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Discussion Starter #1
So it has come to my attention that a LOT of people base relationships on looks. And that kinda makes me a little sad.
I mean I love taking in the beauty of a good-looking person just as much as anyone else! But why does it seem like everyone only cares about how good-looking you are?
People scour the internet looking for these people, just to shoot their shot. I don't understand why everything is about what people look like, and hooking up.
And while I agree that attraction is an important part of a relationship, it's a stepping stone. I don't think it's the main point of a relationship.
I kinda just wanna know why everything is based around this.
One of my guy friends said he didn't really care what his future girlfriend looked like. And it was soo refreshing to see he didn't care he just wanted someone to have a good time with and enjoy spending time with. So brings me to the question (which I believe I saw another discussion like this but for women) would you date a girl if she was ugly? What would it take for you to consider her? What do you look for in a girl? Looks or otherwise?

Also, I just wanted to say that this is not to say that every person in the world is superficial in this way and only cares about looks. It can just feel like that sometimes
 

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Well, as someone who is somewhere in the middle of the looks department, I've never relied on looks. I identify as sapiosexual. I need to establish a mental connection to really relate with someone. Everything else is negotiable, IMHO.
 

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Well, as someone who is somewhere in the middle of the looks department, I've never relied on looks. I identify as sapiosexual. I need to establish a mental connection to really relate with someone. Everything else is negotiable, IMHO.
I'm also pretty much sapiosexual, but for me, looks just don't matter in a sexual way. I get sexually attracted only by intelligence and interesting conversations, (When I was single, Mensa was like tinder for me) but for a long-term relationship, looks were at least a small factor. It's shallow, but I like looking at things that are visually pleasing. I wouldn't decorate my home with things that I find ugly and while you get used to your partner's looks whether you like them or not, it makes me happy to have someone around that I find pretty. Of course, we will grow old and wrinkly together, but like any nice piece of furniture, it still has its charm when it's old and not as pretty anymore, as opposed to a tacky sofa that I didn't even like when it was new.

However, I believe that most people who are mainly screening for looks are not looking for a relationship, but just a completely meaningless fling. I kind of get it, because I used to screen for guys based on the first conversations that we had and was just in for the "excitement of something new and interesting" and nothing serious. This sort of hookup culture is based on the brief excitement of meeting someone "attractive" or "intelligent" followed by instant gratification through sex, followed by the next brief excitement. People who are going through this cycle are only looking for the one trait that gets them excited in the first place, because they do not stay for anything beyond that.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I'm also pretty much sapiosexual, but for me, looks just don't matter in a sexual way. I get sexually attracted only by intelligence and interesting conversations, (When I was single, Mensa was like tinder for me) but for a long-term relationship, looks were at least a small factor. It's shallow, but I like looking at things that are visually pleasing. I wouldn't decorate my home with things that I find ugly and while you get used to your partner's looks whether you like them or not, it makes me happy to have someone around that I find pretty. Of course, we will grow old and wrinkly together, but like any nice piece of furniture, it still has its charm when it's old and not as pretty anymore, as opposed to a tacky sofa that I didn't even like when it was new.

However, I believe that most people who are mainly screening for looks are not looking for a relationship, but just a completely meaningless fling. I kind of get it, because I used to screen for guys based on the first conversations that we had and was just in for the "excitement of something new and interesting" and nothing serious. This sort of hookup culture is based on the brief excitement of meeting someone "attractive" or "intelligent" followed by instant gratification through sex, followed by the next brief excitement. People who are going through this cycle are only looking for the one trait that gets them excited in the first place, because they do not stay for anything beyond that.
I don't think I've ever met anyone identifying as sapiosexual, so this is really interesting! And I love this little metaphor for designing your home.
I do understand that people usually aren't looking for a relationship and that totally understandable. I guess when I was a teen I thought it would be easy to find someone that was interesting and fun to be around, someone to love and cherish in every way even the faults. But as an adult, I realize it's not so easy. Everyone has their own things going on and they might not want something serious or simply don't like you. But its whatever, I understand those feelings and circumstances don't last forever. But at the moment it seems to be the reality.
 

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External influence from the media. They’ve defined what’s attractive throughout the times. Skinny was in, now thicc is in. Blond blue eyed, now black hair pouty lips. It’s also different depending on the culture, which supports this idea even more (that it’s not innate, but that it’s fed to us). We get influenced by this criteria of what attractive is supposed to be like, and then go on to think that we’ve benefited if we’ve accomplished finding a partner fitting that criteria. It’s very much like how we think we’ve succeeded if we’ve made a ton of money, because that’s what society has fed to us as the definition of success as well. And why do we listen? Because herd mentality is supposed to help us survive better or something along those lines (if you want the root cause).
 

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Discussion Starter #7
External influence from the media. They’ve defined what’s attractive throughout the times. Skinny was in, now thicc is in. Blond blue eyed, now black hair pouty lips. It’s also different depending on the culture, which supports this idea even more (that it’s not innate, but that it’s fed to us). We get influenced by this criteria of what attractive is supposed to be like, and then go on to think that we’ve benefited if we’ve accomplished finding a partner fitting that criteria. It’s very much like how we think we’ve succeeded if we’ve made a ton of money, because that’s what society has fed to us as the definition of success as well. And why do we listen? Because herd mentality is supposed to help us survive better or something along those lines (if you want the root cause).
This is what I'm saying. I agree media changes everything. Not to say change is bad but sometimes it seems that people just follow the crowd and are afraid to deveate from it
 

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This is what I'm saying. I agree media changes everything. Not to say change is bad but sometimes it seems that people just follow the crowd and are afraid to deveate from it
Right. At the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants. I know a lot of people that are happily married to “unattractive” people though. And there are some “attractive” people that are alone...looks aren’t everything.
 

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People want different things, but at the core it's just biology at work. Bring some of that good stuff into the gene pool.

As for myself I think I'm above average in looks, and so I'm able to attract someone around my level. But there's beauty in alot of things to me, like I don't care what your hair color is, as long as there is attraction. I would not be with someone I considered ugly. To me that's selling myself short and not fulfilling my potential.

Something funny though is that people often find something ugly in themselves, but others love that thing. Her brains is the more important thing to me anyway, but it's a package deal. If I like the whole package, let's go, never mind some minor flaws - we all have them.
 

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When you're as empty and vapid as someone like myself, looks are one of the few things left able to be appreciated, without having to speak any words.
 
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So it has come to my attention that a LOT of people base relationships on looks. And that kinda makes me a little sad.
I mean I love taking in the beauty of a good-looking person just as much as anyone else! But why does it seem like everyone only cares about how good-looking you are?
People scour the internet looking for these people, just to shoot their shot. I don't understand why everything is about what people look like, and hooking up.
And while I agree that attraction is an important part of a relationship, it's a stepping stone. I don't think it's the main point of a relationship.
I kinda just wanna know why everything is based around this.
One of my guy friends said he didn't really care what his future girlfriend looked like. And it was soo refreshing to see he didn't care he just wanted someone to have a good time with and enjoy spending time with. So brings me to the question (which I believe I saw another discussion like this but for women) would you date a girl if she was ugly? What would it take for you to consider her? What do you look for in a girl? Looks or otherwise?

Also, I just wanted to say that this is not to say that every person in the world is superficial in this way and only cares about looks. It can just feel like that sometimes
We should aspire to be beautiful because beauty inspires and when it is coupled with an inner beauty it can be a force for good and we are obligated to be moral in life. The only other path is immoral and will result in suffering. You are right that looks are not everything but they are something important.

No healthy, good person is truly ugly.
 

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Thing is the real thrill of being with someone is not generated by their looks but other aspects. Voice, mannerism, hair, depth of mental perception, knowledge, calmness/patience or a know-how of the human body or of how to approach you are way more stimulating than just aesthetics alone.

Someone who has really experienced another person on a deeper, rewarding level, where they're not just "sex buddies" but partners, friends and each other's confessor, will probably not prefer spending their lives with someone who's pretty only. Those who haven't, you'll see them experimenting in super awkward or almost disgusting manners to you, but they themselves may not see it or never admit/recognize it until much later in life after they've suffered a bit.

However, appearing with someone in public and putting their face there on social media doesn't require checking erudition boxes, so if the partner is visually acceptable first, that's always a plus. Then again, pretty face and small dick or bad mannerism... doesn't cut it for me, sorry for putting it like that.

Looks are often attributed to health, and it is true, although many over-emphasize that, and forget that virtually all aspects of our lives are government by man-made systems to keep us alive (the opposite is true as well, where we're very much dependent on nature and our surroundings, as much as we have the capacity to modify them). Without these man-made systems, we'd die from flu and various diseases irrespective of how blue one's eyes are or how hot and skinny they look, and suddenly our perception of beauty may change. Our physical health and struggles can vastly change our lives and perception of our surroundings, of what we can do or not, and so them reflected onto looks is how it should be, imo. One's teeth, for instance, or inherited back issues.

I for example don't like recessive hairlines, though I know how much of a bitch it is for men and how it is unfair to many. It's one of those things that can't be fixed cheaply but you're stuck with due to weird genes. But I just visually don't like it in general if I associate them with myself or think about them as partners, and I can't change my opinion. There probably are theoretical exceptions that I may end up liking, but it hasn't happened yet. I feel like everybody has "pet peeves" when it comes to visual aesthetics, and that it's more about finding your match, and avoiding shaming others when you yourself are not perfect :)
 

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Not so much if we squeeze in Wingmams the first 4 elements a woman notices in a man during first encounter videoclip from youtube. And, I agree with her perspective.
 

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yeah vibe is huge. the thing is it's really annoying when they're trying really hard to flirt, but you're not in the mood; they're always like a mix of disappointed and angry after, as if feeling rejected or something, and it's like nah I just dont want to try
 

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yeah vibe is huge. the thing is it's really annoying when they're trying really hard to flirt, but you're not in the mood; they're always like a mix of disappointed and angry after, as if feeling rejected or something, and it's like nah I just dont want to try
Working up the courage to engage someone new can be scary, and if you don't get a positive response that's pretty disheartening. You should try it. The thing is that not reciprocating is the same as rejection, and it will lead to the guy trying to show face, putting up those defenses. So if you get these kind of crappy reactions in turn, maybe try understanding what they went through coming up to you and react appropriately instead of just ignoring someone's effort. I believe you can can turn someone down politely without much effort and minor hurt caused.

It can work the other way around too; make friendly conversation with a girl (no intentions whatsoever), she assumes you're flirting and shoots you down. That's pretty confusing, like don't flatter yourself every time a guy comes up to you. But it's usually girls who are already in relationships who do that as to not get involved anyway, so no loss, just leave them be and move on.
 

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Working up the courage to engage someone new can be scary, and if you don't get a positive response that's pretty disheartening. You should try it. The thing is that not reciprocating is the same as rejection, and it will lead to the guy trying to show face, putting up those defenses. So if you get these kind of crappy reactions in turn, maybe try understanding what they went through coming up to you and react appropriately instead of just ignoring someone's effort. I believe you can can turn someone down politely without much effort and minor hurt caused.

It can work the other way around too; make friendly conversation with a girl (no intentions whatsoever), she assumes you're flirting and shoots you down. That's pretty confusing, like don't flatter yourself every time a guy comes up to you. But it's usually girls who are already in relationships who do that as to not get involved anyway, so no loss, just leave them be and move on.
I'm a dude 0o
 

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I think this is more of a problem for younger people--young people are just learning what kind of person they'd be interested in--the easiest first thing to notice about someone is their looks. After time and some experience people start to identify other more important things relating to their values (like whether the person wants kids or not etc.) the personality and lifestyle, and other less superficial stuff.

It just takes trial and error though for a lot of people, and when people are very young (high school/early adulthood) they don't necessarily know what they want.

Then there are people who realize that looks are important to them and that's fine--usually the women I meet who are super into looks seem to have trouble settling for any relationship anyway and the older men who are super into looks are usually seen as immature by their peers. Most people are not obsessed with looks by adulthood and many people who don't look like supermodels or body builders end up in happy relationships, while sometimes people who are very conventionally attractive end up in shitty relationships. Or vice versa--it's just really looks aren't that important.

Though I think you should be happy with the way you look and taking care of your appearance and your body are important life skills and most people do want their partner to be able to take care of themselves (so I'm talking about like washing your face and using acne treatments if you have acne, exercising, etc. that affects your looks). There's also something great about a partner respecting and appreciating your aesthetic sense (or lack of).

But basically--looks aren't that important. Cosmetic companies want you to think they are so you'll buy their products, but in my personal experience looks have very little to do with happiness, unless the looks are just bringing you happiness because you like the way you look and maintaining it fits with your lifestyle and life goals.
 

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--it's just really looks aren't that important.
Unless you're heading into an arranged marriage where you don't really have a choice as to who you're going to end up with, they are to some degree. It just isn't something to be too enamored by if you ever plan on getting into a stable and lasting relationship and start looking for deeper qualities in addition to physical attraction.

I think if a person is already considered to be conventionally attractive, they don't put as high a priority on their SO also being considered beautiful or whatever. That's just a personal observation I've noticed. Although I've never been with a woman I didn't consider to be attractive in some way. With one gal, I remember it was her attractively intense stare. :LOL:
 

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Unless you're heading into an arranged marriage where you don't really have a choice as to who you're going to end up with, they are to some degree. It just isn't something to be too enamored by if you ever plan on getting into a stable and lasting relationship and start looking for deeper qualities in addition to physical attraction.

I think if a person is already considered to be conventionally attractive, they don't put as high a priority on their SO also being considered beautiful or whatever. That's just a personal observation I've noticed. Although I've never been with a woman I didn't consider to be attractive in some way. With one gal, I remember it was her attractively intense stare. :LOL:
Attraction is different and yeah--I do think it's important for a relationship.

But some of the happiest couples I can think of aren't necessarily going to win any beauty pageants, and besides--looks fade. I guess I'm thinking about long-term relationships like marriage. And while looks aren't harmful, perhaps those couples had more in common than looks which is why they seem to have had a stronger foundation that is more lasting. Beauty is subjective though and attraction is also very individual, but I am referring to what is considered conventionally beautiful/handsome.

I just don't think it helps much to worry about how you look for others, as beauty is subjective--but how happy you are with your own appearance since that will affect your confidence and your overall happiness. Looks can be important, but for most people they are not as important as young people sometimes are made to feel--either from the cosmetic companies or just watching fellow young people mess around. And even if you manage to impress someone with your looks, it's no guarantee that they are the right person for you (probably very little likelihood since looks are so superficial).

I don't think people should seek to be in relationships with people who they aren't attracted to though. That is not what I'm saying. I've also had a hard time arguing with my teenager about using acne soap because they assert "looks shouldn't matter!" So it's not really simple, I don't think.
 
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