and show his affection verbally.
The thing is, is that I did tell her she was beautiful, gorgeous, cute, etc. It was just..infrequent I guess and felt rather awkward saying it. Part of me just wanted to yell.."why would I spend so much time, money, and effort into a girl I'm not attracted to??" It just baffled me. I have a hard time complimenting people because I dislike compliments myself as I have no use for them. I much prefer being criticized. I spent so much time helping her with her career, fixing things for her, and just always being there to talk to. I was rather offended in the end that she didn't feel that I adequately appreciated her.

Apparently she did vent about me to one of my close female friends, and my female friend (also an ENFJ) told me to (verbatim) "get out, and get out NOW" and that she was really insecure and didn't know what she wanted. I should have taken her word seeing as she is in a solid relationship with an INTJ. Of course, I don't listen or pay attention and, as I always do, I tell myself "Challenge accepted!" (immature I know).

Still, it ended on decent terms. She wasn't particularly mad at me. I still see us as maybe being friends later...It was way better than my last relationship with an ESFJ where I was completely manipulated to the point that I blacked out in anger...not pretty...So I suppose I'm making some progress lol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
So my ENFJ girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago. It was due to my not showing enough affection..to the point where she asked if I was even attracted to her. Which left me speechless considering how much time I spent with her. She didn't buy the whole "feeling on the inside" thing...But oh well.

What I was wondering is, how much of a difference is there between ENFJs and ENFPs? (since ENFPs are supposed to be ideal for us) How does the P vs J change how well INTJs click with these types?
I recommend doing more writing to each other for INTJ with any type with Fe. It's usually easier to convey affection in writing than it is in words, because writing requires more internal cognition to execute (it's more natural). My gf is INTJ and I notice she is far more affectionate when we text or email than she is in person, but I also understand it.

Getting back to the point, I don't think ENFJ is a bad match at all, but just remember that outward displays of affection are definitely the ENFJ love style. It's on her shoulders to learn about yours too, though, not to blame you for being something you aren't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,395 Posts
I'm going to go out on a limb and say there was a "love language" difference. Two types can be as compatible as the majority regards them to be, but if you don't know how to express affection in a way that your partner understands ( and vice versa), the relationship ultimately won't work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
I didn't read this as the OP only wants an ENFP; I took it as he was asking why ENFP/INTJ are supposed to be such an ideal match in terms of functions over ENFJ or INTJ.

Anyway, @Einstein ENTJ's share the same functions as INTJ, but in different order. To me, ENTJ works because we are mostly on the same page; however, it is about the individual person because there are always unhealthy versions of every type.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,500 Posts
Dominant Fe can be a bit too much and seem inauthentic to a Tertiary Fi user. There is a reason why they call it dominant b/c it is used almost 100% of the time. Fe in the dominant position is quite a bit different personality wise than somebody who uses Fe in another position.

I also broke up with a self identified ENFJ for similar reasons and conflicts. She was far too needy of an arbitrary "stability" and "structure" and far too concerned with being "positive" all the time.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just a personality clash esp if you are around each other all the time in a relationship... Relationships are one thing, friends are another. I can handle almost anybody as a friend, but relationships and being around each other 24/7, I'm going to be much more picky.

Anyway, MBTI is a pretty loose theory itself... MBTI relationship matching? I view it as no better than horoscope matching. I chuckle with a bit of disdain every time I see some type come in a forum looking for a certain type. Why don't you look for character qualities instead, such as friendly, witty, laughs, trustworthy...none of that is type related.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Dominant Fe can be a bit too much and seem inauthentic to a Tertiary Fi user. There is a reason why they call it dominant b/c it is used almost 100% of the time. Fe in the dominant position is quite a bit different personality wise than somebody who uses Fe in another position.

I also broke up with a self identified ENFJ for similar reasons and conflicts. She was far too needy of an arbitrary "stability" and "structure" and far too concerned with being "positive" all the time.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just a personality clash esp if you are around each other all the time in a relationship... Relationships are one thing, friends are another. I can handle almost anybody as a friend, but relationships and being around each other 24/7, I'm going to be much more picky.

Anyway, MBTI is a pretty loose theory itself... MBTI relationship matching? I view it as no better than horoscope matching. I chuckle with a bit of disdain every time I see some type come in a forum looking for a certain type. Why don't you look for character qualities instead, such as friendly, witty, laughs, trustworthy...none of that is type related.
I see what you're saying, but what if a person knows they are a certain type and so does another, and they happen to have functions that are more likely to flow together? Wouldn't it just be logical to look into that further? I can see if someone only went by an online test and let it decide who they are rather than really look into it; however, when they know their type for sure, I think it could be a useful tool (not rule).

At the same time, I don't think people should only go by type alone. Turning someone away because of their type before getting to know him/her is probably not the best technique either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,500 Posts
I see what you're saying, but what if a person knows they are a certain type and so does another, and they happen to have functions that are more likely to flow together? Wouldn't it just be logical to look into that further? I can see if someone only went by an online test and let it decide who they are rather than really look into it; however, when they know their type for sure, I think it could be a useful tool (not rule).

At the same time, I don't think people should only go by type alone. Turning someone away because of their type before getting to know him/her is probably not the best technique either.
Using it during a relationship would be fine of course, I was referring to using it as a prescreening tool for a possible mate. The concept of love doesn't work like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Using it during a relationship would be fine of course, I was referring to using it as a prescreening tool for a possible mate. The concept of love doesn't work like that.
I agree completely. I would never reject someone because of their type. I have found it is helpful within relationships and friendships, to understand why and how people are going act and respond as they do. It works best if both parties have a good understanding of it though.

I'm not planning to go on an ENFP "hunt"...That would be rather stupid. My best friends are ESFP, ISTP, ESTJ, and INFJ...So I know I can get along with a variety of people. I was just curious as to why the P vs J in ENFP/ENFJs made such a difference. I got my answers and greatly appreciate it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
254 Posts
No INTJ here but from my experience with FE Dom it just doesn't work. Married to an ESFJ in the past and recently dated a ENFJ--probably they were just unhealthy but I could never give enough affirmations and my need for 'alone time' was taken as an insult and brought up all kinds of insecurities.
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Top